


Within the Wake

by SKid99



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Cussing, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gen, References to Depression, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-02-16 14:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 107,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13055562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SKid99/pseuds/SKid99
Summary: Focuses on how Leonardo and Donatello pick up when Leo finally wakes up from three months of unconsciousness. Both are writhed with guilt, in many more ways than one, about what transpired because of their choices after their argument back in New York about how to defeat the Kraang. May not exactly follow timeline of the show. [If you have dealt with/deal with depression or anxiety, I do warn you that there references to it, and some chapters are solely about the kinds of thoughts one has dealing with either or. Read at your own expense, please be safe.]





	1. Wakey, Wakey, Eggs and Achey

**Author's Note:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

It was a big shock to them all. After 3 long months of not knowing how things would turn out, Leonardo woke up.

* * *

_"Guys! Guys! Get up here!" they heard Raph yell from upstairs. Donnie and Mikey immediately rushed upstairs, wondering what in the shell could make Raph yell all of a sudden. They saw Leo's eyes opened, Leo sitting up, Leo smiling!_

_"Leo?" Donnie said, like he couldn't believe it. His heart was practically trying to eject out of his chest._

_Leo, smiling wide, said in a raspy but happy voice, "Mm, hey, guys."_

_"Leo!" Mikey chirped, immediately engulfing Leo in his tight embrace._

_"Ow, it's okay, Mikey! Ow, that's hurts," Leo replied hastily, trying to reassure his little brother. Leo saw Raph's hand enclose around Mikey's shoulder, getting their little brother's attention._

_"Take it easy," Raph replied in a happy, relieved tone. Raph was the first to reach down and help Leo out of the tub. "Let's get you out of here."_

* * *

 Donnie couldn't believe it still. He couldn't believe after such a miracle happening earlier in the day, a mutant had already appeared the same night. He couldn't believe Leo had to get right back into battle when he was just starting recovery. He couldn't believe that after waking from serious injuries, he immediately endured more. Everyone had to be treated that night, as everyone was hurt, but Donnie was especially worried about Leo. He didn't even get to start proper recovery yet, and here he was, more battered and bruised than before. After he had treated to everyone else, Donnie attended to Leo, looking him over.

"Where does it hurt?" Leo let a pained grin slip out, as if the answer was a bit obvious. Leo immediately bit down on his lip as Donnie pressed the homemade stethoscope against Leo's side. Leo was holding back any noises of pain, as he just wanted to be treated as quickly as possible. "Leo, I know it hurts all over, but you're going to have to tell me where it's most bothersome first."

"I'll be fine," Leo breathed out, his voice more raspy than before. Donnie immediately became concerned. Seeing this, Leo trying to give Donnie a reassuring look. "I'll be okay, Donnie. I'm in a recovery period; it's not going to be easy."

"Don't talk," Donnie replied, tilting Leo's face up by pressing his finger to Leo's chin and lifting it. He looked for any bruising or marks. Sure enough, there were some bruises of different shades and sizes around his neck that went down to his shoulders and up the sides of his face. "Try to limit your speech for now, okay?" Leo's eyes fluttered shut out of frustration, but Leo nodded. He immediately winced, stiffening his neck. "You're going to want to limit your head movement, too." Leo lamely lifted his arm up, giving the 'OK' sign before letting his hand drop back down.

"Here's some water," Raph said, suddenly appearing behind them. Raph stepped around to get in front of them, holding the glass out. "He needs to stay hydrated still, right?"

Leo opened his eyes and reached for the glass, but Donnie grabbed it before he could. Donnie lifted himself a bit off the ground, feeding the water to Leo manually. Leo looked away as this was happening, and didn't return eye contact when he finished the water.

"Technically, we all do, but yes, Leo does need more water intake than the rest of us." Donnie handed the glass back to Raph. "Would you mind getting more?"

"Sure," Raph replied. "I'll get some for you, too."

Donnie waved him off. "I'm fine." Raph halted, throwing Donnie a look. Donnie looked at Raph, sighing and nodding. "Okay, fine, thank you." Raph rolled his eyes before heading back to get some more water. Donnie examined Leo's arms, looking for any injuries. Raph returned with two glasses of water, making sure they both drank their glasses. "How are the others doing?" Donnie asked Raph.

"I had Mikey go to sleep after he had some water. I think April and Casey are heading to bed, too. They're pretty beat."

"Good, good. They need their rest."

"So do you, Donnie."

"I'll sleep after I'm done examining Leo."

"Fine, fine, but you better be telling the truth. Don't stay up later than you need to." With that said, Raph left the room. Donnie took his sweet time examining Leo. Leo wasn't enjoying any of it. He felt like a child being helicopter parented. He felt a bit pathetic. No, not a bit. Utterly. He was hurting all over. He knew Donnie was just trying to make his pain lessen, but he really wanted to be alone. He didn't resist to anything that Donnie applied or stuck on him, 'cause if he did, it would just take longer. He kept his winces to a minimum. When Donnie finally finished, Leo let himself fall back into the couch cushions and sink into them.

"There. Sorry if that took really long. I just have to make sure." Leo nodded, his eyes closed. "I'll have to check up on your injuries tomorrow, okay?" Leo nodded slowly, exhaling a long breath. "I know you hate it, but I just want to help you recover more quickly."

"Have you treated yourself?" Leo asked in a low voice, trying not to strain his voice.

"I'll do that later," Donnie replied. Leo's eyes snapped open, and he did not look happy at all. He stared down Donnie, not backing down until Donnie sighed and submitted. "Fine, fine, I'll do it now."

Leo watched as Donnie attended to his own wounds, pointing out any if Donnie had missed them or just simply ignored them. After Donnie was finished, Leo's stare was less intense. He looked exhausted now. Even though he was the one being watched by everyone, he wasn't going to let them neglect their own health for his sake. Donnie grabbed a pillow and a blanket from the sofa chair and stood in front of Leo. He propped the pillow behind Leo's head and neck and draped the blanket over him, making sure it was as tucked in as possible.

"Get some rest, okay, Leo?" Leo nodded, waving as Donnie left the room. Leo, although extremely worn out, wasn't tired just yet. He really wanted to have some- -

"Tea?" Leo turned his head, his eyes falling on Raph, then to the steaming cup of tea on a plate in Raph's hands. Leo couldn't help the smile that spread across his face. Raph laughed, seeing the relief and happiness in Leo's eyes over just some tea. Raph carefully sat down next to Leo, handing Leo the tea.

"Thanks."

"I knew you were gonna want some sooner or later. After tonight, I bet you really wanted it." Leo nodded, smiling as he took a sip of the tea. "Sorry if it's not great- - we need to get some more groceries soon." Leo waved him off, happily drinking more of the tea. "Why aren't you talking much? Are you upset?"

Leo set down the cup, shaking his head in response. He froze for a moment, then shrugged.

"Donnie say to limit your talking?" Leo nodded, his eyes shutting in frustration again. "Look, I know Donnie's looking out for you- - we all are- - but I'm tired of being with you and getting silence. I dealt with that for 3 months. You're awake now, so start yapping."

Leo smiled a bit sadly, but he nodded. "I just know my recovery is going to take longer. And I just can't believe I was out for 3 months... it must have been hell waiting for something to happen."

"What matters is that you're awake now, okay?" Raph gave Leo an assuring smile. "Just drink your tea and be happy while you can. We're gonna help you out, Leo, okay? You're not in this alone." Leo nodded, going back to sipping his tea. "Do you want me to sleep down here with you?"

"You don't have to," Leo replied. "You can if you want to."

"Yeah, I will. I'm not sure if I'm chill with you being alone after what happened tonight. Besides, there's probably no more room upstairs."

"Are you sure? I'll be fine on my own, if that's what you're worried about."

Raph sat on the most cushioned chair, grabbing the blanket that was on the seat and throwing it over himself. "It's more for myself, to be honest. I keep thinking this is all some dream and that I'm gonna wake up and see you still in the tub."

Leo didn't know what to say, so he bit his tongue and nodded a bit. Leo reached for his tea and started drinking it again, looking into the cup. He heard Raph shuffling, probably trying to get comfortable enough to sleep in the chair, then a sudden lack of shuffling.

"Leo," Raph said. Something about the way said his name made Leo hesitant to look up, so he kept staring into the cup. "Yo, Leo." Leo didn't budge. Raph sighed. "Fine, don't look at me, just hear me out. I don't mean to make you feel bad whenever I bring up these past 3 months or whatever. It's just surreal to me- - I'm not tryna make you feel bad. If I have, I'm sorry."

Leo had finished his tea, so he had no excuse to keep looking into his cup. He set it down, then glanced at Raph, who had a soft yet defeated look on his face. "No, I'm sorry- - I'm just having a hard time processing it." Leo looked down to the ground. "Whenever you or the others say something about it, I just don't know what to say. You guys look so hurt whenever you talk about it, and it's because of me that you all are feeling that way- -"

"Whoa, no, that's not true," Raph interrupted. "Shredder's the one who did this to you. This isn't your fault at all, Leo. Don't blame yourself for something you didn't even do." Raph's voice sounded edged, yet it wavered. Leo looked at Raph again, seeing his brother's eyes swelling up a bit. Raph shut his eyes tightly, waiting for those swelling tears to go away before he opened his eyes. "We just really missed you, bro. We're real glad to have you back again."

Leo smiled a bit at his brother. "I missed you guys, too."

Raph yawned a bit, turning on his side before shutting his eyes to get ready to sleep. "Get as much sleep as you can, bro. Tomorrow, I'ma help ya train."

"Okay, Master Raph," Leo teased, yawning loudly. "G'night."

Raph mumbled "night" in response, and minutes later, Leo could hear Raph breathing heavily but evenly. Raph was sound asleep. Leo shut his eyes, waiting for sleep to take him under. It took a while, but it eventually came.

* * *

  _Leo opened his eyes, seeing nothing but pitch blackness surrounding him. He blinked rapidly to make sure he had actually opened his eyes. He held his hand in front of his face, seeing it after his eyes adjusted after a couple of seconds. He carefully took some steps forwards, looking around for any sight of light. There was a sudden shimmer of light, then it disappeared. It appeared again, but this time, a sound accompanied it. Again it came, and he heard the familiar sound of blades being unsheathed._

_"Who's there?" Leo called out. Leo reached behind him, gripping the air until he grabbed the handles of his katanas, sliding them out. He heard some faint whispering. "Raph? Donnie? Mikey?" He heard distant laughs. "April? Casey? Is that you?" Suddenly, he heard the familiar voices of his brothers and friends yell out cries of pain as the sound of blades gliding through the air boomed around him._

_"Guys! I'm coming, hold on!" Leo started running seemingly forwards. It felt like he was going nowhere, and suddenly, a distant light faced him. He ran for it, feeling relief when it came closer. He finally stepped through it, looking around and seeing none of his brothers or friends. "Hello?" The light around him faded until grayness surrounded him. He heard someone laughing at him. Fed up, Leo held up his katanas, ready to defend himself. "Come out, coward!"_

_"As you wish, Leonardo."_

_Leo immediately tensed up as he heard the familiar, dark voice speak from behind him. He sharply turned around, his eyes falling on the figure's eyes. He saw the shimmer glide across its head, and he recognized the head wear._

_"The kabuto," Leo breathed out. Leo stepped back immediately, but it was too late. Shredder raised his fist, the blades emerging from his gauntlet. Wicked laughter surrounded him, and the faces of Tiger Claw, Fishface, Rahzar, Bebop and Rocksteady appeared as Shredder struck down towards the terrapin._

_"No, not again, no, n- -"_

* * *

 Donnie yawned, rubbing his eyes as he stumbled down the stairs. He went to the kitchen, pouring himself some water and drinking it in hopes of making the dryness in his throat go away. He pulled out his T-Phone, squinting as the brightness from his screen irritated his eyes. He was not awake enough for this, especially not at 3:24 in the morning. He turned off the screen and slid the T-Phone back in his belt. Donnie poured and drank some more water, set the glass aside, and headed back for the stairs, hoping to easily go back to sleep. Halfway up the stairs, he heard one of his brothers mumbling downstairs. His brothers sometimes mumbled in their sleep, so he thought nothing of it and continued up the stairs. The mumbles started becoming coherent, repeating the word 'no.' Donnie stopped walking, waiting to see if the mumbling would continue. After a couple of seconds, it stopped. Donnie shrugged it off, about to start back up again when- -

"NO!"

Donnie and Raph both shot up, alarmed at the sudden yell. Donnie rushed down the steps, and Raph shot out of his chair. They searched wildly around the house, trying to figure out what was going on. They both jumped as the yelling continued. They both immediately rushed to the source as it continued yelling.

"No, stop, no no no!"

"Leo!" Donnie and Raph yelled, trying to wake their brother up.

"No, get off of me, stop!" Leo yelled, thrashing his arms around as he tried to defend himself.

"Leo, wake up, it's just a bad dream!" Raph yelled, shaking Leo's shoulders roughly.

"Leo, it's us! Wake up!" Donnie loudly whispered. He wasn't sure why he was whispering. "It's us, your brothers!"

"Get away from me!" Leo cried, his voice strained. Donnie and Raph tried holding Leo down as he thrashed around.

Raph sighed, raising an arm up. "I'm sorry, bro." Raph smacked Leo across the face, already writhed with guilt for hitting his brother.

Donnie shot daggers at Raph. "What the shell, Raph?!"

"I thought it would wo- -"

"Raph? Donnie?" The two brothers stopped bickering and looked down at Leo, who looked both lost and scared. "Is that really you guys?"

"What are you talking about, Leo?" Raph asked, immediately concerned.

"Shredder and the Foot- - they captured you guys, I didn't know where you were- - are you two okay? Did they hurt you?" Leo immediately felt guilty, a pained expression on his face. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't fast enough, I could have d- -"

"Leo," Donnie said calmly, getting Leo's attention. "none of that happened, none of it's real. It was a dream."

Leo was at a loss for words. "A- a dream?" Leo looked between them. "It wasn't real?"

"Everything's okay, bro," Raph replied. "Nothing happened." Leo took a moment to catch his breath and somewhat collect himself.

"It was... just a dream?" Donnie nodded. "It was just a dream. We're all safe. We're at the farm house. Casey, April and Mikey are upstairs, sound asleep."

"Shredder is nowhere around here, neither are the Foot. Leo," Raph whispered, looking worriedly at his brother. "they're far away, don't worry."

Leo nodded absentmindedly, looking around to confirm it for himself. Once he calmed down, he felt embarrassed. He had a nightmare, and it took him what felt like forever just to believe none of it was real. Why did he have a nightmare? Why was he acting like such a child? He needed to pull it together for his family, and here he was, crying about a bad dream.

"Leo, you okay?" Donnie asked.

Leo nodded, looking away from his brothers. He felt so pathetic. To add onto his negative feelings, he didn't want to be left alone now. At the same time, though, he wanted to feel confident enough to sleep by himself. But he was still reeling from the nightmare.

"D, can you fix him up some tea?" Raph asked.

"Yeah, yeah, be right back," Donnie replied, speed walking to the kitchen.

"Thanks," Raph replied, watching Donnie leave.

Leo shuffled himself around, trying to get Raph's hands off his shoulders. Raph lifted his hands up quickly, realizing why Leo was moving around so much.

"Sorry about that, and uh, sorry about your face."

"What?" Leo croaked, confused. In an instant, he felt one of his cheeks start to sting, like he had been slapped. Leo immediately raised one of his hands to his cheek, covering it. "Ow, what the shell..." Leo mumbled, confused.

"Sorry, I didn't know how else to wake you up- - we tried shaking you, yelling at you..."

Leo groaned, waving off Raph's apology. "No, it's fine," Leo replied in a hushed tone, looking up at his brother. Leo rubbed his cheek, letting out a little chuckle. "At least it worked." Raph laughed a bit, just as Leo was hoping for him to do. The forced chuckle was meant to ease Raph's nerves, so Leo was glad it worked. Leo held a small smile for a moment, but it faded as Leo looked away from Raph. "I- I'm sorry for waking you up just because of my stupid dream..."

"Don't be sorry, man," Raph replied. "And it isn't stupid. Do you wa- -"

"Tea's ready," Donnie interrupted, coming in with a small cup. He knelt down a bit, carefully handing it to Leo.

"Thanks," Leo mumbled, quickly drinking the tea.

"Whoa, what's the rush?" Donnie asked.

"I just wanna go back to sleep," Leo mumbled, turning on his side, facing away from his brothers.

"Really?" Donnie stood up straight. "Are you sure?"

"Don't ya wanna talk about it?" Raph asked. "Maybe if ya talked about it, it'd make you feel a little better and make the nightmare go away."

"It's fine," Leo said. "I'm really tired."

"Leo- -"

"I'll talk about it later, okay?" Leo said, trying to get them to stop asking.

"But Leo- -"

Leo turned his head to look at his brothers. He forced himself to give them a soft, reassuring smile, hoping that they would at least back down for the night. "I'm okay, guys. Thanks for helping me. I just- -" he let out a fake but convincing yawn "- -wanna go back to sleep, and I'm sure you both want to, too."

Donnie and Raph were still worried, but they were really tired. They looked at each other, then back down at Leo. Donnie ran a hand down his face and Raph just sighed.

"Alright, Leo," Raph finally said. "You're sure?"

Leo nodded, smiling at them once again. "I'm sure. I just want some sleep."

"Okay, but when we wake up, we should talk about your dream," Donnie yawned.

Leo nodded again, turning to face away from his brothers as he pulled the blanket over himself. "Mhm," Leo hummed. "Night, guys."

Donnie and Raph glanced at each other once again, looking uneasy about not addressing the dream, but they knew better than to try to argue with a tired Leo. "Night, Leo," they replied in unison. Raph went to his chair as Donnie ascended up the stairs. Once Raph heard Donnie shut his door, he shifted around until he was comfortable and closed his eyes, ready to sleep. Before Raph let himself fall asleep, he whispered loudly at his brother. "Leo, you awake?" Leo didn't reply, so Raph listened intently at Leo's breathing. After some seconds, he heard the heavy, even breathing from Leo, meaning Leo was asleep. This eased Raph's nerves enough for him to go to sleep- - Raph was worried about Leo staying up and not getting sleep in fear of having the nightmare again, but hearing Leo sleeping made him feel at ease. In seconds, Raph fell asleep.

Leo waited to hear the heavy, even breathing from his brother before he loudly whispered "Raph, you awake?" After no replies after him asking many times, Leo let out a long sigh. He really was tired, that much was true, but he was too scared to go back to sleep. Raph's concern about Leo was happening. Every time Leo nodded off, he immediately panicked, his heart racing and his thoughts clouding his mind. Leo anxiously waited for it to be daytime. He knew the recovery process was going to be long, but he hadn't accounted for this, and he dreaded the now longer process of recovery. He wondered when- - if- - he was ever going to get past this.


	2. Cliche Bro Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Leo was thinking of ways to excuse how tired he looked when the time came to train. That was plenty of hours away- - after all, the sun wasn't even up yet. None of his brothers were going to wake up so early in the morning. Neither would he if he had actually slept, but that was besides his point. There was the obvious excuse that he had been asleep for 3 months, his recovery was rough, they were beat up by a plant monster the night before- - any of those could work in his favor. It'd work on all but Raph and Donnie, who would be constantly asking him about his nightmare. He kept scolding himself about how he acted towards them- - he knew they were just worried about him. They'd been without him for 3 months, which must have been excruciatingly painful for them. He wanted to make things easier for everyone, but he knew that their lives were never easy. One thing kept popping in his mind: none of it would have led up to this if Leo had just stuck with Donnie's plan back in New York. Who was he to doubt his brother's smarts? Why did he let his ego get to him? Who was he to doubt anything Donnie suggested? Donnie had done so much for the team and contributed so much to the missions- - perhaps he took it for granted... no, he had taken it for granted, and thanks to him, their city was probably gone by now, along with their father. It was all his fault. He should have just gone with Donnie's plan. He shouldn't have tried facing Shredder on his own. He- -

"Leo?" Leo tensed up a bit, glancing up from the couch cushions he was staring so intensely at. He saw Mikey looking down at him, a confused look on his face. "Whatcha doin', dude?"

Leo took a couple of seconds before he replied, "what do you mean?"

Mikey smiled and laughed a bit. "C'mon, dude, quit messin' around. You were looking at the couch and whispering stuff to yourself. What were you doing?"

Leo flushed, sitting up now. "I.. I was not doing that," Leo said a bit defensively. "...was I?"

Mikey nodded. "Yeah, man," Mikey's smile faded a bit. "Is something wrong?"

Leo shook his head, giving his brother an innocent smile. "Nah, nah. What time is it?"

"It's like 9 in the morning."

"What?" Leo asked, surprised. "Already?"

Mikey narrowed his eyes at Leo, leaning in close. "What do you mean 'already?'"

"I just meant that time flies by," Leo replied nervously. "I thought it was maybe 6 in the morning since it wasn't that bright out, but I guess I was wrong."

Mikey stayed leaning in for a moment, but accepted this and backed off. "Ah, well, it has been 3 months- - don't worry, bro, you'll get the hang of things soon. I know ya will."

Leo rubbed the back of his neck, humming a sort of 'yeah' response. He really didn't know how to respond to the 3-month situation. "Anyways, why are you up so early, Mikey? You don't usually wake up before 11am."

"Well, since it's 'quiet' around here, the light from the sun comin' up and the chickens doing their morning calls got me on some new waking system. Basically whenever the chickens are awake, I'm awake. Which reminds me- -" Mikey left the room for a moment, coming back out with a straw hat. "- - it's time to feed them."

Leo smiled a bit, nodding. "Have fun," Leo yawned, laying back down on the couch and throwing the blanket over himself.

"You're gonna try to go back to sleep?" Mikey asked. "You usually have a hard time going back to sleep when you've woken up, bro, so you usually just stay awake."

"It's just that my body still hurts," Leo replied. He wasn't lying- - he was still hurting, especially his bum leg. "Moving feels really weird, like doing basic movements makes my body feel heavy and I feel this weird rush throughout my body that I've never felt before. I don't know how to explain it."

"That's cause," Donnie yawned suddenly, trudging in the room and rubbing his eyes. "your body is most likely atrophic."

Mikey and Leo exchanged confused looks before they looked back at Donnie. "What's that mean?" they asked in unison.

"It means that your muscles are deteriorating- -"

Leo shot back up, which he immediately regretted. He hissed as his muscles seemed to tighten painfully all at once. "My muscles are dying?" Leo asked, worry spread across his face.

"No, no," Donnie quickly replied, trying to get Leo to settle down. "You've been asleep for 3 months. That long of a period of not moving is bound to make your muscles weaken since you've underused them for so long. You didn't move at all, you just laid still in a tub. It's going to take a while to regain the strength you had before. You have to be careful with your body, especially with the damage Shredder caused."

"Not to mention that plant monster last night," Mikey added, rubbing his shoulders and rolling them. "Thanks for fixing me up, by the way, Donnie."

"Don't mention it," Donnie replied, kneeling down in front of Leo. "You should feed the chickens before they get feisty again."

"Sure thing," Mikey chirped, about to head out. "Leo, are you gonna start to train today?"

Leo was about to reply, but Donnie cut him off. "The most he should do is walk around. Stretching is something he'll have to try, just to see if he can do any basic techniques."

"Mm, give the guy a lil breathing room, Don," Raph grumbled, starting to wake up. "It's not the best idea to restrict Leo, he's stubborn as shell."

"If he wants to get better, I think he'll set aside his stubbornness and heave my advice."

"He's gotta take risks, though. Nothing is ever done without some risks, you can't deny that."

"I'm not denying it, I'm just saying he should take it easy for now- - we don't want him stretching himself out too thin so soon."

"He wants to get better as soon as possible," Raph groaned as he sat up, looking at Donnie. "so I don't think he'd risk that."

While they were bickering about his well-being, Leo started spacing out- - all this talk about what's best for him was starting to stress him out. Raph and Donnie's voices were fading out. Leo stared at his bum leg and everything else just disappeared. How long was his recovery going to take? When would he be ready to protect his home? When would he be able to at least defend himself in a fight? He was just weighing everyone down at this point. Nothing was going to progress because of his decision 3 months ago. It was probably going to be too late whenever- - if ever- - they go back to save New York and search for Master Splinter. His body felt hollow yet everything felt like it was tingling. He felt heavy yet light. He felt really, really tired. Everything felt really slow...

"...ing him out!"

That sounded really far...

"...wo just drop it already?"

The voice echoed around him. He felt something clutch his hand, and he immediately snapped back to reality- - somewhat.

"...ou okay?"

Leo blinked a couple of times, waiting for that slow feeling to go away before he looked up to see who was talking to him.

"Leo, are you okay?" Mikey was looking at him really worriedly. Leo looked at Mikey, but he wasn't _really_ looking at him. It was like Leo was looking past him. Leo had a lost but blank look in his eyes. Mikey's worried expression soon turned cold, and Mikey sharply turned his head to glare at his other two brothers. "You guys freaked him out! When will you two learn when to drop something?!"

Donnie and Raph looked defeated. They didn't know what else to say except "we're sorry."

Mikey turned his head to face Leo again, and his face looked soft again. "Bro, snap out of it." Mikey waved his hand in front of Leo rapidly until he saw that Leo had fully snapped out of his trance. Mikey dropped his hand.

"Sorry," Leo breathed out. "Did I miss something?"

Mikey gave Leo an innocent, soft smile. "Nah, dude. You wanna go outside, watch me work my magic with the chickens?"

"I thought I had to- -"

"Nope, you're comin' with me," Mikey cut him off, grabbing Leo's crutches. Mikey held out a hand to Leo. "Let's go get some fresh air, yeah?"

Leo was confused, but he grabbed Mikey's hand anyways. His little brother was a walking safety blanket, and he'd go anywhere with him. Mikey had Leo sling an arm around his shoulders as they got Leo off the couch. Mikey handed Leo the crutches, and they both walked out of the farm house.

"Are Donnie and Raph co- -"

"Just you, me, the chickens and the outside, bro," Mikey replied. "I know ya feel like you've been cooped up in there for too long, even if you did just wake up. I know ya don't like all this attention, either."

"I just didn't wanna hurt anyone's feelings if I said anything, so I didn't. I don't really know how to process all this, Mikey."

"I know, dude, but like always, we'll get through it together. Ya wanna meditate?"

Meditating sounded really nice to Leo, but the thought of the nightmare potentially sneaking its way into his meditation scared him. Leo knew if he said no, it'd raise suspicion out of Mikey, so he instead replied "I thought you wanted to show me your chicken magic?"

Mikey perked up. "I was just using that as an excuse to get ya outta there, but if you really wanna watch me, I'll be happy to show ya!" Mikey carefully let go of Leo, running to the barn and coming back out with a bag full of chicken feed. The chickens had learned by now that the big brown sack meant food, and they immediately huddled around Mikey. Some of them started pecking at each other to get closer to Mikey. Mikey bent down and waggled his finger at them, and they eventually stopped pecking. Mikey tore open the bag and drew out lines of feed in different areas, corralling groups of chickens to one line at a time. The chickens ate in peace, and they all ate their own shares, not trying to peck at another's feed. Leo was surprised none of the chickens tried to eat each other's feed, impressed that Mikey had created a peace among them.

"That's really cool," Leo said softly, watching them eat.

"Eh, it's just chickens eating food," Mikey replied. "The first couple of times I did this, they all flew around and pecked at each other and stuff because they wanted more food. It took sooooo long to get them to be this calm."

"It's calming to watch," Leo said, glancing up at Mikey. "Peaceful."

Mikey smiled, walking to Leo's side. "C'mon. Let's go sit in the woods, yeah?"

"Sure, but maybe we should bring a rope or something so we don't get lost in them- -"

"Don't worry, bro, I've got a spot I've been wantin' to show ya. I bet you'll love it." Leo nodded, slinging his arm around Mikey as his little brother led the way. Once they reached the spot, Leo felt a little smile tug at the corners of his lips. It was like a really cliche scene in a movie- - a long log under the trees, lots of grass, the sounds of squirrels chattering and running from tree to tree, lots of sunshine in the center of the area, but enough shade to provide a balance. The sound of the leaves in the wind was relaxing all in itself. Mikey looked to Leo, a smile on his face. "Ya like it?"

"Love it," Leo replied, gently elbowing his little brother. "Thanks, Mikey, this is really nice."

"Wanna sit?" Leo nodded, and they sat down together. "I'm real glad ya like it, bro. This can be your little getaway world- - a spot to call your own. Whenever I first found it, the first thing I thought was woooooaaaahhhh," Mikey giggled a bit as Leo chuckled at that. "The second thing I thought was 'Leo would love this.' Every time I came here, it made me feel good, but kinda sad at the same time."

Leo frowned a bit. "Why?"

"Everyone was really worried about you. It was hard to keep up any positivity for those 3 months. I tried my best to make them feel okay and give them hope that you'd wake up. I'm the comforting, happy, cute brother. Whenever I came here, it was just me and my thoughts, y'know? I kept thinking of you, and I always wondered if I had my hopes up too high. I wished you were awake a lot in different ways, like whenever it was 11:11, when the first star came out, when I blew on a dandelion or eyelash- - every wish I made was for you to wake up." Mikey looked down at his feet, twiddling with his fingers. "I really missed you. Whenever I saw you in the tub, I just wanted to shake you until you woke up. It was really weird not seeing or hearing you around. It really sucked. And even though you're awake now, it feels like it's all a dream, and I'm gonna wake up and be super sad about it because it wasn't real but it felt super real. My brain's weird. Maybe that's why I haven't let it out yet." Mikey fell silent for a while, trying to collect himself. He was feeling really vulnerable- - he wanted to be strong for his big brother. He finally drew in a long breath and perked his head back up, plastering a smile on his face. "Anywa- -"

Leo grabbed Mikey's upper arm tightly, tugging his little brother towards him and engulfing him in a tight hug. Mikey froze for a moment, but carefully hugged his brother back. "Your wish came true, little brother," Leo said softly. "Let it out, Mikey." Leo heard Mikey sniffle once. He knew Mikey was trying to hold it in. "Mikey, give me a real hug. Don't worry about me. Can you give me a real hug, please? I've missed your hugs." Mikey quickly tightened his embrace around Leo, resting his head on top of Leo's shoulder. Mikey started to sniffle a bit more, but he kept trying to hold it in. Leo placed one of his hands behind Mikey's head and gently rubbed it as he said "I love you, lil bro." He felt the tension in Mikey's body fade away, and held Mikey tightly as his little brother started to sob.

"I-I l-l-lo-love yo-you t-too, b-big br-bro," Mikey cried softly, laughing a bit as he heard how he sounded. He heard Leo sniff a bit and glanced up, worried. "Wh-what's w-wrong?"

Leo laughed, shaking his head. "Nothing. This is just a really emotional moment, I couldn't hold myself together. Sorry."

Mikey roared with laughter, squeezing Leo quickly. "We're such babies."

Leo managed to keep the groans of pain from escaping his throat as Mikey hugged him- - he didn't want to worry his brother, and he was pretty sure he'd be fine later on. Leo was glad his little brother was happy and had trusted him enough to let out his bottled up emotions in front of him. He smiled at his little brother, who was watching some squirrels fight over an acorn. Leo was going to let himself enjoy today instead of letting the invasive thoughts take over. Perhaps he stared too long at his brother, because eventually Mikey gave Leo a funny look.

"Bro, something up?"

"Wha, uh, no," Leo replied quickly. "I was just thinking."

"About?"

"About if you've learned new things to cook while we've been at the farm house- - have you?"

Mikey lit up, shooting straight up. "Yeah! We can go back and I can show ya something!" Mikey helped Leo up, and they headed back to the farm house. "I'm gonna warn ya, most of the dishes include eggs, so I hope you don't get sick of it too soon. April and Casey got a hold of this thing called chorizo, and lemme tell ya, it's so good with scrambled eggs. There's also..." Leo listened intently as Mikey went on about different egg dishes, feeling content for the first time since he'd woken up. Maybe, he thought to himself, things wouldn't be so bad as he had thought.


	3. Eat N' Sleep Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

The two blue-eyed turtles walked in, the smiles on their faces fading as they were met with the rest of the teens huddled in front of the door with conflicted looks on their faces. Raph, Donnie, April and Casey cut off their conversation as they turned to look at Leo and Mikey walking in. Leo felt his shoulders sink and his body felt heavy all of a sudden. They were probably talking about him. Mikey gently placed his hand on Leo's shoulder and gave it a squeeze, as if he could sense Leo's discomfort, trying to ease his brother's nerves. Leo appreciated it a lot, but- -

"Somethin' you guys needa say?" Mikey asked, breaking the silence. He was looking between Raph and Donnie.

"Yeah, actually," Donnie replied. He and Raph stepped towards the two, stopping a few inches in front of them. Donnie and Raph looked to Leo.

"Leo, we're sorry for stressin' ya out earlier," Raph started, rubbing the back of his neck.

"We're just trying to figure out what to do in your best interest," Donnie carried on. He paused a bit. "...honestly, we're just worried about making you do something that might hurt you."

"We decided that we'll hear ya out- - see whatcha got in mind- - see if it's safe to do now or later. We just got ya back, and we don't wanna risk ya gettin' seriously hurt any more than ya should, y'know?" Raph sighed, grabbing one of Leo's shoulders and looking straight at him. "What do you wanna do, Leo?"

Leo was at a loss for words... he didn't really know what he wanted to do, quite honestly.

As if Mikey could read his thoughts, he heard his little brother break the silence once again and say "maybe we should let him think about it, yeah?"

"Sure thing, that's fine," Donnie replied. "Take your time, Leo."

Leo felt like a lost puppy. He nodded lamely, immediately dropping his line of sight anywhere else than at his brothers and friends faces. They all just stood there for a minute in silence, unsure of what to do next.

"Hey, bro, lemme show ya that chorizo with eggs thing I was tellin' ya about, yeah?" Mikey suggested quietly to Leo. Leo nodded, following Mikey to the kitchen. None of the others followed them, which Leo was quietly thankful for. He didn't feel up for talking to anyone- - talking felt a bit exhausting, for some reason. Maybe he'd get over it later- - maybe it was just a temporary thing. He hoped that was the case. It wasn't even- - what time was it- - 1pm and he was already ready to go to sleep. He forgot that he had stayed up all night all because of that one nig- -

"Breakfast is served," Mikey chirped, settling the plate of scrambled eggs with chorizo in front of Leo. The smell was certainly inviting, and it looked really good. Mikey handed Leo a fork, standing by Leo's side and waiting to see Leo's reaction. Leo forked up a good portion and ate it, the taste winning him over in a manner of seconds. It had a little spice to it, but not much to irritate his mouth or anything. Leo dove into the plate, which made Mikey a happy camper. "Whoa, bro, savor it," Mikey chuckled. "Plus, if you eat it too fast, you might choke, so please slow down. Here," Mikey went and poured Leo a glass of water, walked back to Leo's side and set the glass down in front of Leo. "Drink up, bro. Gotta get the hydration back in your system."

"This is great," Leo said quickly, forking another bite into his mouth. It didn't take him long to finish the plate, and he was still wanting more. Leo drank all the water in the glass, wiping at his mouth afterward. "Oh man, it feels good to eat."

"Ya want some mor- -"

"Please and thank you," Leo replied quickly, smiling innocently as Mikey laughed at his interruption.

"No problemo, bro, just gimme a quick minute, mmkay?" Mikey went back to the stove, grabbing some more eggs and chorizo. It didn't take long for Mikey to have another plate whipped up, and this time, he added a bit more just in case Leo was extra hungry. Turns out he was, because Leo ate it all. Leo had a couple of refills of water, and finally, his stomach was satisfied.

Leo let out a content sigh, an arm over his stomach. "Thanks for the breakfast, Mikey," Leo said, a smile on his face. "Top notch."

"You full now?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Good, 'cause I gotta feed everyone else now," Mikey replied, smiling as Leo gave a sheepish smile. Mikey noticed that Leo's eyes looked a bit baggy. "You need a nap, bro?"

Leo froze a bit. "What?"

"You look kinda tired- - you got bags under your eyes. Why dontcha take a nap? Maybe when you wake up, you'll know what you wanna do with your training."

Leo remembered the nightmare, and a nap was the last thing he wanted. He was exhausted, but he wasn't ready to face that nightmare again. "Ah, no, I think the 3 months of sleeping is why my eyes look baggy."

"You sure, bro? You just seem overall tired. Did you not sleep well or somethin'- - oh, sorry, I forgot about the whole plant monster... did you toss and turn all night?"

"Yeah," Leo replied. "You could say that," he mumbled to himself. Leo pinched the corners of his eyes. He was really tired. Maybe the nightmare was a one time thing? Leo sighed, his sleep deprivation winning over his fear. "I guess a nap wouldn't hurt," Leo sighed. "I'm just not a big nap person."

"Naps are a life saver, man," Mikey said, pointing at Leo with a wooden spoon. "Stop thinking about it so hard and just go nap. You'll feel better."

"Alright, nap master, what's the best place to nap?"

"Definitely the bedroom next to the bathroom," Mikey replied. "Reaaaally nice mattress, bro."

Leo smiled. "Sounds good. Wake me up if I'm not out in... what's a good nap time frame?"

"If you're not up by 3pm, I'll go wake ya up," Mikey replied.

"Okay. Good ni- - well, I guess good morn- - I'll see ya when I wake up." Leo grabbed his crutches and headed to the stairs, which looked a bit challenging. Mikey, seeing that Leo hadn't climbed the steps yet, lowered the fire on the stove.

"You want some help up the stairs, bro?"

Leo stood silent for a minute before nodding. "I'd usually say no, but I think it's better if I had help." Leo saw Mikey start to walk towards him, but Leo halted him. "You're cooking, I don't want you to risk burning your food. I'll ask someone. You've done enough for me today, bro."

"Ya sure, dude?"

"I'll be fine, Mikey." Leo stepped into the living room, seeing the four teens in there, talking with their voices lowered. One of them caught glimpse of Leo, and the conversation dropped once again. Leo gulped dryly, feeling pathetic all of a sudden. "Sorry for interrupting, but, uh, can one of you help me up the stairs? I don't wanna risk falling on them or something."

"Sure thing, Leo," April replied, her tone soft and polite. She stood up, waiting for Leo to slug an arm around her. She led the way up, putting her arm around Leo's shell as extra support. Leo lost balance on some steps, some moments he needed to stop before climbing another step. Every time they faltered, Leo apologized, which April waved off. They eventually made it, and Leo thanked her, sliding his arm out from behind her.

"There's blankets and pillows in the room, yeah?" Leo asked.

"Yeah, fresh ones. Should still be a bit warm, hopefully," April replied.

"Alright." Leo opened the door, taking a step in, then stopping.

April stepped forward a bit. "Something wrong, Leo?"

"Whatever you four are talking about..." Leo paused, then sighed. "...never mind. I'll see you later."

"We'll tell you whenever we reach a common ground," April said before Leo could shut the door. "I'm sorry if we made you feel anything bad by cutting off the conversation whenever you came into the room. We're just tr- -"

"Don't worry about it," Leo replied, cutting her off. He turned a bit, giving her a small smile. "Sorry for bringing it up. I don't wanna hold you up from Mikey's cooking."

April smiled a bit. "Are we okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay. Sorry to worry you. See you in a bit."

April smiled more surely now. "Okay." She turned to head down the steps as Leo shut the door lightly.

Leo hobbled to the bed, carefully setting himself down onto the mattress, which was really soft. He grabbed the covers and pulled it over himself, which were still warm, thankfully. He felt nice and relaxed as he rest his head on some pillows. He shuffled around until he was comfortable, closing his eyes. He remembered why he had stayed up at night, and he was a bit nervous about napping. His nerves took over his sleepiness... for a couple of minutes. Leo's heavy eyes fluttered shut, and he could feel the sleep taking over. He just hoped that he wouldn't have the nightmare again before he fully went to sleep.


	4. Two Hearts, One Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"Man, it's 3 already?... okay, I'll go wake him up... yeah, he needed a nap... I'll go now if you'll stop naggin' me, dudes!... hm hm hm hm... knock knock, bro!... Leo, bro, it's 3, time to wake up!" Mikey shook Leo gently, trying to slowly ease Leo out of sleep into consciousness. Leo's breathing was heavy and even as Mikey started to shake him more roughly. "Leo, c'mon, dude, rise and shine!" Mikey said softly but close to Leo's face. Leo didn't budge- - didn't even make a face.

Mikey took a deep breath, gripped both hands on Leo, and shook him hard. "LEO LEO LEO LEO WAKE UUUUUUP BRO LETS GO BRO NAP TIME IS OVER WAKE UUUUUP!" Leo didn't react in any way- - just kept breathing evenly and heavily just as before. Mikey wiped at his brow, catching a breath. "Man, you were really tired, huh?" Mikey tapped his foot, thinking to himself. Mikey sighed, draping the covers back over Leo. "Alright, bro, you win this round. I'll let ya nap for an extra hour."

* * *

"Only one more hour, huh, Mikey? It's 5:30," Raph grumbled.

"I'm sorry, Raph, I forgot," Mikey replied. "He didn't budge at all! He's really tired for some reason."

"It could be that he has to ease his way back to a regular sleeping pattern. He was asleep for 3 months, after all," Donnie replied.

"Shouldn't that be enough for him, though?" Casey asked. "He got 3 months of sleep, so shouldn't he be, I dunno, wide awake?"

"The body's complicated, Casey. Everyone's different," April said. "Maybe he does have to ease into a good schedule."

"He can do that tomorrow." Raph went for the stairs. "I'm waking him up."

"Don't say I didn't warn ya, bro," Mikey hollered as Raph climbed up the stairs.

"Yeah, yeah," Raph shouted back. Raph opened the door and stepped into the room, seeing Leo sleeping with a relaxed look on his face. Leo's body was sort of sprawled out, which meant he was deep asleep. Raph smiled a bit, then stepped up to the bed. Raph grabbed Leo's arm and shook it roughly. "Up and at 'em, Leo, you slept half the day away." Leo didn't react in any other way except for his breathing faltering a bit. It returned to its evenness shortly after, which Raph took as his cue to continue trying to wake him up. Raph raised Leo's arm up and dropped it over his face, expecting Leo to stop his arm in mid air to avoid hitting himself. Leo's arm fell on top of his face, and Leo continued sleeping.

Raph grew a bit frustrated now. "Funny guy, huh? You leave me no choice, bro." Raph slid an arm under Leo's plastron, lifting Leo up off the mattress. Leo still didn't budge. "Bro, you know what comes next if you don't open your eyes. 1... 2... you asked for it..." Raph quickly let go of Leo, watching as Leo plopped back down on the mattress, bouncing a bit, then stopping. Leo was face down on the mattress, and he still didn't budge. He didn't even adjust his head to get proper air. Raph waited for him to, but once he saw that Leo was breathing in blanket instead of air, Raph adjusted Leo's head manually. "Shell, you're out like a light, huh?" He received even breathing as a reply. Raph sighed, dragging Leo up a bit on the mattress. He lifted Leo's head and set a pillow under, gently settling Leo's head on the pillow. He draped the blanket back over Leo, looking down at his big brother. "You win, for now." Raph glanced out the window, noticing that the sky was pinkish-orange. "Shell, you win for the day. No point in waking you up if it's about to be night time, anyways."

* * *

It was 11pm, and Donnie was still awake. Everyone had settled into bed by now, and although he should have been as well, he wanted to check on Leo beforehand. He quietly went up the stairs and went into the room, slowly stepping in. He halted whenever the floorboards creaked, but Leo didn't seem to pick up on it, as he hadn't moved. Donnie bent down a bit, listening intently to Leo's breathing. It was smooth, even. He saw that Leo was sort of sprawled out, but his body seemed mostly straight, as if he had been dropped in place. "Tomorrow, we'll get you started on training, in the way you want. Okay?... right, you're sleeping. Well, uh, night, Leo. Hope all this sleep you've had is treating you well."

* * *

5am, and the two freckled teens were awake. April and Mikey yawned as they rose and stretched. The sun wasn't up yet, but within the next hour, it would be time for it to come up. They groggily greeted each other, both heading for the bathroom. Mikey bowed down, gesturing April to use it first. April laughed a bit and did a little curtsy in return before happily occupying the bathroom. Mikey decided to pop his head in to check on Leo. He slowly opened the door, expecting to see Leo yawning and stretching, but instead, he saw Leo still sleeping. Mikey was a bit impressed for how long Leo had been sleeping, but most of him was worried.

"Something wrong?" April whispered.

"Leo's asleep," Mikey replied softly.

"Still?" Mikey, seeing the concern on April's face, was glad he wasn't the only one who thought it was odd.

"Should we wake him up now?"

April shrugged, conflicted. "We can try, I guess," she replied. They both entered the room, throwing the covers off of Leo. April whispered "sorry about this" before grabbing the pillow his head was resting on and sliding it out from under him, watching as his head bounced off the mattress then settled down. "Nothing, really?" April whisper-yelled. She and Mikey grabbed Leo's arms and pulled him up into a sitting position, letting go at the same time and watching as he fell onto the mattress, not budging at all.

"Not even I am that deep asleep when I've been asleep that long," Mikey said, the worry lingering in his voice. "I'ma go get the guys."

"Good idea," April replied, watching as Mikey left the room. Minutes later, Mikey, Raph, Donnie and Casey came in the room. She was expecting them to be peeved for being woken up, but instead, they looked just as worried as she and Mikey felt.

"Nothing worked?" Donnie asked.

"No, he won't budge," April replied, stepping out of the way as Casey stepped up to the bed.

"I don't wanna do this, but I don't know what else to do." Casey took in a deep breath, slapping Leo across the face. "Really? Not even a flinch?"

Everyone was now huddled around Leo, hovering over him, wondering what was happening. Was he going to wake up soon? Would he wake up? ...was he in a coma again?

* * *

He hadn't dreamed that whole night. No nightmare, no dreams. Just blackness. Not in a bad way. The blackness in deep sleep. It was nice. No visuals in his mind. Everything was good, until he felt the presence of figures surrounding him. He heard distant whispers that were growing louder. Was he suddenly dreaming? Wait...

"...redder..."

Even though he didn't hear the full word, it was enough to pique his nerves. The voices grew louder, and the figures drew in closer. He started breathing erratically, and he felt himself cold sweating. He was panicking. The nightmare was about to happen again.

* * *

"What's happening?!"

"I don't know- - step back!"

"Is he okay?"

"Give him some room!"

"What should we do?"

"When I see that burned face again, I swear, Shredder- -"

Leo suddenly shot up, leaving behind the oncoming nightmare. He knew he shouldn't have slept. His chest felt heavy and constricted, and his throat felt tight as he heaved for air. He felt droplets coming down his face- - he felt cold but hot at the same time.

"Leo!"

Leo jumped at the sudden chorus yelling his name, shrinking back. He instinctively gripped tightly onto the blanket, looking up and seeing his family and friends looking at him, concerned. Knowing that he wasn't asleep anymore, Leo's nerves slowly started to calm. It took him a bit to stop heaving and cold sweating, but he eventually reached that point. His throat felt dry, and all the sweating made him feel sticky and gross. He looked down and saw that he was still gripping the blanket tightly. He loosened his grip, pushing the blanket away.

"Can someone go get him a glass of water?" Donnie asked, breaking the silence.

"I'll go," Mikey replied.

"Thank you. Everyone else, I need the room." They were hesitant to leave at first. "I need to check on him, and I think everyone hovering over him won't help."

"I nee- -" Leo coughed, wincing as the coughing irritated the dryness of his throat. Mikey came just in time with the water, quickly handing it to Leo. Leo carefully drank it, handing it back to Mikey. Leo caught his breath before trying to speak again. "Can I be alone?"

"Leo, I don't think that's a good idea..." April replied.

"I need to check on you," Donnie added.

"I'll still be here," Leo said. "Just, please. I'm sorry I worried you all. I know that won't make you worry less. But please..."

Raph noticed the pained look in Leo's eyes. As much as they were worried about him, he knew when to give Leo his space. "C'mon, guys. We could use the fresh air."

"You sure, dude?" Casey asked. "He's in rough shape."

"Maybe one of us should stay with him," Mikey said.

"Let's just give him a minute to collect himself, lil bro." Raph looked at Leo, who had already turned his back to everyone by then. "Let's go, people."

Leo waited until he heard the door close to stand up and pace the room. He was doing fine- - why did the nightmare suddenly come back? Is every sleep session going to be plagued by that nightmare in some degree? If he can't handle whispers and figures, can he really handle anything? He leaned on the windowpane and stared out into the sky.

"Knock knock." Leo turned around, seeing Raph leaning against the door frame. "How ya holdin' up?"

"Didn't you just leave?" Leo asked, confused.

"Geez, sorry, I'll leave," Raph replied, about to head out the door.

"No, I mean- - I'm genuinely asking. I didn't mean to be rude."

"...you were serious?" Leo nodded. "You've been alone for 15 minutes. Do you need more time?"

"15 minutes? It felt like seconds..."

"Guess your time perception's way off, then," Raph replied, shutting the door and taking a seat on the bed.

"Yeah," Leo sighed. "What a short lived nap."

"Leo, you've been asleep for like, 17 hours."

Leo turned sharply, fully facing Raph. "No."

Raph nodded slowly. "Yeah, dude. It's 5 in the morning. Almost 6, actually. We spent a while tryna wake you up."

"Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"We tried. You were knocked out. We dropped your hand on your face, we made you sit up and fall on the bed, we slapped you- - you wouldn't wake up, then you started breathing really fast and sweating and mumbling."

"I," Leo breathed out, sitting on the bed now. "17 hours?"

"Was it okay?"

Leo looked at Raph. "What?"

"Your sleep- - was it okay before the panicking?"

"Yeah, I didn't dream anything, I was just asleep. Then I started dreaming of voices and figures surrounding me, closing in on me, then I heard Shredder's name, and I just... I freaked out. I," Leo held his head in his hands. "I don't know. It happened so fast."

"...was it the same nightmare from before?" Leo took a moment before nodding. "You need to talk about it."

"It's stu- -"

"No, it's not." Raph interrupted harshly. "If it's bothering you, it's not stupid."

"...okay. I'm sorry."

Raph sighed, backing down. "Nah, I'm sorry. You just- - you scared us. You scared me."

"I didn't mean to. I didn't want to sleep because of the nightmare. I," Leo rubbed the back of his neck. "Remember when I said I was tired after the first time I had the nightmare? I didn't go back to sleep. I stayed up. I was too anxious to go back to sleep."

Raph let out an exasperated sigh, sliding his hands down his face. "I knew you wouldn't go back to sleep. I shouldn't have went back to sleep."

"I'm sorry, I just- - I knew you were really tired. I didn't want you to worry."

"I'm always gonna be worried, Leo. I still am. I thought the reason why you weren't waking up was because you went back into a coma. You didn't respond to anything we did. We thought you slipped back into it again. We just got you back, and we thought we lost you again... I thought I was about to spend more months sitting by the tub again." Leo didn't know what to say. What were you supposed to say to something like that? 'I'm sorry?' 'Don't worry?' There's no appropriate response to that. "Sorry, this ain't about me. This is about you."

"No," Leo replied quickly. "Don't... don't cast your feelings aside because of me. That's the last thing I want."

"Ditto, Leo."

Leo offered a weak, single laugh. "I... I need to take your guys' feelings into consideration. I can't just keep thinking about how I'm afraid to go to sleep."

"We can all do better. But we can talk about that later. Leo," Raph grabbed Leo's shoulder, looking directly into his eyes. "You cannot bottle this up. You need to talk to someone about it. It doesn't have to be me. But at least, please, tell someone."

"...okay," Leo sighed. "y-you know how I ended up in the coma, right?"

"I know the gist of it, yeah; Shredder and his goons took ya down, threw you through the window..."

"Yeah... the nightmare is just kind of reliving that fight... but in darkness. I don't know how to describe it other than that. It's just... it's terrible. I feel like it's about to happen again, and that I can't move forward."

"...I dunno what to say. What do you say to that?"

Leo looked at Raph, smiled, then started laughing. Raph was confused and even more worried. "That's how I feel whenever you guys talk about those 3 months."

Raph smiled, rolling his eyes. "We all got some steps to take. But we're all focused on getting you up on your feet again."

"Just please don't shove your feelings aside at my expense. Please."

"Deal. And remember, we're here for you, okay? It might not seem like much, but just remember that, well, we love and care about ya. We like you in our lives. Okay?"

Leo nodded, smiling. "Same to you."

"Good. So, dork, whatcha got in mind for your training?"

Leo shrugged. "I don't really know. I just know I don't wanna be sitting around all day anymore."

"How do katas sound to you?"

Leo perked up a bit. "Sounds good to me. But I wanna wash up first- - all that sweating made me feel gross." Raph nodded, but he could tell that Raph was worried about something. "What?"

"What?"

"What's worrying you, Raph?"

"Oh, uh. Well, you know, you're just now getting up and about... sounds weird, but I'm worried about you slipping or something in the tub. I dunno." Leo didn't reply; he only nodded, then turned to look away. "Leo, I'm not sayin' I don't think you can't shower by yourself or tryna make you feel babied or stupid. I'm just worried, is all. I know you can do it. You should go now if you wanna have a couple more minutes of not being looked over."

"I appreciate your concern, Raph. I know you mean well." Leo slowly got up, grabbing his crutches. "Is there a towel in the bathroom I can use?"

"Yeah, should be either hanging on the door or on the edge of the tub."

"Thanks, Raph. And, uh, I'm sorry that I scared you all. I'ma wash up real quick." Before Raph could say anything, Leo left the room and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

The towel was on the corner of the tub, so he slid it to a shorter side of the tub to use as a headrest as he climbed in and turned on the water. He waited until it was really warm to lower the drain cover so the tub would fill up. Whenever it started to get less warm, he'd twist the cold water knob until it got warm again. The water got up to a reasonable height, and he turned it off. He leaned against the back of the tub and rested his head on the towel. He closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing. The warmth, with a slight bit of extra heat in it, eased his nerves. It felt nice.

He felt his body bob up and down whenever he breathed. He could feel the air in his lungs, and everything seemed still. He felt comfortable. Maybe even safe. He sometimes washed some water over his face to get momentary warmth on it. He felt comfortable enough to consider it a water bed and sleep. He wouldn't sleep, but it felt comfortable enough to. Leo drew in another deep breath when someone swung the door open suddenly and called his name. He breathed in too sharply and started coughing a bit, managing to tame it shortly after.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you- - are you okay?"

Leo nodded, sitting up and sighing. "Yeah, I'm fine, Donnie, don't worry."

"Am I interrupting? I can wait 'til you're done if you want."

"Nah, the moment's ruined," Leo joked, pulling the drain cover up and standing as the water started to lower. Leo looked at Donnie, who looked a bit guilty. "Donnie, I was kidding, don't worry about it. I was about to get out anyways. Sorry if I made you feel bad."

Donnie shrugged it off, offering a polite smile. "Don't be. How are you feeling?"

"In what aspect?" Leo asked as he grabbed the towel and started to dry himself off.

"Oh, uh, physically."

"I feel like a million bucks. Legs feel like they're heavy, torso feels achy, got a slight headache. My throat feels tight, but not as much as before."

"I'll take a look whenever you're downstairs. Sound okay?"

"Peachy," Leo replied, stepping out of the tub. He saw the guilty look on Donnie's face again, and he started to feel bad. "I was joking, Donnie. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, I guess I just have a sarcastic humor today. I don't mean to take it out on you."

Donnie nodded and smiled politely again, heading out of the room. Leo sighed as Donnie left, feeling guilty for making his brother feel bad. He knew Donnie was just trying to look out for him. Leo noticed that Donnie had been acting... polite ever since he woke up, as if he was tiptoeing around Leo. It was as if Donnie was unsure of how to interact with Leo without fear of upsetting him. Was Donnie mad at him for how things turned out, or did Donnie think he... well, it wasn't like Leo was mad at him or anything like that.

Well, that's exactly what Donnie thought.


	5. The Semi-Truth Will Ease Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"Is something wrong with Leo?" April asked as she saw Donnie's grim expression.

"As far as I can tell, apart from the obvious, no," Donnie replied, reaching the final step of the stairs. "I haven't done a check up yet. I'm waiting until he comes downstairs to look over him."

"Then why the long face?" They both walked to the couch in the living room, but it was occupied by Raph, Mikey and Casey, who seemed to be getting tired again. They glanced at each other and went to the kitchen so that they wouldn't disturb their snoozing. "What's bothering you?"

"Oh, the usual," Donnie joked, chuckling grimly to himself. Once he saw April's concerned look, he sighed. "Sorry. Joking about my own problems. It's just- -" Some movement in his peripheral vision caught Donnie's attention, and he dropped the conversation.

"Sorry, am I interrupting something? I can wait," Leo said a bit sheepishly. Leo waved his arm up a bit and waved at April. "Morning."

April smiled. "Morning, Leo."

"We'll talk about this later?" Donnie whispered to April.

"Sure, of course," April replied, smiling at Donnie. She reached for his upper arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Later."

Donnie smiled back at her a bit, lifting his hand up and cupping it around April's hand, squeezing it a bit. He dropped his hand down and walked over to Leo. "In here or the living room?"

"Here's fine," Leo replied. "I don't wanna accidentally wake up the guys." Leo hobbled over to a chair, slowly setting himself down on it.

"Okay." Donnie kneeled down, first wanting to assess Leo's legs. "How bad do they hurt?"

"The messed up one hurts the most. Feels like it's pulsing and heavy and achy. All that fun stuff." Leo quickly mentally kicked himself. "Sorry. Laughing at my own pain. I'll try to stop."

"The other leg?"

"Feels heavy but okay."

"You want some water?" April asked, a glass full of water in her hand.

"Thank you," Leo replied, accepting the offer and reaching out for it. He grabbed it and tried to not drink it all so quickly.

"Donnie, you want some?"

"Please and thank you," Donnie replied, focusing on Leo's bum leg. "Okay, I'm gonna gently squeeze up your leg. Tell me when to stop, okay, Leo?"

Leo set aside his glass of water, taking in a deep breath. "Okay."

"You want me to fetch a pillow or something, Leo?" April asked. "So you can have something to squeeze, maybe?"

Leo smiled and nodded almost immediately. "That'd be great." April nodded and quickly left the room and came back in a couple of seconds later, a throw pillow in her hand. She handed it to Leo, smiling a bit as he clutched it against his chest. "Thank you." Leo shut his eyes, preparing for pain. He felt Donnie's hand on his ankle, and he immediately moved his leg from Donnie's hand. He opened his eyes, feeling a bit embarrassed. "S-sorry, I just- - April, uh, do you mind being at my side and, I dunno, just have your hand on my shoulder or something? I feel like I need moral support or whatever, however lame I may sound."

"You're not lame for asking for support," April replied, walking to Leo's side and placing her hand on his shoulder. "If you need to, you can squeeze my hand."

"I don't want to make your hand cramp or anything," Leo replied, both he and April laughing a bit. "Just having you by my side should be enough."

"Just please don't kick my face is all I ask," Donnie said as he slowly reached for Leo's ankle again. "You ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Alright." Donnie gently squeezed around Leo's ankle. "How's that feel?"

"It's okay," Leo replied.

"Okay. I'm going to slowly go up now, okay? Tell me when."

Leo nodded, drawing out a long breath. "Okay." It was going okay the first couple of times, but as Donnie got halfway up from the ankle to the knee, Leo started feeling some discomfort. Leo let out a little breath as Donnie squeezed a bit higher. When Donnie reached the point where it was only a couple squeezes away from his knee, Leo's leg started to instinctively buck back from the squeezes.

"Leo?" Donnie looked up at Leo, whose eyes were shut tight. "You remember what I told you?"

"Mhm, uh huh," Leo replied quickly. "It's bearable."

"Are you sure?" April asked, moving her hand to Leo's upper arm. "We can stop here for today."

"No, I don't want a guess of where it hurts the most. Keep going."

Donnie was hesitant. "Okay, Leo." Donnie took a deep breath as he skipped a couple of inches and went for the bottom of the knee. Not even completely squeezing, Leo's hands immediately clenched the ends of the pillow as he pulled at it, and his leg jerked away from Donnie's hand. Leo's toes were as curled in as could be, and his leg felt like all the nerves were pinching in unison.

Leo hissed, biting down on his bottom lip to keep himself from screaming or groaning loudly. Leo tried laughing through the pain. "Yep yep yep, yeah, that- - that was definitely it, ohhh boy," Leo laughed, bringing the pillow up to his face and letting out a loud groan into it, thankful that it was muffled. His throat felt so tight from holding in everything he wanted to yell. He lowered the pillow, reaching for the water he set aside. He quickly grabbed it and drank what was left in there, letting out a loud 'ahh' as he set it back down. "That was- - that was not pleasant, I'll tell you that."

April smiled sadly at Leo, cupping his cheek and rubbing it gently with her thumb. "Well, the good thing is that the worst part is over, right?"

Leo smiled a bit. "You're right," he replied, sighing. He brought his hand up to hers, squeezing it for a second before dropping his arm back down to his side. "Can you get me some more water, please? My throat is killing me."

"Sure thing, Leo," April replied, dropping her hand from his cheek, grabbing the glass, and walking to the fridge.

"Thanks for not kicking my face in," Donnie said. "And sorry about doing that with no warning."

"Don't worry about it," Leo replied, breathing heavily as if he had just done some heavy workout session. "It's better that you did it this way. If I would have known when it was coming, I would've tried to avoid it."

"Well, now I know what part to look out for. I'm gonna squeeze your upper leg really quick- - tell me if there's any pain there, okay?" Leo nodded, and with that said, Donnie quickly squeezed up Leo's thigh. Near the knee there was some pain and discomfort, but the further up he went, the less discomfort there was. Donnie set his hands down and stood up. "Okay, it's just the knee we've got to look out for, then. I'll go get some bandage wrappings for it, okay? Be right back."

As Donnie left the room and April came back to Leo's side with more water, Leo sighed, putting his head in his hands.

"Don't worry, Leo, I'm sure the rest of the checkup will fly by compared to now," April said, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not worried about that," Leo replied, sitting up enough to drink the water April handed him. "I'm just confused about something."

"Wanna lay it on me?" April asked.

"It seems like... I don't know how to explain it, but Donnie seems skittish, almost, around me. Skittish isn't the right word- - he's being polite, like we've just met or like something weird happened. I don't know if it's just me- - maybe I'm just overanalyzing? It just seems like I did something- -"

"Alright, I've got the bandages- -" Donnie interrupted. Leo dropped his sentence, looking up at Donnie along with April. "Oh, shoot, did I interrupt?"

"Don't worry about it," April replied. "I was just about to get an ice packet for Leo. His knee and leg look swollen, so I was thinking leveling it and putting ice on it would help, along with the compression that the bandages would provide."

"That's a great idea," Donnie replied, a genuine smile on his face. Leo smiled a bit, seeing a real smile on Donnie's face instead of a fake one. Donnie's smile quickly faded, though, as he thought of something. "But wait, training..."

"I think training can wait," Leo replied quickly. "Besides, I think even if I tried, my leg would hold me back. I'll just rest for today."

"Are you sure? I know you want to get back up on your feet, though," Donnie asked, a guilty look on his face.

"I'm sure, Donnie. Whatever seems better in your opinion, I'll stick to it. I just wanna do whatever it takes to get better. Don't feel bad, please."

Donnie sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Okay, as long as you're sure." His smile didn't come back, but he looked more relaxed than before. It was better than nothing, Leo thought to himself. "It's still pretty early, anyways, so training would've started way later. Let's get you on the couch, yeah? Oh, wait, the guys... we could get you on the bed upstairs again..."

"One of the couch chairs should be fine, Donnie," Leo interrupted. "I just need a place to elevate my leg, that's not too hard to find." Leo reached for his crutches and slowly got on his feet, taking a deep breath, then headed for the living room. Leo went for the more comfy-looking couch chair, slowly setting himself down on it. He set his crutches to the side, drawing out another deep breath. He wondered how long it would be until going from one room to the other would no longer leave him breathless. April grabbed a leg rest and set it under Leo's leg as Donnie came with some pillows to prop his leg up. April carefully placed an ice pack on Leo's ankle and set a cold compress on Leo's knee. "Thanks," Leo said quietly.

"Do you want me to wrap a wrapping around the compress so it stays in place?" April asked.

"Would that be better?"

"Yeah," Donnie whispered. "Keep it wrapped for an hour, keep the compress away for maybe 3 hours, then put the compress back on. But let me wrap your knee first, okay?"

Leo nodded, closing his eyes and letting himself sink into the cushions of the chair as Donnie carefully wrapped his knee. Leo's leg would sometimes want to jerk away, but he kept it in place, not wanting to complicate Donnie's wrapping. Leo was feeling a bit tired- - not in the sleepy sense, but in the sense that his body felt as if all the energy had been drained away. Leo was really not used to being so tired out so soon, but he couldn't do anything about it. He had a lot of healing to do, not that he was happy about it.

"Okay, all done," Donnie whispered. Leo opened his eyes, seeing his now-wrapped knee. Donnie must have seen how half-lidded Leo's eyes and how heavy Leo's body looked because he asked "you tired?" Leo nodded once, sighing. Donnie gave a polite smile. "I'll let you rest then."

Leo quickly reached out and grabbed Donnie's hand, holding him there. Donnie turned back a bit, giving Leo a confused look. "Donnie, I wanna thank you for taking care of me, even when I didn't want you to and even when I was difficult. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably be dead by now. And I'm sorry if I did anything to upset you- - I'll do whatever I can to make it up for it."

"Leo, you didn't do anything to upset me," Donnie replied softly. "What made you think that?"

"You've been acting like... polite around me, like something happened. I'm a big jerk for not remembering, but I'm sorry all the same, Donnie. I really am."

"You didn't do anything, Leo, I promise. I'm just jittery because... well, this is my most intense case of health care. You were in a coma, and I can't directly determine what's wrong with your knee, only that it's probably dislocated or fractured or out of place- - I guess it's just eating at me. I want you to be in the best shape possible, but I'm not a real doctor, and I think I'm way past my abilities."

"Donnie, I know that whatever you do, you'll do it well. I have complete faith in you. Whatever you think is best, I'll try my best to follow through with it. I trust you. I'm sorry that I didn't think about how much pressure you must be feeling. Why don't you take some time for yourself and not worry about me? You deserve a break, Donnie. I'll be sitting here all day, I promise. I'll only get up for water or to use the bathroom, nothing else."

Donnie smiled a genuine smile at Leo, making Leo smile. Donnie squeezed Leo's hand a bit. "I'll try my best to relax, just for you. Get some rest if you can, okay?"

Leo nodded once, slipping his hand out from Donnie's hand and setting it by his side. "I'll try. You too, Donnie. Please." Donnie nodded, chuckling a bit as he left the room. Leo was glad that Donnie had genuinely smiled at him! Leo shut his eyes, trying to relax. Things were going well and it didn't seem like nothing was going to disturb that as he fell asleep.

* * *

"You look happy," April commented as Donnie came out of the living room.

"I think I just had a bit of an ice breaker with Leo," Donnie replied.

"You talked about it?" April asked.

"Oh, not it it, just how the pressure of trying to get him back to health has been kind of stressing me out."

April crossed her arms across her chest, giving Donnie a look. "Donnie..."

"I wasn't lying, technically," Donnie quickly replied, holding his hands up in a surrendering manner. "It really has been putting pressure on me that I've been avoiding. It's as great of a place we'll be in without telling him all that other stuff."

"You're going to have to tell him sooner or later, Donnie. It's been eating away at you for 3 months, and I don't want you to put yourself through the wringer longer than you need to. He's awake now, and there's no better time than the present."

"Except when he's sleeping." April narrowed her eyes at Donnie. He smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I'll try to work up the courage to tell him soon, I promise."

"If you don't, Donnie, I will, and you know that I will."

"I know you will. I'll really try, April. I'm gonna try to get some more sleep in my system since it's pretty early. You should, too."

"Yeah, yeah," April mumbled, heading to the living room.

Donnie groaned playfully and stepped in front of her. "Pleaaaaase don't be too mad at me. I just... I need to find a time where he and I are alone and have time to talk about it, is all. I will tell him soon, April. I promise."

"You know there's never a certain right time, Donnie."

Donnie set his hands on her upper arms, gently holding them. "I will tell him, April. Just please, trust me and give me time, okay?"

April sighed, finally cracking a smile to ease his nerves. "Fine, Donnie. I'll give you some time. Now let me go snooze, will ya?"

Donnie looked at his hands and quickly dropped them from her arms, smiling sheepishly. "Yeah, sure, no problem! S-sorry about that."

April chuckled a bit, giving his hand a quick squeeze. "Go rest up before you pass out on the floor."

Donnie nodded, quickly going up the steps and secluding himself in the bedroom. He pulled the drapes shut so the sunlight wouldn't bother him and laid down on the bed, pulling the covers over himself. His mind raced with thoughts of 'how will I tell him' 'when will I tell him' 'will I tell him' 'should I tell him' 'will he get mad' 'will he feel bad' and much more. He found himself thinking less and less, his sleepiness taking over the thoughts in his head.

Before both of them fully went to sleep, they both asked themselves, "when's the right time to tell him?"


	6. Operation: We'll See What Happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Everyone was sleeping in very contently. They didn't have anything specific to do, so getting extra shut eye felt pretty good. Around noon, someone finally woke up.

"Mm, what time is it?"

"Around noon."

Raph turned his head and followed the sound of Leo's voice. Raph grunted softly as he sat up and stretched a bit, yawning. "Hmm. Not too bad for some extra shut eye."

"Oh, I'm sure- - at one point, you three were all laying on each other like dominoes."

Raph chuckled a little, yawning a little bit again. "How ya feelin'?"

Leo shrugged. "I'm Switzerland."

"I'm not awake enough to know what you're talking about, dude."

"Neutral."

"Why didn't you just say that?" Raph mumbled, rubbing at his eyes.

Leo laughed a bit. "Sorry. I was napping but my leg started to fall off to the side and... yeah."

That alerted Raph a bit. "Shell, are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"It was a while ago. I'm alright. I set it back up myself, but haven't napped since then."

"Do you wanna try sleeping upstairs?"

"No, Donnie and April are sleeping up there. I'm fine, honest."

Raph looked at his brother. Physically, no, Leo wasn't fine. That was a given. He was pretty certain that Leo wasn't doing great mental or emotion wise, either. He could tell from how Leo looked. He knew Leo waking up didn't mean Leo was going to be his usual, dorky self, but the hope inside him was thinking that Leo was going to be more upbeat, for some odd reason. He was glad Leo was awake, but was Leo glad he woke up?

"You okay, Raph?"

Raph looked up, meeting Leo's confused gaze. "O-oh, yeah, sorry, I'm still waking up."

Leo smiled a bit at that. "If you're that tired, just go back to sleep. There's not really anything we have to go do, after all."

"No, I'm tired, but not sleepy tired. Does that make sense?"

"Is it like a drained kind of tired?"

"...yeah, that's pretty much what it is, actually. But I might as well do something since I'm awake." Raph slowly stood up, stretching his arms out again. "I'm gonna head into the kitchen; do ya want anything?"

"Nah, I'm good, thanks."

Raph looked at Leo for a moment, then nodded. "Alright, just yell if you change your mind."

"Okay, man." Raph left, knowing that Leo wanted to be alone for a bit. Leo sighed, feeling bad. Talking spent so much of his energy and he wasn't sure why it was happening. He hadn't felt this way before... it was frustrating. He wanted to say what was on his mind, but the thought of burdening someone with his negative thoughts held him back. He felt like a bad person; he didn't know why, yet there were so many reasons why. He felt like he deserved to feel bad, but he wanted it to stop. Sometimes, he felt like tearing up, other times, he felt nothing. He knew feeling this way wasn't good, but it wouldn't go away. The only good thing that kept popping into his mind that he got somewhere with Donnie. He wasn't sure how Donnie was feeling, but he wanted to resolve it. But how to approach it...

"Yo, Leo, what time is it?"

Leo jerked his head a bit, snapping out of his thoughts. "Oh, uh, think it's still noon."

Casey paused for a moment. "Yeah, I can sleep a lil longer, then." With that said, Casey shifted around until he was comfortable and went back to sleep in a matter of seconds. Leo was a bit surprised at how quickly Casey could go back to sleep. He wished he could do that right now.

"What the... thought I heard Casey talking?" Raph wondered aloud, his head popping in the living room.

"He asked for the time and then decided to get some more sleep," Leo replied, laughing a bit. "You shoulda seen how fast he went back to sleep. It was kind of impressive."

"Tell me about it. Been seeing it for 3 months- - still don't get how he does it."

"Hey, Raph, can I, uh, ask you something?"

Raph stepped into the living room. "Sure, what's up?"

Leo opened his mouth, about to speak, but stopped himself. "I, uh, was wondering if you could make some scrambled eggs?"

Raph chewed the inside of his cheek, a bit frustrated. "Sure, Leo."

Leo laughed guiltily. "Sorry."

Raph was about to head out, but stopped and turned back around. "Are you even actually hungry?"

Leo was a bit thrown off by that. "What?"

"...look, we both know that's not what you were wanting to ask. But if you're not ready to talk about whatever you wanna talk about, I gotta know if you actually want food or not so that later I don't see you playing with your food."

Leo looked away a bit, embarrassed at Raph's call out. "I could eat." Raph gave Leo a look. "I just need a distraction, or something to focus on instead of just sitting here, waiting for the day to end."

Raph's eyes went half lidded as he looked away from Leo. "Alright, I guess." Raph left, heading to the kitchen and getting out what he needed to make scrambled eggs. Raph grabbed a glass of water and headed back to the living room, handing it to Leo. "You want it as a sandwich or nah?"

"Sounds good, thanks."

"Yeah."

Leo shut his eyes, lowering his head a bit. "I'm sorry."

Raph stopped and looked back a bit. He sighed. "Don't worry about it. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Don't beat yourself up more than you already are. Just work up as much of an appetite as you can for now. You needa eat, anyways." Raph headed back to the kitchen. He saw someone move and stopped to see who it was. April was taking out some butter, pausing when she noticed Raph. "Hey."

"Hey," April yawned a bit. "Anyone else awake?"

"Just you, me and Leo. But I think he needs some time alone."

April sighed, smiling a bit tiredly as she ran her hand through her hair. "Same thing with Donnie."

"He still nervous around Leo?" Raph asked, bringing his voice to a whisper now.

"Yeah, but I guess they had a bit of an ice breaker earlier? Not sure, but Donnie looked a little relaxed," April whispered. "How's Leo feeling?"

"I can tell he wants to tell me somethin', but he's holding back. Probably bad to say, but it's frustrating me. I just want him, and Donnie, to just spill whatever's going on in their heads already." Raph sighed, grabbing the butter from April. "I know it's more complicated than that, but still."

"You and me both, Raph," April chuckled. "I told Donnie if he doesn't tell Leo soon, I'll tell him myself."

"You think Leo's worried about Donnie?" Raph asked. "I mean, obviously he is, 'cause he's worried about all of us, but I mean the same kind of way Don's worried about him."

April raised an eyebrow, laughing a bit as Raph smiled and rolled his eyes. "Gotta be more specific, Raph."

"I mean, like Donnie's worried that Leo's mad at him about their disagreement about which plan to go with back in New York. Do you think Leo's worried about that same thing, too?"

April's smile faded. "...I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case." April dragged her hands down her face. "Gosh... they're both so stupid sometimes."

Raph tried to stifle his laugh, but he couldn't hold it back. April smiled and rolled her eyes. "Sorry. You're right; it was just really awesome hearing that from you all of a sudden. Well, I can try to talk to Leo, but I'm not sure if he'll open up."

"Same with Donnie, but I'll give it a shot. Ooh, what should we call this operation?"

Raph raised a brow. "Mikey's rubbing off on you. Uh, how about... operation we'll see what happens?"

April laughed now, trying quickly to stop so that she wouldn't wake anyone. "Fair enough, I like it. Now, about those eggs... chop chop, maestro Raphael," April teased, clapping her hands.


	7. Letting It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo goes through a lot of pain in this one so buckle up for that -finger guns-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"Someone order an egg sandwich?"

Leo looked up, a bit surprised to see April. "Hey, I didn't know you were up already- - thanks," Leo said, taking the plate from her.

"I didn't want to bother you, so I just whispered while I demanded Raph make me food. A pretty hard task since we kept teasing each other, but I guess we succeeded." Leo smiled a bit for some seconds, then his lips went straight lined. April sat on one of the armrests of his chair, noticing that he tensed up a bit. "Just so you know, I'm not leaving until you either finish your food or you get full." Leo glanced at her from the side, then looked back down at his food. She knew that he was going to be tense until he was alone. He really didn't seem to want company, but April thought otherwise. To get something out of him, she was going to have to push some boundaries. "Raph told me that your leg fell off the pillows while you were napping. Is it throbbing or anything?"

Leo felt weird having someone watch over him physically and with them knowing he wasn't very comfortable with it. "N-not much," Leo replied quietly, taking a bite out of his sandwich. He tried eating as much as he could, but April lowered his hand down from his face. He looked up at her and felt nervous as he saw the stern look on her face.

"Don't rush. You might choke." Leo nodded, pausing from eating but feeling incredibly awkward as he looked away. "Raph said you wanted to be alone, but I don't think that's it. I think... I think you don't want to feel rude, or burdensome, or like a downer if someone wants to be around you but you don't feel like talking or doing anything." Leo glanced up at her a bit. What she was saying... it was hitting home. "You know, some people would be relieved to not have to be around someone who's upset and sitting in silence. But you know, there are people who don't care if it's quiet or not, if you're upset or not- - they just care about being around you, and that's it. They just like having your company, and I'm sure you feel the same way. Like, say I was the one who was acting how you are. You might think, 'she wants to be alone,' but you know me better than that. I'd just want to be alone so that you don't feel awkward sitting in silence with me. Anyways, my point is, is that how you're thinking and feeling lately?"

Leo didn't reply for a moment. It was like she took the words right out of his mouth. Leo finally let out a long sigh and nodded. "Yeah," he breathed. "That's... basically it."

April noticed that the tension Leo had earlier was now gone. She smiled to herself a bit. "We know when you want to be alone and when you're holding back. We don't care if it's quiet, we don't care if you don't feel like talking or doing anything. We just want to be around you, same as you want to be around us. We're just all worried about being a burden on each other so much that we don't try to look deeper. But that's not going to get us anywhere, is it?"

"I guess not," Leo replied. "Sorry I've been acting weird. I just- -"

"Don't," April interrupted. "I know it's hard. I can't imagine everything you're feeling and thinking right now. But if you ever want to talk about it, you can talk to any of us."

"I know. I just wish I could make myself say everything on my mind, but I just..." Leo sighed, biting into his sandwich. "I don't know."

April put her hand on top of Leo's head. "I get it. Just whenever you feel comfortable enough to. Doesn't have to be now." April noticed that Leo looked a bit uncomfortable. "Are you full?"

"Not full, but... my body's just not feeling what I just ate." Leo shut his eyes, taking in a deep breath. "Shit," he whispered. He swung his leg off of the leg rest and reached for his crutches, quickly standing up. April hopped out of the way, immediately worried. He was heading for the stairs, but April stopped him.

"Wait, that's a bad idea. C'mon," April opened the front door, waving her arms as Leo hurriedly hobbled outside. Raph noticed and quickly looked to April.

"What the- -"

"Get some water," April interrupted, heading out the door. "Now, Raph!" April shut the door behind her as softly as she could, turning around just as Leo started to throw up. She frowned a bit watching him in such a state. Raph was with him the first time he threw up... she wondered how bad Raph must have felt for his brother. After a while, Leo was just dry heaving. Whenever he was done feeling pukey, he slammed his fist on the wooden railing, frustrated at the situation. He kept cursing under his breath as he tried to catch his breath. April carefully approached him, rubbing his shell. "Got it all out of your system?"

"I hope so," Leo mumbled. "I think that was from the meals yesterday."

April chuckled a bit. "Ew," she joked. She worried that she made him feel more crummy, but relaxed when she saw a corner of his mouth turn up. April turned as she heard the door open, seeing Raph with some glasses of water in the crook of his arm.

"Guess that's it for food today, then," Raph said, stepping up to Leo's other side and setting the glasses of water on the railing. "Maybe it was my cooking..."

"No, the eggs were good," Leo replied, his voice sounding hoarse. He cleared his throat, grabbing one of the glasses of water. "I guess I wasn't as open to eating as I thought." He drank the water quickly, and April had to make him slow down once again. Leo's free hand was gripping the railing, and April slid her hand on top of his, squeezing it gently. Leo looked down at their hands, then up at April.

"Try to relax, Leo," April said softly. "Sometimes we can't control what our bodies want to do. There's no shame in it. Honestly. Better to just let it out than holding it in."

Leo nodded. He picked up on the subtext she was hinting at. Once he finished the first glass of water, he went for the next one.

"Thanks for being out here even though you can clearly see the puddle of puke below," Leo said, smiling a bit as Raph and April laughed at that. Now that his throat and stomach weren't really acting out anymore, the pain in his bum leg started screaming out, and he was feeling it. He gripped the railing hard, drawing in a deep breath.

"What's wrong?" Raph asked. "Is more about to come out?" Leo shook his head, tilting his head up and trying not to make any pained sounds. "Leo, what is it?"

"His leg," April replied for him, her worry growing. "He hopped on it so fast and shot out the door- - his body's probably starting to feel it now since he's done throwing up."

Leo slipped out a loud grunt, along with some more cursing under his breath. He laughed sardonically at himself. "I just can't win today, can I?"

April and Raph glanced at each other worriedly, then looked back at Leo. "Do you want us to carry you upstairs?"

"I," Leo paused a bit, taking in a couple short breaths. "I don't want to wake the guys- -"

"Leo, they're not going to care- - they can literally sleep whenever they want to!" April replied quite a bit loudly. She sounded irritated yet concerned. "You gotta sit back down or lay down, now."

"Let's just get him settled on the steps here for now," Raph suggested.

"No, we should get him inside. It'll only be more painful if he sits and has to get back up."

"Whatever's better, let's do it." Raph and April had Leo sling his arms around them. "You good to go, dude?"

Leo grit his teeth, mumbling "let's just get this over with" quickly. They went through the front door, helped him up the stairs, had him go into the second bedroom, and helped him settle onto the bed as fast as they could. Leo was still biting back the sounds of pain, breathing in and out quickly. Raph and April rushed to get him pillows, blankets, ice and water. All the jogging around the house started waking up the others, and their curiosity piqued when they saw the expressions on Raph and April's faces.

"What's going on?" Mikey mumbled, lifting himself off of the couch.

"We under attack or somethin'?" Casey wondered, standing up.

"No," April and Raph replied in unison, climbing back up the stairs. When they reached the top, Donnie had opened his door and stepped out of the way as they went into the second bedroom. He was confused, along with Casey and Mikey, until Leo finally let out a loud pained sound. The three rushed into the room, trying to figure out what the heck happened.

"Hooooly hell," Leo groaned, desperately restraining himself from throwing his hands over his knee.

"This is gonna hurt," Raph said quickly, lifting Leo's bum leg up and setting pillows underneath it as fast as he could. Leo's leg jerked, which just made it worse. Raph set Leo's leg onto the pillows as gently as he could, stepping back to let April put ice over his knee.

"Raph, what happened to him?" Mikey asked.

"Let me through, let me see what I can do," Donnie said, pushing past his two brothers and Casey.

"Anythin' we can do to help?" Casey asked Raph.

"I'm not sure what else we can do, honestly," Raph replied quietly.

Leo kept clenching his fists, but it couldn't help the immense pain he was feeling. Sometimes, he laughed, but he always went back to moaning or cursing. Mikey, wanting to help in whatever way possible, went to Leo's side and had Leo grab his hand. Leo opened his eyes a bit to see what was going on, looking up at Mikey.

"Squeeze my hand, dude, I don't care how bad it hurts. I mean it."

Leo looked at Mikey for a couple of seconds before gripping his brother's hand tightly as another wave of pain came. He couldn't think about being worried for Mikey's hand now- - his brain was just screaming "make this stop make this stop make this stop make this sto- -"

"We're trying, Leo, we're trying," April said, looking at him sadly. Leo was confused for a second and realized he had actually been begging "make this stop."

"Leo, we're going to have to redress your bandages, alright?" Donnie warned.

"Just do it!" Leo hissed. "Hurry up and make it stop- -" Leo cut himself off with a loud growl as Donnie lifted Leo's bum leg up and started redressing it. His leg kept trying to jerk away from the pain, which just made it worse. Every time his leg moved, more pain came. Raph had to look away at one point, feeling disturbed by how much pain his brother was going through.

"Breathe, dude, don't hold it in," Casey warned, seeing how Leo was sometimes holding his breath. "That'll just make it worse; you might pass out."

Leo kept it in mind, not holding his breath again. The last thing everyone needed was Leo passing out. Donnie had finally finished redressing his knee and set it down on the pillows, both he and April stepping back. Leo's intense grip on Mikey's hand eventually started loosening enough to where Leo didn't need to hold Mikey's hand anymore. Mikey's hand was red and pulsing, but Mikey was happy he could help out somehow. Leo was now focused on getting his breathing and heart rate under control, but his vision was getting kind of blurry at times.

"D-Donnie," Leo breathed weakly.

Donnie stepped up quickly. "What's up?"

"M-my eyes," Leo blinked a couple of times.

"Is your vision going blurry?" Leo nodded quickly, shutting his eyes. "Keep your eyes closed, keep focusing on your breathing for now, okay?" Leo nodded again. Donnie looked over Leo, trying to figure out what else was needed to be done. "Can someone get a cold, damp towel for Leo's head?"

"I'll get it," Raph replied. "Mikey, come with me, I'ma try to do something about your hand."

"S-sorry," Leo breathed after hearing that.

"No, bro, it's totally fine," Mikey replied reassuringly. "Don't worry about it, please, okay?" Mikey followed Raph out of the room.

"Do ya know what's actually wrong with his knee, D?" Casey asked.

"It's gotta be dislocation. If it was a break, it'd be much worse."

"Shouldn't we make a splint then? I don't think bandages are gonna do a lot."

"It does sound like it'd help," April chimed in. "It wouldn't even take long to do."

"I agree, but I think he's gone through enough for today." Donnie looked down at Leo, who had an arm over his eyes. "It can wait."

"Okay, but I don't see why we can't assemble one now," April said. "Casey and I can make it. Gives us something to do for the rest of the day."

"Yeah, okay," Donnie replied. "Casey, you could use the things we set aside in the barn to help."

"Alright, Kraang-breath. Ready, Red?" April nodded. They both headed out of the room, looking back one more time before leaving.

Raph and Mikey came back in, folded towels in their hands.

"We got a cold one and a hot one just in case," Mikey said.

"Good call," Donnie replied. "Can you hand me the cold one for now?"

Raph handed the cold one to Donnie, he and Mikey watching as Donnie gently placed it on Leo's forehead. "You finish everything leg related?"

"For today, definitely. He doesn't need to go through any more today." Donnie looked at Mikey's hand. "Your hand okay?"

"Yeah, it's a little tense, but it's fine. I just needa keep opening and closing my hand, easy peasy."

Donnie grabbed it and took a closer look at it. He noticed that there was a bit of bruising that was starting to show on the top of Mikey's hand. Mikey looked at Donnie and held his finger up to his lips. He didn't want to make Leo feel more bad about his hand, so he asked Donnie to keep quiet about it. Donnie nodded.

"Alright, just know that some really warm water could help the tension."

Mikey nodded. "Where'd April and Casey go?"

"They're making a splint for Leo's leg," Donnie replied. He sounded tense yet exhausted. "His knee is dislocated, but we'll try it out tomorrow."

"Aw no..." Mikey mumbled to himself. Knowing what the actual problem was just made him worry more. He stepped up to the bed. "Leo, you awake?" Leo hummed a bit in response. "You know how you were worried about your strength since you've been out for 3 months? Well, don't. You still got your killer strength, bro. You should've seen the look on Casey's face. He definitely knows now to not get on your bad side." Mikey was hoping to lighten Leo's mood a bit with some humor and was pleased when he saw Leo smile a bit. All three brothers, seeing this, laughed a bit. "Did I help at all? I hope I did." Leo smiled genuinely now, nodding lightly in response. Mikey smiled. "I'm glad, bro."

"Do you need anything else, Leo?" Donnie asked. Leo shook his head carefully. "Okay. I'm going to get some food, then I'll come check up on you. That sound okay?" Leo hummed "mm-hmm." Donnie looked over Leo one more time, seeing if he glanced over anything. "Alright. I'll be back in a bit. Mikey, can you make those eggs where you flip it on both sides?"

"Sure, D," Mikey replied. "Leo, if ya need us, just yell or whatever, okay?" Leo hummed again. "Raph, ya comin'?"

"Mm-hmm," Raph mumbled. Mikey nodded and left the room along with Donnie. Raph stood back for a bit, looking at Leo. He was about to leave when he heard Leo start to heave a bit, stopping him in his tracks. He turned back around and saw that Leo had turned on his side a bit, facing the wall. "What's wrong?" Leo froze as Raph spoke, holding his breath. "Leo?"

"...I thought you left," Leo said quietly.

"Do you want me to?"

Leo didn't reply for a minute. "C-come back in a bit. If you want."

Raph was really worried. Leo sounded like he was broken, weak, drained... scared. "Is 5 minutes okay?" Leo nodded. "Okay. I'ma shut the door, alright?" Leo nodded again. Raph timidly went to the door, looking back at Leo once again before he shut the door gently. Once Leo heard the click of the door shutting, he listened as he heard Raph descending the stairs. Leo finally lowered his arm down from his eyes, knowing that if he opened his eyes, he'd see a smudge of tears on it. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. He didn't want to feel the unbearable pain anymore. He didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to be pitied anymore. All he wanted to do was just cry.


	8. Phase 1: Opening Them Up | Donnie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donnie finally talks about his feelings, which are pretty upsetting so I'ma give ya a heads up about that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"Order's up," Mikey chirped, sliding the plate in front of Donnie. Donnie pinched the corners of his eyes, sighing. Mikey frowned a bit. "Sorry, was I too loud?"

"What?" Donnie was confused. "Oh, no no, it's not you. It's just... that was one heck of a wake up call."

"You still tired?"

"Always am," Donnie chuckled.

"Why don't you sleep a bit more dude? I know Leo wouldn't mind if you did. He probably wants some alone time, anyways. I know I would."

"My thoughts are racing too much for me to think about sleeping."

"Are you thinking about the thing in New York again?" Mikey asked, sounding somber.

"...maybe," Donnie mumbled. "He wouldn't be in that state if I had gone along with the plan. We wouldn't have split up. None of this would be happening right now if I would have just listened to him."

"D, this isn't your fault. It's Shred Head's fault. He's the one who did this to Leo, not you."

Donnie sighed a bit. "I know. It's just... guilt is a tough thing to not listen to."

"I know, bro. I wish I could karate chop those thoughts away for ya. Why don'tcha just eat for now, yeah?"

Donnie sighed again. "Yeah, okay. Thanks for the food." Donnie started eating a bit, feeling sluggish. It was only around one in the afternoon and he was ready to call it a day. The thoughts gnawing away at him were bothering him so much... he just wanted to talk about it already. But it seemed like he had told everyone and he was worried about worrying or annoying them with his insecurities and guilt. Everyone had heard about it for the past 3 months, except the person who he needed to talk to. He wanted to talk about it, but he didn't want to bother anyone or make them worry about him when Leo needed the most attention. As he was thinking about all these things, time had passed, and he had already ate his eggs. He didn't feel time fly by until someone touched his arm. He jerked a bit, his eyes falling on April. "Whoa, when did you get here?"

"How long have you been here?" April asked.

"I thought you were making the splint with Casey?"

"We finished that an hour ago, Donnie. It's almost four in the afternoon."

"It's only around 1, April." April's nervous expression made him think again. "It's... I guess I lost track of time again."

April took a seat across from Donnie. "Donnie, I know your guilt and anxiety are taking control, but you need to try to reign some control and talk about how you feel. I get the general gist, but I don't know everything. You're holding back. Please, talk about it. It's now or never. I can tell that you want to talk about it now, so do it."

Donnie's guilt was yelling "you don't deserve to be heard, this is your fault, you deserve to feel bad, you did this to yourself, this is because of your stupid ego, you think you're smarter than everyone and look where you are now, she's only being nice, she doesn't really want to hear what's on your mind..."

But the torn expression on April's face spoke more to Donnie than his guilt. Donnie took in a deep breath. April was right. It was now or never.

"I... I feel responsible for everything that's happened these past few months. Us being defeated by the Kraang? My fault. Leo being separated from us? My fault. Us losing control of a situation we could have held on to? My fault. Leo being unconscious for three months? Leo being attacked by Shredder and his goons? Leo having to go through a recovery period physically, emotionally and mentally? All my fault. Raph barely leaving Leo's side for those three months? My fault. Mikey wondering if he'd ever get his brother back? You and Casey having to experience all of this? Us losing our home? Everything. Everything that's happened is my fault. If I had just stuck with Leo's plan... none of this would be happening. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust my judgements, my actions, my thoughts... I don't trust myself around any of you. Whatever I do just causes more pain."

April was at a loss for words. She didn't know how to react, how to comfort him- - could she even help him? He looked so defeated, so upset. Having those feelings pent up for so many months... she couldn't imagine how it must feel.

Donnie started to chuckle sadly. "And now you're freaked out. You probably regret asking me to open up." Donnie laughed a bit more, resting his head in his hands. "Same here. I should have just shut my mouth. I deserve all this punishment. I caused it in the first place."

April reached her hand out and gently enclosed it around Donnie's wrist. He didn't lower his arms from his face. "You don't deserve this, Donnie. This is the guilt and anxiety and sadness talking."

"No, this is _me_ talking. It's true; I deserve this pain."

"No you do not, do you hear me? You don't. Everything that's happened is not your fault. Shredder did this to Leo, not you. The Kraang had planned the attack for months. We couldn't have known how much armada they had gathered. We didn't know how elaborate their planning was. We couldn't have known everything. We all could have done things better, Donnie. We make mistakes, it's just nature. But what happened to Leo, what happened to New York- - that is not your fault. I know hearing all this won't magically cure you and won't make your bad feelings go away, but all I ask is that you try to keep it in mind. I know it's hard. But I'm glad you told me. I want to help in any way I can. If you pent this up any longer, who knows what would have happened."

Donnie didn't reply. He only drew out a long, shaky breath. Saying everything that he held back for so long should have been a weight lifted off his chest, but it felt as if nothing had changed at all. Sure, it felt good to tell someone, finally, but other than that... nothing. What good did it do him? It made April more worried. It wouldn't change anything that was going on. Nothing was going to magically change. But...

"...I'll try," Donnie said softly. Things took time. Nothing magically happened on this Earth. There was always steps to take before reaching an end result. If he was going to try to right his wrongs, he needed to step up and actually try to make progress. "I'm going to try."

"Letting it out is a great first step, Donnie. If you can do that, you can work up the courage to tell Leo. I know you can."

Donnie nodded a bit. It was going to take time, but now, it felt a little less impossible. "Thanks, April. Really."

Donnie heard April let out a little breath. He heard her slide her chair up. Her hand was off of his wrist now. She started to walk around the table, maybe to leave the kitchen. Instead, she placed a gentle peck on Donnie's cheek. "If you need me, I'll be in the living room, okay?" With that said, April left Donnie in the kitchen. He didn't feel the rush of gushy mushy feelings he'd usually feel if he had been given affection, but he felt... nice. For once, he felt nice and warm. He finally lowered his hands from his face, opening his eyes and looking around the kitchen. He was about to stand up when he saw Mikey in the corner of his eye, who looked like he was about to burst.

"Mikey? What's wrong?" Donnie asked.

Mikey rushed over to Donnie, throwing his arms over his brother and choking up a bit as he quickly said "I'ma try to do everything in my power to help you feel better you don't deserve to feel this way you're an awesome and smart dude you're a brother that anyone would be lucky to have we're lucky to have you in our lives you can get through this I will do anything if you want me to I will cook you anything you want I will- -"

Donnie's hands were back over his face. He felt embarrassed, yet it was nice kind of feeling. Being shown that people did genuinely care about him felt really nice. Donnie let Mikey say everything he wanted to and squeeze him as hard as he wanted to. He didn't care how long it took. The moment was... well, very nice.


	9. Phase 1: Opening Them Up | Leo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Leo opens up but man it's more upsetting than Donnie's so here's your warning, pal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Raph had been waiting outside the door for a while. He came when he told Leo he was going to come, but he heard his brother crying. Knowing Leo, he needed to have his time and let out everything while he could. If Raph went in now, Leo'd pent up all those feelings back up, making him feel worse. Raph waited for some minutes. He went downstairs and grabbed some glasses of water, then headed back up the stairs. He listened in again, trying to hear if Leo was still going at it or if he was done. After hearing silence for some time, Raph finally knocked lightly. "Hey, uh, I'm comin' in, alright?" Raph let himself in, gently closing the door behind him. Leo was in the same position as he was in when Raph had left him alone: turned towards the wall. "I got some more water if you want any." Leo nodded. "Is it cool if I sit?" Leo nodded. Raph set himself down on the lower corner of the bed. He looked over his brother, seeing how tense yet weak Leo looked. Raph sighed. "You wanna sit in silence? I'm okay with that if ya do."

Leo didn't initially reply at first. Raph took it as yes, he wanted silence, so Raph stopped talking. After some minutes, Leo laid back down on his carapace. Raph turned a bit to look at Leo better. Leo didn't bother trying to hide his red, puffy eyes. They both knew that Raph had heard him crying earlier and had waited.

"I'm sorry; I tried making it seem like I was gone, but I was worried." Leo shook his head, waving Raph off. Raph felt the cloth on Leo's forehead, content with how cold it still was. "A stupid question, but, how ya feelin'?"

"...it sounds dark, but I don't feel anything," Leo replied quietly. "I don't know." Leo reached for the blanket at the foot of the bed, grabbing it with Raph's help.

"Well, isn't that the feeling people get whenever they let out all their pent up feelings, though?"

Leo shrugged. "I wouldn't be surprised if it is." Leo draped the covers over himself, tucking some parts in.

"You're cold?"

"A little bit," Leo replied. "Can you hand me the hot towel?" Leo took off the cold cloth on his head. They exchanged towels. "Thanks."

It was quiet for a bit. "Do you wanna talk about whatever's botherin' ya?" Raph finally asked.

"...I think if I don't now, it'll be a while 'til I want to again, so sure."

"Alright, man, whenever you're ready."

Leo sighed, fixating his stare on the wooden floorboards. "I... I've been so stupid. If I hadn't had made such a stupid mistake, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know back in New York when Donnie and I were arguing about what to do about the invasion? I was so set on my idea- - I thought it was the best thing to do- - that I just ignored Donnie's idea and went my own way. If I had gone along with Donnie's plan... if I had helped you guys out, maybe we could have won. We could have defeated the Kraang. I wouldn't be on bed rest if I had listened to Donnie. Three months wouldn't have been wasted. I wouldn't have stupidly thought I could take out Shredder by myself only to be a major set back for the team and New York. We could be searching for Splinter now. We could be taking back our city. We could have won by now. I wouldn't have made you guys worry for such a long time. We wouldn't be stuck here waiting for me to get better if I had just listened to Donnie and go along with his plan. He had faith in me, and I let him down. I let you all down. This... this is all my fault."

Leo glanced over at Raph quickly, and he kind of wished he didn't. Raph was staring at the ground with a defeated look on his face. Had Raph been secretly blaming Leo? Leo looked back to the spot he had been staring at before.

"And now I have stupid nightmares. I'm like a scared kid. It feels so real. I wouldn't be having these nightmares if I didn't act so stupid. My physical state isn't helping. You think I'm worried about holding myself back? No. I'm worried about how far I've set back this team from making any progress. Now everyone's waiting on me hand and foot. Everyone pities me. Everyone's too worried about me that they don't look after themselves. I just... I wish I could go back and undo my mistake. I feel pathetic. I feel stupid and weak. I feel... hopeless. I just messed up everything. Why bother trying? Maybe this is my ultimate punishment for letting you all down. I wouldn't be surprised. I deserve to be punished for everything wrong I've done. It's better that I suffer rather than seeing any of you be put through any more pain. If I'm not feeling pain, I feel nothing. Pain's... the only feeling that stands out now."

Raph clenched his fists, lowering his head down. Leo closed his eyes, sighing and curling his body inward a bit. "Shit, man." Leo tensed up a bit. "That's dark."

Leo sighed, chuckling sardonically. "Probably."

"...is that how you actually feel?" Raph glanced at Leo, who just lamely shrugged. "...shit, dude. I mean..." Raph trailed off, not knowing where he was going. They were quiet for a while. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, but it felt like there were words hanging in the air, waiting to be said. But what were the words? What words could possibly be said after such a confession?

"...I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable or bummed you out or whatever. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. You can just go," Leo mumbled. A few seconds passed, and the corner of the bed where Raph sat eventually rose. Leo could hear Raph's weight on the floorboards. _'Guess he's going while he has the chance then,'_ Leo thought to himself. _'Probably the best.'_

" _Never_ say that again."

Leo opened his eyes a bit, looking up at Raph, who had his shell turned towards him and his fists clenched. "What?"

"Don't ever tell me to go away. I told you that no matter what, I'm gonna be by your side. Don't try to push me away. It won't work."

Raph sounded so angry and hurt. Leo slowly sat up. "I didn't want to make you feel more upset or worried than you already are- - I was giving you an out- -"

"I don't want an out- - I don't need one." Raph sharply turned to face Leo. His face looked... Leo couldn't describe it. "I don't care if you're talking about depressing shit, I don't care if you're not in the mood to talk. I told you that I'm gonna be by your side, and I meant it, Leo. I'm not gonna just go away. I don't care if you think I wanna leave, I don't care if you think you're hurting me. Your brain is lying to you. All that shit you're feeling and thinking? None of us blame you for what's happened. Did you dislocate your own knee? No, Shredder did. Did you attack New York? No, the Kraang did. Did you throw Splinter down the drain? No, Shredder did. None of us were ready for this. We got too cocky, thinking that we could singlehandedly stop an invasion on the spot. We all made mistakes, Leo, but we're not blaming each other. We're trying to do what we can. You're not stupid or pathetic or worthless or all those other things you think you are. We don't think you're holding us back. We aren't mad at you. We're fucking worried and care about you, you stupid head. You don't deserve to be punished or whatever. You don't deserve to suffer. And why does having a nightmare about a thing that's legit traumatized and scarred you stupid? You're trying to heal, and there's nothing wrong with that."

Leo stared at Raph for a minute. What Raph was saying was most likely right, but his mind... it just didn't connect. Leo appreciated the tough love- - shell, he needed it, honestly- - but it felt like nothing was going to be done right unless Leo magically healed or whatever. "I... I know you're right, but... I just don't believe it, Raph."

Raph took in a deep breath and sat back down at the corner of the bed. "Leo, why would I lie about something so serious. I don't get anything out of seeing you so upset and feeling so guilty about something that's not even your fault."

"I know, but... I just don't know."

Raph took another moment to breathe, trying to dismiss the tension in his body. "Look, Leo," Raph spoke softly. "I'm not stupid. I'm not over here thinking that saying a bunch of words is gonna instantly make you feel better and talk about this with Donnie. It'd be nice, but I know that's not how life works. Trying to heal, trying to cope, trying to forgive yourself... it's gonna take a bunch of time. That doesn't mean it's not worth trying. You've got us to help you. You're not alone in this. You're not the only one whose hurting. You see us hurting and you try your best to help us even though you're in worse shape. We're family, Leo. We help each other, we're there for each other no matter what, even if we're mad at each other or whatever. If any bit of you is telling you 'hey, I wanna get better, I wanna try,' listen to that. Try to. If you really wanna do something for us to 'make up' for whatever you're feeling guilty about, just try. I'm not sayin' it'll be easy. But we're here for you, man." Raph drew out a long sigh. "Shit. Sorry, I just heard myself and I sounded really harsh. I didn't mean to be."

"It's okay. I... I probably really needed it." Leo looked at his bum leg. Negative thoughts clouded his mind, but there was a bit of him yelling _'let's try.'_ Actually, it was a big bit. Leo took in a deep breath. He did want to make it up to everyone. "So... all you want me to do is try?"

"Yeah, dude. You won't get anywhere if you don't try. You tell us that all the time. Why dontcha try taking your own advice for once?"

Leo took a moment to think. "...okay. I'll try." Raph gave him a look. "Honest. I'll try my best, Raph. Promise."

Raph's blank expression eventually lifted with a small smile. "Glad to hear it, dork."


	10. This Is New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

April and Raph left Leo and Donnie alone, all four needing a moment to themselves after all that was said. April and Raph bumped into each other, and their eyes widened at the sight of each other. They both rushed outside and sped walked a good distance from the farmhouse so that no one could hear them. They were aching to tell each other what they had just been told.

"He told me," April said hurriedly.

"Me too," Raph replied quickly. "You first, you first."

"Okay," April breathed, running her hand through her hair. "It's way deeper than we thought. He feels like everything that's happened ever since the Kraang invasion is all his fault. He feels like if he had agreed with the other plan, that we wouldn't be in this situation right now and that we'd be back in New York, either fighting or having defeated the Kraang and restoring the city. He feels like it's his fault for all the pain we've felt, and how we're not out there saving the city and just worrying more. He just... he feels so hopeless. And he looks it, too. It's... it's so much to hold in. Any longer and... man, I don't know what'd happen if he held it in longer..."

Raph's heart felt as if someone had an extremely tight hold on it, making breathing feel like a workout. It was bad enough knowing one brother was feeling worthless and hopeless, but to hear that another brother was feeling the same exact way? It was just crushing him. He was at a loss for words. He stared down at the grass. "...well, crap."

April looked at Raph. He looked so hurt. "I know," she mumbled.

"That's... exactly how Leo feels, too."

"Really?" Raph looked up, holding her gaze as confirmation. She sighed. "Jeez, that's... that's horrible."

"And he feels stupid for havin' nightmares about his trauma. He said he isn't worried about himself, he's worried about setting us back and making us worry about him. Said he felt like he didn't deserve to be worried about. And he just," Raph paused, clearing his throat. "He said why even bother trying."

They both fell silent for a moment, as if they needed to once again take in everything that was said. To accept that it was real. "This is... we've dealt with a lot of things, but this is so much more different. I mean, they're spiraling into depression if they're not there yet. Those feelings might never go away."

"I know," Raph whispered, more to himself than to April. "I just... I hope somehow in the future, things look less grim for them, that they feel less... like how they do now."

"What should we do?"

"I don't know," Raph replied. "We gotta be patient with 'em. Do things at their pace. If we don't, they might feel like we're against 'em."

"They might need a push every not and then, though," April sighed. "This is going to be an... interesting process."

"Yeah, somethin' like that," Raph mumbled. "Let's head back in. Why dontcha bring the splint in, that way we don't gotta come back out here to get it for tomorrow."

"Sounds good," April replied. "Meet ya back in there." April headed for the barn, and Raph headed for the farmhouse. He walked in to see Mikey hugging Donnie from behind, a smile on both their faces. Raph let out a soft exhale as he smiled a bit at the display. He walked in the kitchen, grabbing his two brothers' attention.

"Don't choke him, Mikey," Raph said, half joking and half serious.

"I'm not," Mikey replied innocently, loosening his hold a bit.

Raph raised a brow and shifted his gaze to Donnie, who seemed amused. "Alright, but if I hear a squeak outta Donnie, you're next, Mikey."

Mikey immediately let go of Donnie, making Raph and Donnie laugh a bit. "Where's April?"

"She's grabbin' the splint she and Casey made and bringin' it in so that we don't gotta go out and get it tomorrow. Better to have it on hand." Donnie's amused smile faded a bit. Raph shuffled his feet a bit, trying to figure out how to get Donnie out of his funk. He walked over to the table, leaning down a bit and placing his hands on the table, looking directly at Donnie. "Hey, D." Donnie looked at Raph, a confused look on his face. "Listen man. Don't think that we're not thankful for everythin' you do for us. This team wouldn't be complete without you, okay?" Raph lifted a hand and placed it on Donnie's shoulder, giving him a gentle squeeze. "Why dontcha go tinker with some stuff in the barn? Gives ya somethin' to do, and fidgeting with stuff sometimes takes your mind off of things that bother ya, yeah?"

The idea did intrigue Donnie. He really wanted to do something to distract him, and doing hands-on things usually did help ease his mind. "But I told Leo after I ate that I'd go back up and check up on him- -"

"I did that already. You were down here for a while, so to ease your nerves, I went and checked on him myself."

"How is he?"

"He's managing. Don't worry, D. I changed his towel, gave him what he needed, and he isn't feelin' too much pain anymore. I think he just needs some chill time. And so do you. You've been workin' your shell off, you deserve some down time to do whatever you like. There's a house full of other people to check on him. He's safe."

Donnie shifted his gaze elsewhere, still unsure if he should go to the barn. The pain Leo was going through was his fault, and- -

"Bro, everyone needs a break now and then. Go take yours. Even if ya don't think you need or deserve one, we're gonna make you take a break anyways," Mikey said, interrupting Donnie's dark thought. "Trust us; we've got this. Go, dude."

Donnie looked between his two brothers. He knew that they were going to make him take a break no matter what, that was for sure. He sighed, smiling a bit. "Okay. You guys win. But if you need me, you know where I'll be, okay?"

"We know," Mikey and Raph said in unison. Donnie let out a soft breath, finally standing up and heading out of the kitchen. He looked up at the stairs for a moment. "Go, Donnie." Mikey and Raph said sternly but with care. Donnie smiled again, nodding and heading out of the door. They watched him leave, and Raph turned to Mikey.

"Mikey, I got somethin' for ya to do, okay? It's important."

Mikey widened his eyes a bit, nodding. "Lay it on me, bro."


	11. Kraang-Breath and Puck-Mouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"What are you doing?"

Casey turned around to see Donnie. "Oh, hey, dude. Nothin' much, just messin' with stuff. What are you doin'?"

"I.. came to do the same."

Casey smiled a bit. "Alright, sounds good. You want me outta here?"

"Whatever you do is fine with me," Donnie replied. "I'm just going to be mindlessly assembling things."

"Ya wanna mindlessly assemble things together?" Casey asked. Donnie raised a brow at him. "Ya never know, dude, it could be fun. With our two brains together, we might think of crazy, stupid things that turn out somewhat okay, or at least give us a laugh. Whaddya say?"

Donnie rolled his eyes and huffed a bit, crossing his arms. He thought about it for a few seconds. "...what's the worst that could happen? Let's do it."

Casey grinned, a cheeky look on his face now. "Let's."

Donnie walked over to the desk with the dimly lit lamp, looking over Casey's shoulder and trying to see what Casey had conjured up. He saw a bunch of things laid out, but nothing assembled. Donnie raised a brow. "You really were just messing with stuff."

Casey shrugged. "What, you think me, Casey Jones, would lie?" Donnie gave him a playful scowl, making Casey laugh. "I couldn't really think of anythin' to make. I'm just tryna pass the time, man."

"You're telling me," Donnie sighed. "You have any big ideas you wanna try?"

"...actually, yeah," Casey replied, sounding a bit enthusiastic. "Might sound like a lot, but I figured since we've got a car in here, I could fix it up, work out the kinks, do test runs, and make the baby a great racing car. Or y'know, another car to run errands or whatever. The van's a gas guzzler, man, and we aren't exactly rollin' in dough. Fixin' somethin' that's broken'll be tough and frustratin', but I know it'd pay off super well." He finally looked up to see Donnie's reaction, only to reel back a bit as he saw a strange look on Donnie's face. "B-but that's just a really out there suggestion, I'm not sayin' that w- -"

"- -we should do it," Donnie interrupted. "That's a great idea, Casey, we should do it. I-I mean, you should do it. It's your project, and it sounds awesome."

Casey gave Donnie a look. "...you're gonna help, yeah?"

"If you want me to, I'd be glad to."

Casey looked at Donnie for a few seconds. Those few seconds felt like an intense century for Donnie. Finally, Casey broke eye contact and looked to the car, a happy look on his face. "Alrighty, man, let's see what we're dealin' with." They both walked to the beat-up car. They opened the hood, looked under the car, looked at the interior... there seemed to be an endless list of things they needed to fix. "At least it'll be a time killer."

"Some of the things that need to be fixed would be fixed when we fix one thing- -" Donnie glanced at Casey, who looked a bit confused. "Sorry- - some of the functions are connected. If we fix one thing, it could kinda help fix some other things, and it'd make things less complicated. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, yeah," Casey replied, a little pep in his voice. "You're right, D. This ain't as hard as I made it seem. When we're done with this baby, she'll be a sight for sore eyes."

"Aw, true love at its finest," Donnie joked, placing a hand over his heart. "What's her name?"

"No, no," Casey cut off. "She can't be named until I know I'm fully committed. When I know I am, I'll let ya know. For now, we'll call her... Angel."

Donnie stifled a laugh, rolling his eyes. "Classy, Jones."

"Whatever, man," Casey jokingly growled, shoving Donnie playfully as he walked to the desk. "What should we work on first? The engine, under, interior, pedals..."

"Everything starts with the engine, so let's go engine."

"Good deal," Casey said, grabbing different tools and shoving them into a tool box. Once he had a firm grip on the tool box, he carried it to the car, setting it aside. "Let's look at what we needa fix first, yeah?" Donnie nodded, and they both took a good look over the engine. "...definitely needs a new battery, uhhh, looks like we need new coolant... we do gotta check the ignition whenever we get a new battery..."

The words from Casey started to fade, and before he knew it, Donnie had zoned out. He was lost in his thoughts now. He wasn't even sure why he had zoned out, it just... happened. Random, intrusive thoughts that had been popping into his head for the past couple of months started blaring inside his mind. _'Everyone hates you.' 'Everyone blames you.' 'They're just saying those things to be nice, they don't really care about you.' 'If you won't give them the time of day, what makes you think they'd try to check up on how you're doing?' 'If you didn't have such a big ego, everything would be okay.' 'You think you're so smart- - you're a dumb piece of shit.' 'Look where your decision led everyone- - it's your fault and you know it.'_ There was a point in time where Donnie would try to deflect the thoughts, but trying to deflect them just made him think more about them. Either way, they were going to be in his head. He thought, _'might as well just let it happen rather than trying to look at things any other way.'_ People were telling him that there will be bright times, but he wondered how long he would have to wait for those times to come again.

Casey looked over the engine again, trying to pinpoint other things to work on. Feeling lost, he glanced over at Donnie, about to ask if there was anything that he looked over, when he saw that Donnie seemed to be out of it. Casey straightened his back and felt a little unsure of what he was about to do. He set aside his uneasy feeling and clasped his hand on Donnie's shoulder, snapping Donnie out of it. Donnie quickly looked over to Casey, who had a confused look on his face. Not exactly confused... it was something different, but Donnie couldn't find the words to describe it.

"You needa talk about it?" Casey asked. This surprised Donnie- - mainly he wondered could Casey tell what was wrong? He wouldn't be surprised if Casey had some idea of what was going on with Donnie. It was only them in the outskirts, after all. "Yo, D. Do you wanna talk about it?"

"...I don't know," Donnie replied. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make it all about me."

Casey slid his hand off of Donnie's shoulder, bringing it up to cross over his chest along with his other arm. "Don't be sorry for how you're feeling. Look, if you're not feelin' it, we can always do this another time. Do ya want me to go?"

"N-no," Donnie replied hastily. "I feel like I've talked about myself too much today, so, no I don't wanna talk about it. But, uh, thanks for offering."

Casey watched as Donnie trudged to the desk on the other side of the barn, sitting down and slumping into the chair. Casey had his fair share of internal struggle, so seeing someone else go through it... he wanted to try to help. Casey grabbed the top of the hood and slammed it down, grabbing Donnie's attention. Casey hopped on top of the hood and sat, looking at Donnie. "I've had some days where things were really bothering me, but I didn't wanna be a downer or whatever and kept it in. Lemme tell ya right now, D, that... never ends well. Exploding isn't fun. If somethin's botherin' ya, out with it. If ya don't wanna tell me, tell someone."

Donnie looked at Casey for a moment, sighing and spinning the chair around to face Casey. "It's dumb. I feel like everything- - how everything went down back home- - is my fault. I was stupid and wasn't open-minded, and now we've kinda lost everything. We're stuck out here, helpless. New York is probably gone by now, and it'd be all my fault. I just feel like I... I really messed up this time, Case."

Casey lowered his head, sliding his fingers into his hair. "D, we can't change what happened, even though we really want to. I can't sit here and tell you that how you're feeling is gonna magically go away and whatever, 'cause it won't. It's gonna take time, dude. But we're all in the same boat. We all blame ourselves for somethin'." Donnie looked at Casey with disbelief. "Ya don't believe me?"

"You didn't do anything wrong. You, April, Raph, Mikey, Leo- - none of you messed up. It was all me."

Casey snatched off his trademark bandana, gripping it tightly in his hand. "That's how you see it. Everyone looks at somethin' different." Casey sighed loudly, sounding a bit exasperated. Donnie thought Casey was already annoyed of hearing about Donnie's woes and was about to apologize when Casey suddenly mumbled "if you tell anyone else what I'm about to tell you, I'm gonna put another gap in your mouth." Donnie was confused but intrigued. Casey slid off of the hood of the car, starting to pace around a bit. "I keep thinkin' about what went down. We weren't ready for that sudden invasion. But that's not what I'm mad at myself about. I'm mad that I took so long to go check on my family. I know that we were all making plans to fight back, but I... I shoulda called. I shoulda went by and checked on 'em. I shoulda done somethin' to see where they were, if they were okay way earlier than I did. Now 'cause I took so long to do that, I don't know where they are. They could be mutated freaks. They could be trapped somewhere. They might be hiding somewhere and worrying about me. They might be..." Casey paused, trying to get the strain out of his voice. "...they could be dead, D. They could be dead, and it'd be my fault. A simple phone call coulda saved them. I don't know what happened to 'em, and it's my lagging stupid ass fault." Casey faced the hood of the car and slammed his fist down onto it. His fist immediately started aching, and there were some indention marks on the hood, so he knew he was really gonna feel the pain later. "Shit."

Donnie didn't know what to say. He had been so worried about his own troubles that he failed to notice that Casey had his own inner demons. What if he had failed to notice the others' struggles? Was he that self-pretentious that he ignored everyone else who needed help? By how strained and angry Casey sounded, it seemed like he had been holding that in for a long time. Had he ever talked about it with anyone?

Casey took in a deep breath, tightly wrapping his bandana around his hand and turning to face Donnie again. "My point is, we all made mistakes. We all wanna go back in time and change what happened, but we can't do that. We gotta be there for each other- - look after ourselves. Life ain't easy, D. We had to learn that the hard way. But with all the bull crap we've had to deal with, I'm sure as hell, when we're ready, we'll get our home back. We gotta keep goin' forward if we wanna do somethin'. I'm not gonna tell ya some cheesy crap, I'ma be real with you. It's gonna be hard to try to be less hard on yourself. It's gonna be hard to try to forgive yourself. You're gonna have those thoughts creep back up on ya every now and then. But if you just sit here and do nothin', nothin's gonna change. All ya can do is try and give it your all. There's no guarantee that the way you're feelin' is ever gonna go away, but just letting it consume you won't help. You wanna try to right the wrongs you think you did? Do something about 'em."

Casey walked up to Donnie, slapping his hand on Donnie's shoulder, a loud smack echoing throughout the barn. "Just remember, dude: you ain't alone. You got us. Ya got me. I'm not givin' up. They're not givin' up. Whaddya say? Wanna take back our home?"

Donnie looked down at Casey's hand on his shoulder for a moment, then up at Casey. Casey had an intense but hopeful look in his eyes. Casey was carrying such a heavy burden, but he was still determined to go forward. He might not have the exact same fighting spirit as Casey, but he thought, _'maybe I could get there. It might take time, but I can get there.'_ Donnie stood up from his chair, slapping a hand on top of one of Casey's shoulders. "Let's."


	12. Sap's Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Leo felt drained and weak in every aspect possible after everything he had endured and confessed. Mostly numb, but there was the weak feeling lingering around. He wanted to sleep so he wouldn't have to think anymore, but no matter how badly he wanted to and how heavy his eyes felt, his mind just wouldn't follow the command. He just laid on his side, facing the wall, waiting for sleep to come. He remembered that sleep meant a potential nightmare, but being awake and waiting for the day to end was just too long of a wait, he'd rather face a nightmare. He was just waiting for something to happen, he guessed. It felt like time possibly couldn't go by slower than it was, but if it could, he wouldn't be surprised. He heard a light tapping come from behind him. He didn't hear it for a bit again, so he ignored it, but the tapping returned, a little more louder this time. He turned around just enough to turn his head and look behind him.

"Sorry, did I wake you, bro?"

"N-no," Leo replied quietly. "Sorry, I didn't hear you come in."

"You're good, dude. Ya care if I sit?" Leo shook his head, watching as Mikey timidly went towards the bed and sat on the edge. "I wanna show ya somethin', if you're okay with that. I dunno if you're in the mood to or not, but if you're not, I can show ya later, no prob."

Leo carefully turned onto his carapace and slowly sat up. "What is it?"

Mikey slid himself from the edge of the bed to Leo's side, leaning on the headrest and pulling out his T-Phone. He opened up his gallery, looking for something. As he searched for the particular something, Leo caught glimpses of pictures that Mikey had taken over the past couple of months of them at the farmhouse. Some pictures were of Mikey posing with some of the chickens- - some were blurry as a chicken tried going away and Mikey trying to get it to stay, or of the chicken attempting to peck at Mikey and Mikey trying to avoid it. Leo smiled a bit. There were pictures of Casey and Donnie seemingly arguing about something, with April and Raph just rolling their eyes in the background. There were pictures of Raph that looked to be of him telling the two teens to maybe 'knock it off' and them looking flustered as April laughed in the background. There was a short video after that picture, and another picture following the short video of Raph looking flustered and everyone else laughing.

Curious, Leo quietly asked "wait, what's that?"

Mikey stopped scrolling, looking at Leo. "Which one?" Leo pointed to the short video, and Mikey immediately snickered a bit. "That's a great one. Okay so lemme tell ya what happened. Donnie and Casey were arguing and whatever, and Raph was gettin' tired of it, so he went up to them and was like, 'could you two be more annoying? Stop fighting and say you're sorry or whatever, fighting doesn't help anything,' blah blah blah. April and I laughed, 'cause Casey and Donnie looked embarrassed being lectured. It was funny, y'know? And I said somethin' I kinda regret- - but not really, if I'm bein' honest- - about Raph, and- -" Mikey stopped to laugh a little bit. "I said, 'you guys better listen to Dada Raph, he's serious' and that's the picture of everyone laughin' and Raph lookin' kinda mad. Here, I'll play it." Mikey tried to control his laughing even before he played the video, turning it all the way up. Wouldn't he know it, how Mikey described it is how it played out, but seeing and hearing the actual scenario go down was more amusing than the description. Leo fully smiled and chuckled a bit. "I know it's not that funny, but it was stupid funny, if that makes sense."

"Anytime Raph looks embarrassed, it's funny," Leo replied, still chuckling a bit. "You should send that video to my T-Phone."

"Sure thing, bro! Right after I find the thing..." Mikey clicked out of the video and continued scrolling, carefully looking at every video. "Where is it?" He mumbled to himself. There were pictures of Ice Cream Kitty, there were random and somewhat sneak-up pictures of the others, and there were some pictures of the nature outside that were taken pretty well. "...finally! Found it." Mikey clicked on a video. "Okay, so whenever we could pull Raph outta the house, he'd have us do sparring and stuff, sometimes made us play turtle hunt. I was wondering if you could tell me what I could improve on and whatever? It's been in the back of my head forever, and even though I know that I've probably done so much better since then, there's this dark cloud in my head that's telling me that I haven't. I dunno how to explain it... anyways, the others told me some stuff, but I wanted to hear from you, since you know about a lot of ninja stuff and you're smart and our leader. Your opinions are important to me."

Leo thought that given the condition he was currently in that he had no place to tell Mikey if he needed to improve on anything or not. Mikey was doing far better than he was in every aspect- - why would he need his opinion? And all the nice things Mikey said about him, he didn't think were true.

"I-I'm sure that whatever the others told you is all you need to focus on," Leo replied hesitantly. "I'm sure you're doing great, Mikey. Besides, it seems like that was months ago."

"I know, but I wanna hear from you, dude. You're really good in training and in real missions and stuff- - I don't care if it's harsh or whatever. Can ya at least just look at it?"

Leo glanced at Mikey, then looked back down at the screen. He sighed a bit. He wasn't going to let his thoughts get in the way of things for as long as he could. "...alright, play it." Mikey nodded and played the video, both of them falling silent. Leo watched Mikey carefully in the video. Whenever there was something he thought seemed iffy, he asked Mikey to go back a couple of seconds. Leo found his focus shifting on the others in the video, noticing things about how they performed, and before he knew it, the video was over.

Mikey looked up at Leo. "So... you look like you got a lot to say," Mikey said, sounding a bit nervous. "Don't hold back, dude."

Leo really didn't feel like he was in the right to speak his mind. But Mikey wanted to hear his thoughts, so he took a minute to collect his thoughts. "...honestly, not everyone was performing the best they could in that situation."

"What do you mean?"

"I-I mean," Leo felt a little anxious as he spoke, trying to calm down. "I'm sure you all tried your best, it just... looks like none of you were fully into it. Like, your body language and execution looks insincere from how you all would usually do in training. I don't know if it makes sense, but it looks like none of your hearts went into it. Honestly, it looked kind of rushed and did on purpose just to get the training over with. Did something happen that day?"

Mikey exited the video and looked at his gallery. "...I mean, around then, it was the first couple of days we came to the farmhouse."

"Training was probably the last thing on your minds, and from everything you guys did during the invasion, you all probably needed a break in every way possible. Throwing yourselves into training could have waited until you felt better than before and that you could give your all. That applies to training and actually fighting. You have to give it your all. A lot has happened since then. That was just an off time for everyone, so don't focus on one bad session. I know that you've shown what you can really do since then, Mikey. Just remember that there's no shame in giving yourself a break if you need one, especially after all you've been through."

Mikey was quiet for a moment. He then suddenly rested his head on Leo's shoulder. "Thanks dude, I didn't know I needed to hear that 'til ya said it."

Leo glanced down at Mikey. Knowing that he made Mikey feel less bad, despite everything that's happened, made him feel less bad himself. "I'm always here for you, Mikey, don't forget that."

Mikey only showed a small smile, but it was a warm one. "You're a great brother, y'know." Leo didn't reply to that. "And ya should take your own advice."

"What do you mean?"

"You're goin' through a lot- - cut yourself some slack. You need it. The last thing anyone wants is for you to push yourself to the brink. We're here for ya, don't forget that."

Leo was at a loss for words. Whatever he was going to say would probably be self-deprecating, so he thought it was best that it was forgotten. He didn't want to drag down Mikey just because of his negative thoughts. He played what Mikey had just said in his head, trying to register it. ' _Yeah, I'm going through a lot, but I brought it upon myself, so do I actually deserve a break?'_ Leo thought to himself.

"Leo."

Leo snapped out of his thoughts and glanced down at Mikey, who wasn't looking at him. He had a slight pout on his face, and he looked both stern and hurt.

"...stop overthinking." Leo tensed up a bit. How did Mikey... "Just for a couple of seconds. Hear me out, alright? I know that you're not feeling good about yourself. I know you're being hard on yourself for whatever went down back home. I know you think everything's your fault. Listen, dude, none of us think that it's your fault. It's no one's fault. We can't change what happened..." Mikey paused as he choked up a bit. "...but we can't give up. We can go back and drive all the Kraang out when we're ready. It's okay to be sad. We're all sad. But just try to remember, that no matter how far being happy again seems, you will be happy again. You just gotta hang on, bro. Nothing can change if ya don't try. Just try. You've got us to help if you want help. You're not alone, okay? People love ya- - we love ya. And I know that sometimes, even family and friends aren't enough, or ya don't wanna reach out because ya don't wanna upset us. But we're always here for ya, bro. We've got your back. We look up to ya. I look up to ya. If we can help in some way, we will help you, dude."

"...what are you saying?"

"I... I'm sayin', take care of yourself, dude. I know everything looks and feels like there's no hope, but there is. It might not feel like it for you now, but there is. Just try to take care of yourself. And I'm not talkin' just physical wise, I'm talkin' mental and emotional wise, too." Mikey wrapped his arms around the arm of Leo's that he was leaning against. "There's gonna be setbacks, but that doesn't mean that there won't be new opportunities waitin' for ya. Try as best as ya can."

They both fell silent for a long while. It wasn't an awkward silence, but it felt like there were words hanging in the air, waiting to be said. Leo suddenly cleared his throat a bit and sighed softly. "Thanks, Mikey. I'll... try my best."

Mikey looked up at Leo, giving Leo a small smile. "Alright, sap's over," Mikey announced, making Leo chuckle a bit. "Ya wanna watch some of the other videos I took?"

"Sure," Leo replied.

"Here," Mikey handed his T-Phone to Leo. "You can choose the videos."

Leo scrolled all the way to the bottom, wanting to try to watch all the videos Mikey had. He clicked the first one, which was just him and Ice Cream Kitty seemingly solving a late night mystery together. There were some sneak-up prank videos, which were always amusing. There were some videos of Mikey setting up the camera and playing some music, recording the dance routine he had created for the song. Leo liked those a lot. There were so many videos played to the point the stars finally caught Leo's attention from his peripheral view and he realized how long he'd been watching videos. Leo shook his head to himself and smiled a bit.

"I can't believe how long we've been watching these vi- -" Leo stopped mid-sentence as he saw that his brother had fallen asleep. Not wanting to wake his brother, he didn't bother finishing the sentence. Leo slowly reached for the edge of the blanket draped around his waist and lifted it up carefully, draping some over Mikey and making sure that he couldn't get cold. Leo continued watching videos since he wasn't feeling tired. Eventually, though, he watched so many to the point where his eyes started going heavy even though he still wasn't sleepy. His eyes fluttered shut, and trying to keep them open was an effort Leo felt was useless, so he kept his eyes closed and listened to the audio. He thought he would stay awake to the audio, but he quickly fell asleep. Before he could reach the REM stage of sleep, he thought to himself, ' _not a bad way to end the day.'_


	13. Try As He Might...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"Where were you guys?"

Donnie and Casey swiftly turned their heads, following the stern and concerned sounding voice as they walked through the front door. They saw Raph and April with blank... yet somewhat unamused... expressions on their faces, their arms crossed across their chests as they stood in front of the kitchen doorway. Mikey peeked his head around the corner, lifting up a spatula in hand and waving it a bit to say hello before he disappeared and went back to cooking.

"We were in the barn, what's the big whoop?" Casey asked, confused.

"You weren't when we went and checked," April replied.

Donnie and Casey looked at the two teens in front of them again. Why were they being... snappy?

"I slept in the beat up car that's in there and D fell asleep in the van."

"And that's all?" Raph questioned.

"What's going on?" Donnie asked instead of answering Raph's question. "You two are kind of acting crabby."

Raph and April glanced at each other for a moment, then they both sighed. April looked at them, her expression softening a bit. "We're sorry. It's just that we heard a strange noise earlier and when we went to go grab you two, we didn't see either of you. We thought you two went alone to go check out the noise, but when we called you, neither of you answered. We got worried and looked around for a while, and just got back to think of a plan. We've been up for a while."

"Is everything okay?" Donnie asked quickly.

"Everything's fine," Raph responded. "I guess it was just a false alarm or somethin', 'cause when we looked around, we didn't see or hear anything outta place. Sorry for snappin', we were just scramblin' around while we were worried outta our shells."

"It's chill," Casey replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry for freakin' you guys out. Our phones died last night and we forgot to charge 'em, so that's why we didn't get any calls or anything like that. I'll go charge 'em now." Casey looked at Donnie, holding his hand out. Donnie pulled out his T-Phone and placed it in Casey's hand, thanking Casey as he went to go charge both their phones.

"What's the time?" Donnie asked as he headed for the stairs.

"Think it's around 2," Raph replied. "Mikey's makin' food so come back down whenever ya finish washin' up."

"Okay, Dada Raph," Donnie joked as he went up the stairs, picking up the pace a bit as he heard Raph grumble a bit while April and Mikey giggled. It didn't take him long to freshen up, so he quickly went back downstairs as he felt his stomach grumble. Was he really that hungry when he had just woken up not even a while ago? He went to the table, taking a seat and waiting for the food to be done. "What are you making anyways, Mikey?"

"I'm not really making anything," Mikey replied. "Just boiling potatoes."

Donnie raised a brow. "No eggs this time?"

"Nah, I just made one for myself then pulled out some potatoes. Thought we should change it up a bit."

"Okay, so why are you boiling potatoes?"

Mikey chuckled a bit. "Asking a lotta questions, D. We're gonna have spuds, with all the... they call it 'fixin's' I think?... and whatever else you guys want on it."

"That actually sounds pretty great right now. How long until they're ready?"

"Not too much longer. Maybe like 5 minutes?" Mikey looked into the pot with the potatoes inside of it. "You mind handing me some plates so that I have something to set them on whenever they're done?"

"Sure." Donnie got up from his seat and went to a cupboard, opening one of its doors and pulling out some plates. He closed the cupboard and decided to grab utensils so that it'd be handled now rather than later. He set down the plates and set them out so that it'd be easier for Mikey, then went back to the table, setting a set of utensils to each seat. "Is this what being a server feels like?"

"Maybe, except they have to deal with a buncha more things. You're lucky this is just a one time thing," Mikey replied. "I think the potatoes are done now, actually. Wanna tell the others? They're in the livin- -"

"We heard food is ready?" Casey barged in, with April and Raph in tow behind him. "Casey Jones is gonna destroy this lunch." Casey plopped onto a seat, a ready look on his face.

"You weren't kiddin'," Raph mumbled, grabbing a seat and pulling it out for April. April thanked him and sat down. "I'm grabbin' some juice, do you guys want a drink?"

"Give me your finest, aged wine, sir," Casey joked as he used a posh voice. "Perhaps a merlot. Make that two glasses- - the lady would appreciate one, I'm sure." April chuckled a bit, rolling her eyes.

Raph breathed out a bit, looking at Casey. "I'm sorry, sir, I regret to inform you that we do not serve alcohol at O'Neil's Diner. My co-worker Donatello can tell you what selection of drinks we have readily available."

Donnie felt a little anxious- - would his bad thoughts ruin his chances of playing along? Would his anxiety suddenly flare up? He remembered what they had told him to do- - to try. He took a deep breath, deciding to do just that. "It'd be my pleasure, thank you, Raphael. We have apple and orange juice, water, and a hefty selection of sodas, such as some with cherry flavoring, lemon-lime, grape, orange, and even blue raspberry."

"Unfortunate that you have no alcohol here," April sighed mockingly. "Fine. I suppose orange juice will have to suffice, thank you."

"And for you, sir?" Donnie asked, grabbing at the paper towel roll on the table and ripping two pieces off and draping it over his arm. Seeing that playing along hadn't backfired on him made him feel good, and a smile appeared on his face.

"I will have your lemon-lime soda, thank you much."

"Certainly! Raphael will bring that out to you in one moment." They all shared a laugh as Raph opened the fridge and pulled out whatever everyone wanted. "Mikey, you want anything?"

"I will have sparkling water only and that is that," Mikey replied, jokingly yelling. "If there is no sparkling water, I will have a word with your manager."

Raph chuckled and rolled his eyes, about to say that they had none when he saw a glass bottle of sparkling water in one of the fridge shelves. When did they get sparkling water? Raph made a little 'hmm' sound and pulled out the bottle and shut the fridge door. Raph grabbed some cups that were nearby and started pouring the drinks just as Mikey turned off the fire on the stove and pulled out some tongs from a drawer. Raph put everything that needed to be put away back in the fridge, then grabbed the cups and gave everyone their drinks. "Your food is almost ready- - what would you like with your spuds?"

"Butter, cheese and bacon bits," Casey replied.

"Butter and sour cream for me, please," April said.

"Sour cream and cheese only," Donnie urged.

"I will tell the chef," Raph replied, going to Mikey and whispering what they wanted.

"Do they want it on the potatoes or on the side?" Mikey whispered back.

"Asking the real questions, bro," Raph replied quietly before turning to face the table of teens. "Would you like that on your potatoes or on the side?"

"On the side," the three replied in unison. Raph chuckled and went to the fridge, pulling out what they needed. He closed it and grabbed two spoons- - one for the butter and one for the sour cream- - watching as Mikey started carefully pulling potatoes out of the pot and placing one on each plate. Sometimes, little blobs of water would fall on Mikey's legs, so they'd hear little 'ouch's or hisses here and there. Raph bumped his shoulder to Mikey, getting his brother's attention. "Lemme do it. You can cut them open and put whatever they want on their plates."

Mikey nodded, smiling gently as he passed the tongs to Raph. "Careful, the steam is pretty hot." Mikey let Raph handle the potatoes and went to grab a butter knife. He carefully sliced open each of the potatoes, making sure to flinch his hands back whenever the steam rose from the potatoes as he opened them. Once everything was finally prepared, Mikey and Raph served the potatoes to their 'customers,' made their own potatoes, sat down and started eating along with the others. They kept joking as they ate. Casey and April would comment on how their food was whenever they took a bite, sometimes ensuing fake arguments with the 'servers and cook,' sometimes paying compliments and apologizing for their behavior. For what seemed like a long while since, they were all enjoying the moment- - no bad thoughts were able to ruin it.

* * *

Seeing and hearing them all laugh... seeing them enjoy themselves and genuinely having a good time...

Leo had been glued to the staircase since they started playing restaurant. He didn't want to stop them from having fun and telling them he had another nightmare. It had been so long since he heard and seen everyone play around and enjoy their time- - he didn't want to ruin it. It was a bittersweet moment. Seeing them happy and goofing around brought him joy- - something he hasn't felt in a while- - but the fact that he thought he couldn't join in and play along and have everyone still genuinely having a good time brought aches to his heart. Finally, the aches told him to just go and leave them be- - to go wallow in pity alone, like he should have been doing anyways. He climbed the staircase quietly, once again letting his negative thoughts win over the thoughts that were trying to remind him of all the things his loved ones would have wanted him to do- - to try.


	14. Phase 2: Talking To Each Other Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought
> 
> **I do advise a tw for both anxiety and depression**

They all finally finished their food after what seemed like forever. Not that it was a bad thing- - it was a good kind of forever. It wasn't until they finished and had started putting their plates and utensils away that Donnie fully acknowledged and noticed the empty seat that had been unoccupied the entire time, with utensils in front of it that hadn't been touched once. Donnie scanned the room... _'Me, Casey, Mikey, Raph, April...'_ Donnie sucked in a breath a bit too sharply and quickly as it clicked- - Leo wasn't present. Why did it take him so long to notice that one of his brothers weren't in the room? He had been so sucked in on the feeling of having a good time that he had forgot about his brother, whom he had lay unimaginable pain onto. He did his best to seem like nothing was bothering him until Casey, April and Raph had finally left the kitchen to go to the living room. Donnie stood up from the table, collecting the cups and setting them in the sink. He glanced at the stove, noticing that there was a lone potato on a plate set next to it.

"Hey, uh, who's that potato for?" Donnie asked as Mikey set some sides onto the plate.

Mikey glanced at Donnie. "Hm? Oh, it's for Leo. Why? Do you want another one?"

"No, I'm okay," Donnie replied. "I-I can take that up for you, if you want. I was about to head up there anyways."

"Ya sure? I can do it no problem- -"

"I'm sure. Besides, didn't April want to play against you in the video game? Don't want to keep her waiting."

Mikey noticed that Donnie seemed a bit skittish, trying to take the potato off of Mikey's hands. _'He probably wants to check on Leo real bad... man, is he feeling bad? It seemed like he was really having a good time though... I should let him do this- - if I don't, he might get mad or think that I think that he shouldn't go near Leo...'_ Mikey let out a soft exhale, plastering a smile on his face. "Thanks, Donnie. Make sure ya bring him some water, too."

Donnie felt some tension leave his body for a slight couple of seconds, then remembered that he was about to face the brother he had brought so much pain unto... what was he thinking?! _'Well, Donatello, there's no backing out now... if you do, Mikey will definitely know how you're feeling...'_ Donnie took the plate from Mikey and nodded, giving his brother a smile. "Sure thing. Have fun, and don't cry too much if April kicks your shell."

Mikey let out a single chuckle. "Yeah, I'll try!" Mikey headed for the hallway. He stopped and peered back one last time, watching as Donnie started getting water for Leo. Mikey's brows knitted together as he turned back around and left the kitchen. Donnie finished pouring water into the cup and took a minute to collect himself. He was going to have to check on Leo and try to not annoy or upset his brother while putting on the- -

 _'The splint!'_ Donnie groaned in his mind. _'I bet he's not even remotely recovered from the pain yesterday- - now I have to put him through more pain? Shell, if he doesn't hate me now, he definitely will after this... but it's to improve his health...'_ Donnie sighed to himself. _'Just get it over with, Donnie. No point postponing the inevitable.'_ Donnie headed for where they placed the splint, then carefully approached the door to the room Leo was in. "Leo? It's Donnie- - I'm, uh, coming in, okay?" Donnie raised a leg and used his foot to open the door, his eyes glued to the floor. "I brought you some food and water- -" Donnie looked up finally and saw that Leo had a pained expression on his face. He immediately became worried. "Leo, what's wrong?" Donnie rushed to Leo's side, setting the water and plate of food on the bedside table while setting the splint on the floor.

"I'm fine," Leo immediately replied instead of answering the question.

"I didn't ask if you were fine, Leo- - I'm asking what's wrong."

Leo, previously looking at his knee, now looked up at Donnie, a strange look on his face. It looked like a mix of shock and... childlike innocence. _'...he just yelled at me...'_ Leo thought to himself. _'...great, I pissed off Donnie. What else could I do to make him hate me more? You're such an idiot, Leo- - you should've just answered his question instead of pissing him off! Everything I do just makes things worse- - there's no way he's not wanting to just march right out of the room and leave me to suffer alone- - I wouldn't even blame him. I don't deserve his help.'_

Donnie was confused. "What?" Donnie heard himself and knew what was with the strange look on Leo's face- - "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to sound so harsh, I'm just worried. I'm sorry. What happened?" Donnie lowered and tried to soften his voice. Leo's expression still hadn't changed... _'Shit, I made him feel bad- - why did I have to yell at him? He's suffering because of me and I yell at him? He's probably going to hate me forever at this rate...'_ Donnie sighed, closing his eyes.

 _'He just sighed and looked away- - just say something, Leo! You're ruining the chance you had!'_ Leo stammered a bit, trying to think of what to say. "I-I'm sorry, Donnie, I didn't mean to... I got up and went to the bathroom, and when I came back, my knee started acting up..." Leo stopped talking, afraid that his voice would start getting high pitched as he lied to his brother. _'Great, now you're lying- - you're ruining everything, Leo, what haven't you fucked up?_ '

Donnie quickly opened his eyes and looked at Leo, a concerned look on his face. "Leo, you're on bed rest- - you should have called us." Donnie shifted his gaze to Leo's leg, taking a good look at it. "Did you feel any major shift in your leg?"

"No," Leo replied, his voice now quiet. "It just started feeling like there was a ton of pressure again. I used my crutches and everything... I thought I could just go use the bathroom by myself." Leo looked down at his thighs. "I guess I can't even do that right."

Donnie scooted down the bed and grabbed the pillows and the ice pack that had now melted. He looked at the towels that were lying on the ground. "I'll go get some more ice and towels. I'll be right back." Donnie quickly left the room, not looking back.

Leo watched from the corner of his eyes as his brother swiftly left the room. He didn't know which was worse- - the pain in his knee or the guilt he was feeling. He slapped his hands on his face and slid them down slowly. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to collect himself when a sudden image of Shredder appeared. He immediately shot his eyes open and start to hyperventilate a bit. He quickly tried collecting himself as he heard steps coming up the stairs. He cleared his throat and reached for the water, gulping down about half of it. He set it down just as Donnie came back in. Donnie knelt on one knee and was about to put the fresh ice pack on Leo's knee when he suddenly halted and pulled his arms back. Donnie looked... troubled.

Leo, probably not going to be happy to hear what was bothering Donnie, asked "what's wrong?"

_'don't tell him don't tell him don't tell him don't tell him- -'_

"I... have to put the splint on your leg..." Donnie replied, already worried about how Leo would react. He took a peek, guilt washing over him as he saw how grim Leo looked.

"Oh," Leo breathed. Leo finally noticed the splint on the floor, and he felt his whole body freeze up. Looking at it reminded him of his recent nightmare- - he didn't know exactly why, but it did- - which just made everything worse. His heart was racing. He felt like there was a festering feeling at the bottom of his heart and the top of his stomach, like something was bubbling and burning at the same time and it was intensifying the more he thought about it. His head started to hurt. Everything was starting to feel like too much- - he felt nothing and numb, but at the same time, he was feeling too much. He didn't even notice that he had balled up his hands and that he was starting to shake until Donnie said something. "Huh- -"

"I'm sorry, Leo, I know that's not what you want to hear, but... it's to help you..." Donnie cleared his throat as he felt it tighten. "I don't want to do this either- - I don't want to put you through any more pain, but... it's better to do this now than to wait and make you worry more." Leo didn't say anything. Leo just stared at the splint, going stoic. Donnie felt horrible- - what else could he do or say to make his brother upset? Did Leo hate him yet? If not, he surely would soon. "D-do you wanna eat before I- -"

"I'd throw it right back up," Leo mumbled.

Donnie nodded. "Right." He sighed, rubbing his arm. "Do you want to take a minute or- -"

"No. No point postponing the inevitable." Donnie froze as Leo said that.

 _'Did I say that out loud when I thought that in my head earlier? Does Leo think I meant that about seeing him?'_ Donnie's bad thoughts swarmed his head, but he had to focus on the splint situation. Donnie finally grabbed the splint and placed it on the bed. He looked at it, trying to see how to put it on. "...well, it won't be as bad as it could have been. They made it to where it opens up instead of having to slide it up your leg. It'll be less of a hassle."

Leo breathed out a long sigh, relieved to hear that it wasn't going to be as bad as he had thought. "Th-that's good." They both looked at each other and faintly smiled, then looked away. _'Shell why does this feel so awkward...'_ Leo cleared his throat. "L-let's do it now. Waiting around just makes me more nervous."

"You sure? You want me to get Mikey or anyone?"

Leo considered it, but... _'I need to talk to Donnie alone, without anyone's help. If I can't even talk to my own brother, how am I supposed to expect to make it up to him?'_ Leo shook his head and looked back up at his brother. "N-no. As long as you're here, I know I'll be okay. Honest."

Donnie faltered for a moment, returning Leo's gaze. Donnie became a bit bashful, a gentle smile on his face. "Th-that's..." He didn't know how to describe the feeling without sounding weird. "...as long as you're sure."

Leo returned a small soft smile at his brother. _'Thank shell, I didn't sound weird.'_ Leo glanced at his knee, taking in a deep breath. Leo watched as Donnie grabbed the splint and slid it a little closer to his leg. Though Leo felt good that he had gotten into his brother's good graces, it couldn't fully mask the anxiety he was feeling.

"I'm thinking... why don't I prop your leg back up on the pillows so that I don't have to shift your leg around needlessly? Plus, it'd make putting the splint on a much easier transition. Does that sound oka- -"

"I trust you."

Donnie paused. "...okay," he breathed. _'He... really trusts me? Even after all the pain I've brought unto him?'_ Donnie quickly composed himself as best as he could. "Okay. If you need me to stop, don't hesitate to tell me, alright?" Leo nodded. Donnie let out a long exhale, trying to prepare himself. He stacked the pillows up as high as they should be, then looked at Leo's leg. _'Don't mess up, Donnie, don't mess up.'_ Donnie hovered his hands over Leo's lower leg, taking in a deep breath as he quickly grabbed Leo's leg and lifted it up, trying to prop up his brother's leg as swiftly as he could. Leo tilted his head back immediately, his hands bunching up as much of the sheets as possible. "Sorry, sorry!"

Leo shook his head furiously. "Don't be. Keep going." Donnie hesitated for a moment, but nodded.

Leo shut his eyes, not wanting to know when a new wave of pain was coming. His knee was pulsing as the pain washed over him. Leo took deep breaths, trying to focus on it as he heard Donnie open the splint. _'Don't be a baby don't be a baby don't be a fucking baby'_ Leo yelled at himself as he felt the splint under his leg. Donnie tried to put it on as quickly and as tightly as it should be as he could. Leo let out a pained laugh, groaning right after. Donnie quickly strapped it the rest of the straps on and made sure that the splint was on correctly, then pulled his hands away. They both let out a sigh, relieved it was over.

"How bad is it?" Donnie asked, twiddling his fingers.

Leo had shut his so tight that when he opened his eyes back up, his vision was a bit blurry. Wait, now it wasn't- -

"I-I'm so sorry, Leo, I didn't mean to make you cry," Donnie said softly. "Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me to stop?"

"Sorry," Leo replied quickly. "Sorry, sorry, I just... I didn't..." Leo paused, not wanting to finish the original sentence. "...I thought it'd be easier to just get it over with and not have any breaks, 'cause if there were, I'd just have to wait for more pain." Leo looked at Donnie for a second, then looked away again as he saw the grim expression on Donnie's face. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset."

"I'm not upset," Donnie breathed. "I'm just worried. Do you need anything?"

 _'You shouldn't worry about me- - no one should waste their thoughts on me...'_ Leo wiped at his eyes. "...can you pass me the potato?"

"You sure you want to eat after that?"

 _'No- -'_ Leo nodded, trying to give Donnie a reassuring smile. "Yeah." Donnie was about to hand him the plate when Leo's stomach started to feel like it was churning. Leo gulped down the lump in his throat. "A-actually, never mind. Sorry."

"Don't be," Donnie replied. "Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself at the pace you want. I just want you to do what you think is best for you 'cause I care."

Leo froze at that, then felt a new kind of shiver throughout his body. "...thanks for saying that. I," Leo chuckled a bit nervously. "I keep thinking I'm just being stupidly oversensitive and immature about how I'm feeling and stuff, so hearing that from you is... just thanks," Leo mumbled, getting a bit bashful. _'You're sounding too weird, Leo- -'_

Donnie chuckled a bit. "Any time, Leo." They both smiled at each other warmly, the tension between them starting to dissipate. Leo's smile faded a bit, which Donnie noticed immediately. _'...did I do something wrong? Did I say the wrong thing?'_ Donnie scooted a bit closer. "Wh-what's the matter?"

Leo rubbed his arm, nervous to speak his mind. "...can I tell you something?"

"O-of course."

"...I had another nightmare." Leo glanced up at Donnie and saw as his brother's worried expression grew. "I... I know you'd want me to say something about it instead of letting it fester, so that's why I'm... telling you now... I guess..." Leo rubbed his neck. "I-I don't really know where I'm going with this."

Donnie offered a small smile. "Neither do I, but... I'll try to help. Do you want to talk about it? Or does just saying it help ease some tension?"

"I don't really know if you wanna hear about it- -"

"If talking about it will help, I'm all ears. I want to help you, Leo, in any way I can."

"Okay, uh," Leo tried finding the right words. "I-I've been having the same nightmare. Do you remember the, uh, night after the plant monster kicked all our shells and I woke up... sorta screaming?" Donnie nodded. "W-well, ever since then, most times whenever I go to sleep, I have the same nightmare." Donnie nodded again, but looked kind of like he was waiting for something. Leo was a bit puzzled, but smiled nervously as he realized- - "Oh, I haven't really told you what the nightmare actually is, sorry," Leo chuckled nervously once again. "It's... basically, I keep reliving the moment that Shredder and the Foot knocked me unconscious, but my nightmares escalate the actual scenario and make it seem scarier every time I fall asleep. And sometimes, y'know, 'cause of the nightmares, I try to... not go to sleep..."

"You're depriving yourself of sleep?"

Leo was about to deny it, but he stopped himself. After a few seconds, he nodded once. "Y-yeah... I-I know that's bad, but it's just... it's messing with me too much."

Donnie didn't really know what to say. If he couldn't even think of what to say, how was he supposed to help Leo, like he said he would and wanted to do? Donnie rubbed the top of his head, trying to find the right words. "...you know, there's no reason to feel bad for the trauma you're experiencing. It's completely normal. If it was me or anyone else in your shoes, we'd be having nightmares, too. I can't really say anything that will help make the nightmares go away, 'cause I can't. And if I said something that implied that, I'd be lying to you and giving you false hope, and that's the last thing I want to do. Your feelings are valid, Leo. But over time, that trauma will affect you less and less, and before you even realize it, it won't even faze you anymore. It might feel like that day will never come, but it will. And I, and everyone else, will be here every step of the way. Okay?"

Leo took a moment to let Donnie's words sink in, then finally nodded. "Okay. I'm trusting you on this."

Donnie smiled a bit. "Have ye ol faith, Leonardo. Things will get better soon." Donnie stood up. "I'm gonna grab you some more water. Do you want me to take the potato away and bring it back out whenever you feel hungry?"

Leo smiled back. "Yeah, that sounds good." Donnie nodded, grabbing the plate and the cup and heading out the door. "Hey, uh, Donnie?"

Donnie stopped, looking back over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Thank you. It means a lot to me."

Donnie wasn't sure what Leo was referring to, but hearing that he had made Leo feel a little bit more okay in some moment made Donnie feel the same way. Donnie smiled warmly. "No problem."

Donnie walked out of the room, and both the troubled boys felt a bit close to peace, for once. They both felt that things between them were becoming less awkward, and maybe soon, they'd patch things up and everything between them would be normal again.


	15. The Middle-Teens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Mikey and Raph were quietly talking amongst themselves when they heard footsteps descending the stairs. They shifted their gazes, seeing Donnie coming down with a small, genuine smile on his face and a plate of food in hand. They glanced at each other before they made their way to Donnie. Donnie didn't notice until he made it to the bottom of the stairs- - he was lost in his thoughts. He looked at his brothers, who had curious expressions on their faces.

"What?" Donnie chuckled.

"Nothin'," Mikey replied casually. "Just wondering if Leo liked the food."

"Oh, he wasn't feeling really hungry. I told him I'd bring it back up to him whenever he felt hungry enough to eat."

"Did ya put on the splint?" Raph asked.

"Yeah." Donnie rubbed the back of his neck quickly. "It was quick but kinda nerve-wrecking. But it wasn't as bad as it could've been."

"That's good. He good for visitors?"

"I think so, yeah."

Raph nodded, detouring to the kitchen quickly. It was just Mikey and Donnie, and Donnie was still a bit smiley. Mikey couldn't bite back his curiosity. "What's got ya so happy?"

Donnie stammered a bit, but he was kind of wanting to tell someone what he was feeling. "I think the tension between me and Leo is going away. We talked alone while I was up there, and it was kind of awkward at first, but by the end of it, I didn't feel that anxious and awkward feeling I usually had when I left. I guess I'm just happy that he and I are breaking the ice now."

Mikey couldn't help but to slip out an "awwww," making Donnie laugh a bit and shove Mikey playfully. "That's great, dude! I'm happy for ya. Let's celebrate by me whooping your butt at a video game!"

Donnie rolled his eyes. "Please. You're going down."

Mikey narrowed his eyes, leaning close to his brother. "Challenge accepted." Mikey sharply turned and went into the living room, setting up the game of his choice. "Whenever you're ready, D!"

"Just a minute," Donnie yelled as he walked to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and set the plate of food in there, closing it after he managed to find a place to put it in between all the soft drinks they had stocked. Donnie saw Raph from his peripherals and saw that Raph was tapping his fingers on the countertop. "You okay?"

Raph glanced over his shoulder, then nodded. "Yeah. Just doing some thinking."

"You want to talk about it?"

Raph gave Donnie a reassuring smile. "It's nothin' bad, don't worry. Just thinking about training and stuff."

Donnie was quiet for a second before nodding in response. "I'll be in the living room if you need me, okay?"

"Sure thing." Donnie was about to leave, but stopped. Raph raised a brow. "Something wrong?"

"Don't tell Leo I told you this- - I think he's embarrassed about it," Donnie quickly whispered. Raph immediately became concerned. "He's been having nightmares ever since he woke up. He had one last night, and he told me sometimes, he stays up just so he doesn't have to face another nightmare."

Raph drew out a long breath, his eyes shutting. Had Donnie not known about Leo's nightmares until now? Raph wanted to act surprised to make it seem like this was the first time he heard about this, but he wanted to be honest more. "I know about his nightmares."

Donnie wasn't expecting that and froze for a moment. "Oh."

"He only told me 'cause I egged him to tellin' me. Remember the night he slept for 17 hours? When I went to check on him, I asked if it was the same nightmare he had the night that plant thing attacked, and I told him he needed to talk about it. But it took him a while to tell me the actual nightmare. I know he's embarrassed about it- - he feels stupid for having nightmares. I try to help, but I can only do so much, y'know?"

Donnie nodded, sighing. "Yeah. He told me he feels oversensitive talking about it or his emotions in general. He asked what he should do, and I tried helping as best as I could by telling him my honest thoughts, and he seemed kind of... I don't know, it seemed like it made him feel a little better? Maybe that's just my overly hopeful side thinking that he's starting to open up to me. I felt like he was mad at me for the longest time... I still kind of feel like that. But that feeling's going away."

Raph smiled a bit at that, then sighed. "You stay right here. I'ma be right back." Raph quickly left the kitchen and dashed to the living room, poking his head in. "Hey, April, can ya help me with somethin' real quick?"

"Sure," April replied, getting up from the sofa and walking to Raph. "What's the- -"

"I'm thinkin' of tellin' Donnie how Leo feels like Donnie hates him 'cause I guess things between them are startin' to feel less awkward and stuff, and I think he should know the truth, but is it too soon?"

April's eyes widened. "Raph," April breathed out. "I don't know either! Uh... let's go talk to him, and we'll decide then, okay? Do you think he could handle it now?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm telling you," Raph quickly replied. "Why is this so complicated?"

April chuckled nervously. "I don't know. Let's just do it before we get too worked up." Raph nodded, leading himself and April to the kitchen, where Donnie was drinking some water. "Hey, D."

Donnie turned around, a smile on his face. "Hey." He looked between his brother and April, feeling a little cornered all of a sudden. "What's going on?"

"I know you've told April more about your feelings than me, so I thought you'd be more comfortable telling her instead of me." Donnie looked a bit stricken hearing that. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want you to feel like I'm not comfortable talking to you about how I feel," Donnie mumbled.

"Nah, that's not it. I just know that April knows more about it, so if ya wanna tell me too, she could help me catch up with whatever I don't know about." Donnie looked a little uncomfortable. "But if ya want me out, that's chill too, man, don't worry. I just want ya to talk to someone ya feel like you can talk to."

"No, it's okay, you can stay, I was just thrown off for a bit." Donnie rubbed the back of his neck again. "Okay, so, basically, I feel like Leo blames me for what happened to him back at home, and I feel like it's my fault 'cause I didn't go along with his plan. And ever since he woke up, I've been kind of tiptoeing around him because I don't want to make him more upset, especially when I know he's feeling the lowest he's ever felt. I know he hates being bed-ridden and feeling like he can't do anything, so it just makes me more anxious around him. But I think we're slowly getting to where we used to be as much as we can be. I know I have to talk to him soon, but I want to do that when I'm ready. When I feel less anxious and more... I guess confident?.. around him, I'll tell him how I feel. I just don't want him to hate me and I want to make it up to him."

Raph looked kind of like the wind had been knocked out of him. Raph glanced at April. The question of 'should we?' was apparent in his eyes, and her eyes were giving him a hard 'no.' Raph gave her a look as if to say he agreed, and they looked back at Donnie. "How do you feel now, bro?"

"I feel like eventually, I can tell Leo what I really feel, and that we can talk through it. Maybe he doesn't hate me like I thought. Maybe he's kind of mad at me. Either way, I feel like talking to him feels less impossible. It might not make sense, but- -"

"No, it does, it does." Raph rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm really happy to hear that you're feelin' less bad about being around him."

"Then why do you look... not happy?"

Raph smiled a bit sheepishly. "I mean, I didn't know you felt like that. Not to that much of an extent, I mean. But I really am happy to hear that you're feelin' less crummy, D. I am."

Donnie smiled a bit. "Me too."

Before it could get too awkward, Mikey yelled from the living room "DONNIE GET YOUR SHELL IN HERE ALREADY!"

Donnie chuckled a bit. "I'll, uh, be..." Raph and April nodded, smiling a bit. "Yeah, okay, uh, I- -" Donnie stopped himself, chuckling nervously as he left the kitchen.

Once he was far away enough, Raph and April turned to each other. "Should we have told him?" April asked. "Maybe he should hear it?"

"I don't know, I really don't. It seems like he's still too... like, he can't handle that information yet. I don't want him to hear what Leo feels like and tiptoe around him more or barge up there and say something, 'cause Leo's not ready to talk about that yet either. I don't think either of 'em are at that talking level yet."

"You're right. And it'd probably be bad to tell him now that he's feeling less anxious around him. I guess we should wait until they're talking more comfortably to tell them to talk about their feelings?" April brushed her fingers through her hair. "How long will that be, though?"

Raph sighed. "Who knows. I just wish they could talk about it now so that things could be better between 'em."

"Me too," April replied quietly. "Are you gonna go up and see Leo?"

"Yeah. Donnie told me Leo had a nightmare last night, so I should see how he's holding up."

"Sounds good. I'll go with the others and try to make sure Donnie has a good time." Raph nodded, about to walk to the sink when April placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. He turned to look at her, confused. "How are you holding up?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, being the middleman is stressing me out for sure. I just wanna know if you're doing okay. I know you feel responsible for looking after everyone and everything while Leo's healing, and now with two of your brothers feeling so down, I can't imagine how that feels. I've felt bad sometimes for feeling tired of trying to help and stuff, but I know it's because I'm neglecting taking care of myself, which I kinda need to work on. I just want to know if there's anything I can do for you. And be honest. I'll know if you're lying."

Raph looked a little hesitant. "I mean, yeah, it's been a stressful couple of months. And I've felt like that too sometimes. I mean, I know we could definitely be doing better, but... I'm doin' the best I can, I guess."

April smiled a bit sadly. "One of these days, you should take a day to yourself. I can see the stress getting to you. You've got 4 other people to watch over things whenever you need the time to yourself. You know that, right? I don't want you to be bottling it up and suddenly blowing up. I know you don't want that either. If you need some time to yourself, you just let me know, okay?"

There was a new kind of expression on Raph's face that April had rarely gotten to see before. He looked tired and worn, but like there was still some spunk in him. He gave April a small, soft smile. "Alright." April smiled sweetly. Raph looked a bit hesitant now, and April was about to ask why when Raph pulled her in for a hug. She was a bit surprised. "I'm not gonna say if you tell anyone yada yada yada, I'm just worried about ya too. Ya lemme know if ya need anythin', okay?"

April smiled again, hugging Raph back. "Alright."


	16. Phase 3: Pushing Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Feeling a bit comforted after his exchange with April, Raph climbed the stairs, wanting to know how his brother was doing. The exchange left him feeling comforted, but at the same time, some new empty feelings set in. April said she had been neglecting her feelings... was he doing that too? He wasn't really sure, but he could't focus on that now; his brother's well-being was more important than his. He knocked on the door before entering, seeing that Leo had his eyes closed. He was a bit surprised to see Leo asleep, but wasn't about to interrupt the sleep Leo was trying to get, knowing that Leo tried to deprive himself of sleep every now and then. He was about to shut the door when he heard his name being called softly. Raph poked his head back in. "I'm not tryna interrupt your sleep, bro, go back to sleep."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking. What's up?"

"Just checkin' in. How's the splint feelin'? Is it okay?" Raph now fully stepped inside the room, shutting the door behind him.

"It's taking some getting used to. Ever since it came on, it got itchy." Leo chuckled a bit at that. "Guess those movies were right about having an itchy leg with casts and splints on."

Raph smiled a bit, walking to the bed and sitting on the corner. "We'll get ya a long fork or somethin'. How ya holdin' up? Did you have any nightmares this time?"

Leo's smile kind of faltered. "I did have a nightmare again. It was kind of more intense this time. But I wasn't really thinking about my nightmare."

"What were ya thinkin' about then?"

Leo's smile returned. "I think things between me and Donnie are getting less awkward now. We talked, just the two of us, and it went okay. I kept thinking I was messing up, but by the end of it, things were okay. I feel like... I feel like I'm finally doing something right. I just wish I could go talk to him whenever I wanted instead of being stuck in this room, but I'll take whatever I can get. I know it sounds kind of weird, but- -"

"Nah, you're feeling good, and that's great to hear." Raph gave Leo a smile. "I'm happy for ya, bro."

Leo chuckled a bit, feeling good for a moment. He looked closely at Raph and felt like something was... off. "Hey, Raph."

"Yeah?"

"Is something wrong?"

"Mm, whatcha mean?"

"It looks like you've got something on your mind."

"Mm, everyone's been sayin' that today," Raph chuckled a bit, seeming to want to brush it off.

"Is it something serious?"

Raph didn't really reply to that. "I saw you earlier. Watching us from the stairs."

Leo tensed up a bit. "Oh." Leo glanced at Raph. He didn't seem disappointed or angry or anything. He didn't really show any emotions. "Are... you angry?"

"Nah," Raph replied. "I was wonderin' earlier why ya didn't join us, but I think I know why."

"What's that?"

"I think you felt like if you tried to join in, you'd somehow ruin the game or whatever. Or that you didn't belong. Am I kinda in the right direction?"

"Dead on."

"Mm. Anyways, yeah. I wanted to call ya over when I saw ya, but I felt like if I called ya out, ya'd get embarrassed or try to get outta the situation. I didn't wanna put ya on the spot. I know you're still tryna get comfortable with everyone, and you're doin' great, trust me. I just didn't wanna potentially make ya feel more bad. I kinda feel like you feeling like you don't belong is my fault. I coulda tried. I know you've been wantin' to get things back to the way it was, and that coulda been a great chance to, and I didn't help. So I've been kickin' myself for that ever since."

Leo didn't really know what to say except "oh" again.

Raph chuckled a bit, but it was an empty laugh. "Yeah. So the better question is, now that ya know, are ya mad at me?"

Leo looked at Raph. "No, I get it."

Raph smiled, but it was empty as well. "Mm, yeah ya are. Ya can't lie to me."

Leo felt a bit under pressure. "I'm not mad mad, but it's like you said. You could've said something." Raph nodded. "But I really do get where you were coming from. Maybe if you did call my name, maybe I would've tried to get my way out of the situation or make me feel embarrassed. I don't even know if I'm ready for that much communication, and I don't know if I could have pushed myself to even try to join. Hell, when I didn't know you saw me, I couldn't make myself go over to you guys. I didn't even try. That's on me."

"Point is, I coulda helped, and I didn't. I'm sorry I didn't try. But I'll try to next time. I'm just tryna ease ya back in at your own pace, but I don't really know what that pace is yet."

"You could ask."

Raph gave a small smile. "I shoulda, yeah. So, what's your pace, then?"

"I don't really know. I think I just need occasional pushes to try to get out of my comfort zone. I'll try by myself, but I do need help sometimes. If that makes sense."

"Yeah, it does. Alright, I can do that. I'll do my best, bro." Raph slapped his hands on his thighs and slowly got up. "You wanna go down there?"

Leo's eyes lit up a bit, then shrunk. "But, I'm on bed-rest."

"You've got a splint, crutches, and me to help ya down there. And that couch is callin' your name."

"...what about the times I need to use the bathroom or something?"

Raph smiled. "Do ya wanna go down there or not?" Raph held his hand out. "This is the only way I can think to make it up to ya for my fuck up, and this can get ya eased in to talkin' to everyone at your own pace."

Leo looked at Raph's hand, tempted. "Are you sure? What if Donnie gets mad?"

"I'll take the heat. It's my idea."

Leo glanced up at Raph, then back down at his hand. He took in a deep breath and grabbed Raph's hand, his mood already up by the idea of being downstairs. "Let's do this."

Raph chuckled. "Alright."

* * *

Hearing heavy steps coming down the stairs, Mikey started yelling out "Raph, hey, come check out my sc- -" and stopped when he saw Leo at Raph's side. The others, puzzled by Mikey's sudden halt, turned and saw Leo and Raph, too. It was quiet for a moment. "Leo! Check out how much I kicked Donnie's butt!"

Leo smiled sheepishly. Mikey truly knew how to keep things casual, which was something he was grateful for. "We talking hundreds or thousands?"

"Thousands, bro!" Mikey chirped. "I got a real game mojo goin' on today!" Raph and Leo walked to the couch. Mikey and Donnie scooted over, making a spot for Leo. Raph helped set Leo down onto the couch, then grabbed a leg rest. Raph folded a stray towel and laid it on top of the leg rest, then had help setting Leo's splinted leg up onto it. Raph then grabbed a blanket and draped it over Leo's legs. Raph stepped aside, watching as Leo and the others started talking and joking around. Seeing that his brother was doing okay, Raph decided he had done what he could and stepped out of the room, with no one noticing, just as he wanted it.

"Did you beat my score?" Leo asked.

"I was almost there!"

"...by almost, he means he didn't even scratch the surface," Donnie mumbled.

"Hey! I did way better than you!"

Leo laughed, feeling a bit comfortable now. "What about Casey? I know he's pretty good at this game."

"Dude, legit, I can't get to your score. I can somewhat get there whenever I stay up and play this game, but I haven't got there. I barely beat April's score."

"You beat my score?" April yelled. "I demand a duel. I worked hard for my score."

Leo laughed some more. He glanced at Donnie on accident, but was glad he did when he saw that Donnie was laughing along. Donnie caught Leo's glance and looked at him, smiling at him. "Leo, I want a match with you. Maybe you could pass down your masterful skills of this game to me so that I can shove it in Mikey's face."

Leo smiled wide. "I can try, but acquiring skills so hefty might be challenging."

"Challenge accepted," Donnie replied, sounding a bit competitive. He grabbed the controller he set down, and Mikey gave his to Leo. Both Donnie and Leo were feeling good and comfortable around each other, and there was barely any awkwardness. Things were going good, and it was such a nice surprise. Neither of them felt drained or exhausted. They felt like they could stay in this moment for hours. And that's what made it all the better; they did.


	17. I'm Not Feeling It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

[A/N: For this chapter, there are text exchanges, and I'm gonna give a guide so y'all don't get confused as to whose talking.  
April's texts: _"text here"_ | Raph's texts: _text here_  
Basically, April's will have quotations, Raph's won't, and they'll both be italicized. Hope it helps, and hope you enjoy the chapter!]

* * *

Hours had passed by, and everyone was still energetic and talkative ever since Leo joined. April had been having fun, but she noticed a while later that Raph was MIA. She thought maybe he was just doing some exercise or went to rest and brushed it off. But when more hours passed and he didn't return, she became a bit worried. Not wanting to ruin the fun vibe in the room, especially for Leo and Donnie, she pulled out her T-Phone and sent a message to Raph.

_"Hey, where are you?"_

She slid her T-Phone back into her pocket, trying to ease her nerves and not worry too much. When another hour passed and there was no response, she made an excuse and left the room to go see if she could go find him. She looked upstairs, checking the bedrooms and bathroom, with no luck. She went back downstairs, checking the kitchen. Still no luck. She opened the front door, checking to see if maybe he was just taking a breather on the porch, but he wasn't there. She did two rounds around the yard, seeing no sign of him. She went to the barn, getting more worried when she couldn't find him. She checked inside the van, and there wasn't a sign. She pulled out her T-Phone, sending another text.

_"Raph, please answer me, I'm getting worried."_

She was about to slide her T-Phone back into her pocket when she felt it vibrate. She quickly pulled it back out.

_Sorry. Be there in 5._

April sighed, relieved.

_"Alright."_

She slid her phone back into her pocket, taking another deep breath before walking back to the house, her mind now at ease. She shut the door and went back to the living room, easily getting involved in the banter.

* * *

Raph watched as April walked back into the house. He really thought he could go unnoticed for longer. He had been unnoticed for a while and hoped it would stay that way. He had been outside alone ever since he left the living room long ago. There was something weird going on with him. Ever since he talked to April and Leo, something was happening to him. Had he really been neglecting his feelings? He felt drained in such a different way that he's ever felt before. He wanted to help everyone feel as okay as they could given their current situation and had been doing so many things to do what he could to help. It hadn't been the easiest couple of months. It still wasn't as great as it could be, but things were starting to feel more hopeful. So why was he feeling so... low all of a sudden? When April had asked him how he was doing earlier, something inside him felt like he couldn't physically tell her. Like if he did, something bad would happen. He felt that if he talked about his feelings in depth, he'd feel guilty about talking about himself and would regret it because he'd bring other's moods down. He felt like any emotional input of his was.. pointless.

He had basically just been watching the sun set and the moon emerge, but that's not really what he was doing. He was more disassociating, and it was a very weird experience for him. Nothing felt real, nothing felt concrete. He felt empty yet his head and heart were pounding. He didn't really feel like talking to anyone, and he didn't want to be seen. He felt like with him out of the equation, things went by smoother. Everyone's problems were more pressing than his, so he cast his feelings and issues aside to help others with theirs. Sure, he got the amount of sleep and exercise he needed everyday, but that was the only routine that kept him feeling somewhat grounded. He felt those walls he spent so long to tear down come up again, and he hated it, but he felt like he couldn't do anything about it. They were going up for a reason, and it was going to be hell to tear them back down again. That he already knew. It frustrated him. He made so much progress, and to just backtrack so much made him despise his actions.

He somewhat snapped back to reality, sighing as he slid off the branch he was sitting on and landed on his feet. He still felt that stoic feeling, but he was in touch enough to do basic things; talk, eat, whatever. He was kind of dreading going back to the house, but he didn't want to stir up drama with them noticing he was gone. He didn't want attention, so the sooner he went in, the better. Once he reached the door, he took a deep breath and tried to look as relaxed and normal as he could. He stepped inside, locking the door after he shut it and saw that everyone was still in the living room. The only person who noticed him come in was April. She gave him a little wave, and he waved at her in return, turning to go to the kitchen. He grabbed a cup and poured some water for himself, about to drink it when his T-Phone vibrated. He pulled it out.

_"Where were you?"_

_I was doing stretches in this secret spot Mikey found a while ago, then I tried meditating._

_"For like 5 hours?"_

_I didn't realize it was that long 'til you texted me, sorry_

_"It's okay, I'm just glad you're alright"_

Raph slid his T-Phone back into his belt, then finally got to drink his water. Lying was easy- - oddly too easy, and he wasn't happy about that. Lying so carelessly like he used to do- - what was happening to him? He couldn't even answer that himself. He poured some more water for himself, and it went on like that for about 15 minutes. He felt like he wasn't really... in the moment. He just kept drinking water until someone spoke behind him.

"Y'know ya only need 8 cups of water a day, right?"

Raph looked behind him, seeing Mikey. "Water's good, bro. Have ya got your 8 cups then?"

"...I guess I will now," Mikey grumbled, stealing the cup of water from Raph. He gulped it down. "That's cup number... 5. Serve me up, waiter."

Raph smiled. "Sure. So how's the game goin'?"

"Leo and Casey and April kept beating me, so I quit. I got a good score, and that's all that matters."

Raph chuckled. "Are Leo and Donnie doin' okay around each other?"

"Yeah, dude, like, if you didn't know about their little awkward moments before, you wouldn't now. They're doin' great, and they keep talking and joking around with each other. And they're gettin' into the other conversations we get into, and they're havin' fun. It's goin' really good. Like," Mikey started laughing already, not even starting the story. "Do you remember when Casey sa- - wait."

Raph raised a brow, having just finished pouring a cup of water for him and Mikey. "Mm?"

"...I feel so bad, dude."

"Why?"

"I didn't even know you weren't even in the room the entire time!" Mikey frowned. "Bro, I'm sorry, I thought you were there- - we were all there, and I just assumed you were, too."

Raph shot Mikey a reassuring smile. "Don't sweat it, bro. It's fine. I'm just glad you guys are having fun." Raph handed him his water.

"So where have you been then?"

"Mm, your secret spot."

"You found it?" Raph nodded, sipping his water. "Well, it's nice, right?" Raph nodded. "What did ya do there that whole time?"

"I started doing exercises, and I kept trying to meditate. I guess I lost track of time, 'cause I thought it was only like, an hour or two until I saw the sun go down."

Mikey smiled. "It's a nice spot to be alone in, though. Ya feelin' okay, Raph?"

"Mm, whatcha mean?"

"I mean, I only go there when I'm not feeling my best."

"Oh, I just wanted to get the blood pumpin', but not like, training kind of blood pumpin', if that makes sense. I felt like moving around."

"Ya sure?"

"Mhm," Raph hummed, finishing his cup of water. "Drink your water, Mr. 8-cups-a-day."

Mikey chuckled a bit at that, drinking his water and gulping it down in seconds. "That's 6."

Raph grabbed Mikey's cup from him and filled the two cups with water, handing them both to Mikey. "There's your 8, then, bro." Raph stretched up his arms, letting out a loud, fake yawn.

"You gonna head to bed?"

"Guess so, yeah."

"You don't wanna hang out for a bit?"

"Maybe tomorrow, bro. My eyes are feelin' heavy already, so I'd just leave in like 5 minutes if I went to go hang out." Raph rubbed the top of Mikey's head and then gently clasped his hand on Mikey's shoulder, smiling a bit as Mikey smiled up at him. "You guys have fun, and make sure Leo and Donnie are doing okay."

"Night, Raph, love ya," Mikey said as he was about to gulp down his last cup.

"Love ya too," Raph replied, leaving the kitchen.

Raph dodged the views of the others in the living room and went up the stairs as quietly as he could, heading to the spare bedroom at the end of the hallway. He quietly shut the door behind him, then walked to the bad and laid down on it. He grabbed the blankets and draped it over himself, then grabbed the 3 pillows on the bed and stacked them, setting it under his head. He slid his hand under the stack of pillows to add the elevation and turned to face the wall. He was grateful he only had to talk to one person and no one else. He wondered if he should feel bad about feeling about that, and decided he probably should, but he didn't have it in him to care about it too much. His old habits were coming back so easily. What was going on with him? What was he shielding himself from? He wasn't sure, but he didn't think much on it. He instead focused on how out of everything he felt. He spent a while just staring at the while, thinking about nothing. He didn't think about anything, didn't focus on anything, didn't really do much. He just laid there and stared at the wall. He didn't even try going to sleep. It just came to him unexpectedly.

* * *

"...ake up, Raph."

Raph felt like utter crap and he hadn't even been awake for a minute. He moaned for a second as he opened his eyes a bit, trying to see who was waking him up. He looked up and saw April looking down at him. He hummed a bit and turned on his side, slowly waking himself up. "Mm, what's up?"

"Leo and Donnie want to talk to you."

"Mmkay," Raph mumbled. "What time is it?"

"Around 11 in the morning," April replied. "You have a good sleep?"

Raph didn't really reply to that; he just stretched his arms for a moment. "Do you know what they want?"

"I don't. They made it sound important, though. We didn't know where you slept so it took a minute to find you."

Raph nodded, finally propping himself to sit up. He rubbed his eyes, trying to wake up a bit more. He just felt really tired. "Mmkay, tell 'em I'll be down in a minute, if ya don't mind."

"Sure thing. They're in the living room whenever you head down." April left Raph alone, shutting the door behind her. Raph quickly laid back down, not ready to face the day. He spent as long as he could just laying there without rising suspicion, then finally forced himself to get out of bed. He left the room and went to freshen up, then went downstairs. He went to the living room, finding his way to his designated chair and sitting down on it. He saw Leo and Donnie quickly turn their attention to him. He tried waking up enough to deal with whatever was about to happen.

"What's goin' on?" Raph asked in between a yawn. There was a blanket beside his chair, so he picked it up and draped it over himself.

"Sorry for waking you up," Donnie started. "But I think that it's time we get Leo on some sort of routine."

"Mm, whatcha mean?"

"Something like daily stretches, maybe daily exercises- - something along those lines. I think now that he's in a splint, he can get around a little better than before, and he told me he's tired of sitting around all day. I think he's ready enough to do something daily, don't you?" Raph nodded a bit. "So what do you think he can start on for now?"

"I'm sure he has some ideas of his own- - both of you do, I'm sure. Tell me 'em and I'll see what seems okay, I guess."

"I was thinking I could maybe start on some easy exercises, but exercises that will give me a bit of a challenge. Maybe katas?" Leo thought out loud.

"I was thinking more along the lines of doing laps around a certain room, and getting to bigger rooms once he reaches a certain point. I think katas sounds okay, too. I don't know how confident I feel in exercises right now, but maybe he could do arm exercises for now? Or breathing exercises?"

"How do you feel about him lifting weights?" Raph asked.

Donnie gave Raph a bewildered expression. "Lifting weights?"

"Not like that," Raph sighed. "I mean like, dumbbells. Start with 5 or 10 pound weights to slowly get his arm strength back. Then give him some heavier ones once he's used to the previous ones. That's if you and Leo think that's okay. I'm just throwing something out there, I don't really know."

Leo looked at Donnie. "I mean, that's something I'm able to do. Would that be okay?"

Donnie thought about it for a minute. "...yeah, okay. I think we can make that happen. What else?"

"I think the katas and the laps are good ideas, too," Raph added. "Those three things on a daily basis will get his blood pumpin', but won't push his limits too much."

"Alright, then it's settled," Donnie replied, giving Leo a smile. "You wanna start that today or tomorrow?"

"Let's do it tomorrow. That way I can prepare more," Leo smiled back. "I'm finally going to be doing something productive, I'm excited."

Donnie laughed a bit. "That's good. Thanks for your help, Raph."

Raph nodded, plastering a smile on his face as Leo and Donnie continued talking amongst themselves. Raph felt his eyes closing on their own and didn't feel like being awake, so he let his eyes shut. He shifted a bit to get more comfortable, then went right back to sleep.

* * *

"...up, I made some fooooood," someone sang in his ear.

Raph tried turning away from the sound and going back to sleep, but the sound wouldn't give up. He finally opened his eyes and looked to see Mikey looking at him. "What's happening?"

"I made food," Mikey chirped. "You want some?"

"Not really," Raph mumbled. "I'm really tired. Thanks, though."

"Are you okay?" Raph nodded, shutting his eyes again. "Are you sure?" Raph hummed mhm in response. "You're not feeling sick, are you?" Raph hummed mm-mm. "Alrighty, bro, if you're sure. Lemme know if ya need anythin', okay?" Raph lamely nodded, already going back to sleep. He was conscious long enough to feel Mikey tuck him in and walk away and hear Mikey tell someone "I don't think Raph's feeling well, he's really sleepy today." After that, Raph was back to sleep.

"Did you ask him?" Leo asked.

"Yeah, he said he was just really tired. I dunno, though, I'm kinda worried. He hasn't really slept in, like not even once, ever since we came here. I think he's sick or something maybe."

"Hmm," Leo hummed, glancing over at Raph. "Hey, Donnie?" Leo called out.

"What's up?" Donnie replied, meeting up with Leo and Mikey.

"Can you check on Raph?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I think he's sick or somethin', dude," Mikey whined. "You can back me up on this; ever since we got here, Raph hasn't slept as long as he has today. I think he caught a cold or somethin'. Can ya just check, please? I'm kinda worried."

"Well, that is true... okay, I'll check." Donnie walked over to Raph, squatting as he examined Raph's face. "Mm, well, you can't really tell, but he does look kind of pale. Lemme go grab my thermometer." Donnie quickly left and came back with a mouth thermometer.

"Are ya gonna have to wake up for that?" Mikey asked. "He just went back to sleep."

"If he wakes up, he wakes up. I'm just going to do this manually." Donnie opened Raph's mouth a bit, sliding the appropriate end under Raph's tongue. He waited to hear the beeps from the thermometer to pull it out, and when he did, Raph grumbled and scrunched up his face. "Sorry, Raph." Donnie looked down at the thermometer. "His temperature's normal. He doesn't have a cold or fever as far as I can tell." Donnie stood back up, going to sterilize it before returning to Leo and Mikey. "Nothing's wrong. Maybe he just didn't have a great sleep last night."

"But he went to bed before any of us," Mikey replied.

"You know sometimes we sleep early but we keep waking up every now and then at night. Maybe that's the case here. For now, there's nothing to worry about. We should just let him rest since he's really tired."

Mikey looked back at Raph, still worried, but he trusted Donnie's word. They left the living room, giving Raph the peace and quiet he apparently needed.

* * *

Raph was woken up to loud and failed whispers, his head starting to hurt a bit already. He opened his eyes a bit, seeing everyone gathered around the TV. He sighed, knowing that he wasn't going to be able to sleep in the living room anymore. He slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes. He rubbed the temples of his head as the headache started to grow and stood up, trudging to the kitchen with the blanket wrapped around himself.

"Raph, are you okay?" Someone called out from the living room. Raph didn't feel like answering, so he kept walking. Raph searched the cupboards for some medicine, finally finding something. He grabbed some water and took the medicine, hoping the pain would subside soon. He felt more drained than ever... was it the exercises? He didn't have much time to think about it when he felt his T-Phone vibrate.

_"What's wrong?"_

Raph didn't reply. Instead he sat down at the table, not feeling like climbing the stairs to go to sleep. He noticed that it was 7 at night, but didn't really care. He got as comfortable as he could and quickly went back to sleep.

* * *

"...you're not doing this, Raph."

Raph groaned, now feeling a little irritated.

"Raph, I'm not letting you sleep at the table. Go upstairs, at least."

"I'm lazy, April," Raph grumbled in response. "'m fine."

"What?"

"I'm fine here," Raph said again, ready to go back to sleep.

April sighed. "I'm gonna regret this probably, but oh well." April pulled out Raph's chair, then grabbed one of his arm and made him get up.

"What gives?" Raph yawned. April made him sling an arm around her, then started leading them to the stairs. Raph didn't protest; the quicker this was over with, the sooner he'd get to go back to sleep. They made it back to the spare bedroom, setting Raph down onto the bed. "Mm thanks, April," Raph mumbled as he turned over and got comfortable, ready to go back to sleep. But... April's presence was so... obvious and looming that he couldn't sleep. He turned a bit to look at her. "...what's wrong?" Raph asked.

"That's what I was going to ask you."

Raph didn't answer that. "You look upset. Here," Raph scooted to one side of the bed, leaving the other side for her. "Lay down."

April rolled her eyes, but laid down. Raph offered some blanket, and she accepted. "I'm just worried about you. Mikey is too."

"I'm just really tired," Raph replied. "I did do a lotta exercises, so I guess that's why. I didn't have the best sleep last night, either. I think it's 'cause I slept earlier than usual."

April was quiet for a moment. "You're really good at lying when you want to be." Raph didn't reply to that. "Everything's starting to get to you, isn't it?"

Raph didn't like where the conversation was heading: focused on him. "I think I just needed to sleep in for a day, I guess. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel less tired and more ready."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, I'm bein' honest. I don't really get what's going on except that I'm really tired today. I thought I was sick, but I don't feel how I usually would whenever I get sick. I'm just tired."

April turned her head to look at Raph. He noticed seconds later and turned a bit to look back at her. She scanned his face, looking for signs of a fib, but saw none. She sighed. "I feel like it's more than that, though."

Raph shrugged. "It could be, I guess. I don't really know."

"Do you?"

Raph shrugged again. "I really don't." April gave him a sad look. "Mm, don't do that. Don't pity me."

"I'm not, I'm just worried."

Raph sighed. "Sorry. Even if I really knew what was going on, I wouldn't let myself talk about it. Not now, at least."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's not really important."

"What do you always tell us?" Raph raised a brow. "If it's bothering you, it's important." Raph hummed. "Listen. I'm gonna be keeping an eye on you, but I'm just doing it out of love. If you need space, tell me. If you need something, name it. If you need some time alone, say I'm not feeling it. If you need a break, just tell me."

Raph nodded. "I'll see how tomorrow goes."

"Okay." April sat up, ready to get off the bed when Raph gently grabbed a hold of her wrist. She looked down at him. "Raph?"

"Look, I'm sorry I'm being a shithead. I think things are getting to me, finally. I appreciate ya lookin' after me, 'cause I guess I can't do it myself. Basically... thanks, April. You always pull through for me."

April smiled a bit. She placed her free hand on top of Raph's. "No problem. Get some rest." Raph nodded, watching as April went to the door. "Night. Love ya."

Raph raised a brow. "Ya never said that before."

April laughed a bit. "Don't make it weird. I just want you to know I do."

Raph gave her a genuine smile. "Love ya too, night." April smiled and shut the door behind her.

After that conversation, Raph wasn't tired anymore. He just talked about himself and he was already feeling that low feeling. He sighed, sitting up. He waited a couple of hours before he decided to actually go through with his probably very stupid plan. He snuck downstairs, grabbed some food and water, grabbed a sheet and a blanket, opened the front door and headed into the woods. If he went to Mikey's secret spot, they'd find him in a heartbeat. So he went to his secret spot, which luckily no one had found. He was already telling himself it was a dumb plan, but he didn't feel like going back. Maybe being away from everyone was what he needed. Raph sighed. He knew they were going to be worried, but it wasn't enough to make him go back. Nothing could override his low feelings. When he was sure April was asleep, he pulled out his phone.

_I'm not feeling it._


	18. 3 Troubled Teens, 1 Dilemma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

April's texts: _"text here"_ | Raph's texts: _text here_

* * *

It was around 10 in the morning when April finally woke up. She pulled out her phone to check the time, about to set it back down when she noticed that she had a text notification. She rubbed her eyes, propping herself up a bit with her arm as she unlocked her phone. The recipient name is what jolted her awake. She sat up, nervous to read the message already. Why had Raph sent her a message in the middle of the night? She finally opened the message, and her heart skipped a beat.

_I'm not feeling it._

April quickly set down her phone and climbed off of the couch chair she slept on, climbing up the stairs. She headed for the spare bedroom immediately. Opening the door and seeing an empty room, her heart sank. She stepped inside, going over to the bed and scanning to see if any of his belongings were still around the room somewhere. She checked under the bed, under the blankets and pillows, inside the bedside table drawers--- nothing. _'At least he took his essentials with him...'_ she thought to herself. It would have been worse if he left his belongings behind, so she was relieved for a second that he brought his things with him. She left the room, searching the other bedroom and bathroom with no luck. She had a feeling he had already left, but she just wanted to make sure. She checked all around the house, outside, inside the woods, around the barn, inside the van... no luck. She even tried looking for some clues, but found none. At this point, the pressure behind her eyes were building up. She did the only thing she could think of.

_"Where are you?"_

* * *

 

Raph had successfully managed to meditate after many tries. He had been meditating peacefully for a while when the sound of a vibration disturbed him. He slowly opened his eyes, shifting his gaze to his makeshift bag. He closed his eyes again, trying to get back into meditation when his phone vibrated again. Opening them once again, he sighed and reached to pull out his T-Phone. _'I knew I shoulda put it on silent or turned it off...'_ he thought to himself as he saw his lock screen full of messages. He unlocked it, feeling a bit guilty already as he read the many messages from April.

_"Are you safe?"_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

_"Please tell me your phone isn't off"_

_"Raph please if your phone is on don't ignore me I need to know you're okay I know I might sound dramatic but I can't help it"_

_"please answer me"_

Raph's eyes felt heavy already. He was going to have to find a way to make it up to her in the future. He pulled up his keyboard.

_I'm okay, I'm safe. Please don't worry. I'm fine._

_"you can't tell me to not worry, i don't even know where you are"_

_I'm sorry_

_"as long as you're safe it kinda eases my nerves. are you gonna tell me where you are at least?"_

_...can knowing I'm okay be enough?_

_"raph i don't know but if you don't wanna tell me, fine. you could have told me you were going to do this instead of leaving me in the dark"_

_I only had the idea late at night.. I know it's selfish of me and really stupid to do this, but I need to figure out what's going on with me before I go back_

_"..okay, i understand that. do you not want to talk about it?"_

_I don't really know what else to say. Just telling you that I'm not feeling good is already making me feel bad. I feel myself putting up walls and I don't want to put you through that. I need to sort this out on my own._

_"okay, okay, just please be as safe as you can, and if it's not too much to ask, every day you're not here, can you just send a text telling me you're alive?"_

_I can do that. It's the least I can do. I'm sorry for putting you through this. I really am_

_"what do i tell the others?"_

_You can tell them the truth if you want to_

_"do you want me to do that"_

_I don't really know.. it's your decision_

_"i don't know either raph, but i guess i'll try to think of something.. i don't want them to worry, especially mikey, after things between donnie and leo are starting to get better. do you know how long you'll be away?"_

_No I don't_

* * *

 

April was about to send another message when she felt someone behind her. She tried composing herself, not wanting to worry anyone. She turned around and slid her T-Phone in her pocket, giving a tired-looking Mikey a small smile. "Hey, Mikey, what's up?"

"Have you seen Raph?" Mikey asked, his doe-eyes giving April a pain in her chest. "I can't find him anywhere."

April bit her lip, trying to think of something. "He, uh... oh yeah, he told me he was going to go into the woods for a few days to scout out the area."

"Alone? Without back-up?"

"Remember when we thought Donnie and Casey had been captured the other day? We talked and he said he would go check out the woods to see if there was anything out there. It's been in the back of his mind since then, and he really wanted to be sure that we were safe. I asked him if he wanted me or one of you guys to go with him, but he insisted that he could handle it on his own. Plus he didn't want to worry the others, especially Donnie and Leo since they're starting to get along again. I told him to send me daily messages just so that I could know if he was okay or not."

Mikey looked dumbfounded. He stood there for a couple of minutes, just staring out into the woods. Mikey sighed and fixated his gaze on April. "He's gonna send you texts every day?" April nodded. Mikey looked uneasy, but given that he had no other information, he had no choice but to trust this claim. "...alright." Mikey looked away. It felt too off, but it wasn't like there were any other reasons for Raph to be gone. "Okay, well, everyone else was looking for you two, so I guess you can tell them what's going on."

April nodded, trying to keep calm. "Okay." She followed Mikey to the house, shutting the door behind them. They stepped into the kitchen, where the rest of the guys were huddled. They turned their attention to Mikey and April, some relief washing over their faces.

"Red, we were worried aboutcha," Casey started. "You okay?"

"I'm safe," April replied.

"...where's Raph?" Leo asked, making April's nerves creep up again. "What's going on?"

"Raph went to scout out the woods. He's been thinking about it ever since we had that scare the other day, so he wanted to make sure we were safe and hidden. He said he might be a couple of days, but that he'd send me a message every day to let me know he was safe and let me know how things were going." 

"Without back-up?" 

April was feeling the pressure. "He insisted he would be fine, and he didn't want to stop your training. Trust me, I'll be keeping up with him. He might only have his phone on in the early hours and turn it off to reserve his battery so that he can keep me updated."

Leo shrunk back into the chair he was sitting in. He sighed. "...okay, I guess," Leo mumbled, resting his head in one of his palms. "He said he'd help me with my training. It'll feel weird without him by my side."

"Don't worry, bro, you've got us," Mikey insisted, stepping up to Leo and giving his brother a sweet and reassuring smile. "We'll help ya as much as we can."

Leo smiled back, feeling a little more at ease by Mikey's words. "Thanks, Mikey." Leo turned to look at Donnie. "Should we start now then?"

Donnie smiled, nodding. "Sure, what do you want to do first?"

"Weights seem the easiest for now, so we can start with that maybe?"

"No problem," Donnie replied. "Let me go get some dumbbells then." 

Everyone started to disperse, so April took it upon herself to do the same, semi-rushing to the bathroom so that she could be alone. She released the breath she was holding in, lifting her hand to her forehead. She was so stressed out, and it was definitely getting to her. How she didn't reveal her facade is a mystery to her. When she felt somewhat less stressed out, she pulled out her T-Phone and saw that there were three messages from Raph.

_Everything okay? Well, I mean, besides me stressing you out, I mean_

_I'm gonna turn off my phone in a few minutes so that my battery doesn't die, just letting you know_

_Alright, I'm turning it off. Stay safe, and try not to worry too much. I'll be okay, and I'll send you another message tomorrow. Whatever you told them, just know that... thanks for helping me out even when I don't want you to. Love ya and I know you'll do great looking after everyone. I know you might be mad at me, but you can tell me how you're feeling whenever. So, yeah, I'm uh turning off my phone now, I guess. Talk to ya tomorrow._

April felt some stress come back again. That text was just sent a couple of seconds ago... she quickly sent something, wanting to see if he had turned it off yet.

_"Raph wait is your phone still on?"_

After a couple of minutes with no reply, she sighed, turning off her screen. _'Shit.'_ She slid the phone in her pocket, disappointed that she didn't get to talk to Raph more. What if he needed to say something else? What if he-- _'April, he's off because he has to deal with his feelings.. he did that because he neglected them, and if you keep this up, you'll end up in that same position. Try to focus on yourself somehow... it's all you can do right now.'_ She took the chance to freshen up, trying to collect herself as much as she could before she stepped out of the bathroom. She immediately bumped into someone on her way up, stumbling back a bit. She felt an arm go around her, helping her regain her balance. 

"Sorry, Red, didn't know you were in there," Casey said, letting her go as she was back up on both feet. "You good?"

"Yeah, I was just washing my face," April replied, giving Casey a smile. "It's all yours." Casey snickered, stepping in the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. April went down the stairs, going for the kitchen to grab some water. Her eyes landed on Mikey, who had his head propped on top of his arms. "What's wrong? Aren't you going to help Leo with his training?"

"They haven't started yet."

"Oh, alright." April walked to the fridge, opening it and looking for some water. She grabbed a bottle of mineral water, shutting the fridge door. She glanced back at Mikey, seeing a strange expression on his face. "...Mikey, what's wrong?"

Mikey glanced up at her, then looked away. "I'm gonna tell ya somethin'." 

"Okay, what is it?"

"I know you're lying. About where Raph is." April tensed up a bit, but tried to stay calm. "He wouldn't go scout the woods alone. The other guys mighta bought it, but I don't. You don't have to tell me what's going on if it's secret, but you know I was worried about him."

April set aside her mineral water. "I know, I just... I didn't want to worry you."

Mikey gave her a pity smile. "You... kinda failed. I know you're tryna look out for everyone, but I knew something was up. I'm not mad or anything, I just wanna know the truth. Or as much as ya can tell me, at least. Do you know where he is?"

"I don't. He wouldn't tell me."

"Do ya know how long he'll be gone?"

"No. I don't know much except that he said that he needs to sort out his feelings. He isn't sure what's going on with him and he said he needed to figure it out by himself."

Mikey sighed. "I guess he went to go work on his feelings before they got worse. That's good, at least." Mikey stood up, walking over to April. "Just lemme know how he's doing whenever he talks to ya, please? I... I wanna know how he's holdin' up." April nodded, giving Mikey a small smile. "I know you're hurting too, so if ya needa talk about it, I'm here."

April sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Maybe later. Right now, I'm just... trying to pass the time, I guess. And the same goes for you-- about talking about stuff."

Mikey smiled. "Sure thing." Someone started calling Mikey's name from another room, startling Mikey for a moment. "Hm, guess they're ready. You wanna come help out? It'll help pass the time."

"Sure, I'm just gonna drink this really quick." Mikey nodded, giving her one last smile before leaving the kitchen. She drank the mineral water quickly, sighing and trying to prepare herself to go in the other room. She pulled out her T-Phone, opening the messages between her and Raph. She didn't know why she wanted to, but she sent a text on how things were going so far.

_"I told everyone that you went to scout the woods to see if we were safe since the other night. They bought it, but Mikey didn't. I told him what's really going on, and he just wants to know that you're okay. I'm about to go support Leo's training. I feel weird lying to them... I guess I could have told them the truth... anyways, I'm trying my best to take care of myself through all of this. I might talk about how I feel with Mikey later on, I dunno. I'll keep you updated. Maybe knowing how things are going will sort of help ease your nerves about our safety? So, yeah. Hope you're safe"_

April slid her phone in her back pocket, finally going to the living room with the others. She took a seat on one of the couch chairs, watching as Donnie gave Leo some 10 pound dumbbells. Leo lifted them a bit shakily at first, but quickly grew accustomed to them. April smiled, pleased with his progress.

After a few minutes, Leo sighed and dropped his arms. "Can we kick this up a notch? This is kind of underwhelming."

"Are you sure?" Donnie asked. Leo nodded enthusiastically. Donnie sighed, rolling his eyes with a small smile on his face. "Fine, I guess I can give you 15 pounders."

"Thaaaaaaank yoooooooou," Leo sang innocently. 

"Quit stealing my technique, Leo," Mikey pestered. "I only have so many techniques, dude."

Leo chuckled. "Sorry. I just need something more challenging."

"Don't push yourself, though, bro," Casey warned. "You got other things to do today, y'know."

"I know," Leo smiled. "That's why I'm trying to get this over with."

"Alright, let's step it up," Donnie interrupted, handing Leo some 15 pound dumbbells. Leo grabbed them firmly, his arms dropping for a second. Noticing this, Donnie became a bit worried. "You got it?"

Leo lifted the weights up, nodding. "Yeah, yeah. I guess 15 pounds is where I should start every day then." Leo started lifting them, slowly adjusting to them. 

"C'mon, Leo, ya got this," Mikey encouraged. 

Leo gave a small smile. "Y-yeah, thanks." Clearly it was giving him a workout since it worked up a sweat in just the span of 10 minutes. 

April, seeing Leo's body tense up and his face tightening, stood up from the couch chair and went over to Leo. She grabbed the dumbbells, taking them out of his hands. Leo looked up, giving her a confused look. "10 minutes is enough for now. Don't strain yourself so early on." Leo didn't feel like stopping, but he knew she was right. He felt weak and pathetic for not being able to handle 15 pounds. "Listen, I know you're not feeling so confident now, but you have to be patient with this. You're still recovering and now you're training, so you have to carefully pace yourself. I bet soon you'll be throwing those 15 pounders across the room to grab 30 pounders. This will fly by, I promise. Just be patient, okay?"

Leo took in her words, then showed a small smile. "...alright, I'll... try keeping that in mind."

"Alrighty, bro, ya wanna do laps next or katas?" Mikey asked, bouncing up onto his feet. Not wanting Leo to get in a funk, he tried pushing for the next activity. 

"Hm, what do you think, Mikey?" Leo asked.

"Knowing you, I think you'd wanna do laps first, then katas, 'cause ya find katas relaxing usually. Ooh, ooh, then we could do some meditation! That always helps ya ease your senses, too, right?"

Leo chuckled a bit. "I think we should do just that. You're gonna do them with me, right?"

"If ya want me to, bro, sure," Mikey replied. "Donnie, Casey, ya gotta do 'em too."

"Why?" They asked in unison.

"Raph's out there protectin' us, so we gotta keep up our workouts to protect the house! Besides, you two have been kinda lazy for a while, ya kinda needa gain some muscle."

"Hey!" They both shrieked. "We're fit!"

Leo got a big laugh out of their reactions, prompting a smile from April and Mikey.

"Suuuuuure, you tell yourselves that. Let's go already!" Mikey grabbed Leo's hand, helping him up from the couch carefully. They all helped Leo onto his feet, leading him out the front door. "We can have ya do laps from one end of the front to the other, yeah?"

"Just the front yard, back and forth should be fine," Donnie replied.

"Race ya," Casey shouted suddenly, slapping Donnie's shell as he ran past him.

"What the-- Casey!" Donnie quickly caught up to Casey, meeting up with him at one end of the front yard. "Mikey, be our count-down!"

Mikey chuckled, helping Leo down the steps. "Fine. Readysetgo!" Mikey yelled quickly, throwing them off and laughing along with Leo as they scrambled to run ahead of each other. Mikey and Leo finally reached an end of the house, waiting for Donnie and Casey to tire themselves out.

April chuckled, watching from the porch as she leaned on the wooden railing. She pulled out her T-Phone once again, sending an update to Raph.

_"So Leo lifted some weights for half an hour, and I guess for now 15 pounds is his limit. He got bummed out for a minute but we got him in the spirit again, and now I'm watching Casey and Donnie race each other for no reason. Mikey joked that they were out of shape and now they're trying to prove that they're not. Things are going okay here, and Donnie and Leo are having a lot of fun so far. Whenever Donnie and Casey are tired out, we're gonna see how many laps Leo can do for now. Mikey's holding up the best he can, too. I'm kind of having fun watching them goof around. Text ya soon"_

"April, get down here!" Mikey yelled.

April smiled, sliding her T-Phone back in her pocket. "Coming, coming." She skipped down the stairs, joining Leo's side. While Mikey was watching Donnie and Casey make a fool of themselves, Leo leaned over a bit to April. Noticing this, April gave him a quick smile. "Having fun?"

Leo smiled a bit, nodding. "Stop me if I'm getting too intrusive, but who are you texting?"

"Oh, I'm leaving Raph messages every now and then telling him what we're up to, just to ease his nerves. I know he might be worried about us, so I'm leaving him occasional messages for him to read whenever he gets the chance to read them."

Leo smiled again, more genuine this time. "That's sweet of you. I'm sure that'll help him feel more okay." Leo shifted his gaze to Donnie and Casey, who were spewing insults at each other. "I hope he's okay."

April looked at the guys now too. "Me too."

"Alright, Leo, you ready?" Mikey asked, grabbing their attention. "How do you wanna do this?"

"Hmm, give me a time frame."

"Okay, uh..." Mikey thought for a moment. "I guess a minute? Maybe 2?"

Leo's face soured a bit. "Ouch."

"Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean it like--"

Leo laughed a bit. "No, it's okay. Let's see how it goes. Time me, okay?" Mikey nodded, pulling out his T-Phone. "Tell me when."

"1... 2... 3... go!" 

Leo grabbed a firm hold of his crutches, then dashed across the yard as fast as he could. Once he reached the other end of the house, he turned around and dashed back to where the others were waiting for him. Once he finally reached there, he took a moment to catch his breath. "What's my time?"

Mikey shifted a bit. "2 minutes, 6 seconds." Leo sighed, a bit frustrated at himself. "Don't stress over it, bro. I bet ya it's the crutches. Once you've run a couple, you'll be a bit faster with them, and whenever your leg is okay enough for you to put weight on it, you'll be beating all of us to the finish line!"

Leo rolled his eyes, a smile slipping out. "C'mon, Mikey--"

"You know it's true," April added on. "In no time, you'll be running circles around us, just like you used to do oh so easily."

"You made everything look easy," Donnie butted in. Leo was starting to get a bit embarrassed now. "Leo, don't be so modest. You used to be so cocky about it."

"Donnie," Leo laughed nervously. "You're making me sound like a jerk."

"That ain't even it, dude, you were just super good at like, basically everythin'," Casey said, slapping a hand on Leo's shoulder. "We're all waitin' for your cocky side to show back up."

Leo laughed a bit more, rolling his eyes. "Thanks guys. I'm gonna do 4 more laps, then we can take a break, 'cause I'm kinda hungry."

"Good, 'cause I was getting a bit hungry too," Donnie replied. "I'll run alongside you, if that's alright."

Leo nodded. "If you don't mind speed walking, sure," Leo joked, getting ready to run again. Donnie laughed a bit, and they set off when Mikey called it. After their laps were done, they all went to the kitchen, grabbing some drinks to get them ready for food. "What's there to eat?"

"Your potato is still in the fridge if you want it, Leo," Mikey said, sifting through the fridge.

"I don't mean to be picky, but I don't feel like eating a potato," Leo sighed. "Sorry, Mikey, I know it took you a while to prepare that potato..."

"Don't be, bro, don't make yourself eat somethin' ya don't want. Anyone want it?"

"Dibs," Casey immediately called. "What else ya gonna make?"

"I don't really know yet... ooh, actually, there's somethin' I've been wantin' to try! What sounds better--- plantains or a rice dish? Fair warning, plantains might be a safer bet."

"Plantains," everyone replied.

Mikey frowned a bit. "Fine, I'll experiment another time. Alright, I'll make fried plantains then. It shouldn't take too long. I heard it's pretty good with sour cream or sugar? I dunno, but I'll start cooking." Mikey grabbed everything he needed, then started cooking. The smell itself was enough to get everyone's stomachs rumbling. It just made the wait seem even longer. Finally, the plantains were ready, and everyone ate their shares. They all loved it so much that they demanded more, which Mikey was happy to hear. Whipping up some more, April took the time to send Raph an update.

_"Laps went okay. Leo's going to try to finish each lap under a time frame of 2 minutes. He was down for a bit but we cheered him up again, even got him embarrassed. We're eating right now, and Mikey made fried plantains, which are really good. He mentioned something about sugar and sour cream? I might try it, it sounds tempting. Anyways, things are still okay. I'm feeling genuinely okay for once, but things aren't the same without you. Miss you. I'll send another update soon"_

The time had been flying by for April, and she was having a good time. She made sure to try to check in with herself every now and then, and to update Raph. For some reason, updating him was helping her mood go up a bit. It felt kind of odd, but it was nice. Every time something happened, she sent a text.

_"Leo and the guys are doing katas right now, and Leo looks pretty relaxed, which is a great sight. I wish you could see how carefree he looks. There's like, no awkwardness between him and Donnie now. I'm sure, soon enough, they'll be talking to each other about what they need to talk about. I think I'm not as stressed as I used to feel. I think they're about to meditate now. Text ya after"_

_"Meditation went well. I thought Leo was relaxed before, but he looks at peace right now, it kinda makes me wanna cry lmao. The guys meditated with Leo, and they looked pretty chill, too. I guess doing things with Leo put everyone in a better mood. I think Leo feels like he has a place within the group again, like you could see him slowly expressing more of himself. They're about to play some more video games now I think, text ya soon"_

_"Gaming lasted longer than expected, but Mikey made some new rice dish that sounded kind of weird at first, but tasted pretty good. It's rice in milk--- like rice pudding, I guess?--- but it was made on the stove, and he used cinnamon bark. It was really really good. Mikey keeps looking at the empty seat where you should be, and I'm doing my best to keep his spirits up. We all miss you. Hope things are okay, text ya later"_

It was 11 at night when the guys finally set down their controllers. April left the living room and went to the kitchen, wanting to snack on something. She rummaged through the fridge, deciding to just have some soda. She shut the fridge door and was about to send another message when Mikey came in, yawning quietly. "Is it your bed time?"

Mikey smiled a bit tiredly. "Eh. All the fun made me tired--- spent my energy quicker than usual, and all we did was mess around. Guess I'm outta shape."

"You're still fit, don't worry," April replied, giving him a smile. "Want some soda?"

"Sure." Mikey sat at the table, rubbing his hands over his face, then resting his head in his hands. 

April, sitting down, reached a hand out and placed it on top of Mikey's hands. "You wanna spill?"

"Don't get me wrong, I've really been having fun, but I've just been thinking about Raph all day. I dunno how to really explain it, but uh, have ya ever worried about other people more than yourself so much, and then when you get time to yourself, you feel like, really down? Like, not hungry, not energetic, not... anythin', I guess. I feel bad about it whenever I feel like this, 'cause I wanna do what I can to help everyone, but sometimes, I just want to feel like someone really cares about how I feel. And I know everyone here does, but it's like... my heart doesn't feel like it. I dunno. It's just," Mikey sighed, sounding defeated. "I'm a bad person for feeling like this, but I can't stop."

"If you're a bad person for feeling those things, then Raph and I are bad people, too."

Mikey lifted his head a bit. "What? No you're not."

"That's why Raph went off on his own. Those things you're feeling? Raph feels like that too. He and I both do. You, him and I... we've been so worried about the others for so long and haven't really looked after ourselves. Sure, we eat and sleep the amount we need to and do basic things, but we spend all our energy looking after everyone else, and when we have a chance to look after ourselves, we worry instead and use up that energy even more. I've felt bad about it too, I still kinda do... so does Raph. But I realized that we're just using all our energy on others and not on ourselves, and as a result, we just... shut down sometimes. We shouldn't toss our feelings away like we've been doing. We gotta try to balance our energy on others and ourselves. It's okay to need a break sometimes. That's what Raph's doing. He knows what he needs to do, and he's doing his best to try to take care of himself."

Mikey looked hurt after hearing all that. "...I didn't know you two felt like that, too." Mikey wiped roughly at his eyes, sighing again. "...let's make a deal."

"What do you mean?"

"When one of us is about to shut down, we tell each other. Or when we really needa talk, we'll talk, no matter what. We gotta look after each other and make sure we tell each other to look after ourselves. I wanna do my best to help, but I'm tired of feeling like this whenever I try to help."

April smiled meekly. "Me too, Mikey. We can try that. Do you need a break, then?"

Mikey shrugged. "Maybe. Do you need one? Do you wanna talk about somethin'?"

April shrugged now. "You took the words right out of my mouth. I think what's helping is seeing everyone starting to feel okay again, and knowing that Donnie and Leo are comfortable around each other now. But I know I need to actually take care of myself. I'm feeling neutral right now. What about you?"

Mikey laughed a bit sadly. "I feel like I'm about to breakdown."

"Take tomorrow as time for yourself. Me, Donnie, Leo and Casey will be okay. I'll check up on you every now and then. Use the spare bedroom as your space, okay?" Mikey nodded, rubbing his face again. "Don't feel bad for needing a break from everyone and everything. I know that drained and exhausting feeling. If you need something from me, tell me."

"But now that I know you feel like this, too, I don't wanna burden ya..."

"I promise you aren't. I'll tell you when I need a break, I promise. But that's not now. I'm feeling okay right now." Mikey looked at her intently, then nodded. "I'll go tell the guys to give you space tomorrow." April got up, walking to Mikey's side and placing a gentle kiss on top of his head. "Go upstairs, get an early rest."

"Thanks, April," Mikey mumbled, smiling a bit now. He stood up, heading for the stairs. April walked beside him, giving him a soft smile as he went upstairs. "Night."

"Night, Mikey." April went into the living room, where she saw Casey sleeping in the chair Raph usually sat in. She smiled a bit, noticing that Donnie had dozed off on the other couch chair. She saw Leo was starting to doze off, looking relaxed. Deciding she would tell them tomorrow, she turned to exit the room.

"Night, April," Leo yawned, smiling as she turned around with a surprised look on her face. "Sorry, didn't mean to spook ya."

"Suuuure," April replied, chuckling as Leo gave her a tired smile. "Did you have a good time today?" Leo nodded, closing his eyes. "You feeling more comfortable around Donnie now?"

Leo opened his eyes now. "Yeah, it's really nice now. Things feel normal, like nothing was ever wrong. I think pretty soon, I'll be able to work up the courage to tell him all the stuff I need to."

"I'm glad to hear that," April whispered. "Alright, get some rest. You'll need it for tomorrow if you wanna beat the records you set for yourself, for some reason."

"I have my reasons," Leo joked, yawning again. "Night, April, sleep well."

"You too, Leo, night, love ya." April walked out of the room, heading upstairs. She went to the bathroom, then went into the available bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She plopped down on the bed, burying herself under the blankets to get warm. Feeling comfortable, she was about to turn in when she remembered that she needed to update Raph. She pulled out her T-Phone.

_"So, guess what? Mikey feels the same as we do. He just told me everything he's been feeling, and I guess he was about to breakdown. We talked about it and I told him he should take the time tomorrow to try to start looking after himself. He's really worried about you, but I'm gonna make sure he tries to look after himself. He was a little sad to hear that we feel the same as he does, but I told him that he should try focusing on himself for now and that I'd check up on him. Anyways, everyone turned in early tonight, like it's not even midnight and they all went to sleep. It was a good day today. Still missing you, though. I'm gonna try my best to look after myself tomorrow like you and Mikey. Guess we all needed to tune in with ourselves, huh? Also, this might sound weird, but sending you these messages has kind of helped me. Did I say that earlier? I'm not sure, but I'll say it again anyways. I hope you sleep well, know you're loved and cared about, and hope you're safe. Also hope you're starting to figure out your feelings. Good night, Raph."_

 


	19. Two Soon Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

April's texts: _"text here"_ | Raph's texts: _text here_ | Mikey's texts: 'text here'

* * *

The sun shining directly on his face, Raph tried turning around and going back to sleep, but since he was so bothered already, he decided to just wake up. He took a couple of minutes to finally sit up. He managed to find some shelter last night, having checked around the area before deciding to set camp for the night. He reached for his bag and pulled out a small snack, calling it breakfast. He stood up and stepped outside, seeing that the sky was orange-pinkish. _'Hm, guess it's 6am,'_ Raph thought to himself. He decided to check for himself, pulling out his T-Phone and turning it on. Knowing it was going to take a minute or two to turn on, he slid it in his belt. Not long after it turned on, it kept vibrating, which immediately got his attention. Was his T-Phone suddenly broken? Was someone trying to call him? _'Nah, they'd all be asleep by now...'_ He pulled it back out, surprised as he saw the amount of messages that were on his screen. Thinking the worst case scenario, he quickly unlocked his phone and opened the messages, his racing heart slowing down as his bad thoughts were proven wrong.

He read the update messages April had sent him, smiling every now and then at them. He was glad to know that things were going alright and that Leo's training went okay, as well. He felt bad that he was missing out on Leo's training- - after all, he told Leo he would be there for him... Raph re-read the last message, his attention fixated on the last couple of lines:

_"...Also, this might sound weird, but sending you these messages has kind of helped me. Did I say that earlier? I'm not sure, but I'll say it again anyways. I hope you sleep well, know you're loved and cared about, and hope you're safe. Also hope you're starting to figure out your feelings. Good night, Raph."_

First off, he was glad to know that the updates were helping her feel better along with his. He kept reading the line of him being loved and cared about. He hadn't ever outright been told that, not often as he thought, at least. It made him feel a little better and like someone genuinely cared for the first time in a while. But had he begun to figure out his feelings yet? Certainly he knew why he was feeling the way he was, but he hadn't yet explored them in-depth... He took a deep breath, finally texting back.

_Glad to hear the day went okay and that Leo's training is going good, too. I feel kinda bad that I'm not at his side, I told him I would be... I'll have to make it up to him somehow. Thanks for the updates, they're kinda helpin' me feel a lil more relaxed. Tell Mikey I miss him too and that I want him to try to take care of himself today. I'ma send him a text just so he can read it; I know it'd mean a lot to him. I kinda expect him to be mad since I left without sayin' bye.. I know those kinda things get him irked. And I'm real happy that somethin's helpin' ya feel okay. N tell everyone I miss 'em._

Raph sent the message to April, then opened up his messages with Mikey.

_Hey, bro, April told me how you're doin'.. if I woulda known, I woulda tried to help ya, lil bro. I'm sorry, I hope you take today to try to learn how to take care of yourself. Nd I know ya must be mad at me for leavin' and not sayin' anything.. I didn't know what to do, it just happened and I didn't think of anything else other than gettin' outta there. I really do love and care about ya, Mikey, even if sometimes you think I don't. I do, don't forget that, alright? Take it easy on yourself_

Raph was about to slide his T-Phone back into his belt when it vibrated. _'Who's up at this time?..'_ Raph unlocked his phone and was surprised to see Mikey's name.

'don't worry about me, bro! how is it out there? are you ok?'

_Why are ya up so early?_

'i asked you smthn first :p'

Raph rolled his eyes, smiling a bit.

_Ha ha, fine. N' y'know better than to tell me not to worry, dork. It's alright out here, really quiet tho. I'm safe, don't worry._

'that's not what i meant, dude'

Whatcha mean?

'i meant how are ya feelin', dummy'

_Oh. Uh, I dunno really, I guess a lil better than I have lately? Kinda lonely tho_

'that's good at least, n don't worry, when ya come back, i'll annoy ya like i always do!'

_I'll be ready for that haha. Hey, can I ask ya somethin'?_

'sure bro!'

 _Are you mad at me?_ Mikey hadn't replied for a couple of minutes, prompting some worry from Raph. _Mikey, I asked ya two questions and you're dodgin' em._

'i haven't slept'

_1) why not? 2) where's answer number two_

'i dunno, i just can't sleep'

_Mikey, if you don't wanna tell me what's goin' on, that's fine and I get it, but don't hold it in_

'i don't wanna make you feel more bad'

_Don't worry about that, Mikey_

'you're just saying that'

_No, I'm not, promise_

'you sure? 'cause uh it's kinda a lot'

_I'm sure_

'...alright, first off, i'm not mad at ya. i mean, i was at first, but i was mostly mad at myself for being mad 'cause i felt like i was just bein' stupid, so no, i'm not mad at ya, i'm mad at me. and i can't sleep 'cause my brain's bein' mean to me. it's been like that a lot for a while. and i don't mean recently, i mean for like.. a long time. i'm annoyin, i don't ever help, i'm stupid, i don't really contribute to anything, i'm just here. and even though i feel like that, i don't let it show 'cause everyone always comes to me when they're feelin' down. i feel like all i'm really good for is people to vent to, which is kinda okay bc they feel like they can tell me things they won't tell anyone else, but like.. that's all i can do good at. everyone kinda looks to me to have fun and goof around and cheer them up, and it's nice, but that's all they think of me as, just kinda like a.. like a release, i guess. like i love makin' you guys feel better, but it feels like other than helping you all feel better, you just kinda shrug me off any other time. if i say somethin's botherin' me, i'm always scared you guys will be like "whatever mikey, you'll get over it" or only listen to what i gotta say just to get it over with or as just like, a formality, and i know thats not the case, but i cant help feelin like it is. i always gotta be the happy and silly one. i cant let my real feelings show bc i wanna try to keep everyone happy even in the hardest times, like now, but keepin it all has been hurtin me for a long time and i dunno how to try to take care of myself bc im always worried about everyone else and i always distract myself whenever a bad feelings happens so that i dont have to do anything about it but its been like this for a while and im just really tired and i dont really care anymore like sure im kinda scared tellin you all this but like i dont know what saying how i feel is gonna make me feel better, all its gonna do is make me feel more bad cause now youre gonna feel bad that ive been feelin like this and that you never knew and thats just making me feel guilty but i kinda deserve that i guess anyways yeah thats basically it and it doesn't really matter so dont worry about me'

* * *

When Raph didn't answer, Mikey just sighed, his eyes growing heavier. "...can't really blame him," Mikey muttered to himself, turning off his phone and setting it aside. He knew he shouldn't have said anything, he should've just said that he wasn't feeling okay but that he'd be okay soon. He should've been there for Raph, not turned the spotlight on himself and be selfish, like always. He was tired as all shell, but his mind was so active, it wouldn't let him experience the sweet bliss of slumber. Mikey just tucked himself more into the blankets and stared at nothing, hoping soon, he'd be able to sleep. He got lost in space at some point, unaware of his surroundings.

Raph kept running, no matter how heavy his legs felt. He didn't care about how fast his heart was racing, how out of breath he was. He wasn't going to stop running until he got there. He was sweating, panting, tripping at certain points in his sprint. He didn't even slow down when he approached the farm house, he only went faster. Once he reached the steps, he stopped, collecting himself and getting ready to go into stealth mode. He took a deep breath and quietly opened the door, being careful of his weight and balance as he stepped on the wooden floorboards. He peeked around the corner of the doors of the living room. He saw Casey, Leo and Donnie all resting peacefully. He went upstairs, quietly opening the door to the first bedroom. Once he saw April sleeping, he closed the door and went to the spare bedroom, holding his breath as he opened it. His heart leapt a bit when he found Mikey laying there. Raph stepped in and shut the door behind him quietly, slowly approaching his brother. Raph knelt down in front of Mikey's face, noticing how drained Mikey looked.

"Mikey," Raph whispered as quietly as he could. When Mikey didn't instantly reply, Raph hesitantly laid a hand on top of Mikey's head. Not pulling his hand back when Mikey jumped a bit, Raph watched as Mikey's eyes landed on him. Mikey's face looked surprised and confused, then sad. "What's wrong?"

"...are you actually here, or is this just my brain thinkin' you're here?"

Raph smiled a bit sadly at that. "I'm really here, bro. Let's go."

"Go? Go where?"

"You're comin' with me."

Mikey slowly sat up, watching as Raph started gathering things around the room. "...what are ya doin'?"

"I'm grabbin' things for ya." Raph walked over to the bed and set down the things he had gathered onto the bed. "Sit tight." Raph left the room for a few minutes, then returned with some snacks and water bottles. He grabbed a towel and started creating a makeshift bag for Mikey. Mikey was still processing everything that was going on. Once Raph finished, he looked up at Mikey. "Don't worry. Once we get to where I hid out, you can sleep."

"You're serious about taking me with you?"

"Yeah," Raph replied, sounding a bit puzzled. "Why wouldn't I be? You think I'm messin' with ya?"

"No, I just... I thought you wanted to get away from everyone... from me."

Raph's face softened, and he sat next to Mikey. "I'm sorry I made you feel like that. That's not what it is at all. I just wanted to figure out what was goin' on with me, and if I was still here, I don't think I'd be able to find out. I only went away to figure it out with no distractions so that I wouldn't try to push my feelings aside anymore like I had been." Raph looked at Mikey, scanning his face. "What else is botherin' ya?"

"I don't wanna worry the guys... I don't wanna worry April. She's struggling too, I don't wanna leave her alone here."

"I get that, but it really seems like you needa get away from here, even if just for one day. I'm sure she'd want ya to do somethin' that'd help ya."

"I dunno, Raph..."

"I won't force ya, Mikey. If you don't wanna come with me, I get it."

"I... I do," Mikey mumbled. "I do."

Raph gave Mikey a smile. "Then let's go."

They quietly gathered everything else Mikey wanted to bring, then left the house. Mikey looked behind once as they started running into the woods, turning his head back around after a moment to look forward. Once they reached Raph's hiding place, Raph insisted Mikey went in and get some rest since he hadn't slept yet. Mikey got comfortable and was about to finally sleep when one thought popped into his mind: ' _text April.'_ Mikey pulled out his T-Phone, sending her a message, thinking it was the least he could do since he just left her.

'hey, i don't mean to make you worry more.. that's not gonna ease your nerves, heh, sorry.. uhm, i'm with raph. i'll come back tomorrow, i promise, but uh, i guess i just needa be outta the house for a day. i'm really sorry that i just left you alone, i get it if you're mad. but i promise i'll be back tomorrow, i really do. i know you'll handle things great there! ..sorry again, sorry, love you and i will be back tomorrow, swearsies.'


	20. Phase 4: Limits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hm. i'm horrible (you'll see why)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

April's texts: _"text here"_ | Raph's texts: _text here_

* * *

Raph watched as the colors of the sky changed over a course of a few hours, keeping guard of his sleeping brother. He occasionally checked on Mikey, seeing how he was doing. It was around 10am when his T-Phone vibrated, and he knew April was awake now. He hesitantly unlocked his phone, feeling like she'd be mad at him for taking Mikey all of a sudden.

_"Are you two safe?"_

_You're not mad?_

_"It wouldn't have killed you to wake me up and tell me what was going on, but not really. Is Mikey okay? Why did you take him? What happened?"_

_He might kill me for doing this, but I'll just send ya the text he sent me._ Raph sent it, waiting for a response.

_"..holy crap... I don't even know what to say to that"_

_I didn't either. I just ran to go get him. I just felt like if I didn't do something, something bad would happen. I wasn't gonna risk it. I'm really sorry, I should've brought you too. I was just really worried about him and my only priority was getting him outta there and bringing him with me so I could watch over him._

_"No, no, I get it. I mean he told he was near a breakdown, but I didn't know that it was to that extent.. is he alright?"_

_He's sleeping right now. He didn't sleep, so I made sure he went to sleep when we got here._

_"That's good. I'll make sure to watch him when he comes back tomorrow."_

_Tomorrow?_

_"He told me- - well he kept insisting that he promised that he'd be back tomorrow. He said he felt bad for leaving me alone here"_

_He's such a worry wart.. alright, thanks April. How are you doing?_

_"Eh, time will tell lol no but really, while I'm worried about you guys, I'm gonna try to do those things I read that sorta help lift moods in times like this and see if it helps. Kinda like an experiment day I guess. How about you?"_

_I'm still tryna figure that out, but a little better than before. I think this dumb idea of mine is kinda workin' maybe_

_"Well if it's working, it's not dumb haha that's good to hear. I think the guys are waking up now, I should go tell them about Mikey, I guess.."_

_What are you gonna tell them?_

_"I'm gonna tell them the truth. I can't really say 'hey Raph wanted to do it solo oops never mind he took Mikey all of a sudden' they'll be really suspicious, so might as well tell them the truth. I don't know how that'd make Leo and Donnie feel, but.. I don't really know what good lying will do at this point."_

_Lemme help ya out._

_"What do you mean?"_

_I'm gonna call ya and explain it to them instead. I don't want ya takin' the heat for my idea. It wouldn't be fair. Just call me when you're with them._

April took a deep breath, leaving her room and going down the stairs and into the living room. She pulled up Raph's contact and dialed his number as she saw that all three of the guys were now awake, ready for another day. She gave them a sheepish smile as they looked at her.

"Mornin', Red," Casey smiled.

"Hey, morning guys," April replied meekly. "Sleep okay?"

"Mmmmhm," Leo moaned as he sat up and stretched his arms out. "You?"

"Slept okay." April didn't really know how to bring it up another way, so she just sighed and outright said "Mikey's gone."

Casey, Donnie and Leo immediately lost their smiles.

"What?" Donnie asked, alarmed.

"What do you mean he's gone?" Leo blurted, the worry he was feeling showing on his face.

"I'm gonna go look for him," Casey interrupted, getting up and rushing to the front door. April immediately stepped in his way, pushing him back. "Red, what are you doing? Lemme through."

"No, don't go looking for him," April replied.

"What?" Donnie stood up now, confused and seeming on edge. "Why wouldn't we go look for him? He's missing- -"

"He's fine, guys." Casey, Donnie and Leo were thrown off by the sudden muffled voice. They looked around the room, unsure of where the voice came from. April pulled out her T-Phone, lifting it up and showing Raph's face to the guys. He had decided to video call instead of just doing a regular call. "He's with me."

"Hand me the phone," Leo said, sounding a bit monotone. April walked over to him, handing him the phone. "Where is he?"

"Hold on." Raph proceeded to turn the camera and step into something, turning on the flash and showing them a sleeping Mikey. Before the light could disturb Mikey, Raph turned off the flash and exited the hiding spot, turning the camera back on himself. "He's safe, he's asleep. He said he'd come back tomorrow."

"What are you two doing?" Donnie asked, appearing behind Leo. "Did you just suddenly want to bring back up or something? I thought you were going to scout the woods alone, Raph."

"Yeah, uh, about that." Raph sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "Look, I don't want you guys to worry, but- -"

"Is somethin' really out to get us again?" Casey asked, interrupting. "Ya want me to come?"

"No- - just listen. I didn't leave to scout the woods- - I did look around though just in case, and I don't think anythin's out here to get us- - that's not my point. So basically, I... shit how do I say this... uh, I needed to get away for a little bit. I needed to figure some shit out about myself 'cause I felt myself starting to do the bad habits I used to do, like building up walls and avoiding my feelings and stuff like that. I felt kinda suffocated whenever I was alone and I just..." Raph trailed off as he saw the worried expressions on his brother's and Casey's faces. "...yeah this is kinda weird for me to say. I, uh, feel bad for just tellin' you guys what's really goin' on. But it wasn't really fair of me to leave you guys in the dark like that. And don't be mad at April, she was just lookin' out for you guys and me."

They were quiet for a minute. "Then why did you take Mikey? If you want to be alone- -" Donnie started. He stopped when he saw the uncomfortable look on Raph's face as he asked about Mikey. Raph looked away from the camera, not sure what to say. "...what's wrong with Mikey?"

Raph shut his eyes, sighing "he's gonna kill me forreal... where's April?" April appeared now, a bit confused. "...show them the message I sent ya, about... y'know."

"Oh," April breathed. "S-sure." April grabbed her phone from Leo, opening up her messages and pulling up the text Raph had sent her earlier about Mikey. She showed the guys, exiting the message once they had all read it. She pulled back up the video call with Raph and handed it back to Leo.

Raph, knowing they fully read and understood the extent of the message, looked down as he said "...yeah, guess you guys know why I brought him with me now." They didn't really reply to that, they were still pretty shocked. "Listen, when we get back, I... think we should all be real with each other. With me, April and Mikey feeling like this- -"

"What? April?" Casey looked directly at her now. "Red, you feel like that, too?"

"I..." April was clearly thrown off by the sudden spotlight on her, now feeling embarrassed. "...guess so..."

"Ease up on her, Jones," Raph said, getting his attention. "Look, we're not fully ready to talk about it. We're tryna deal with it in our own ways and it's... kinda hard to explain. It's not easy to look after our own back after not doing it for so long. We just ignored our feelings and used distractions to not deal with our problems, and it kinda came back to bite our asses. And I dunno what you're goin' through, Case, but I know somethin's bitin' ya." Donnie glanced over at Casey, who looked away as Raph said that. Donnie knew what was bothering Casey, but clearly Casey wasn't ready to explain it to anyone else. "Leo, Don, you two are gonna have to open up when I get back, too." Leo and Donnie glanced at each other, then quickly looked away. Just when things between them were just starting to feel okay again... "We're all about to lose it, and I'm not tryna go back there with everyone breaking down. It won't be easy, but it's way better than the other option. Got it? And Leo, uh..."

Leo raised a brow. "What?"

"I'm sorry. I said I was gonna be there when ya started trainin', and I really wanted to be, but... I didn't know this was gonna happen. When I get back, though, I really will train with ya. I promise. I- -" Raph was startled at something, then visibly relaxed. He said something incoherent, then bent down.

"What are you doing? Who are you- -" Leo stopped short.

"Hiiii," Mikey sang tiredly, a meek smile on his face.

"Mikey, are you okay?" April asked immediately after seeing him.

"April, I'm so sorry- -"

"Answer me, Mikey," April cut him off, sounding a bit serious. She sighed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude, I'm just worried. We all are."

Mikey drew back from the camera as April said that. "Wh-what?" Mikey looked to Raph, then back at the portion of the screen that showed April. "What did..."

April, realizing why Mikey was suddenly uncomfortable, threw a hand over her mouth. "Mikey, w-we- -"

"We?" Mikey looked back at Raph, a look of hurt on his face. "I... I told you that in confidence, Raph, what the fuck?"

Raph, clearly thrown off by the sudden vulgarity from Mikey, looked back at the camera. "I gotta go."

"Mikey, wait- -" April shouted, trying to explain, but Raph quickly ended the video call. She snatched her phone from Leo's hand, frantically sending texts to Raph and Mikey's phones. She knew there was no hope in either of them replying, but she had to at least try. She immediately left the room, panicking about the situation, leaving Casey, Donnie and Leo behind in her dust.

* * *

"Mikey, I- -"

Mikey shot up, getting in Raph's space. "You weren't supposed to tell anyone that, I wasn't even ready to tell you that but I did anyways because I trusted you! How could you just go behind my back and do that to me? I thought you, outta everyone, would understand when I didn't wanna let anyone else know and only told you because I absolutely trusted that you'd be there for me? Raph, I wasn't even fully sure I wanted to come out here with you, but I trusted that you could help me with these stupid fucking feelings I've been having for these past years, and you just straight up revealed what I wasn't ready to say!" Mikey started crying, but not in a sad way; he started crying out of anger. This was something Raph had rarely ever seen before, and it clearly threw him off even more. "I thought you'd understand that I wasn't ready to tell anyone else... I thought you understood that I just... I just needed you at my side to help me prepare to tell everyone..." Mikey's angry expression turned to sorrow for a moment, and he backed away from Raph. He looked away for a moment, and when he looked back at Raph, his angry expression had returned. "...I'm going."

"Mikey, don't," Raph said, stepping closer. Mikey stepped back, clearly not wanting to discuss the matter any further. "You have every right to be mad at me, and I deserve it, but I'm not lettin' ya leave. I knew you'd be mad, but- -"

"You _knew_? You knew and you still did it?" Mikey sardonically laughed. "You've gotta be shitting me." Mikey furiously grabbed the things Raph had packed for him earlier and started to walk away.

Raph quickly ran up behind him, trying to give Mikey his space, but there was no way in hell he was letting Mikey out of his sight. "Mikey!" Raph kept yelling behind him, trying to get him to stop. Mikey wouldn't let up. Raph, knowing he was going to regret it, caught up with Mikey and grabbed one of Mikey's wrists, making him stop. "Mikey, just li- -"

Raph was immediately cut off when Mikey brought up his free hand, his fist pounding into the side of Raph's face, making Raph tumble backwards and lose balance, falling down onto the ground. There was so much force and weight behind the punch, Raph knew instantly it was going to leave a mark. Raph held his hand up to the side of his face, breathing in sharply. Tasting blood, Raph spit it out, coughing a bit as he tried to catch his breath. Raph wanted to be mad... but he couldn't. It was deserved. He had hurt Mikey at his most vulnerable state. Raph shifted his gaze up to Mikey, who just stood there, his fist shaking.

"...feel better?" Raph genuinely asked.

Mikey started shaking more as he looked away from Raph. "...shut up," Mikey choked.

"I'm not tryna sound snarky, I was genuinely askin- -"

"...no," Mikey cut him off, his voice wavering. "...I just feel worse."

Mikey looked down at the fist that had struck his brother, and that's what broke the dam behind his eyes. He started crying violently, hiding his face in his hands. Did he really just punch his brother in the face? Did he really just intentionally make his brother feel worse even though he knew how his brother was feeling? All the bad feelings and guilt Mikey had been ignoring released in the form of tears, and it wasn't going to stop soon. He lowered himself onto the ground, feeling too weak to stand up anymore. He wasn't sure if, after this, he could ever regain himself.

Raph, feeling utterly horrible for pushing Mikey way over the edge, wasn't sure what to do. Was he supposed to comfort him? Give him space? Leave him alone? Take him back to the farm house? Just leave, like Mikey wanted him to do? Raph decided to try the first approach, getting a bit closer to Mikey. He hesitantly rest a hand on one of Mikey's shoulders. Mikey didn't move at first, but after a couple of seconds, he shrugged off Raph's hand. _'Guess he doesn't wanna be touched right now...'_ Raph sighed, really unsure of what to do here. Since he had no idea what to do next, he decided to ask.

"...do you... want me to go?" Mikey shrugged. "...do you wanna go back?" Mikey shook his head. "Do you want me to leave you alone for a little bit?" Mikey didn't respond for a couple seconds, then shook his head. "...there anything I can do?" Mikey shrugged. Raph looked away from his brother. He decided to just sit at Mikey's side, hopefully making Mikey feel less alone at a trying time like this. Mikey cried until he couldn't anymore. His sniffles started to die down until the only sound that came out of him was steady, heavy breathing. After several minutes of silence, Raph decided that he should try to say something. "...look, if you're willing to, we can... we can try to talk this through... you have every right to be mad at me, and I deserved that punch. Do you wanna talk?" Mikey didn't reply at all. "...Mikey, I know I'm pushin' my luck, but can ya try to work with me here?" Still no reply. "Mikey, c'mon, just say somethin'." Raph lightly shoved Mikey's arm, trying to get his attention.

He was a bit startled when Mikey's body fell onto the grass, still not prompting a response. Raph sat up a bit higher, looking over and sighing as he saw that Mikey was asleep. _'I legit made him cry himself to sleep... I'm a fucking shithead.'_ Raph took a deep breath as he slid his arms under his brother's body. He slowly stood up, making sure he had a firm hold around his brother as he started to carry him back to their hide out. Raph gently set Mikey down while he gathered their belongings and set it on top of Mikey, lifting him back up into his arms. _'Guess I'm goin' back earlier than expected.'_ Raph started his trek back to the farm house.


	21. The Reds Break Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"Nothin'?"

"No," April replied to Casey. "Neither of them are texting me back. What if their phones are dead? What if something happens to them, and neither of them can tell me? What if they're having the worst fight ever? I shouldn't have said anything, I was just so worried..." April choked up, clearly upset at herself. "I'm such a fucking idiot!"

Seeing that April was clearly on the brink of crying, Casey did what he knew best: he pulled her in his arms, holding her tightly. He knew she'd try to resist it, not wanting to seem weak, but he kept his hold firm and tight. "Red... just let it out."

"I just... I didn't mean to start anything..." April breathed before she started crying. She didn't vocally cry, she just wept tears and sniffled occasionally. Casey led them towards a portion of the house where she could cry in peace without anyone else seeing her and making her feel worse than she already felt. Casey didn't care how long they would be there, he just wanted to try to help April in her most trying time. They were there for a good while until April finally stopped crying. She slowly pulled back from Casey's embrace, roughly wiping away at her tear stains. She felt really embarrassed, but she was glad she had cried in the comfort of a friend.

Casey lifted his hand up to her chin, raising it a bit with his index finger so that she'd be looking at him. "I know you're feelin' kinda embarrassed, but other than that, how're ya feelin'?"

April smiled weakly. "I'll get back to you on that later," she replied. "Thanks for not... being weird about this, even though it's really embarrassing."

"I'm here for ya, Red. Always." Casey gave her a soft smile. "Y'know, it's kinda nice knowin' ya trust me enough to cry in front of me."

April laughed bashfully, pushing his hand that was under her chin away. "Shut up..."

"I'm just sayin'! Not everyone is at that level with their friends." April rolled her eyes, earning a grin from Casey. He playfully bumped his hip against hers. "C'mon, let's get ya some water. You need it after all that." April followed Casey as he led them to the kitchen. She sat at the table as Casey insisted he'd fetch water for her. Even though she had cried out a majority of her emotions, she couldn't help but to still feel guilty about Mikey's anger towards Raph. Casey set a glass of water in front of her, sitting across from her. "...somethin' still eatin' ya?"

"I just... I've never seen Mikey that angry..."

"Yeah, me neither," Casey replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "It was kinda scary. I feel kinda bad for Raph."

"I do, too. I should've let Raph tell Mikey himself, not have Mikey find out from someone else. I just wish they were here so that I could explain- -" April and Casey turned their heads as they heard a loud bang from the front of the house. They quickly glanced at each other and shot out of their chairs, running to the front. They saw Leo and Donnie there, too. "That wasn't you guys?"

"No," Leo replied. "It wasn't you two?"

April and Casey shook their heads. They were about to search for the noise when the front door flew open, the door knob slamming into the wall. They were on their guard, but somewhat relaxed when they saw Raph standing in the doorway, with Mikey in his arms. Raph, clearly set on doing something, ignored their stares and went straight for the stairs, climbing them. Raph sucked in a deep breath as he kicked open another door, entering a room and disappearing from the four teens sights. April, Casey, Donnie and Leo all shared confused and concerned glances.

"I'll go see what's up," April said, breaking the silence.

"I'll come with- -" Donnie started.

"No," April replied gently, interrupting him. "I... need to see them alone." Donnie stepped back, nodding. "Thank you." April went up the stairs, seeing that the first bedroom door was open. She carefully stepped in, shutting the door behind her. She saw as Raph was setting Mikey down onto the bed slowly and gently. She waited until Raph had set down Mikey to speak. "...is he okay?" Raph tensed up a bit, looking over his shoulder to look at April. "Sorry, I thought you heard me come in." Raph looked away, lowering his head. "...Raph, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to start anything, I was... I was just worried..." April choked up a bit again, pausing as she felt the tickle in her throat.

Raph turned back around, approaching her. "It's not your fault," Raph replied softly. "You didn't do anything wrong, April." Raph scanned her face, his heart feeling like it was being constricted. "...I'm sorry, I..." Raph sighed, looking and feeling defeated. "I fucked up. I made you and Mikey cry. Great." Raph rubbed a hand over his face, frustrated at himself.

"No, you didn't..." April stopped short as she caught sight of the large bruise on a side of Raph's face. "What happened to your face?"

"Huh?" Raph followed her line of sight, then realized. "Oh, uh, Mikey punched me."

April was confused at his casualty of saying that. "Why do you say that so casually?"

"Mm, I mean, I guess it's kinda obvious that I deserved it, isn't it? I wasn't expecting it, but I mean, I understand why he did it."

"He was that mad, huh?" April rubbed her arm.

Raph nodded, laughing a bit sadly. "I did fuck up. I told everyone something he confided to me in confidence. I hurt him at his most vulnerable state. If it were me, I'd feel the same way. Hell, I've been in that position before, so I know how he feels. I just... I don't even know why I thought telling everyone that was a good thing. I really don't remember why. I don't even think I thought it through before I did it. Fuck, what's wrong with me?" Raph shut his eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Sorry, I don't mean to lay this on you after I made you cry."

"You didn't make me cry," April said, trying to ease his nerves. "I was just so worried..."

"And that's my fault." Raph turned away from her. "I don't wanna make you more upset." He didn't know what to do other than... he brushed past April, opening the door and leaving. He rushed down the stairs and back out of the house, heading towards the woods.

April quickly went after him, ignoring the questions thrown at her from the others. "Raph, don't leave!" she yelled, trying to catch up to him. "Raph!" She was starting to pant at this point, and she wasn't about to chase him through the woods. She stopped in her tracks. "If you don't stop, I won't forgive you!"

Raph slowed down, then stopped. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, he didn't want to hurt anyone else anymore. But he didn't know how he could stop hurting them any other way besides being away from them. "What am I supposed to do then?"

"Turn around and come back. You think running away from your problems is going to solve anything? It's just going to make things worse for yourself. It's not going to solve anything. Don't revert back to the ways you worked so hard to escape. Raph, please, turn around."

Raph didn't move for a couple of minutes. After a while, though, he turned around and started walking towards April. Once he was close to her, he stopped. He didn't know what to do, what to say. April saw his hurt expression, and while she wanted to hug him, she knew that wasn't the best thing to do right now. "...it's going to be hard, but you're not alone in this. We can talk to him together. And I promise, I'm not mad at you. I'm... I'm glad you're safe." April reached her hand up to a side of his face, careful not to hold it too tight. "Can you look at me, please?"

Sighing, Raph hesitantly looked up. "...I made him cry himself to sleep. I made him angry, I made him cry, I made him resort to violence. I saw the look on his face after he punched me. He looked like he was even more mad at himself. He looked even more defeated and like nothing was going right in his life. How am I supposed to make it up to him after making him feel like that? How am I supposed to help him when I betrayed him at his most vulnerable time? If he forgave me somehow, I wouldn't forgive myself. I know I won't, April. I know how he felt, and I did all those things anyways without a second thought. I didn't think. I shouldn't be around him, I don't deserve him in my life. How... how am I supposed to fix this?"

April sighed, giving him a patient smile. "You sound like Leo and Donnie, you know."

Raph turned his head away. "Unlike them, I actually did something bad. It's different."

"What have you been telling them all this time? It takes time, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Just look at them now. They're comfortable around each other now. They're almost ready to admit their feelings. Take your own advice for once, Raph. If you want to make things right, you have to work for it. You can't expect things to just be okay or think things will always be awful. Just try."

"Easier said than done," Raph replied. "But I know you're right. I wanna talk to him alone. I can't have a buffer, I gotta do this solo."

April nodded. "Alright. Let's go back in, then." They walked in together, shutting the front door behind them. Raph went to the kitchen, getting water for Mikey whenever he woke up. While he was doing that, April led the other three guys into the living room. "Raph and Mikey need to talk alone, so try not to go upstairs unless you need to, okay?"

"Are they okay?" Donnie asked.

"...it's bad. But Raph's going to try to patch things up somehow."

"So... you three have been feeling like that for a while now?" Leo asked. April nodded a bit. "...I'm sorry, I've been so caught up in my own head- -"

"No, no, it's not your fault- - it's no one's fault. I just need to look after myself as much as I look out for others. I know it sounds kind of weird, but it just takes time. We'll get better in time."

"Is there anything we can do? Like, I feel like we should've done more..." Donnie trailed off.

"We all have our own issues, we can't expect to take notice of everything. Don't be too hard on yourselves. Now that you know, it might feel less tough to talk about these things."

"How are ya feelin' now, Red?" Casey asked.

"I feel kind of like some burdens are gone, but it'll be a while to feel fully alright. But I'm trying to focus on how some issues are out of my mind for now." They nodded, unsure of what else to say. "Want to watch some TV?" April suggested. They agreed, and they all watched some programs in silence. It was going to take some adjusting about learning these new situations they had been unaware of before, and a buffer was somewhat appreciated to distract them for a while.

* * *

It was a few hours until Mikey finally stirred, moaning a bit as he raised one of his hands to his head. His head felt light yet heavy, and the pounding wasn't helping. He opened his eyes, looking at his surroundings. _'...I'm back at the farm house? Did I even really leave? It felt so real... didn't I...'_ Mikey turned around, a bit surprised when he saw someone was sitting in a chair at the side of the bed. He glanced up, blinking a few times as he saw Raph looking down at him. He noticed a large bruise on a side of Raph's face, and then he knew that everything had really happened and that it wasn't a dream. He thought feelings of anger would rush back, but instead, he felt immense guilt. Raph reached for a glass of water, offering it to Mikey.

"You should drink some," Raph spoke quietly. "Got some meds, too. Ya want 'em?" Mikey nodded weakly, looking away from Raph. Raph reached for the bedside table, retracting his hand and showing some headache pills in hand. "Here," Raph handed them to Mikey, trying to help him out. He carefully passed the water to Mikey, observing as Mikey took the medicine and drank the water. Mikey handed him back the glass. "Hopefully that'll kick in soon." Mikey didn't really know what to do or say. He was having mixed feelings about all this. "...you still mad?"

Mikey cleared his throat. "Not really," Mikey croaked. He decided to speak softly since his throat felt tight. "I just feel bad."

"Why?"

"'Cause I punched you... that didn't really help anything..."

"Did it feel good at the time?"

"Not even," Mikey sighed. "It just happened so fast, I don't know why I did that... I was just so mad at you... but now I feel really bad now that I really saw it."

"Yeah, you've got a killer punch," Raph attempted to joke. Mikey smiled sadly. "Look, don't feel bad about that. I deserved it."

"No you didn't..."

"I did, though. I went and told them something you weren't ready to confess like saying it was no problem. I don't even really know why I did it. I guess... I was just reeling and really worried... but that doesn't excuse what I did. I can't ever make it up to you, Mikey, I know that I fucked up. I hurt ya in one of the worst ways possible, and I'm not even sure you'll ever forgive me for that if you somehow find it in you to. I'm not lookin' for your forgiveness, I know what I did is... no matter what I do, you won't ever fully trust me again. It hurts knowin' that, but I did it to myself, so it doesn't really matter how I feel about it. I just... I wanted to say I'm sorry. I just want you to feel better than you have been for these past years. I never knew you were feeling like that. I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't talk about your feelings without being mocked or dismissed. I'm sorry that I haven't been as helpful to you as you've been to me and everyone else. I want you to genuinely feel like the bouncy, happy and carefree person everyone sees you as, 'cause you're a really good guy, Mikey."

"...this sounds like a goodbye and I don't like it."

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm just sayin' how I feel here."

"Good, 'cause if you just disappeared, I really would never forgive you." Raph smiled a bit meekly at that. "...Raph, you really think I hate you?"

"I mean, I wouldn't be surprised."

"Just 'cause I'm upset doesn't mean I hate you... is that how you think?" Raph didn't answer that. "...listen, I don't hate you. I just kinda need time, y'know? And you know me, I'm too trusting for my own good. Yeah, it'll be a while 'til I feel like I can tell you things without feeling like you're gonna tell them to everyone, but no matter what, I trust ya, bro. Thing is... I kinda get why you did it. Like, I'm still upset ya did it, but I get it."

"That doesn't excuse it, though."

Mikey lightly punched Raph on his leg. "Stop that."

"Ouch, there goes another bruise," Raph joked.

Mikey laughed a bit more genuinely this time. "Bro, I love you. You know that. I know what bottlin' these things can do, I've seen all of you guys do it. I thought I wasn't, but I guess I just let myself think that. If you weren't in my life, I couldn't ever be happy like ya want me to be. You help me tons, bro."

"Don't try to focus away from your feelings by trying to make me feel better," Raph mumbled. "I need to feel the lash from this, Mikey. I messed up big, and I do need to feel the repercussions. I can't expect that you've suddenly forgave me and that things are normal again, and I don't want ya tryin' to make it seem that way. I need ya to be honest about how you feel. If you need me away, tell me. If you make a sarcastic remark, don't feel bad. I do deserve that. If ya- -"

"You think I'm gonna try to be mean to you to make you feel worse? Raph, that's not how I am... man, you are super hard on yourself. But, you're right, I can't think that things are okay after just one day... I'll try to be as honest as I can about this. Just don't think I hate ya, 'cause I really don't. I promise ya I don't."

Raph nodded, trying to smile. He turned away, trying not to lose his composure.

"...I promise I don't hate you," Mikey insisted. "I don't, bro. I love ya."

"Stop," Raph breathed harshly, lowering his head. "D-don't do that."

"Raph, I'll punch ya again if that's what it takes to make you cry."

Raph laughed a bit at that. "Mikey, I can't. If I cry in front of you, I'm gonna make ya feel bad and you're gonna want to try to force yourself to act like things are okay when they're not. If I do that, I'm selfish." Raph drew in a deep breath, turning to look back at Mikey. "I can't do that to you, not with what I've already done."

Mikey wasn't sure how to help his brother. If he tried, Raph would just think he was doing it out of pity or that he was forcing himself to. Knowing for certain that he couldn't help Raph, it kind of hurt, but he understood. Mikey sucked in a deep breath. "Get out."

Genuinely not expecting that, Raph felt horrible. _'I said too much and pissed him off, fuck...'_

"Psst, I'm givin' ya an out," Mikey whispered, even though they were the only two in the room.

"What?"

"I wanna help ya, but you're gonna think that I don't mean it, and I don't wanna help ya if ya feel like I'm tryna be mean or force myself to. So I want you to get out and go to someone else you feel okay talking to. I want ya to feel listened to, Raph, and I'm bein' a hundred percent honest. You don't trust yourself around me, so go to someone you do trust yourself around."

"Mikey..." Raph was going to say he didn't trust himself around anyone, but didn't want to further burden his brother.

"Stop thinkin' so hard, bro. Just go and talk to someone, please. It's killin' me that ya think ya can't talk to me or be around me without some sort of bad thing happening, so just get out so that you don't feel so bad anymore. If ya wanna start makin' it up to me, go talk to someone now."

Raph wasn't fully understanding, but he did comprehend that Mikey wanted him to leave. He sat up from the chair, walking to the door.

"Raph?"

"Yeah, Mikey?"

"Loooove ya." Mikey gave Raph a sweet, genuine smile. "Things will be okay soon."

"...I love ya too, Mikey." Raph let himself out, shutting the door behind him. He wasn't sure who to talk to, so he just went to the spare bedroom. He shut the door behind him, immediately bringing his hands up to his eyes and trying to wipe away the tears that were coming out. "Don't, don't, don't cry, you stupid fuck..." Raph growled at himself. "Stop crying, stop crying, don't do it- -"

"Raph..."

Raph jumped, quickly turning away. "...what are you doing in here?"

"Did things not go okay?"

"April, I need to- -" Raph stopped talking as he felt himself choke up. "I needa be alone."

"I'm not leaving when you're clearly putting up a wall."

"I'm not putting up a wall," Raph said a bit defensively. Hearing himself, he growled and balled his hands into fists. "Sorry, sorry, I just- -"

"What's going on? Talk to me- -"

"I d-don't- -" Raph wasn't even sure of the words coming out of his mouth sounding right. Raph looked around the room, looking for something to just...

"What are you looking for? Raph, say something," April urged, trying to figure out what exactly was happening. Worrying more as she saw Raph frantically panicking more and more, April went up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders, not retracting them when he jumped at her touch. He looked at her, his eyes wide. "Raph, talk me through this: what are you looking for?"

"I... I..." Raph just kept repeating that, not trusting himself to speak. No one has ever been present when he was nearing a breakdown, and knowing that April wasn't going to let him leave while he was still like this just made him panic more. He didn't trust himself around her. He felt like something bad was going to happen, but he wasn't sure what. "A-April- -"

"What, Raph?"

"Do not touch me right now," Raph urged. April retracted her hands. "S-step away, I-I can't..." April immediately gave him space, looking unsure. "L-listen, I just- - no one's ever... seen me like this..."

"Like what...?" April's worry was starting to turn into a bit of fear.

Raph noticed this, and he groaned. "G-great, I'm scaring you, hah..." Raph really did not know what to do. "April, j-just get out, I don't w-want ya bein' scared of me... if your head's tellin' ya to go, go now."

"You're clearly not okay, though, I can't just- -"

"Y-you're scared though, and I'm not tryna scare ya anymore. Get out, April, just g-get out." April didn't move, only making Raph feel worse. "F-fine, fine. Go and bring someone else up here that can handle me like this. I mean it. Go."

April nodded hesitantly. "Are you sure?" Raph nodded, opening the door for her. She was really worried, but left the room. He shut the door after her. She went downstairs, wondering who could handle this. Her eyes landed on Leo. She took a deep breath, going over to him. "Leo, I... you need to go upstairs."

Leo was instantly concerned. "What's going on?"

"It... it's Raph," April replied. "I think he's about to breakdown."

"...and he wants someone up there? That doesn't sound like something he'd want..."

"He told me to bring someone back up. Leo, please, I'm really worried."

Leo looked at April intently, his concern growing. "Alright. Mind helpin' me up there?" April nodded, grabbing his crutches and helping him on his feet. They went up the stairs quickly but carefully as they could, stopping in front of the door when they finally reached it. "Thanks. I'm alright now."

"Please... just make sure he's okay," April whispered.

"Is it that bad?" April nodded, leaving his side without another word. He drew in a deep breath as he opened the door slowly, peeking his head in. "Raph? You in here?"

"Y-yeah."

"I'm comin' in," Leo replied, stepping in and shutting the door behind him. He searched the room, unsure where Raph was. "...where are you?"

"...here," Raph mumbled. Leo looked towards the bed. There was a figure under the blankets. Leo went over to it, lifting the blankets up. Seeing a stack of pillows, Leo furrowed his brow. "...down," Raph said as he saw the confusion on Leo's face. Leo's eyes followed Raph's voice, and he saw Raph on the floor behind the bed. Raph immediately looked down, avoiding eye contact.

"Why are you on the floor..?"

"...feels appropriate, I guess."

"...get on the bed." Raph sighed, lifting himself off the floor and climbing into the bed, pulling the blankets over him. "What's going on, Raph? You never want us around when you're feeling really bad..."

"I still don't..." Raph replied. "I'm only doing it 'cause Mikey said to."

Leo tilted his head a bit. "You wanna talk me through what's going on?" Leo noticed the bruise on Raph's face, choosing to bring it up later.

"Which part?"

"The beginning is a good start." Raph looked uncomfortable. "If you really don't want me here, I can leave, Raph... you look really unsettled."

"I don't know what to say..." Raph paused, trying to string together words in his head. "I was so focused on everyone else, Leo... I thought I was doing okay, I didn't know anything was wrong... after you woke up, I really thought things were okay. We had hope again, we were all okay. I knew things wouldn't magically be okay, but I thought things were starting to go well, I... everyone has different issues, and I tried helping, and nothing seemed wrong with me until people tried asking how I was doing, and I dodged the questions and tried to get the spotlight off of me. I didn't know why. I was fine, after all, things were okay. There was nothing to upset me besides the obvious. Then April kept asking and I felt that gross, heavy feeling in my chest and stomach, and my stomach would feel like it was burning and knotting up, and then I started to not feel things, and that's why I ran off. I thought it'd help me, and I thought it was, but then Mikey was breaking down and it sounded like he was in danger of himself and I pushed away my feelings and went to get him. I brought him with me- - I wasn't gonna let him get hurt, not if I could help it. I wanted to help him, I didn't think, I sent that message to April and told her to show you guys..." Raph paused, lowering his head onto his knees that were against his chest.

"Raph, keep going," Leo said, not wanting Raph to hold anything in. "You're almost there."

Raph let out a single, sad laugh. "I hurt him. I wasn't thinking. I didn't think about it at all, I just did it, Leo. I sent it, I was scared, I didn't know what to do. I don't know shit, Leo. I sent it, and then he figured out, and he blew up. I-I mean, I'm glad he released those pent up feelings, but I made him explode... I didn't mean to, I was just... trying to help. No, I can't make excuses, I deserved it. He wanted to run off, and I panicked, I didn't want him to get lost or get captured or get hurt, and I grabbed him, and he..." Raph sighed, balling up his hands. "The bruise you saw... Mikey punched me. He's got a good ass punch, Leo, don't ever piss him off, trust me. I mean, I deserved it. I really hurt him and he was hurting already. I don't trust myself around him, around April- - did I mention before she went to get you, I scared her? I didn't know she was in here and just came in and was ready to break down, and she just came outta nowhere, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't wanna break down in front of her, so I tried not to. She's scared of me, Leo. I don't trust myself around anyone. I don't even know I told April to bring someone up here. I'm fucking stuck, Leo. I'm on the verge of breaking down, but I won't let myself do it with someone around me."

"...Raph, I'm not sure what to say," Leo said quite frankly, sounding upset. "I'm so sorry. I thought whenever we had talks, you were expressing your feelings, but I didn't realize... I was just so caught up in my own thoughts, I didn't even notice what was going on with everyone else... I'm really sorry- -"

"It's not your fault," Raph replied, cutting him off. "It's mine. I know you're going through your own stuff, it's okay."

"But it's not. I said I wanted to try to be there for everyone else, no matter my problems, and I didn't try hard enough."

Raph became a bit irritated. "Leo, it's not your fault, stop thinking it is."

"Raph, we all should have tried to be more available for you and April and Mikey. We had a hand in this."

"No, none of you did anything wrong."

"Raph- -"

"I did this, Leo, not you, not anyone else, I did it, but my feelings don't fucking matter, okay? They're irrelevant, they're nothing compared to the other problems, alright? Just forget what I said. I don't want anyone worrying about me. I'm fine."

Leo drew back a bit. "...you're putting up walls again?"

Raph finally looked up a bit, his eyes looking baggy. "...the stuff I worked hard to put behind me are comin' back, Leo... I don't remember how to stop it." Raph sounded so lost. "I thought it was long gone, I really did." Raph sniffled a bit, wiping at his eyes soon after. "Shit."

"What did Mikey tell you, exactly?"

"What do you mean?"

"He said someone had to watch you break down?"

"No, he said he wanted me to go to someone I felt okay talking to other than him."

"Did you say everything you needed to?"

"...I guess," Raph replied, not following.

"I'm leaving, then." Leo slowly stood up, grabbing his crutches. Raph was confused. "Mikey said you needed to vent, right? Well, you did. You're being hard on yourself and thought that counted someone being present while you were on the verge of breaking down. Mikey just wanted you to tell someone how you were feeling 'cause he didn't want you to keep it in anymore, and you did just that. I'm gonna leave, and you can break down the way you need to: alone. I'm not gonna stay here and postpone your breakdown, 'cause you can't keep all those feelings anymore, Raph. You're about to explode. I'm really sorry I didn't help you as much as you've helped me, but I'm not going to make you try not to break down. That'd make things worse on you. Stay up here as long as you need to. If you need to seclude yourself, okay. Just make sure you get something to eat and have water. It's gonna be tough, but whenever you want help, we're here for you. I promise."

Raph nodded slowly, watching as Leo opened the door. Leo turned back and gave Raph a soft smile, then left the room.


	22. Normal Teen Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought
> 
> ~this will be a much more light-hearted chapter so i hope y'all enjoy~

It was around 1 in the afternoon. Raph and Mikey had asked not to be disturbed after April had checked on them last night. They were both in the process of trying to gather themselves, and they wanted to do it alone, insisting they'd get help if they needed it. Raph had managed to fully release his pent up emotions after Leo had left, feeling stoic and empty afterwards. He didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, get up, eat... all he knew he wanted to do was lay in bed with no disturbances. Mikey wanted to be alone so that he didn't have to face the looks of pity and worry from everyone now that they knew how he had been feeling for years. He was embarrassed, upset, humiliated... what made things worse is that he knew Raph was feeling awful in the room next door, and no matter what he did, he couldn't help. He wasn't ready to face his problems yet, needing time to try to muster up some courage to do so at some point.

With two turtles upstairs, wallowing in despair, the remaining four weren't really sure how they were supposed to carry on casually. The energy wasn't the same with the two missing. Everything felt off. The four tried talking casually, but it was pretty difficult. Leo couldn't really go anywhere to avoid the tension since he was on bed-rest, and asking for help getting up seemed like too much contact at the moment. For April, it seemed like the three guys were giving her looks, and she really wasn't digging that. Was it pity? Concern? She wasn't sure, but she didn't want to try to figure out what it was. If she left, it'd seem like something was troubling her, and someone would follow to see if she was okay, which isn't what she wanted, either. Casey really wanted to leave the room just to get the feeling of awkwardness off of him, but since it had been a while of him standing there, it felt inappropriate to leave now. Donnie felt the same, but additionally, he felt like the moment he left, someone was going to need something, and he wanted to be there since he had failed to for his brothers and April before.

Finally, April couldn't take it anymore and got up from the couch chair. "I'm going to go to the store. You guys want anything?"

They raised their brows. "Uh, chips or something's alright," Casey replied.

"Can you bring back some pizza?" Leo asked. "Pre-made or make-at-home, either doesn't matter. It's just been a while since I've had pizza."

"If you happen to see some, towels, please," Donnie said.

"Why towels?" April questioned.

Donnie shrugged. "Always running out of some around here, might be nice to have extras."

"Alright, I'll see what I can do." April walked out of the living room and was about to leave, but stopped. She sighed, back-tracking and peeking her head into the room. "You guys wanna come? We can try to find another store around here to get whatever we need."

Leo smiled politely. "I don't think you'd wanna be seen with a giant turtle in your backseat," he replied. "I'm okay here, and I don't wanna be a hassle with my leg and all."

"I should stay here," Donnie added. "Just to keep things in check." He looked to Casey. "You should go, Case. I know you've been wanting to get out of the house for a little while. You and April." Casey and April looked a bit guilty hearing that they had made it apparent that they wanted to be anywhere else. "Don't worry, I don't blame ya. It might serve you two well to be out of here for a bit."

"We know things have gotten uncomfortable and tense, so you two are overdue for a breather away from here. We just want you two to have a good break away from... well, everything, basically. No rush back."

Casey and April glanced at each other, then back at the two turtles. "Are you guys sure?" They asked in unison.

"We're sure," Donnie answered for Leo.

"Yeah, you two are still young, go do whatever normal people do or something," Leo joked, waving them off. "We can hold down the fort."

"...alright," Casey replied. "...thanks, dudes."

"Go, already, while it's still daylight," Leo insisted. "Bye, children, don't hurry back, go spend money mindlessly like everyone else, yada yada yada!"

They chuckled a bit, waving bye to Leo and Donnie as they left. They walked in silence to the car, climbing in and fastening themselves in as Casey started the car. They backed out of the driveway and started driving away. April watched as the house grew smaller the farther away they were, and Casey glimpsed at the house from the rearview mirror before looking back straight at the road ahead of him. They weren't sure if they'd fully enjoy being away, but they were going to try as best they could. They turned on the radio just to have something fill the silence.

* * *

"...so, where should we go?" April asked finally after a while. "We haven't really seen any other stores out here other than the small one we go to."

Casey shrugged a bit, quickly brushing a hand through his hair and placing it back on the steering wheel. "I dunno, Red. I'm just drivin' around, if I'm bein' honest. I'm not really lookin' for a store." Casey glanced at April from the corner of his eye, seeing that she looked a bit troubled. He looked away, remembering how she looked whenever she caught him or someone else looking at her earlier. _'Maybe I shouldn't bring it up now since she ain't feelin' like herself...'_ Casey thought to himself. Instead, he decided to try something else. "What, ya never been on a drive before, Red?"

"What?"

"Y'know, a drive? Like, haven't ya ever drove around the city alone or with some people ya feel okay around, and just like, looked around and stuff?"

"Can't really say I have," April replied. "I haven't really drove by myself anyhow. I mean, I've looked around whenever my dad would drive us places and just lived in the moment. Is that what you mean?"

"Yeah, it's kinda like that, but a drive is like... it's like, ya do it whenever ya really need a break from whatever's botherin' ya in life. It's kinda like a good getaway even though you're still in the city. I dunno how to really explain it, but it's nice."

"Would you consider this a drive, then?"

"Ya could," Casey said. "I mean, we are tryna get a breather from all the shit back at the house, aren't we?"

"...I guess so," April mumbled. "I kinda feel bad just... leaving like that. I know they said it was okay, but- -"

"Red," Casey interrupted. "I do, too, but they wanted us to try to chill for once ever since we got there. And you really needa be away from there with everythin' you've been feelin'. I kinda feel bad for taggin' along, 'cause I wanted ya to have some time alone and try to process things, if we're bein' honest. I mean, I know ya wanna be alone and stuff."

"Don't feel bad," April replied. "Besides, I like your company, Casey. It's nice."

Casey's cheeks warmed up a bit, but he tried to keep his cool. "Really?"

April smiled a bit. "Yeah." April leaned back into the seat, lowering it a bit to get more comfortable. "It's been a while since we've hung out, just the two of us."

Casey chuckled a bit. "Yeah, well, that's life for ya, huh?"

April propped her feet up onto the dashboard. "What should we do while we're out here?"

Casey snorted a bit. "April, don't just say things like that- - ow!" Casey laughed as April punched his arm immediately, giving him an incredulous look. "I'm kiddin'!"

April rolled her eyes, chuckling a bit and retracting her arm. "Really, though. Should we try going somewhere?"

"Like where? We're not real familiar with this area, and goin' back the way towards New York City ain't exactly somethin' we should do."

"So you don't know where we are right now?"

"Not really- -"

"Casey, are you serious?" April sighed, pulling out her T-Phone. "You should've told me that if that was the case. I could just look up something on the GPS."

"A drive is a mindless thing, April, y'don't really go to a certain place, ya just drive around."

"We can do that, I just want to know where we are so we don't get lost. Plus, it could give us ideas of what to do." April glanced at Casey, seeing the smirk on his face. "Don't make me punch you again." Casey laughed a bit as April pulled up her GPS. "There's some big stores and drive-thru places about 20 miles in this direction if you wanna get something to eat while we shop."

"How much do we actually have?"

April pulled out the money in her pocket, counting. "...enough to get whatever Leo and Donnie asked for and to grab some food for us," April replied.

"Shit, we really almost outta money?" Casey asked, sounding a bit concerned. "Do we even have enough to put gas in this baby?"

"Yeah, we've got enough for gas just in case. Don't worry, this is just what I had on me. I have more hidden back at the house- - I'm a smart spender. Well, more like I know how to save money, thankfully. I don't really think hard about every purchase I make."

"Who does? Besides, you're like, what, 12?" Casey joked, smiling as April rolled her eyes again. "Nah, but really, you don't got no worries about bills or whatever right now, so I don't blame ya with the mindless spendin'. It's fun."

"Yeah, you've got a point. 19 miles to go, then." April leaned forward a bit to turn up the music, set her T-Phone in one of the cup holders so Casey could see how far they were from their destination, then leaned back into her seat, turning a bit towards her car door. "So, you said looking around makes part of the drive experience, right?" Casey hummed a yes. April looked out the window, watching the sky and the nature as it passed by. She wasn't thinking of anything, which was a nice change. Soon, her eyes slowly shut, and she fell asleep.

Casey was about to ask if she was enjoying the drive when he got a good glimpse of her face and saw that she had fallen asleep. He smiled a bit seeing this, and he started to slow down the car a bit as he searched for something to cover her with. He remembered that they had brought several blankets whenever they had come from New York City to the farmhouse and started looking for a blanket. He made sure to be aware of the road and of April as he looked for a blanket, finally spotting and grabbing one from under April's feet. He carefully draped it over her, making sure not to wake her up. Once it was covering most of her, Casey turned his attention back to the road, so far enjoying his experience of the drive.

They had finally made into the area with all the stores and drive-thru places, and Casey had to decide on a place to go. _'Which place to get food from... or wait, should I pick a store first, then we get food after? But Red's sleepin'... nah, food'd get cold if we got it first and left it in here while we got stuff.'_ Casey picked a store, slowly pulling into the lot and turning off the car. When April hadn't woken up from the halt of the car, Casey slowly opened his door and got out as quietly as he could, shutting it as softly as possible afterwards. He saw a line of carts and went for it, pulling one out and bringing it back to the car. He pulled it up on the passenger side, setting a foot on it to keep it in place as he opened April's door slowly.

"Hey, Red," Casey spoke softly, placing a hand on her arm and shaking her gently. "Red, wake up, we're here." April drew in a breath as she opened her eyes. "C'mon, we're burnin' daylight." April smiled tiredly, nodding. Casey stepped out of her way and grabbed the cart, pulling it away and waiting behind the car.

April sat up, a bit surprised as she saw the blanket on top of her fall off of her. _'Did I have a blanket on me when I fell asleep?'_ April glanced at Casey through the side mirror on the door, smiling a bit warmly as she connected the dots. She unfastened herself from the seat, grabbed her T-Phone, and finally hopped out of the car. She pressed down the lock on her door, watching as the other locks of the doors automatically locked themselves afterwards, then shut her door. She joined Casey's side, and they walked towards the store. Once they were inside, they felt the blast of cool air that stores usually had once you walked in and laughed as they both shook a bit from the cold.

"Where to first, Red?" Casey asked.

"Let's go for towels first," April suggested. "It's the only non-food item that was suggested."

Casey shot her a smile. "Aye, aye, captain." As they walked searching for the aisle that'd contain towels, Casey noticed April's occasional yawns. "Hey, ya wanna climb in the cart?" Casey asked.

April laughed. "I'm too big to sit in a cart, Casey. I'm not a kid anymore."

"C'mon, Red, live life on the edge. The worse that'd happen is someone tellin' ya to get outta the cart." April smiled, rolling her eyes. Casey playfully elbowed her. "Ya know ya wanna," Casey sang.

"Fine," April replied, giving in. "Only because I don't want you to embarrass me with your singing."

"Oh, c'mon, now I gotta sing."

"Please don't," April chucked.

"Since ya asked so nicely, fine." Casey stopped the cart and watched as April climbed into it. She brought her knees to her chest, leaning back. She immediately sat back up, not wanting to feel the discomfort of the cart's material on her back. Seeing this, Casey removed the hooded shirt he was wearing and folded it up to where it would provide comfort and set it onto where April would lean back. "Lean back, Red, I gotcha covered."

April looked back, seeing that Casey had removed his black hooded shirt. She leaned back, satisfied with the comfort it provided. Casey smiled down at her and looked up, pushing the cart once again. After some minutes of feeling April's stare, Casey looked back down at her. "What're ya starin' at? I know, I've got a real stud bod, huh?" Casey joked.

April smiled. "No, it's just- - I've never seen you without your black hood thing on."

Casey suddenly became a bit self conscious. "Do I look weird?"

"No, just... different."

"...good different or bad different?"

"Good different," April replied. "You look... like a different person. You look cute."

Casey felt that warm feeling come back to his face. He looked up, trying to compose himself. "Ay, there's the towels," Casey announced, trying to bring attention to something else so that he could try to get rid of the bashfulness he was feeling. "What're we lookin' for, li'l or big towels?"

"I think Donnie meant bath towels, so let's look for some of those."

"Whatever ya say." Casey pushed the cart through the aisle, both he and April trying to find a set of bath towels. "The cheaper, the better?"

"Definitely," April replied. "Oh, I didn't mean to make it sound like that- -"

"Calm down," Casey laughed. "We're on a budget, Red, not like we can buy the prettiest set anyways."

"Ooh, stop here," April said abruptly. Casey stopped the cart, watching as April got on her knees and reached for a set. She grabbed it, showing it to Casey. "10 piece set for $15 isn't too bad, is it?"

"You're the one with the money," Casey smiled. "It should be alright."

April sat back down and grabbed Casey's black hood shirt and set the towels where it used to be, leaning against it. "Good comforter." April looked up at Casey. "You want this back?"

"Eh, ya can hold onto it for now. Enjoy this new Casey while it lasts."

April nodded, looking back towards the hall of the aisle they were in. "You still want chips?"

"We should see if they got pizzas first since they're more pricey. If they do, we can get chips if we still have enough."

"Look at you, thinking smart," April teased. "Alright, where would pizzas be?"

"Probably the frozen aisle, like, around cheese or ready-to-go lunches," Casey thought out loud. Casey led them out of the towel aisle, looking up to search for the frozen foods on the aisle signs. Once he found it, he made his way towards it. April decided to slide on Casey's black hood jacket, immediately grabbing Casey's attention as she did. _'Stay chill, Jones,'_ Casey thought to himself. "Whatcha up to, Red, tryna live the life of Casey Jones for a day?"

April smiled. "The aisle might be cold," she replied. "It might give me some warmth even though it's only got a hoodie. Plus, haven't you heard that black attracts heat?"

"Trust me, Red, I know that- - I'm always wearin' that thing." They exchanged smiles, enjoying a comfortable silence as they made their way to the designated aisle. Once they were a few steps in, it had gotten colder. "Man, hope that thing's keepin' ya warm. Ya see any frozen pizzas?"

"I see some, it's further down." Casey pushed the cart and stopped in front of where the pizzas were. "How big of a pizza should we go for?"

"Should we go for one big one or for multiple small ones?"

"A valid question," April replied. "Not too small, though. They'd devour really small ones in a heart beat. I think we should go for like, maybe 3 or 4 medium ones?"

"You think they'd kill us if we brought back pizza rolls or pizza wraps?" Casey snickered as April laughed.

"I think they'd feel betrayed."

"Pizza rolls aren't bad, though."

"Yeah, but I think they want actual pizza."

"Alright, let's get some pizzas then. Maybe we should get those $12 ones? Hell, why are these so expensive? Can we really afford these?"

"We could, but we probably couldn't grab food afterwards if we bought these."

"Hm... wait, there's places that sell pizzas for like, 5 bucks, right? Why don't we just go to one of those pizza places and get 4 of 'em? That'd keep 'em full, right?"

"You're right," April replied. "Let's go grab some chips, then we're outta here."

"Alright, I think it's just a few aisles down," Casey said, leading them out of the cold aisle and going towards the snack aisle. "What chips should we get?"

"I think the guys like cheese puffs, so that's a given, uh... maybe spicy and original chips too."

"Can we get chips and salsa, too?"

"I don't think I've ever seen you eat chips and salsa," April replied.

"Prepare to witness it when we get back, Red. I tear through those babies in seconds." Casey led them into the snack aisle, grabbing the bags of chips they were going to buy along with a jar of salsa. Once they made sure they got whatever they needed and didn't forget anything, they set off to the check outs. They pulled into the self check out, scanning the towels, chips and salsa. April payed the due amount and finally hopped out of the cart, bagging the items as Casey went to go put the cart where the other carts were lined up inside the store. He came back, seeing that April had bagged everything and was about to carry them. "Lemme get those, Red," Casey said, stepping up and grabbing them from her.

April smiled. "What a gentleman," April said, smiling wider as Casey playfully winked at her. She looped her arm around Casey's, leaning against him as they walked out of the store. April looked up at Casey, smirking as she saw him quickly look away as their eyes met. "Am I making you nervous?"

"C-Casey Jones never gets nervous," he replied, trying to display a stance of bravado. Seeing that April was still smirking at him, he quickly sought to change the subject, not wanting to lose any more of his cool. "So, what are ya hungry for, anyways?"

"Hm, I could go for something sweet."

"Like ice cream or somethin'?"

"More like pie or brownies or cookies. What are you wanting?"

"I just want some fries and a drink, maybe a milkshake."

"A milkshake sounds great," April chirped, giving Casey's arm a gentle squeeze.

"Ya sure ya don't want any other food?"

"No, plus it's been a while since I've had something sweet, and it's all I want right now."

"Alright, Red, let's get you some sweet things, then." They finally made it to the van. Casey unlocked it and opened the door for April, setting down the bags at the bottom of her seat as she climbed in. He went to the driver side and opened the door, climbed in, and shut the door. They fastened themselves in, getting comfortable as Casey started the car. They forgot how loud they had left the radio earlier, so it boomed as it turned on along with the engine. They both jumped a bit, laughing a bit as Casey lowered the volume. "Sorry 'bout that. Alright, fries and sweets, where are ya now?"

"Maybe we'll see something as we drive along," April replied as Casey started backing out of the parking lot. Once they left the lot and went into the main road, they searched for a place that met their criteria. They found a familiar drive-thru place and went straight for it, ordering what they desired. They decided to order some heaps of what they wanted since it'd be a bit of a long drive back, and once they received everything, they decided to get a bit of gas just to be on the safe side. April was about to set the GPS when she took notice of the time, and she was a bit surprised. "Woah, we've been away for almost 4 hours?"

This surprised Casey as well. "Really? I mean, people say time flies by whenever you're havin' fun or whatever, but- -"

"You're having fun?" April asked, interrupting him.

"I mean, yeah, this is fun," Casey replied. "...are you not?"

"No, no, I am," April replied, giving him a reassuring smile. "This is nice."

Casey couldn't help but to smile back. "I'm glad you're enjoyin' yourself, Red. So, there anythin' else ya wanna do before we head back?"

"Hm, doesn't it start to get dark around this time?"

"I think in another hour, yeah, why?"

"Let's go to a park," April suggested. "We could sit and eat for a bit and kind of enjoy the day, maybe get on some swings."

"Sounds good. Find a park and let's go." April found one and told him where to go. Once they reached the park, they stepped out and grabbed what they thought they'd be able to finish. They found an empty bench and sat down, eating their food and drinking their milkshakes while they were still cold. "Ya want some fries?" Casey offered.

"Okay." April opened her mouth, and Casey fed some to her. She laughed a bit as they made eye contact, rising a smile out of Casey. Once she finished eating the fries, she grabbed a brownie. "Want a brownie?"

Casey opened his mouth, practically swallowing the brownie whole as April fed it to him. April laughed and pretended to gag as Casey chewed with his mouth open and stuck his tongue out at her. "Don't I know how to impress someone, yeah?"

"Oh, absolutely," April replied, smiling. "C'mon, let's go find some swings. I wanna go back to the car before it gets dark."

"Alright, alright," Casey replied, standing up and finishing his last amount of fries. He grabbed their trash and discarded it properly, then followed alongside April as they headed towards a swing set. April picked up her pace a bit, racing to a swing and hopping onto it. Casey smiled, watching as she started to swing a bit. Once he finally reached her side, he went behind her and started pushing her. "How high up ya wanna go?"

"As high as I can," April dared.

"Ooh, dare devil," Casey joked, putting in more oomph in his pushes. Once the swing set started shaking a bit, he knew it was enough and stepped back, grabbing onto the swing set poles just to be safe. "Ya doin' alright, Red?"

"Yeah!" April replied as she swung by him. "Why don't you swing?"

"I'm not riskin' it when this thing's shakin'," Casey replied. "When you decide to, I dunno, not be so high up, then I'll swing."

"Fine, fine." April stopped swinging her legs, waiting for the swing to slow down. Once it was at an appropriate level, she took a deep breath and jumped off of the swing. She landed on her feet, but stumbled a bit and fell forwards on her knees and hands, laughing a bit. "Guess it's been too long since I did that."

Casey rushed to her side. "You okay, Red?"

"I'm alright," April assured him. "What's my rating?"

"A strong 7.5," Casey replied, helping her up. "Height and landing coulda been better."

"Forgive me, I'm a rookie." April grabbed Casey's wrist and led them back to the swings. "Come on, you need to swing at least once before we go back to the van."

"Okay, okay," Casey replied, eventually breaking free of April's hold and walking to a swing, sitting on it. April gave him a bit of a push, then went to her own swing and started swinging alongside him. Casey decided to be a bit of a rebel and twist his body, and in turn, making the swing sway all sorts of different ways. At one point, the chain twisted around, and when it untwisted, Casey felt like everything was spinning like crazy and started laughing. "Red, ya might have to help me after this, 'cause I'ma be hella dizzy," Casey called out as he spun around.

"Casey, tuck in your feet!" April laughed. She watched as the swing unraveled and slowed down. Once it wasn't swinging much anymore, Casey abruptly stood up, immediately losing a bit of balance. April hopped off of her swing and went to his side, helping him regain his balance before he could fall. She wrapped her arm around his back with one arm and had him wrap an arm around her shoulders, holding the arm around her with her other hand tightly. "You alright there?"

"Yeah," Casey laughed. "I'm good. Just gotta wait for the dizziness to go away. Ya have fun, Red?"

"I did, yeah, you?" Casey nodded. "Let's go back to the car, the sun's starting to set." She led them back to the car, making sure to not walk too fast to help Casey's dizziness go away. Once they reached it, she let go. "You good now?"

"Yeah, yeah." They climbed in, getting ready to leave the park. "Man, sun's almost gone." Casey looked to April. "Wanna watch it go down?"

"Casey, that's terribly cliche of you to say," April teased.

"It's cliche for a reason," Casey pointed out. "We can go now if ya wanna, I was just askin'."

"Sure, why not," April replied. "It could be nice."

April turned up the volume on the radio a bit and pulled out another snack, leaning back into her seat and throwing the blanket over her self. Casey leaned back into his seat as well, grabbing a drink he had bought from the gas station and drinking it as they watched the sun set in silence. Once they couldn't see the sun anymore, they decided it was time to start heading back. April set the GPS to lead them back to the farm house, and they started their drive back. There was a comfortable silence, and everything was going great for both of them. But as they started getting closer, April felt an unsteadiness linger inside her, and it was starting to show.

Casey glanced at April, noticing the smile that she had just a couple of moments ago was fading. "You don't wanna go back, do ya?"

April looked at Casey. "No, it's not that. This was just such a fun and nice time, and I'm worried that once we get back, I'm going to forget this, or I'm going to be immediately feeling how I was before. I just don't want this time to be over, not yet."

"I feel ya, Red. But listen, things aren't always gonna be so bad. We just gotta work out the rough stuff back there, and when we do, things'll start to get better. It'll be okay. Ya got me and the guys. I got ya. And I promise, whenever ya wanna go on a drive with me, I'll be racin' ya to the van. We'll have more times like this, Red, I promise."

April looked down for a minute, then looked back up at Casey with a warm smile. "That'd be nice. Thanks, Jones."

Casey gave her a soft smile. They drove in silence the rest of the way, and April watched as the pastel colors of the sky started fading to the dark colors of the night. After what felt like a long time, they finally pulled into the drive way of the farm house. Casey opened his door, about to get out when he noticed that April hadn't moved and had her eyes glued onto the house. Casey, concerned, reached a hand out and placed it on top of one of hers, grabbing her attention. She looked down at their hands, then at Casey, who was giving her a gentle and reassuring smile. She smiled back briefly, retracting her hand out from under his as she climbed out of the van. She walked towards the bench that hung below the tree and sat on it, staring up at the night sky. Casey had grabbed the bags and the blanket in April's seat, heading to the farm house when he saw April sitting outside. Casey set down the bags and walked towards her, sitting down by her.

"Whatcha thinkin' of?" Casey asked, speaking softly.

"Nothing," April replied. "I'm just remembering today. How nice it was and how good I felt."

Casey smiled a bit, but it faded. "That feelin' doesn't have to go away just 'cause we're back here, Red. Try holdin' onto that feelin'. It could help ya get through this. I know it'll help me."

April looked at him. "What's been bothering you?"

Casey gave her a meek smile. "I'll tell ya another time." April was about to object, but Casey stopped her. "I promise, Red, I'll tell ya another day." Casey wrapped the blanket around April as he continued. "I want ya to remember this day as a good one. You worry about other people too much. Ya deserve to be feelin' happy and feel good about somethin'. Ya really do."

April's heart felt like it was being tugged on hearing those words, but in a good way. She smiled bashfully, looking away for a moment. "...thank you, Casey, that... that means a lot to me." She looked up at him, seeing that he had a warm smile on his face. "I don't know how to repay you."

"Well, a hug or some sorta affection wouldn't hurt," Casey joked, meaning to get a laugh out of April. Instead, he froze as April planted a kiss on his cheek, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder afterwards.

"Is this okay?" April asked, chuckling as she noticed Casey still hadn't moved or said anything.

Casey finally relaxed a bit, smiling and hugging her back. "Anythin' from ya is okay, Red." Casey pulled away, standing up and looking down at her with a smile. "Ya can keep that hood thing on for tonight if ya want, but I want it back tomorrow. I feel like a part of me is missin' without it."

"Sounds like a deal."

"I'll be inside whenever you're ready to come back in, alright?" April nodded, giving him a small smile. "See ya in there, Red." Casey walked towards the farm house, picking up the bags and climbing the steps. He looked back at April one last time as he opened the front door, smiling to himself and finally shutting the door. He went to the kitchen and set down the bags onto the table, then stretched his arms up and leaned back a bit, sighing as his back popped. He rubbed the back of his neck, yawning a bit as he headed towards the living room. "Ay, we're back."

Donnie and Leo looked up at him. "Hey, how was it?" Leo asked, a tired smile on his face.

"It was," Casey sighed contently. "real nice, man. Just the breather we needed. Thanks for makin' us go, dudes. I think it helped April, too. She had fun."

"No problem, Jones, glad you two had fun."

"Did you manage to get towels?" Donnie asked.

"Yeah," Casey laughed a bit. "We got a 10 piece set, so we're good on towels now."

"Awesome!" Donnie smiled.

"Anyways, we got those pizzas you wanted, Leo, I'll go heat some slices and bring it back, alright?"

"Awesome!" Leo chirped. "Thanks, Casey."

Casey nodded, going back to the kitchen and opening up a box of pizza, pulling out some slices and setting it onto a plate. He threw it in the microwave and set a timer, waiting for it to heat up. He was pretty tired, and he didn't feel like sleeping in a chair for the night. But since the two rooms upstairs were occupied, he didn't have many options. Maybe...

**DING!**

Casey jumped a bit as the microwave alerted that it was done. He pulled out the pizzas, made sure they were heated up well, grabbed another plate and went to the living room. He walked up to the two turtles and handed a plate to each. He grabbed some slices off of the plate with all the pizza on it and set it on the empty plate. "If ya want more, there's 3 more boxes in the kitchen." They immediately started eating, and Casey took that as his cue to leave. "Night, dudes."

He went back outside, heading towards the van. He opened the back doors of the van, climbing in and shutting them. He looked at the blankets and pillows that were around and started making himself a comfortable place to sleep. He set a thick blanket on the bottom, placed some pillows at the head of it, laid down and grabbed a thick but airy blanket and draped it over himself. He propped an arm under his head, looking out one of the windows and seeing that there were lots of more stars out in the night sky than there were back home. Home... his family... Casey sighed, turning on his side to face away from the window. He closed his eyes, wanting his tiredness to win over his intrusive thoughts. To his luck, it had, and he quickly fell asleep.

April had noticed that Casey went to the van a couple minutes back, thinking he had forgotten something inside. When he hadn't come back out, she decided to go check out what he was doing. She opened the front door of the van, climbing in and looking around. She looked at the back, seeing that he was laying down. Climbing out from the front and going towards the back, she wondered what he was doing. She opened the back doors, about to ask when she saw that he was asleep. He looked so tired yet content, and April couldn't help but to smile. Not wanting to disturb his peace, she closed the doors as quietly as she could. She went to the front and decided to follow his idea and sleep in the van. She sat in the passenger seat, lowering the seat as much as possible, adjusting it, wrapping the blanket Casey gave her earlier around herself and getting ready to sleep. Just like Casey, she thought of home, wanted sleep to win over her thoughts, and luck chose to side with her and let her go to sleep. They started the day together and ended it together as well, both of them knowing fully well they'd remember the day as a happy one.

* * *

_**[A/N: Hey, just wanted to let y'all know that this isn't intended to be a shipping chapter (capritello), I just like fluffy exchanges, if y'all hadn't noticed that yet heh]** _


	23. The Brunt of the Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

It was a new day, and none of the teens were sure what lied ahead.

Casey wouldn't usually be up so early, but with him being in the van and the sun shining in through the window and onto his face, he was up whether he liked it or not. Spoilers, he did not. He slowly stirred, yawning as he started waking up. He sat up, stretching his arms out and arching his back. He heard a mumble from behind him, and he froze. He slowly crawled closer and peeked to see who was in the front. He relaxed and smiled a bit when he saw April sleeping, looking comfortable as could be. He decided to let her be and slowly got out of the van, closing the doors as quietly as he could. He trudged to the farm house, still too tired to feel able to function. He went to the living room, seeing that Leo and Donnie were still sleeping and that there was an empty couch chair. He went to the couch chair and plopped down onto it, quickly falling back asleep.

While Casey had thought it was too early to be awake, Mikey thought it was too late to go to sleep at 7am. He hadn't been able to sleep all through the night. He had kept waking up every hour or so, tossing and turning, never content with his position. Giving up and knowing that being sleep deprived was going to add to the crumminess of the day that hadn't even started yet, he slowly got out of bed, heading for the door. He opened the door, rubbing his eyes and trying not to glance at the side of the hall where the spare bedroom was. His eyes betrayed him, and he froze a bit.

Raph, catching Mikey's glance, froze just the same as Mikey had. The two stood there for a moment, just looking at each other with surprise and uncertainty. While Mikey was unsure of how to proceed, Raph knew exactly what to do: Raph quickly looked away and went back into the room, locking the door behind him. He didn't expect to see Mikey awake at this time of the day and was planning to go to the bathroom. But now that Mikey had seen him, and thinking Mikey was now more upset than before because he saw him, Raph felt that was the only time he would be leaving his room for the day. He climbed back into his bed and continued tormenting himself.

Mikey felt his eyes go heavy. He just froze and didn't do anything, even though he wanted to say so many things. But because he didn't, Raph went back into hiding, and he was sure Raph wouldn't come out for the rest of the day now that he had seen Mikey. Mikey sighed, trudging to the bathroom. Mikey freshened up, spent some minutes just looking down into the sink, then finally left the bathroom and went down the stairs. He peeked into the living room, making sure no one else was awake before he went to the kitchen. He opened the fridge, surprised to see boxes of pizza. _'Why didn't anyone tell me there was pizza? Oh, yeah...'_ Mikey was a bit hungry, but he didn't have it in him to cook. He wasn't sure he'd be able to scarf down a slice for breakfast, so he kept looking. He gave up, deciding to just have some water. Once he had enough, he went back upstairs and locked himself in his room, trying to go to sleep. To his surprise, his thoughts were fading and he felt slumber take over, thankful that he would get to escape reality.

Hours had passed, and April finally woke up around 10am. She stretched a bit and squinted her eyes, not yet used to the brightness. She draped the blanket over her head and stepped out of the van, rushing to the house and removing the blanket once her eyes had adjusted. She stepped into the living room, seeing that Leo, Donnie and Casey were sleeping. She looked at Casey a bit longer than usual, a small smile on her face. She slid her hands into the pocket of the hoodie shirt Casey lent to her, retracting them as she remembered that she was wearing it. Remembering his request last night, she slid it off, tiptoeing over to and setting it on him, then left the living room. She went upstairs, freshening up and deciding to check on Mikey and Raph. She checked on Mikey first, seeing that he was sleeping. She closed his door and went to Raph's, opening it slowly. Raph had his shell faced towards the door, and April thought he was sleeping, too. She was about to leave the room when Raph turned around to see who it was, and they both froze. Raph felt guilt rush over him as he looked at April, but he couldn't peel his eyes away.

"...hey," April whispered. "I, uh, thought you were sleeping. I just wanted to check up on you. I hope you're not too mad."

"...I was never mad," Raph mumbled, finally breaking his stare. "I, uh- - thanks for checking up on me, I... I appreciate it."

April gave him a gentle smile. "Do you want anything?"

"No, I'm alright, thanks, though." Raph, unsure of how to carry on the conversation, turned back around and stared down at the floor.

"Okay, I... I hope you're holding on." April shut the door gently, sighing and running a hand through her hair. She went back downstairs and went towards the kitchen, surprised to see that Leo was in there. "When did you wake up?"

"Just a minute ago," Leo yawned. "I'm just getting water, then I'm going upstairs."

"I checked on the guys already," April said, rubbing her eyes.

"I mean, that doesn't change the fact that I need to use the bathroom." April and Leo both chuckled a bit. "How are they holding up?"

"Mikey's asleep, and Raph... well... he's holding on."

Leo rubbed his neck. "At least he's holding on, I suppose." Leo started heading out of the kitchen and towards the stairs, looking at the steps in front of him. He heard April follow behind him. He looked back, seeing that she was a good distance behind him, seemingly wanting to give him some space. "I won't bite," Leo joked.

April smiled meekly, stepping forward. "I just don't want you to feel overwhelmed."

"It's okay, I get it. I'm going to try to go up the stairs alone, but if there's a point where I need help, I'll tell you. You can stay and watch if that'll make you feel a little better." April nodded, staying in place. Leo took in a deep breath, getting on the first step. He slowly and carefully went up each step, surprised with every step he went up by himself. He stopped midway up the stairs and turned to look down at April, a proud smile on his face. "Look, I'm halfway there!" Leo chirped quietly, not wanting to wake anyone up.

April gently clapped, a proud smile on her face, as well. "Keep going!" She whispered loudly.

Leo nodded, turning back to look towards the stairs. He slowly kept going, and he eventually made it to the top. He looked back down at April, giving her a thumbs up before he went into the bathroom. April walked around the house, unsure of what to do with no one else awake. She heard a tired mumbling from the living room and paused, peeking her head in. Seeing Donnie tossing around a bit and going back to sleep, she sighed, relieved she hadn't woken up anyone from her pacing. She heard the bathroom door open back up and turned around, giving Leo a polite smile.

"Think you can come down by yourself?" April asked.

"We'll see," Leo replied, bracing himself and starting to go down the stairs. He paused, looking behind his shoulder. "...wait, I'm actually going to check on them. I'll be back. You don't have to wait, I'll call you if I need you."

"Alright, be careful," April replied, deciding to go to the kitchen.

Leo slowly went back up the stairs, then headed for Mikey's door. He opened it slowly, seeing that Mikey was sleeping. He stepped inside, going over to his little brother. He looked down at Mikey, sighing a bit. He rubbed Mikey's head a bit, smiling a bit, then retracted his hand. He looked around for the water glass he brought up the other day, finding it empty. He grabbed it and left the room, heading to Raph's room next. He knocked lightly, letting himself in and shutting the door behind him.

"You up?" Raph turned a bit to see if it was really Leo, and was surprised to see it was. Seeing this, Leo chuckled a bit. "What? Is there something on me?"

"Nah, I..." Raph paused, seeming uncertain about continuing his sentence. "...how're things down there?"

"Ah, well," Leo started heading towards Raph, stopping at the foot of the bed. "Things are okay-ish. We made Casey and April leave the house yesterday since they seemed tense and down, and they came back seeming more relaxed. Don and Casey are still sleeping."

"That's good," Raph replied.

"How are you holding up?"

Raph shrugged, not happy about the spotlight being on him. "How's Mikey doin'?"

"Well, he's sleeping right now- - he looked really tired, so I think either he just recently slept or he didn't get the best sleep last night. Or both."

"I, uh, well we saw each other earlier."

"How did that go?"

"Not ideal," Raph replied, seeming embarrassed. "We just stood there for a couple seconds and didn't know what to do, and I just bolted back in here."

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Leo said softly, resting a hand on Raph's arm. "Heh, we switched places. It used to be me worrying about this kind of stuff with Donnie."

"That's what April said, too."

"And look at me and Donnie now, Raph- - we're okay around each other, and things are mostly back to normal."

"Yeah, but you two ha- -" Raph stopped himself, not wanting to reveal Donnie's secret. "You haven't told him about your feelings yet."

Leo retracted his hand from Raph's arm. "I-I know that. I'm just trying to build up the courage to tell him."

Raph, picking up on the defensive tone in Leo's voice, backed down immediately, not wanting to upset anyone else more than he already had. "S-sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I know you're doin' things at your pace, and there's nothin' wrong with that."

Leo, now aware that he had upset Raph, sighed. "Don't be sorry, I should be the one who's sorry. I'm making things about me when you're the one who needs attention right now."

Raph was now getting mixed signals from Leo. He scooted a bit away from Leo. "...are you being sarcastic?"

"What? No," Leo replied immediately. "I meant that- -" Leo wasn't sure what he was about to say, trying to find the right words.

"It's fine," Raph cut off, trying to dismiss the subject. "I get what ya meant. I'm just bein' stupid."

"You're not stupid. I should have worded it better anyways." Raph looked away, not wanting to talk about the subject anymore. Unsure of what else to say, Leo looked at the empty glass on Raph's bedside table. "You want me to get you some more water? There's pizza, too- - Casey and April brought some home yesterday."

"Water's fine, and I'm not hungry," Raph replied, facing the wall once again.

"...okay, but I want you to try to get something in your system later on today. Alright?"

"...alright," Raph mumbled. "I'll try."

Leo picked up the empty glass and went to the door, halting for a moment. "I'll be back with some water." Raph nodded once, and Leo headed for the stairs. He stopped, looking down at his hands, then down at the stairs. "...I can't go down by myself with these glasses in my hands," Leo mumbled to himself. "Hey, April?"

April walked to the stairs, looking up. "What's up?"

"Can you grab these glasses out of my hands and fill them with water, then bring them back to me? I'd do it, but without a good grip on my crutches, I shouldn't."

April smiled gently at him. "I'm proud you didn't try to go down the stairs when you knew it was a big risk." Leo smiled meekly, feeling a bit bashful. "I'll do that for you. I'll be back." April grabbed the glasses from his hands and went down the stairs and into the kitchen. She came back a couple seconds later, walking back up and handing them to Leo. "You want any help?"

"I think I can do it myself, but I'll let you know if I need help." April nodded, heading back down the stairs as Leo went towards Mikey's door. He opened it with his foot, carefully going in and setting it on Mikey's bedside table. He looked at Mikey to make sure he hadn't disturbed his sleep, satisfied to see that he hadn't. Leo left the room, closing the door after him and headed to Raph's room. He opened Raph's door and went towards the bedside table, about to set down the glass when he suddenly lost his grip on one of his crutches and lost balance. Leo sucked in a breath and braced himself as he felt himself falling, and he wasn't sure what was going to transpire.

Raph turned around, about to thank Leo when he saw that Leo's body was falling towards the bedside table, and not in a manner that'd make it a gentle landing.

"Leo, hold on!" Raph quickly shot out of the bed, running behind Leo and trying to grab him. He slipped up for a moment but managed to wrap his arms around Leo's torso and froze, starting to pull back Leo to get him back on his feet. The glass of water Leo had brought fell to the ground, smashing to pieces, but that was the least of his worries. He managed to swing Leo's body back successfully, and they both sighed, relieved.

"Thanks, Ra- -" Leo started, but immediately stopped as they felt themselves tilting.

They realized that Raph had pulled a bit too much, and before they knew it, the two were falling backwards towards the ground. Leo quickly shut his eyes, bracing himself once again. Raph tightened his hold around Leo, wanting to make sure that Leo wouldn't feel the brunt of the fall since Leo was already dealing with a major injury. They made impact, and Raph grit his teeth and hissed as his shell collided onto the floor. Raph's protective hold on Leo worked, but with the impact of the fall, it knocked the air out of Leo, and Leo gasped loudly and started coughing. With Leo's weight on top of him, Raph also felt the air leave his body, and he was coughing violently. Raph leaned sideways, letting go of Leo since he couldn't maintain his grip anymore, and quickly turned the other way, trying to hold in his sounds of pain. His shell was starting to feel the waves of aches and pinpricks, his chest was aching from the pressure of the fall and Leo's weight, and Raph's eyes shut so tight, his head started hurting.

April, having heard the glass break earlier, went towards the stairs. Hearing a fall, she quickly ran up the stairs, looking into Mikey's room first. She didn't see anyone on the ground, so she quickly shut the door and dashed to Raph's room, swinging open the door and freezing for a second as she saw Raph and Leo on the floor. She saw that there was a broken glass and water spilled to the side, and was thankful that they hadn't fallen into the shards of glass. She quickly went to the turtles, kneeling down between them. She wasn't sure who to attend to first- - they both looked like they were in a large amount of pain. She looked between them, her eyes meeting with Raph's.

"Leo first," Raph choked, as if he could read her mind. Raph quickly turned away and started to curl his body inward, and he wrapped his arms around his plastron.

April attended to Leo first, just as Raph had requested. "Leo, what do you need from me? Where does it hurt?"

Leo drew in another deep breath, coughing afterwards and regretting it. "Needa- - catch my breath- -" Leo stopped talking as another coughing fit came. Once it calmed down a bit, he swallowed and tried to take in deep breaths at a pace he could handle. "I-I'm okay, just need to catch my breath."

"Does it hurt anywhere? Is your leg alright?"

"My waist hurts a bit, but it's tolerable, and my leg is feeling the same amount of pain from before, so I think nothing happened to it. I'm okay, really, just please check on Raph, he was holding me in front of him and was the one who actually fell on the floor." Leo turned around to look at Raph, and his heart hurt. "April, please check on him."

April nodded, going over to Raph. He was still curled inward, and there were tears threatening to escape from the corners of his eyes. This piqued April's concern. "Raph, is there anything I can do?" Raph sucked in a breath, trying to regain some breathing as he opened his eyes. He saw a pair of turtle feet at the door. He looked up, shocked to see Mikey looking down at him. Raph sucked in another breath too soon and went into a coughing fit, shutting his eyes again. April noticed the feet as well and looked up, just thankful that there was someone there to help. "Mikey, are you up to help? Or can you go ge- -"

"I-I can help," Mikey replied quickly, stepping in. "Who do you want me to help?"

"I think L- -"

"Help Raph," Leo said loudly, interjecting April's reply.

Mikey quickly knelt down in front of Raph, unsure of what to do. "Raph, what do you need?" Mikey asked softly, the worry heavy in his voice. "Do you want to go to the bed?" Raph nodded, trying to get up by himself, but quickly lost balance and fell back down. "Don't do that- - let me help," Mikey said quickly, sliding an arm under Raph and helping him to sit up. Mikey got on his feet, grabbing Raph's wrists. "April, go behind Raph and help me get him up." April nodded, doing just that. Mikey pulled and April pushed, both making sure to rush to Raph's sides to help him stay up. They led him to the bed, helping him settle down onto it. Raph went back to his curling position, facing away from everyone. "I'll be right back, okay? I'm gonna go get Donnie." Mikey quickly gave Raph a gentle squeeze on the arm and ran out of the room and down the stairs, bursting into the living room. He was a bit surprised to see Donnie and Casey both awake already, but there wasn't time to lose. "D, we need ya up in Raph's room, hurry!" Mikey urged.

"What happened?" Donnie asked, starting to go for the stairs.

"I dunno, just- -" Mikey hastily pushed Donnie towards the stairs. "Just go!" Donnie stumbled a bit, but rushed up the stairs.

"Dude, what's goin' on?" Casey asked, grabbing Mikey by the shoulder.

"I don't know!" Mikey said a bit loudly. He threw his hands over his mouth. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell, I just- -"

"Don't sweat it. Do we needa bring anythin' up there?"

"Yeah, uh, oh yeah, we need a broom and dustpan, and we need cups of water." Mikey bolted for the kitchen, frantically looking for the broom.

Casey met up with him, going over to get some cups of water. "Bro, take deep breaths. You'll be a better help if you're calm."

Mikey nodded, trying to relax. He finally found the broom and dust pan, quickly grabbing them and going for the stairs. He ran up the stairs and back to the room, his nerves easing for a couple of seconds when he saw that Leo was back up on his feet and was being helped by April. Mikey turned his attention to Raph and went towards him, joining Donnie's side. Raph had managed to regain some of his breathing, but he still looked like he was in pain. "What's going on?"

"Well, from what I've heard so far, Raph was trying to help Leo from falling onto the bedside table, and it worked. But then they fell backwards, and Raph made sure to have Leo land on top of him so that Leo wouldn't feel the brunt of the fall, so Raph was at the bottom and was the one who actually fell onto the floor. Add the fact that Leo was on top of him, and now he's feeling pain on his shell and his plastron, and he got the wind knocked out of him."

"Will he be okay? Is his shell okay?"

"He should be fine, it'll just take maybe a day or two for the aching to go away."

"Did he hit his head?"

Donnie hadn't considered that, and his face dropped. He looked to Leo. "Did he?"

"I-I don't know, I had my eyes closed- -" Leo stammered, growing concerned.

"Raph, did you hit your head?" Mikey asked, crouching a bit to level with Raph.

"N-not too hard," Raph breathed. "I'm okay- -"

"You're not," Mikey quickly cut off. "Don't say that. What hurts the most right now?"

"Shell," Raph replied meekly, turning his face towards the bed. "Shell hurts."

"What can we do about his shell?" Mikey asked, turning to Donnie.

"Best I can recommend is that he doesn't do anything to strain it," Donnie replied. "Maybe heat packs or heated towels would help ease the pain a bit."

"What about his head?"

"Limited movement- - honestly, he should stay in bed just in case."

"Been doin' that, so w-we're good in that department," Raph mumbled.

"Would medicine help?" Mikey asked.

"Maybe, but not right now."

"Raph, is there anything we can do to help?" Leo asked, going towards the bed.

"I don't know," Raph replied quietly. He curled more inward, tugging on the blanket near him and draping it over himself.

"Do you want to be alone?"

"I don't know."

Donnie and April glanced at each other, sharing a concerned look. They looked at Mikey and Leo, who looked hurt and lost. They knew what was needed right now.

"Donnie and I are going to go downstairs and check up on you later, Raph, okay? We'll bring up some water and medicine for you to take right now, and some hot towels, too. Leo, Mikey, are you guys okay to stay here for a bit, just to make sure he's okay?" April asked. The blue eyed turtles looked at her, nodding immediately. "Okay. Raph, just take it easy for now, okay? Don't answer that, just be careful and limit your movements. We'll be back later." Raph opened his eyes a bit, looking up and mouthing 'thank you' to her. She smiled gently, nodding. She grabbed Donnie's arm gently, leading them out of the room.

"You are good at being sly," Donnie said to her, giving her a smile. "Think they'll be alright in there?"

"I think they need to face each other, at least for now. I know they miss each other, so this might help them get to talking." They saw Casey climbing the stairs with cups of water in his arms. "That's a lot of water," April commented, smiling.

"Mikey didn't really say how many he needed, so I just brought as much as I could. What happened?"

"Leo and Raph fell. Leo got the least amount of pain, but Raph took pretty much all the pain."

"Shit, how is he?"

"He'll need to be careful with his movements for now, and he needs to stay in bed as much as possible," Donnie replied. "He really did take the brunt of it all."

"Is Mikey alright? He was really freaked out."

"We left him and Leo alone with Raph, so maybe they'll talk about things."

Casey raised a brow. "Really?"

"What?" Donnie asked.

"I mean, I'd think Raph would kinda be feelin' too embarrassed to be talkin' about his feelin's right now. I know I haven't known the dude for too long, but I know enough. At best, I think he'll talk a bit, but not enough to get into the problems he's dealin' with right now."

"You've got a point, but Raph's known to be full of surprises," Donnie replied. "I dunno. I guess we'll find out later on."


	24. Sweet-n-Sour Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Casey had dropped off the waters, cleaned up the shards of glass, checked up on Raph, and left Leo, Raph and Mikey alone in the room. The three turtles weren't sure how to talk. There was the tension between Mikey and Raph as well as the tension between Raph and Leo. Not so much tension coming from Raph's part. They wouldn't even call it tension; more like awkwardness. Leo and Mikey felt awkward around each other since they were both staying for different reasons, and bringing it up in front of one another wasn't something either of them were up to do. Leo, fully aware that Mikey and Raph had more to discuss, sucked up the awkwardness he was feeling and decided to address his issue first, wanting to leave as soon as possible so his little brothers could talk alone.

"Raph, I'm sorry about all of this," Leo started, speaking softly and leaning down a bit. "I really didn't mean for any of this to happen... I thought I could handle a simple water delivery since I made it up the stairs by myself, and I guess I just got carried away. I'm sorry, I really am. I didn't mean to cause you more pain, especially with all you're dealing with right now."

Raph looked at Leo from the corners of his eyes, seeing the guilt and worry on Leo's face. Raph drew in a shaky breath, giving Leo a soft smile. "I'm just glad you're okay, bro. I didn't want you to get hurt anymore, I'm glad that nothin' major hurt you. I'm sorry for holding you too tight and uh, knockin' the wind outta ya."

Leo smiled a bit sadly. "Don't be sorry. If you hadn't caught me, who knows what would've happened to me. I'll make it up to you somehow, I promise." Leo glanced at Raph's shell, sighing a bit. He looked back to Raph. "I really am sorry. And I... I'm sorry about getting defensive earlier. You're actually trying to face your problems, and I'm just cowering."

Raph's smile faded. "No you're not, Leo, there's nothing wrong with taking things slow. Besides, you've made tons of progress, and... I'm proud of ya. You do things your way. I'm sorry for givin' ya a hard time. That wasn't fair of me." Leo was about to object, but Raph stopped him. "Leo, I'm not mad at ya. I really am glad you're alright."

Leo looked uncertain, but nodded. "Are... are we okay?"

Raph gave Leo an assuring smile. "We're okay."

Leo smiled softly. "Okay." Leo slowly got up, making sure he had a firm grip on his crutches. "I'll check up on you later, if that's okay?" Raph gave him a thumbs up. Leo smiled a bit more. "Okay. See ya." Raph gave him a little wave as Leo went to the door and stepped out of the room. Leo waved back a bit, shutting the door behind him, leaving Raph and Mikey alone. Raph felt like the heavy tension in the room was suffocating him. He didn't dare to look at Mikey. Mikey wasn't sure what to say, either, but he didn't want to leave Raph alone when he was hurting. Not again.

"...how's your shell?" Mikey asked.

"Still hurts, but not as much as before," Raph replied. "Those heat pads Donnie mentioned earlier sound pretty nice right now."

Mikey shot up. "I can go try to find some- -"

"Y-you don't have to," Raph replied quickly. "I'm alright, really."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Raph said. "I mean, if ya wanna go, it's okay- -"

"No, I didn't mean to make it seem like that, I just..." Mikey sat back down, sighing and putting his head in his hands. "...I'm not even sure what I'm tryna do."

Raph felt the pang in his heart come back as guilt washed over him. Mikey was hurting, and it was all his fault. "...if it helps any, I'm right there with you." Mikey smiled a bit meekly, but it quickly faded. "...you didn't sleep last night, did ya?"

Mikey raised his head from his hands, looking at Raph. "What?"

"It's just... ya look super tired and drained," Raph said, unsure of what his point was. "Did... did we wake you up?" Raph suddenly realized that they had, and he felt even more guilty. "Shit, I'm sorry, I- -"

"It's not your fault you fell," Mikey interrupted. "I don't really care about sleep right now, Raph. I'm... I'm worried about you."

"You should be mad at me, not worried," Raph mumbled, looking away.

"You and I both know I'm too forgiving for my own good," Mikey chuckled sadly. "Ya know I've been worried about ya this entire time? I feel bad 'cause you feel like you can't talk to me or be around me without me being mad or somethin'. Like ya... can't trust me or somethin'."

"I do trust you, I just... I don't trust myself around you. I messed up, Mikey. I needa feel bad about it."

"I don't want ya to hate yourself more than ya already do- - I don't want that at all," Mikey choked. "You were just tryna look out for me- -"

"Hey, hey," Raph spoke softly. "Mikey, remember what I said about not trying to make things seem okay when they're not?"

"They could start to if you let it," Mikey breathed. "I wanna try patchin' things up, but you're pushin' me away and sayin' that I needa be mad at you and hate you. I'm not tryna make things seem like they're perfect between us, but I wanna start workin' on it, and you're basically telling me no, go away already."

"Is that what you think?" Mikey nodded, looking away. "That's not what I meant. I just feel like you're only trying to talk and stuff because you think it'd make me feel better, and I don't want you to do that. I want you to do that only if you really want to."

"I do want to, Raph. I'm willing to start trying to work this out, but it seems like you aren't."

"...I am, Mikey, trust me. I just keep thinkin' the worst case scenarios, and I... I just get scared to even try. Hell, I'm scared right now. I'm embarrassed, I feel guilty and horrible, but mostly scared. I just... I'm only distancing myself 'cause I don't wanna do anything else to hurt ya more than I already have."

"I get that, but... that's hurting me. I don't wanna lose you, bro, I don't want things to be weird forever. I really miss you."

Raph drew in a shaky breath. "I miss ya too, Mikey." They looked at each other for a moment, sharing a smile. "I'm honestly sorry. I just... I have a different way of handling things, and I know I'm being complicated, but this... this is just how I am through these kinds of situations. I'll try meetin' ya halfway the best I can, I just... I need more time to feel like I can somewhat trust myself around ya."

Mikey nodded. "I getcha. I'll try meetin' ya halfway, too, and lettin' ya do things at your pace. Honestly, I'm only willin' to talk to ya and see ya more than I am to the others. I still need time to be able to face them now that they know about... y'know." Raph looked away. "N-no, I didn't to make ya feel bad, I- - shit- -"

"Slow your roll, bro, I know what ya meant," Raph replied, trying to reassure his brother. "We're both tryna process this in our own way. I get what ya meant." Mikey sighed, giving Raph a small smile. "How are ya holdin' up, by the way?"

"I dunno, this is kinda a new low for me," Mikey replied. "N-not that I'm tryna bla- -"

"Don't worry, Mikey, I know what ya mean, keep goin'."

"O-okay. But yeah, I dunno how to really deal with it since I haven't been at this point before. It's weird and kinda scary, honestly. But... I dunno, when I'm around ya, the feelin' kinda goes away. Does that make sense? Like, it's still there, but I don't really notice it too much. I'm just ready to make the feeling go away."

"I feel that," Raph replied. "Listen, if you're up for it... you wanna come back in and talk some more tomorrow? So we can start tryna work things out?"

Mikey, for the first time in a while, lit up a bit, showing a soft smile. "Y-you'd be okay with that? I don't want ya to force yourself- -"

"I'm alright with it. So... do you?"

Mikey let out a soft exhale, nodding. "Yeah. That sounds good, bro." Mikey looked at Raph, holding his smile.

Raph, knowing what Mikey wanted to do, chuckled a bit. "If you're absolutely sure you wanna, you can hug m- -" Raph stopped talking as Mikey quickly engulfed him in his arms. Raph smiled, hugging Mikey back to the best of his ability. "And just in case you were wonderin', yes, I did miss your hugs."

"You mean it?" Mikey asked, chuckling a bit bashfully.

"Yeah, I do."

"Why does this feel kinda weird but nice at the same time?"

"At least it doesn't feel only weird. If it did, then we'd be makin' no progress." Mikey laughed a bit, earning a smile from Raph. Mikey pulled away, a smile still stuck on his face. "Listen, I don't care that it's day out, I want ya to go and try gettin' some sleep. I don't want ya tryna stay awake when you haven't slept, okay?"

Mikey nodded, getting up. "I'll try to. You think you'll be awake by the time I am?"

"Maybe, I dunno. If I'm not, just wake me up, I won't care." Mikey nodded, heading to the door. "Night, bro. Love ya."

Mikey chuckled, looking back at Raph for a moment. "Love ya too." Mikey left the room and shut the door behind him, going back to his room and laying down in the bed. Things seemed less gloomy, and Mikey was starting to feel a bit hopeful. Closing his eyes, Mikey cleared his mind, relaxed his jaw and body, and fell asleep in a more satisfied feeling than before.

* * *

"Are you sure?"

"For the billionth time, I'm sure."

"Okay... but are you really sure?"

"I'm sure, Donnie," Leo chuckled. "I feel okay enough to do the exercises. Pleaaaaase let me do them."

Donnie crossed his arms over his chest, looking at Leo. Finally, he sighed, a defeated smile on his face. "Fine, Leo. You win." Leo raised his arm up and shot it down to his chest, cheering "yes!" under his breath. Donnie rolled his eyes, chuckling a bit. "Same as last time?"

"Yep," Leo replied, looking at the weights across the room. "But this time, I'm gonna stand up."

"Whoa, dare devil here," Donnie teased, earning a laugh from Leo as he went to retrieve the weights. He carefully set them in Leo's hands. "15 pounds, just like we agreed on." Leo nodded, starting to lift them. He was getting used to them, but he hadn't progressed enough to move up to a higher weight mark. Leo tried looking on the bright side, and that was that lifting the 15 pound weights started to become easier and took longer to break a sweat out of him. Once he started sweating, he extended his arms, signaling that he was done. Donnie took them away and set them aside. "How you feeling?"

"Alright," Leo replied. "Run time!"

"I've never heard anyone get excited about running as much as you did just now." Leo smiled, leading the way to the front. Donnie followed, both he and Leo going to one end of the yard. Casey and April joined, deciding to watch from the porch. "Okay, 1... 2... 3... go!"

April and Casey cheered Leo on as he started running to the other end of the yard. They glanced at each other, smiling and looking away bashfully. "How ya holdin' up, Red?"

"I'm actually doing okay," April replied. "Aside from the situation earlier this morning, I'm feeling okay. How about you?"

"I'm doin' alright. Things feel nice for once." Casey leaned forward, propping his arms onto the wooden railing. "I wanna have more times like yesterday."

April smiled bashfully again. "Me too. Yesterday was one of the nicest days I've had in a long time."

Casey chuckled a bit. "You flatter me." April elbowed him playfully, making both of them laugh. "Nah, honestly I'm glad ya had a good time."

"Thanks, Casey, me too." They fell into a comfortable silence, watching Leo race back towards Donnie. Once Leo reached Donnie, they saw the two turtles talking and looking at Donnie's T-Phone. Leo looked shocked, and when April was about to ask what was going on, Leo shouted and raised a fist in the air. April chuckled a bit. "What's going on?" She shouted.

"2 MINUTES, BABY!" Leo hollered, whooping loudly and laughing. "YA HEAR THAT, WORLD? TWO MINUTES! IN YOUR FACE!"

Donnie was taken aback, but smiled as he watched Leo celebrate his new record. April and Casey laughed, feeling genuinely glad for Leo.

"Imagine how he'll be when he beats his record," Casey said to April. "It's good to see him bein' himself again."

"It really is," April replied. "Imagine how things will be when he and Donnie finally talk." April glanced at Casey, deciding to ask what was on her mind. "Speaking of, I wanted to ask wh- -"

"CASEY, LET'S RACE!" Leo shouted suddenly, interrupting April. "COME ON, VIGILANTE, FACE ME!"

Casey snorted, standing up straight. "I dunno, Leo!" Casey replied, leaving April's side and going towards Leo and Donnie.

Casey went to Leo's side, and April watched as they started mocking each other and fake argued. She smiled, amused, but a bit upset that she didn't get to finish her question. _'I'll bring it up later,'_ she thought to herself, going inside and leaving the three outside to continue Leo's training on their own. Casey looked back at the porch, seeing that April was gone. He felt a bit bad, but he was sure she was going to ask about what was bothering him, and was a bit thankful for Leo's interruption. He'd have to make it up to her later, but for now, he was glad to postpone talking about his issues.

"Alright, Leo, settle down," Donnie finally interjected. "You still have to do katas and meditate."

"Let's do it," Leo replied, sounding enthusiastic.

"Seriously, you're the only guy I know who gets excited about training," Donnie said, smiling as Leo shot him a playful look.

They started doing katas together, with Donnie keeping an eye on Leo and Casey trying his best to sync up with them. Once they finished katas, they sat down and fell silent, trying to focus on meditating. Casey, having trouble with going into a calm thinking space, eventually got up and went to the bench under the tree, deciding to just watch. Sure, he had been feeling nice ever since yesterday, but that couldn't completely erase the thoughts of his family, not to mention that April wanted to know about it, as well. Casey got up and headed to the barn, deciding to throw himself into working on the car.

Meanwhile, Leo and Donnie finished up the training and headed back inside, with Leo talking about how hungry he was. "What's there to eat?"

"We've still got pizza," Donnie suggested.

"We have to save some for Mikey and Raph, though," Leo sighed, pouting. "Oh, what about chips?"

"Should be on the table," Donnie replied as they walked into the kitchen. "Yep, there's the chips."

Leo sat himself down at the table, opening up a bag and starting to eat some. "Donnie, I need you to be real with me for a second."

Donnie froze, trying to remain calm. "About?"

"Am I really improving? I mean, I know I am, but am I improving at a rate that'll really show soon?"

"In my opinion, yeah. You've only been training for a few days, and you're already surpassing your limits. You're doing great, Leo, trust me."

Leo sighed, relieved. "You're not just saying that, are you?"

"Why would I lie about that? I'm not a bad person or anything like that." Donnie immediately froze after saying that, his head filling with intrusive thoughts that shouted otherwise. He drew in a deep breath, trying to ignore it and opening the fridge. "Want anything to drink?"

"I'm fine with whatever," Leo replied. "Surprise me, I trust whatever you pick."

Another swarm of intrusive thoughts. Donnie pulled out some soda, shutting the fridge a bit too harshly. He hoped Leo wouldn't notice, but he looked back and it was clear Leo had. "Sorry, guess I've got more muscle than I realized," Donnie joked, plastering a smile on his face and forcing a laugh to try to make his story believable.

Leo smiled a bit. "Happens to the best of us." Leo grabbed a handful of chips, holding it out. "Want some?"

"Pass; you crushed them, anyways," Donnie replied.

Leo looked in his hand, shining an innocent smile as he saw that Donnie was right. "Oops."

Donnie grabbed some cups to pour the soda in, his back turned to Leo. _'Why are the bad thoughts coming back? Things are going okay, I was starting to feel good again, why is this happening? It isn't fair... I thought this was over...'_

"Everything okay?"

Donnie snapped out of his thoughts. "Yeah, I'm just trying to fill them up as high as I can, but making sure it's not too high to where it'd spill out."

Leo raised a brow, unsure. "That's a lot of thinking for soda."

"You know me, I've got the overactive brain," Donnie replied, wanting to change the subject.

"Are you sure everything's okay?"

"There's nothing to worry about, Leo," Donnie said, forcing a reassuring tone. "Everything's fine."

"...Donnie, with everything that's been going on lately, I'd understand if something was bothering you," Leo said softly. "Really, if something's wrong, you can t- -"

"I said I'm fine," Donnie said abruptly, turning sharply to face Leo. In doing this, he gripped the cups in his hands a bit too hard, and some soda spilled out. Leo froze at Donnie's sudden lash back, unsure of how to proceed. Donnie looked down at his hands, seeing that the soda was trailing down his hands. "...it was too high. My mistake." Donnie set down the cups, embarrassed and guilty that he snapped back at Leo. He glanced up at Leo briefly, seeing a look of concern and guilt on Leo's face. Donnie looked back down, sighing and mumbling "great, just great."

"Donnie- -"

"Sorry," Donnie cut off, lowering his head and storming out of the kitchen.

Leo watched as Donnie stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Leo wasn't sure what just happened, but he knew he had a hand in upsetting Donnie. Leo sunk into his seat, lowering his head in his hands. _'...what did I do wrong now? I thought things between us were okay... am I annoying him? Am I angering him? Is he finally showing me just how mad he's been at me all these months?'_ The day that seemed to be leading up to a good end soured immediately. Leo knew at this rate, he was going to hold back, and his nightmares would return.


	25. Face the Music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Donnie had went to the barn to avoid his problems, just as Casey had earlier. Telling Casey what had happened earlier, Casey suggested that Donnie sleep in the makeshift bed Casey made in the back of the van. Donnie accepted the offer, quickly going to the van and waiting for his slumber to rule over his bad thoughts. Eventually, it had, and Donnie was glad that he would escape reality. Casey, having worked too much, decided to crash in the car, feeling too tired to go walk to the house. April slept on one of the couch chairs, a bit upset that Casey had managed to evade her the rest of the day, and she knew it was intentional. She went to sleep before dark thoughts could cloud her mind, thankfully. Leo, though, succumbed to the theory he had earlier: nightmares.

He kept tossing and turning and waking up in cold sweats. No matter the fact that he knew it was just a nightmare, the feeling of fear and hopelessness wouldn't go away. It always took him too long to finally snap out of it. Thankfully, he hadn't woken up April, by some sort of miracle. Whenever he woke up from nightmares, a new pain in his leg would flare; a pain he hadn't felt before. Every time he awoke from the nightmares, right when Shredder attacked, he felt the pain in his leg from when Shredder inflicted the injury all over again and had to do his best to hold in his sounds of agonizing pain. He wasn't even sure if he would manage to get some rest at all throughout the day. What would keep him awake the most was the thought of Donnie hating him. After having shot awake for the umpteenth time, Leo decided it was enough. He slowly got up and left the house, walking into the woods and not looking back.

Hours had passed, and it was nearing noon.

Casey finally woke up, his hair a mess. He stretched, arched his back, got out of the car and left the barn, heading to the house. He went in and headed for the bathroom, freshening up and deciding to check on Mikey and Raph. He peeked inside Mikey's room and didn't see him in there, a bit curious. He shut the door and headed for Raph's room, opening the door and finding the two turtles talking. They looked up, waving at Casey. Casey waved back and shut the door, leaving them be. He headed downstairs, peeking inside the living room and seeing only April, who was still asleep. He went to the kitchen, expecting to see Leo in there, surprised when he didn't. He went back outside, looking around the house and yard twice just to make sure. He checked inside the van, seeing that Donnie was still asleep. Casey looked at the woods, his brow furrowing. _'...he wouldn't... actually, yeah, he would.'_ Casey sighed, heading into the woods, starting his search for Leo.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Casey found Leo, sitting in front of a stream of water. "Trying to master the elements?"

Leo looked over his shoulder. "How did you know I was here?"

"I didn't, dude, I looked all around for ya. What're you doin', anyways? Somethin' up?"

"I just wanted to be alone for a bit."

"How long is 'a bit' though?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It kinda does, dude. You didn't leave us any message. What if somethin' happened to ya? To us? If I didn't find ya, who knows if they woulda been able to?"

Leo sighed. "Sorry, I know you're right. I just couldn't sleep last night."

"It's chill, dude. Ya wanna talk about it?"

"I pissed off Donnie yesterday, but I'm not sure what I did. I kept overthinking and couldn't sleep. I want to ask, but I feel like he'd just snap at me again. I don't know, it's just frustrating."

"You don't feel like you can talk to him again, don'tcha?"

"That obvious?" Casey shrugged. "I thought things between us were okay, but... I guess not."

"Well, things can't be okay if ya don't tell him what's up," Casey replied. "I'm not tryna get all cliche and wise or whatever, but it's true."

"I know, I know. I thought I'd be able to soon, but now that this happened, all the progress I made just feels like its erased indefinitely, and now I'll have to try to earn back that progress again."

Casey sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Listen, I'll make ya an offer. Ya know everyone's dealin' with shit in the house. That includes me. Whenever ya talk to Donnie, I'll tell ya what's been botherin' me."

"Aren't we all supposed to talk together at some point and tell each other anyways?"

"Yeah, but if ya happen to tell him before then, I'll spill my guts."

Leo sighed. "...fine. Now can you help me up?" Casey walked to Leo's side, helping him up and handing him his crutches. "...I didn't know you cared that much about me," Leo said.

Casey flushed, darting his eyes away. Leo laughed at Casey's flustering, elbowing him. "Wh-whatever," Casey mumbled, smiling meekly as Leo laughed a bit more. Once they finally reached the house, they both watched as Donnie stepped out of the van and met their gazes. Leo looked away as Casey raised two fingers and waved them, while Donnie watched them walk into the house. Leo went for the stairs, while Casey went to the kitchen. He stopped as he saw April standing at the fridge, looking for something to snack on. She caught his gaze and closed the fridge, her arms folded over her chest. "Hey, Red."

"Hi," April replied. "How'd you sleep?"

"Ah, well, sleepin' in the beat up car always leaves some nicks. You?"

"Decent, I guess." April turned around, continuing her search for snacks.

Casey rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry." April froze, turning around a bit to look at him. "I know you're mad at me, and ya have a right to be. I just... I didn't think you'd be askin' so soon."

April looked down for a moment, sighing and dropping her arms to her sides. "I'm being a jerk. I get it being too early to ask, I just wanna help somehow, is all."

"I'll tell ya later tonight, in the van, alright?"

April looked back up, noticing that Casey wasn't looking at her. "No, it's okay. I don't want you to be worked up about it."

"I keep my word, Red. Tonight."

"...if you're sure," April replied. "Where'd you and Leo go?"

"I had to go drag him outta the woods- - he went hidin'. He and Donnie are kinda back to bein' awkward around each other again."

April sighed. "Why?"

Casey shrugged. "Donnie and Leo didn't give me much to go on, but they both feel like the other is mad at 'em."

"...maybe we should do that talk thing tonight instead," April suggested.

"I dunno," Casey replied hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Tension's high, everyone's got some kinda beef... dunno if anyone's ready to be up front about it."

"I know, I just hate all this awkwardness. I'm over it."

Casey chuckled a bit. "I hear that."

* * *

Gripping his hands on the sides of the sink, Leo glanced up at his reflection. He sighed, turning on the faucet and running some water over his face. He turned it back off, sliding his hand down his face to get some water off his face. He stared at his reflection for a good minute, trying to remain calm. So what he saw Donnie? Donnie's his brother, he's lived with him for 15 years, they've been in arguments before... so why can't they just make up already? Why is it so hard to reach out? He finally left the bathroom, deciding to check in on Raph. He popped his head in, seeing Raph and Mikey talking. They paused, saying hey to Leo before they went back to talking. Leo smiled and shut the door, not wanting to further interrupt their conversation. He headed down the steps, deciding to do something he hadn't done ever since he woke up.

He went outside, sitting on the bench swing and plugging in some headphones into his T-Phone. He pulled up the playlist he only plays for moments like this- his angsty tween playlist. Of course, it's a sort of cringe and able-to-mock kind of playlist, but hey, the songs feel like the only thing that understand him right now, and that's why he's glad he decided against deleting this secret playlist of his. He placed the headphones over his head, ready to experience a flashback of tween emotions. Even though it had been ages since he listened to these songs, he still knew all the words by heart. He mouthed along to the songs, shutting his eyes and closing out everything around him. He opened his eyes, deciding he didn't want to be out in the open. He went towards the van, making sure no one was inside of it, and secluded himself inside it, making himself comfortable on the makeshift bed in the back. He carefully laid down, shut his eyes, and eventually, the music lulled him to sleep.

* * *

Donnie decided he had hid in the barn long enough. He gave himself a pep talk, making himself face the music. He drew in a breath, coming out into the light and heading towards the farmhouse. He stepped in, his nerves piquing already. If he saw Leo, he'd make conversation. If not, that's fine. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!.. right? He stepped into the kitchen, seeing April and Casey snacking. They raised their heads, waving at him. He smiled meekly, rummaging through the fridge to munch on something for himself. Once he found something, he shut the fridge, pulled out a chair and plumped right into it, deciding eating was a good distraction.

"So," Casey started. "You gonna talk to Leo?"

Donnie narrowed his eyes at Casey. "What am I supposed to say? Sorry I snapped at you yesterday, let's pretend it never happened and fast forward through the awkwardness?"

"Well, not like that," Casey replied, taking a bite of his snack. "Donnie, you gotta talk to him sooner or later. Ain't it killin' ya just holdin' it in?"

Donnie didn't reply to that. He took a bite of his snack, ignoring the question.

"It's either you two talk about it to each other or in front of everyone else. Your choice." Donnie and Casey looked surprised to hear such a crass-like statement from April. They stared at her, unsure of how to react. April looked between the two of them, confused. "What? I'm just saying that's how it is for everyone in the house. Either we tell the person we need to talk to, or we have to tell everyone. It's how it is."

Casey stifled a laugh, liking this side of April he rarely gets to see. "Red's gotcha there, D."

"That goes for you too, Jones, you have to fess up, too," Donnie sniped back, not liking the sudden spotlight shining on him.

April, seeing the look of shock and annoyance on Casey's face after Donnie's comment, realizes that Casey has told Donnie what's been eating at him. She takes a deep breath, trying to remain calm. All the tension and emotions around the house are really starting to get to her. She shot up out of her seat, heading out of the kitchen. Donnie, looking confused, looks to Casey, who seems defeated, for some reason.

"Thanks, Donnie," Casey grumbled, angrily taking another bite out of his snack.

"What?"

"Forget it. Talk to Leo, dude, you needa clear the air." With that said, Casey got out of his seat and went to go after April. Donnie sighed, unsure if he was ready to face the music. Why did he have to backtrack all his progress? Why did he have to be so stupid?

* * *

"Holy sh- -"

"What the- -"

April and Leo sighed, trying to calm down after scaring each other. April had slammed the van doors hard and hadn't seen Leo before she climbed in, and Leo's sudden jolt from his sleep and sharp gasp startled her. Leo paused his music and slid off his headphones, propping himself up a bit with one arm. He rubbed his eyes, collecting his breath from the sudden surprise.

"You scared the shit outta me," Leo laughed. Seeing that April seemed tense, he decided to stop joking around. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's really stupid," April sighed, rubbing the sides of her head.

"Doesn't seem like it, but I'm here if ya wanna talk."

"Not when you're nowhere to be found," April replied, smiling at him. "This where you've been hiding?" Eyeing the headphones, she raised her eyebrows. "What were you listening to?"

Leo, not wanting to reveal his secret playlist, gave a meek smile. "Just, uh, random songs."

"Can I listen with you?"

"Uh," Leo was at a loss for words. "...no..."

April chuckled. "Why not? Afraid our tastes are different?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"C'mon, just play some songs, Leo."

"Nah, I'm goooood."

"Fine," April said, crossing her arms over her chest, seemingly dropping the topic. Leo, relieved, let his guard down, laying back down. He was about to ask April something when he saw her launch toward his T-Phone. He immediately shot up, reaching for his T-Phone. He managed to grab it first, laughing confidently as April looked irritated. She smiled smugly. "I'm not going down without a fight."

She then reached for it again, and Leo kept waving his arm around to avoid her grabby hands. They kept rolling around the van, fighting for the T-Phone. April, tired of rolling around, got Leo to lay flat and immediately jumped on top of him, grabbing his arms and pinning them down. Leo, thrown off, loosened his grip a bit as he realized how close April's face was to his. April leaned down a bit, smiling as she swiped the phone away from him. She immediately slid off of him, quickly pulling up his playlist he was trying to hide.

"Oh my gosh," April said, a surprised look on her face as she read some of the songs.

"Oh hell," Leo groaned, preparing for the taunts.

"You have so many songs I listened to when I was like, in my cringe age! This brings back memories- - is this what you were wanting to hide?"

Leo, surprised that he wasn't being taunted, nodded. "Y-yeah. You listened to these songs?"

"Practically everyone in their tween ages listen to these songs, Leo, of course I did. Can I play it?"

"Sure," Leo replied, smiling a bit. "I thought I was the only one who listened to those songs."

"That's how everyone who listens to these songs feels, don't worry." April played a song, both she and Leo bopping their heads to it. "Though, I gotta ask- - you're feeling down, aren't you? Enough to pull up these songs, anyway."

"Ah, it's just this whole Donnie thing," Leo sighed, rubbing the corners of his eyes. "Yesterday he just snapped, and I dunno what I did exactly to make him so mad. I keep running it through my head, trying to figure it out, but I just can't. I guess I'll just apologize whenever I see him. But for now, I'm just hiding out."

April pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on top of them as she watched Leo down on his carapace. She chewed on the bottom of her lip, looking away as she went deep into thought. They sat in silence, letting the music fill the air. Leo had his chin resting on top of his folded arms, replaying what went down last night yet again. He glanced at April, noticing that she looked in a bit of a funk.

"Hey." When April didn't reply, Leo reached his arm out and twiddled his fingers in front of her, retracting his arm when she finally looked at him. "How you holding up?"

April gave him an empty smile. She wasn't sure why, but she did. "I don't know. I just want to skip over this stuff and get to the part where we're all okay again."

Leo smiled at that. "Same here." Leo looked down, taking in a deep breath. "...I think... I'm gonna tell Donnie."

April raised a brow. "Really?"

Leo laughed a bit at her response. "You make it sound like you've been waiting for this moment for ages."

April chuckled. "I just want you two to patch things up. You two have been beating yourselves up about this for- -"

"What do you mean?"

"What?"

"Donnie's been beating himself up about what?"

April paused, confused for a second before she realized what just happened. She sat up, unsure of how to answer Leo's question. She basically just told Leo what Donnie didn't want him to know- - what was she supposed to do now?

"April?"

"Don't mention that I said anything."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"No, I already said too much."

"April- -"

"I'm serious, Leo, you and Donnie need to talk to each other. If you don't talk to each other now, you're going have to explain your feelings in front of everyone before you get a chance to tell Donnie himself. I don't think you want that."

Leo laughed a bit uneasily. "No sugarcoating that, huh?"

"It's how it is for everyone in the house, Leo. And that's what's stressing me out."

Leo gave her a sympathetic look. "I know what you mean."

They fell in silence again, taking in the lyrics of the songs. The six teens supposed it was high time to face the music sooner or later. Hopefully they'd get to face it on their terms.


	26. I'll Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"How's your face?"

"I'll live."

"Raph," Mikey playfully whined, but genuinely worried.

Raph smiled a bit. "It still hurts but it's bearable."

"Did I knock a tooth out?"

"If ya did, we'd have a problem. Well, 'sides the one we got now."

Mikey chuckled. "I'm kinda findin' myself not feelin' so mad about it anymore."

"Ya sure?"

"I dunno. I'm not mad at ya as much anymore."

"We got a ways to go, Mikey, but I'm glad ya don't hate me."

"And you don't hate me, right?"

Raph gave Mikey a gentle smile. "No, I don't hate ya." They shared a gentle laugh, about to talk about something else when Leo suddenly appeared. "'Sup, Leo?"

"Hey, how's your shell? Are you feeling okay?"

"I'll live, that's what counts," Raph replied, smiling. Seeing that Leo didn't laugh along, he mumbled "sorry, too soon to joke about it?"

"All of us have a problem of feeling too guilty when it's not needed," Mikey replied to Raph's mumble, smiling a bit.

"Are you two kinda patching things up?" Leo asked.

"We're gettin' there, we're kinda bein' how we were before 'cause we said basically everythin' we needed to," Mikey said. "We're good. You good?"

"I don't know," Leo laughed meekly. "Raph, were you forreal about the whole having a sit down and telling everyone what's going on thing?"

"...yeah?" Raph answered, confused. "I mean, everyone in this house is goin' through somethin', and if we don't talk to each other about what's botherin' us, things might not get fixed. Why?"

"So if I don't tell Donnie about why I'm being weird around him before then, I'll have to tell him in front of everyone?"

"What?" Raph carefully sat up, having to sit up to register this. "What do you mean?"

"Is that how it has to go down?"

Mikey stood up, looking at Leo cautiously. "Dude, ease up, don't get worked up. Just take us through it."

Leo sighed, running a hand over his face. "Sorry, it's just freaking me out. What did you mean by we all have to be real with each other?"

"...what I said is what I meant, Leo," Raph replied. "Dude, you're confusing the hell outta me, I really don't know where you're gettin' at."

"Okay, 'cause I think soon, I'm gonna tell Donnie what's been bothering me, but I'm worried that maybe the talk with everyone will come before I tell Donnie one-on-one. I don't wanna tell him what's going on in front of everyone- - that's embarrassing."

"Okay, you're really gettin' the wrong idea of what I meant by a sit down. I just meant like, whenever everyone tells whoever they gotta talk to what's goin' on and there's some resolve, we all sit together and tell each other like... like, for example, me, April and Mikey are all kinda feelin' the same way, and we wanna let you guys know why we acted the way we did at times and what kind of help we need whenever we're actin' like that again and stuff like that. It's not a fucking call-out thing, it's somethin' I think we needa do by this point."

"...alright," Leo replied, drawing out a breath. "Sorry, we've all been freaking out about it."

Raph raised a brow. "Shit, sorry. That just kinda proves my point- - there's no real talk between everyone anymore, and things get outta hand too easily. It's just a real talk session, that's it. Not a call out thing or a blame game or whatever you guys were thinking." Mikey noticed how tense and on-the-fence Raph was becoming, so he sat back down and gave Raph a soft look. Raph shifted his gaze to Mikey, seeing that Mikey was trying to calm him down. Raph sighed, giving Mikey a small smile. "Thanks, Mikey." Raph looked back to Leo. "So you're gonna tell Donnie soon then? You feel ready to?"

"I just feel like if I don't, something bad is gonna happen."

Both Mikey and Raph became worried. "What do you mean, bro?" Mikey asked.

"I don't know, I just... I feel like something's gonna happen if I don't tell him soon, and that's what's worrying me. And I... I think Donnie has something to say to me too? That's kinda how April made it sound... I mean, I felt like Donnie wanted to talk to me about something, but now that I know, I'm scared that he's gonna tell me how pissed off he's been or something like that. He exploded yesterday, and I feel like I'm just messing things up by holding back for so long."

"If that's the case, bro, tell him when you really feel you're ready to tell him, not outta fear. You gotta do it when you're ready to talk about it, dude."

"I know, it's just nerve-wrecking."

Mikey stood up and walked over to Leo, placing a hand on one of Leo's shoulders gently. "If you're scared, ya care. If you weren't scared, this would be a way worse situation. No matter what, bro, we've got your back, okay?"

Leo looked to the ground, sighing softly and nodding. He looked back up at Mikey, giving him a small smile. "Alright. Anyways, I'm gonna go downstairs and grab some snacks, do you guys want me to bring up any?"

"Do we have chips or cookies or anything like that?" Raph asked.

"Chips, yeah, I'll be back with them." Leo headed out of the room, leaving the two alone again. Mikey walked back towards and sat down next to Raph.

"Ya notice he hasn't slept, too, right?" Mikey asked.

"There's no missing that," Raph replied. "Maybe he kept over thinking about this whole Donnie thing last night."

"That's our bros for ya. And that thing he said about everyone bein' stressed about the whole talking thing- - maybe we should clear the message?"

Raph smiled a bit. "Might be best to, since they're all takin' it the wrong way. Hey, I was wonder- - hey!" Raph exclaimed as bags of chips were hurled towards him and Mikey, landing on him.

Leo laughed a bit, amused. "Hey, you should be happy for me- - my training is paying off well!" Leo said innocently, flashing a smile. "Don't you want to encourage my progress?"

"You'll be encouraged when I'm chasin' ya around with my fists," Raph growled playfully. Leo shot him some finger guns before popping out of the room, leaving them alone for real. Mikey was laughing at their bickering, starting to calm down as they both started opening the bags.

"You were sayin'?" Mikey pressed on.

"What?"

"You said you were wondering..."

"Oh, right," Raph mumbled. "I was thinkin'... whenever you're up for it, we could start binge watching that show we were watching before... all this stuff happened."

Mikey raised his brows. "Oh."

"It's okay if you're not up for it- -"

"I am," Mikey interrupted. "I just... can we do it whenever everyone is asleep or somethin'? Being in a room with everyone would feel... too intense for me, if ya know what I mean..."

"I getcha," Raph empathized. "We can do that. After all, our sleep schedules are outta whack anyways." They both smiled at each other, digging into their snacks. They started talking about random things, glad they could have casual conversations.

* * *

"...can't just tell him, 'hey, Leo, this is how I feel,' that's too sudden- -" Donnie and Casey froze as Leo stepped in front of the doorway of the kitchen. "H-hey, Leo, what's up?"

"Oh, I uh, was just gonna grab some snacks..." Leo replied, looking away. "I'll be quick." He hurriedly grabbed some drinks and snacks for himself and April, heading out of the kitchen as fast as his hobble leg would let him. In his rush to get out of Donnie's range, he didn't take into account how close he was to the frame of the doorway, and his bad knee had bumped into it. He froze up immediately, sucking in a deep breath and trying to keep his composure. Instinctively, he bent down and wrapped his hands around his knee, as if he could shield them from the pangs and jolts of pain.

Casey and Donnie immediately shot up, going over to Leo. "Dude, let's sit you down," Casey suggested, curling an arm around Leo.

"N-no," Leo hissed through his teeth. "I-I'll live."

"Doesn't mean you can't be in a less painful spot."

Leo raised his arm and placed his hand around Casey's upper arm, using it as support to raise himself up. "I'll.. just leave," Leo replied. "Don't worry about it. I'm just gonna head back outside."

"Are you sure, dude?"

"Leo, really, if you need help- -" Donnie started.

"I'm fine," Leo said a bit too loudly. "Just- - let me do this on my own. This is painful enough."

"...what is?"

Leo fell silent. He slowly stood back up straight, and limped out without another word. Casey looked to Donnie, who looked defeated.

"...he probably just felt like being helped was too embarrassing since you guys are kinda... weird again," Casey said.

"It felt like more, though," Donnie sighed. "He sounded... kind of mad?"

"I didn't get that vibe. Seriously, Don, you needa tell him."

"I think he overheard just enough to get that something's bothering me, though. He clearly heard me say his name. Now he thinks I'm actually mad- - oh shit, what if he thought me asking if he needed help was a taunt? Or that I was trying to belittle him? Ohhhhhh shit," Donnie groaned, sliding his hands down his face. "This is so bad. Shit, this is bad."

Casey sighed, knowing nothing was going to ease Donnie's conscience now. "...why don't we play some video games to distract ya, D?"

"...you're not gonna try to cheer me up?"

"I know when the point of no return is when it comes to ya. The only thing that'll work is a distraction, and video games are a good one, right?"

"...okay, yeah, let's get distracted."

* * *

"Open the door open the door open the door open the door- -"

"Okay okay!" April replied quickly, stumbling to open the van doors. She opened them, and Leo threw the snacks and drinks inside before he extended his arms to protect his face and upper body as he fell towards the van's floor.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck," Leo hissed. "P-pull me in, pull me in- -"

"What happened?" April asked worriedly as she grabbed Leo's arms and pulled him inside, shutting the doors behind him. Leo quickly sat up and lifted his bad leg up, quickly cradling his knee. "Leo, what happened to your knee? Did you fall?"

"N-no, I bumped it into the door frame really hard trying to leave the kitchen," Leo breathed quickly. "Shit this fucking hurts- -"

"Is someone bringing a bag of ice or anything?"

"No, I told them to let me walk out alone- -"

"Leo! Come on that was stupid!" April cried, finding herself a bit irritated with Leo's choice. "I'll go get you a bag of ice, okay? I'll be right back."

"I'll be here," Leo joked dryly, continuing to succumb to the pain as April rushed out of the van.

April ran inside the house and into the kitchen, quickly grabbing a large zip bag, stuffing ice into it, picking up a towel rag and rushing back out, not pausing to look Donnie or Casey in the eye. She quickly returned to the van, climbing back in and handing the materials to Leo. "Okay. I get it."

"Get what?" Leo asked, having started to get a hold of his breathing.

"How you bumped your knee- - Donnie was in there, you didn't wanna push boundaries, you tried to rush out- - bam, there goes your knee."

"How did you get all that from a trip to the kitchen?"

"Because I saw Casey and we're... well, not fighting, but it's weird right now. I'm just overreacting, though."

"N-no no, what's going on?" Leo asked, carefully placing the ice on his knee. He jolted a bit, but forced himself to stay still.

"Well, you know how everyone's got this tension with someone else? There's not tension between me and Casey, but he said he was going to tell me what was bothering him, and then he dodged me yesterday to avoid answering, then we were talking and he said he'd tell me tonight and then he and Donnie start bickering and I figure out that he's told Donnie what's bothering him, which is kind of... I don't know how to put it, I guess kind of hurtful?... 'cause I've known Casey longer than any of you four, and it's like he doesn't trust me or something." Leo gave April a soft look. He extended his arm out, inviting her to sit at his side. She smiled a bit, sliding to his side and leaning on him carefully. He wrapped his arm around her, trying to comfort her. "...am I being overdramatic or something? Be honest."

"No, you're not," Leo replied. "I get what you mean. And don't hate me, but I get why Casey did what he did."

"Can you explain it to me, then?"

"It's like... telling someone you haven't known for as long doesn't make things feel different or that things have changed. But once you tell something to someone who's really close to you, it feels like everything's changed and there's no turning back. He wasn't ready to reveal his vulnerability. He wasn't ready for things to change, but like you said, he plans to tell you, so now he's ready for change. You know what I mean?"

April stayed quiet, but she turned more towards Leo, laying her head on his shoulder. "...that makes sense."

"Things will turn up, April, I'm sure of it."

"And the same goes for you, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's the same for everyone, I guess. We don't face the truth until we're ready for change. Kind of the same with you and Donnie."

"Most definitely," Leo replied, smiling a bit. His smile dropped thinking about a few moments earlier. "...I think he really is mad at me or something."

"Why?"

"When I went to get some snacks for us, he and Casey were talking and I overheard him say 'hey, Leo, this is how I feel,' and he stopped when I walked in. I don't know. It just sucks."

April looped her arms around Leo's arm, giving it a squeeze. "I know. The sooner you tell him what's up, the better, you know."

"Yeah, yeah," Leo sighed. "Don't rub it in." April chuckled a bit, making Leo smile a bit. "Either way... guess I'll live."

"Oh, why is that a mood," April smiled.


	27. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Casey had been sitting outside on the swinging bench for some time, waiting to see April. He didn't want to seek her out- - he knew she was upset and wanted her to come when she was ready. As nervous as he felt, he was ready to tell April what was going on with him. He twiddled with his hands, a leaf, his shirt- - anything to distract him from waiting. April peeked out from the van window, seeing Casey sitting on the bench. He hadn't moved for a while. She lowered herself back down, taking in a deep breath.

"You going out there?" Leo asked.

"Yeah," April replied quietly. "Guess it's time."

Leo reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You'll be alright, April. You're tough."

April smiled a bit, nodding. She opened the van doors, closing them behind her and walking towards Casey. Casey heard distant steps on the grass, seeing the familiar pair of boots walking towards him. He lifted his head up, watching as she came closer. She finally joined his side and sat down beside him, both of them sitting in silence. It was dusk now. They hadn't talked for about half the day. How were they going to pick up a conversation? Or even start one?

"...I'm sorry."

"No, I understand why, Casey. It's okay. I was just... taking things too far."

"No you weren't, Red, I get why you were mad. I just..."

"You don't have to if you're not ready, Jones, honest."

"I am, and a promise's a promise." Casey took a deep breath. "I get why you broke down like ya did, first off, and I wanna say sorry for not noticing that you needed help. I'ma try more to be there for ya, Red, I don't want ya to feel that low ever again. But what's been eatin' at me is... I feel bad for leavin' my family behind. It's my fault they're left back there, and I don't know what happened to 'em."

"None of us knew we were going to be invaded, though, it's not your fault- -"

"Yeah, but that's not the reason. I hate myself 'cause I didn't think of checkin' on them or callin' them sooner. If I had checked on 'em or called, maybe I'd know what happened to 'em. Maybe they'd be alive if I had checked sooner. I coulda helped them find a hiding place, or brought them with us, or kept them safe, or let them go find a safe place while I distracted the fucking Kraang. I know we were all tryna make a plan to stop the Kraang and fight back, but I shoulda fuckin' checked in on 'em, April. I don't know where they are, what they are. I dunno if they're safe and hiding out, I dunno if they're mutated, I dunno if they were captured- - 'cause of me, they could be fucking dead and it'd be all my fault for not checkin' in sooner. I fucking let them down. I failed them, and now because of me, I might never see 'em again." Casey laughed sadly, running a hand through his hair. "I live up to my reputation of being a worthless piece of shit. Good for nothin', not even good enough to deserve a fucking family."

April was speechless. It brought tears to her eyes. It made her think of her father. She doesn't know what's become of him, either, and it was just an intense rush of emotions. She had no idea something so heavy was burdening her best friend. What broke her more was seeing the tears filling up in Casey's eyes, and how he wouldn't allow himself to cry. His jaw was clenched, his fists were balled up so tight that his knuckles were white, he was shaking- - and yet, he wouldn't let himself cry. He still tried to keep up a strong front through all the pain he was enduring. April felt pathetic that she was crying and Casey wasn't.

"Casey," April sniffled, grabbing his shoulders and making him look her eye-to-eye. "I'm so fucking sorry." She pulled him in her embrace, and she buried her face in his shoulder. She hugged him tight, trying to get him to cry. Casey was still trying to keep his composure. April pulled back, looking at Casey again. "Casey, please, don't hold it in, you're gonna hurt yourself. Please, I'm begging you. Drop the act and let it out. I don't want what happened to me to happen to you." Casey shut his eyes, trying to turn his head away, but April grabbed the sides of his face and made him look straight. "Casey, stop it. Listen, I'm here for you, it's just us two here. It's not your fault, you did your best to protect your family. And you deserve all the fucking great things in life, you're not worthless, you deserve to feel happy again. And no matter what happens- -"

"Stop," Casey spat, feeling himself start to lose composure. "Stop it, stop."

"No matter what happens, Casey- -"

"Please, April- -"

"You will always have a family, and I and the rest of us fucking love you and you deserve a family- -" Casey dropped his head down, unable to look up anymore. His head fell on April's shoulder, and he just collapsed and finally succumbed to the tears he had been fighting for months. "- - and we will always love you, you will always be our family no matter what happens." April wrapped her arms back around him, pulling him as close to her as she could. She rubbed his back and held him close. "I promise, when we get back, I'll help you find out what happened to them. I'm here for you. You will always have a family."

They sat in silence as Casey let out all the pent up emotions. It took a while, but April didn't mind at all. She wanted to be there for him as much as she could be. She whispered gentle things to him, trying to provide comfort to her best friend. After a while, Casey's chest stopped rising and falling so much, and the wet spot on April's shoulder wasn't as wet and damp as before. They just sat there together, in each other's embrace. Once Casey had stopped crying, April gently dropped her arms down from around his neck down to around his back, a loose hold on him. Casey slumped his arms to his side, the strength in his body gone.

"...did that help at all?" April asked softly. Casey nodded once, not lifting his head from April's shoulder. "Casey, I'm really sorry. I don't want to make it about me, but I understand how you feel. I know how horrible it feels to wonder what happened to your family. I know how it feels to feel guilty for what happened. I'm so sorry I wasn't there enough for you. I wish I could've helped sooner. I'm so sorry."

"...don't be sorry, you were going through your own stuff, too. It's good you started to get a handle on how to get through your stuff. I shoulda been more there for ya too, Red, and I'm sorry. And... I'm always gonna be here for ya, I promise."

April chuckled softly. "Stop, I'm supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around." Casey let out a slight chuckle, but he sounded tired. April gently grabbed him by the shoulders and lifted him up, raising one of her hands to cradle his face. "Let's get you some water, yeah?" She stood up from the bench, grabbing Casey's hand and helping him up. They started walking towards the house, their arms around each other and Casey's head resting on top of April's. They reached the kitchen, and April eased Casey into a chair. She grabbed him a glass of water and handed it to him. "Are you hungry at all?"

"Nah," Casey replied softly. He rubbed the corners of his eyes, sighing and drinking his water. He finished it and set the glass aside. He chuckled a bit. "I bet I look like a mess."

April smiled softly. "Don't worry about that."

"So you don't deny it," Casey replied, smiling as April searched for words.

"Jones, don't make me hurt you. You don't look like a mess. You look... softer."

"That's exactly the opposite of what I'm goin' for. I'm supposed to look tough, not soft. It ruins my image."

"Well, I happen to like soft Casey, so he can't be all that bad." Casey looked down, but smiled. "Let's get you to bed, yeah?"

"Yeah, alright," Casey replied, letting out a yawn. "How 'bout the van?"

"Whatever you want."

They walked outside and to the van, where they opened the doors to a snoozing Leo. April smiled and bent over, shaking his arm. Leo slowly opened his eyes, seeing April and Casey. "...what time is it," Leo mumbled, shutting his eyes and sighing.

"Night time," Casey replied. "Sorry, Leo, the van's reserved for Jones tonight."

Leo smiled tiredly, starting to climb out. "She's all yours." Once Leo was standing outside, April climbed in. Casey was about to when Leo suddenly placed a hand on Casey's shoulder. Casey looked at Leo's hand, then at Leo. "We've got your back, Jones, whatever happens. Got it?"

Casey nodded, smiling tiredly at Leo. "Got it." Casey climbed into the van, he and April saying good night to Leo as he walked into the house. April made sure there were enough layers of blankets laid out to where it was soft when you laid down and also had some pillows laid out, as well as an extra blanket on the side just in case. April waved her arms over it.

"Time for bed, Jones," April said playfully, smiling. "You'll have the floor tonight. I'll sleep on the seats."

"Nah, you should have the floor, Red, I don't want ya uncomfortable on those seats."

"I'll be fine. Besides, they recline." Casey raised his eyebrows. "I'm not budging, Casey. You need good rest tonight. We can fight about the seats tomorrow."

"It'll be pointless tomorrow."

"Exactly." April innocently smiled, making Casey chuckle a bit. "Like I said; bed time." Casey sighed, climbing onto the 'bed' and getting comfortable. April climbed into the seats, throwing the blanket that was tossed onto one of the seats on top of her and resting her head on a throw pillow. She reclined the seats a bit, as comfortable as she could be and closing her eyes.

Casey was perfectly comfortable, ready for bed. He shut his eyes, letting out a yawn. "Night, Red."

"Night, Casey."

"Red?"

"Yeah?"

"...thanks."

"Always."


	28. Compromise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

_'Thanks, body, a two hour nap was totally fucking enough sleep to keep me functioning, yeah,'_ Leo thought aggressively to himself as he trudged into the house. He gladly handed the van over to April and Casey, but the only downside was that he had finally managed to sleep, and now that he was awake, he suddenly wasn't tired anymore. _'Great, this is what I need, yeah.'_ Leo sighed bitterly, heading to the kitchen, deciding he might as well just snack. He wasn't exactly hungry, but there was nothing else to do to pass the time. He made himself a scrambled egg sandwich and grabbed some water, eating alone in the kitchen. His eyes were burning and felt heavy, but his body was feeling alive and well. The contrast was annoying the shell out of him. Leo carefully got up, deciding to just do the dishes. After dishes were done, he decided, what the heck, clean the kitchen. That escalated to cleaning any room he could. When he was finally done cleaning, he realized he hadn't killed as much time as he thought he had, and grew bitter.

He trotted to the living room, plopping down on the couch. He turned on the tv, thoughtlessly staring at the screen. He wasn't even paying attention- - _'why can't I just go back to sleep, what the actual hell?'_ Leo desperately wanted to sleep, but his brain wasn't letting him. Leo wasn't having it- - _'no, my body, my rules. We're going to sleep. What did Donnie always say about... oh, yeah. Electronics away for at least 30 minutes, no blue light, cold room, clear the mind...'_ Leo made sure to do all of these to assure rest would come his way. He got as comfortable as he could on the couch, closing his eyes and doing his best to clear his mind. Eventually, he didn't have to try to keep his mind clear anymore, as the first stage of REM sleep started to kick in. He felt himself falling asleep, and he was glad he could manage to do one thing himself. He quickly went to sleep.

* * *

"Leo, you alive?"

Leo drew in a breath, trying to shove away whoever was talking to him. "Mnhh."

"C'mon, dude, you're the one who wanted to be awake by 10 in the mornin', so get up."

"30 more minutes..."

"Nah."

"...10..."

"Nope."

"...5 more minutes..."

Casey sighed, reaching down and grabbing one of Leo's arms, giving it a good yank. Leo, surprised, immediately opened his eyes and grumbled. Their eyes met, and Casey raised a brow. "Sorry, dude, but if I didn't wake ya up, you'd for sure kill me later."

"Is he awake?"

"I'm still findin' out, Red."

Leo groaned, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. "I'm up," Leo replied loudly.

"Good, 'cause," April entered the room, plates of food in her hands, "breakfast is ready." Both Leo and Casey's eyes lit up. She handed each of them a plate, then left the room, yelling "you're welcome!" as she walked out.

"Thanks!" They yelled back in unison. Casey took a seat on one of the couch chairs, both of the boys eating in comfortable silence. Leo had finished first, surprised that he was more hungry than he knew. "So, how ya feelin', Jones?" Leo asked.

Casey looked over, a questioning look on his face. Once he realized, his face relaxed. He finished chewing his bite and swallowed. "I feel kinda outta it 'cause I blabbed on for a good minute, but I'm alright. Just kinda tired, y'know how it goes. What about you, dude? How's your leg?"

"It's not too bad today." Casey nodded, then went back to eating. Leo thought of asking something, but wasn't sure if he should. He took in a deep breath, then suddenly asked "you think I could spar one on one today with you?"

Casey breathed in too quickly after hearing that and coughed violently for a moment. Once he was alright, he looked at Leo with a wary expression. Seeing this, Leo sighed, feeling defeated already. "Dude, are you sure?"

Not being hit with an absolute no, Leo felt hope and resumed. "I mean, I think a light session wouldn't kill anyone, y'know what I mean? Not like a full on one-on-one, just like, maybe punches and blocks and stuff like that."

Casey dropped his gaze from Leo, thinking about it. The silence was making Leo's skin crawl. Casey sighed. "...dude, I'm not tryna make this sound rude or anythin' like that, but I don't wanna hurt ya, y'know? If I hurt ya..." Casey stopped, not wanting to finish his sentence.

"You think everyone will get mad at you if I get hurt, right?" Casey didn't respond. "Casey, this is my idea, and honestly, you're the only person I can really trust to actually put up a fair fight against me given the state I'm in right now."

"That makes me sound kinda heartless, don'tcha think?"

Leo stammered. "N-not like that, I just meant- -"

"Don't sweat it, I know what ya meant. I... I just dunno, dude. If you're really sure, and Donnie and April give it the OK, then... then yeah, I guess I can. But only if you're for sure about doin' this. If ya wanna stop, you lemme know anytime, okay? I'm serious."

A smile grew on Leo's face. "I will, I will. Thanks, Casey, really."

Casey offered a small smile. "Yeah." Casey was really nervous about this. He lost one family, and he didn't want to risk angering his other. He stood up, grabbing Leo's plate and taking it to the kitchen. He walked in to see April and Donnie chatting, seeming happy. Casey slid the dishes in the sink, trying to calm down.

"You okay, Casey?" April asked suddenly, her hand grazing his arm.

Casey turned sharply, surprised. "Oh, uh, y- -" he paused. "...you guys should know somethin'." April and Donnie looked concerned now. "It's nothin' bad, it's just, uh, basically... Leo wants to try some one-on-one sparring today- -" Casey dropped it immediately as Donnie and April marched to the living room, wanting to hear the rest from Leo himself. Leo looked surprised for a moment, but looked at Casey, and understood what was going on. Casey gave Leo an apologetic look. "Sorry, dude, I was just tryna let them know- -"

"It's cool," Leo replied, giving Casey a reassuring smile to try to ease his nerves. He looked up at his brother and April. "It's true. I wanna try some one-on-one sparring today. Do you think I'm capable of it?"

"You've shown us you're capable of it, Leo, but- -" April started, but was cut off.

"- -but you're at such a risky state to try it," Donnie finished. "I'm not sure it's the best thing to do that right now."

"I get where you're coming from, but hear me out- - I can go up the stairs myself now, I don't need as much help getting around or to sit down or to get up, I can walk about without my crutch for a good while- - I think I'm ready to at least try."

"Okay, yes, you've progressed, but... I'm not sure enough to exert that much energy and risk the many potential bad situations."

Leo, seeing that Donnie was edging on not budging, looked at April. "What do you think, April?"

April went quiet, thinking it over. "...why don't we do your regular routine first, and maybe Donnie and I can reach a compromise by then."

Donnie quickly turned his attention to April. "Compromise?"

"Donnie, he has made good progress, maybe we could just allow the upper body aspects of sparring- - no kicking, no use of the legs, no jabs under the torso, that kind of stuff- -"

"I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk that right now, April, there's an amount of things that could end badly if we let this happen- -"

"I understand that, I'm hesitant too but if we don't test the waters out then we might not know- -"

"We can try it when he shows more progress and I'm more confident- -"

Leo shot up, standing in between the two. "Cut it out," Leo said brashly. Donnie and April looked at each other for a moment, then looked away, trying to calm down. "I won't spar today or any time soon, alright? Just stop fighting. I don't need anyone mad at each other over something small." It's as if Leo had stripped away the momental parental roles from the two and placed it upon himself. "Go cool off, you two."

Leo and Donnie stared off for a moment, unsure of where they stood now. Donnie finally looked away and walked out of the room, not wanting to further taint his relationship with Leo. Casey followed Donnie, and April stayed put. Leo took in a deep breath, shutting his eyes and sitting back down. April sighed, running a hand through her hair and taking a seat herself.

"Sorry for yelling," Leo said quietly. "I didn't mean to. I just didn't want you two to get into a fight."

"It's fine, I get it," April replied.

"...so, you think I should hold off on it, then?"

"Hold off on what?" April and Leo turned their attention to the doorway of the living room, their eyes landing on Raph. "Aye. What's goin' on? Why was there yelling?"

"Don't worry about it, it's done now," Leo replied.

Raph walked in, giving Leo the stink eye. "Bull. What happened?"

"Leo asked if he could try one-on-one sparring today, and we don't know if he should," April replied. "We're hesitant, but Leo's made good progress, but Donnie's really worried about the potential bad outcomes. I suggested we try to reach a compromise, but then we started bickering and before it could get out of hand, Leo told us to stop and said we should cool off."

Raph's face softened. "Are you and Donnie mad at each other?"

"I'm not mad at him, but I don't know about him. I just feel bad."

"Don't. What'd you suggest?"

"I suggested they keep things above the torso only. So maybe practice blocking and punching and things like that, but that's when things got heated."

"I don't see anything wrong with that. Doesn't risk his leg at all."

"Balance is a factor, though, and if a blow lands harder than Leo can handle or if he dodges and loses balance... stuff like that."

"We don't have to worry about that, though, I'm not gonna do it. We'll worry about it when I get better," Leo mumbled.

"No, don't do that, don't beat yourself up," Raph said. "Listen, I'll try to talk to him, okay?"

"No no, I don't need Donnie more upset at me. It's fine, I'll just stick to the routine we've got going on." Before Raph could further argue, Leo changed the topic. "How did you get down here yourself? Are you okay?"

"Mikey helped me down, I can't go downstairs myself yet," Raph chuckled a bit. "But thanks for thinkin' I could."

"How is Mikey?" April asked, sounding somber. "Is he feeling any better?"

"He's not angry anymore, but..." Raph hesitated. He wasn't sure if Mikey wanted him to let others know what was keeping him cooped up. "...I'm not sure if it's okay for me to say, so I'm not gonna, just in case, sorry. But he's gettin' through it."

April nodded. "That's good."

"April, don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault for what went down. It's mine, I didn't respect his privacy and that's my bad. He's not mad at you, I'm not mad at you- - please don't feel bad."

April sighed. "I'm trying to remember that. I just... I really do hope he's holding in there. Did he eat breakfast?"

"Yeah," Raph smiled. "He said, and I quote, 'I told everyone to stop trying to stomp over my chef title' but he ate it all so, it's whatever."

April gave a small smile. "I'm glad he liked it." She stood up. "I'm gonna go see if Donnie's willing to talk."

"Are you sure?" Leo asked. "I'm fine with not doing it today. I really don't want you two to fight."

"It'll be okay, Leo, I'll just try to patch things up." April gave him a reassuring smile and left the room, going to find Donnie and Casey.

Leo sighed, then looked at Raph. "How's your shell feeling?"

"It's bearable," Raph replied. "I'm just tryna get used to walkin' around so that officially being off bed rest doesn't kill me or whatever. How's your leg?"

"Same, but I'm getting around better now."

"That's good, bro, I'm glad. Listen, I really am sorry I can't be beside ya with trainin' and all, and sorry if I've been makin' ya feel like ya can't talk to me 'cause of my shell and the whole, uh, runnin' away thing. I'm always around, bro."

"Don't be sorry, I don't want you to hurt yourself because of me. Just make sure when you're recovered, you come train with me, okay? And thanks for that, I was kinda worried about that, especially since I don't wanna interrupt you and Mikey patching things up, but I'll keep it in mind. I'll try to come up there more. Is Mikey okay with me being up there, by the way? I wasn't sure, I should've asked him."

"He said he's only chill with seeing you and me, but with everyone else..."

"Does he have anxiety, or does he get panicky and stuff like that when it comes to the others?" Raph nodded, dropping his head. Leo placed a hand on Raph's shoulder. "He'll get through it one step at a time, and same for you, Raph. Just do things at your guys' pace, we understand."

Raph rolled his eyes and smiled as he elbowed Leo a bit. "Jeez, we're gettin' too cheesy and shit," Raph laughed. Leo chuckled along. "But, thanks."

"...yayyyyyyy, you two are okay!" Raph and Leo looked at the doorway, surprised to see Mikey. "H-hey, yeah, don't say it, I know, I'm just... seein' how much I can handle."

"How are you, lil bro?" Leo asked.

"I'm... getting by," Mikey replied, giving Leo a hesitant smile. "I'm really nervous and anxious right now- - no one else is in the house right now, right?"

"Not that we know of, no," Leo said. "You wanna sit?"

"Not right now, thanks, I'm not tryna get comfortable and then get panicky and bolt later, y'know?" Leo and Raph nodded. "S-so, is... everything okay? Raph and I heard yelling earlier..."

"Yeah, it was just something about training, but I'm not gonna do it."

"Why not?"

"It's too risky right now, plus it almost made April and Donnie mad at each other, so I'm really not trying to piss them off, especially Donnie. And it made Casey nervous, so it's probably not the best thing to do right now." Leo glanced out the window, seeing some movement. He realized that the others were heading towards the house and shot out of his seat. "Hey, uh, they're coming." Mikey immediately backed up towards the staircase. "Here, Raph, I'ma help ya up the stairs, alright?"

"An injured person hurting another injured person up the stairs?" Raph chuckled to himself, slowly rising with Leo's help. "That's just askin' for trouble."

Leo chuckled a bit too. "Yeah, well, we'll live." Leo helped Raph walk across the room, joining Mikey's side. "You go in front, I'll go behind. With both of us, you'll both be upstairs quicker. Mikey nodded, taking the lead. They made it up the stairs, going into Raph's room and helping him settle down onto the bed. Mikey sat at the foot of the bed, trying to ease his nerves. Leo gently placed a hand on top of Mikey's head and rubbed it. "You alright?"

"I'll be okay," Mikey replied, giving Leo a soft smile. "...thanks for lookin' out for me."

"Always, bro. I'ma head back down, I'm gonna start training solo. Might as well get it over with so that the others don't stress about it later. I'll come up whenever I can, alright?"

"See ya then," Raph replied. "Be careful, dork."

"I will try," Leo replied innocently, closing the door behind him as he left the room. He grabbed the staircase railing and slowly climbed down the steps. He turned the corner and saw Donnie, Casey and April sitting in the living room, their eyes on him as soon as he stepped in. "...what's up?"

"...you can spar," Donnie said quietly.

"What?"

"But, torso up only, nothing below. You just focus on blocking and dodging first, and if you can keep your balance, then you can try throwing a couple of punches. If it goes well today, we'll try to work it in your routine."

"...are you sure?"

"Yeah. I have to try to push your boundaries a bit more, I need to try to. This isn't the worst way to do that."

"Alright, uh, thanks for putting faith in me, you guys." They gave Leo small smiles and stood up. April and Casey walked out. Donnie was about to do the same, but Leo stopped him. "Are you absolutely sure?"

"What, do you not want to do it now?"

"No, I mean I do, but... you still seem on the fence, and honestly, you look pissed."

"Of course I'm on the fence, Leo, you could get hurt, but to get you to progress further, I do have to try to have you take risks. And I'm not pissed, I'm... just worried. I don't want something bad to happen and you blame it on yourself, 'cause you've made really good progress and I don't want you to feel like you backtracked or anything like that. And I don't want you to get hurt."

"No matter what happens, it's not your fault. Whatever happens, it's on me. But, really, thanks for giving me a chance on this, Donnie, I really mean it."

Donnie's tight mouth finally relaxed, a gentle smile on his face. "Of course, Leo."

* * *

"How're you feeling, Leo?" April asked.

"I'm feeling good," Leo replied. They had finally finished his daily routine, and Leo still had some energy in him. He felt a bit stronger than he had felt in a while. "You're sure you're okay with this happening?"

"Yes, Leo, are you?" Donnie joked.

"Yes yes yes I'm just making sure." Leo looked to Casey. "Are you up for this?"

"As much as I can be, yeah," Casey replied. "Just lemme know if ya need me to stop or ease up, alright?"

"I will, don't worry." Casey and Leo stood a reasonable distance apart, both standing in the appropriate positions. Leo made sure to keep his weight on his good leg and held his feet firmly in the ground, making sure he had a good balance. "I'm blocking, you're punching."

"Gotcha." Casey raised his arms up, waiting for a go-signal. Leo nodded, ready to block. Casey nodded, drawing in a deep breath and striking out with his left arm. Leo managed to block it just in time, seemingly out of it. "You good?" Leo nodded again. Casey struck out with a right hook, which Leo blocked better.

"Just needed to get the hang of it again, I'm alright. Go again." Casey nodded, and he was steadily striking out at Leo. Leo blocked them all, feeling pretty good. "Okay, try to go a bit more faster and sporadic." Leo looked at Donnie from the corner of his eye, seeing if Donnie was going to object. When he hadn't, Leo looked back at Casey. "Got it?"

"Yeah. Alright, here it comes." Casey started going for different parts of the body above the torso at different paces. Some blows landed, but Leo quickly recovered and learned from it. With each hit, Leo started blocking better and better 'til Casey could barely get a good hit on him. "Look at Mr. Show-Off here," Casey remarked jokingly. Leo chuckled, putting a hand up to let Casey know that he needed to take a minute to breath. "You still holdin' up okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good," Leo replied. "You're getting good too, Case; remind me to try to show you new moves when I'm better, yeah?"

"Sure, dude." Casey looked at April and Donnie, who seemed relaxed and happy. "You two okay?"

"Yeah, good job, guys," April replied, smiling.

"Well, Leo, if you feel you can handle adding this into your routine, we can," Donnie said. "How about it?"

"Yeah," Leo smiled. "Sounds good. Can I try one more thing, though?"

"...what is it?"

"Blocking with just one hand."

"You've been doing that, though."

"No, I mean, with my hand. Like, catching a fist. That's flying towards me." The three other teens eyed each other, then looked back at Leo. "Or am I pushing my luck?"

"...if you think you can handle it, sure," Donnie finally said. "Just this once, though."

Leo nodded, standing up straight and keeping his stance and limbs firm. Casey was starting to warm up his arms to get ready when Leo suddenly felt... somewhat out of it. He paused, seeing if the feeling was becoming overwhelming. It hadn't, so he shook it off. He focused on keeping his strength centered in his defending arm, not keeping mind of the rest of his body. Something about the way Casey was warming up and the surroundings and the way the three teens were huddled was starting to get to Leo for some reason. He wasn't sure what was going on. He tried shaking it off again, reassuming his firm stance. While doing so, he accidentally locked his knees, and that's when he knew it was over. As soon as his knees locked, he felt a rush of panic and fear, and his brain played the moment where he was ambushed by Shredder and his gang. He felt the blood in his head rush, feeling cold. His eyes fluttered, and the last thing he remembered was hearing the three yell his name and the sight of the sky going from cloudy to gone.


	29. Phase 5: Reconcile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

"Donnie's sleeping in my room," Mikey whispered.

"What? Really?" Raph asked.

"It's whatever- - it's show time!" Mikey quietly cheered. Raph smiled. Mikey helped Raph up carefully, both walking slowly out of the room and down the steps. Raph's shell hurt with every step, but it wasn't too bad. Once they made it to the bottom, they noticed someone laying on the couch. Mikey hesitated, unsure if he wanted to proceed. Raph, seeing this, decided to investigate. He slowly crept into the living room, seeing that it was Leo.

"Leo? You awake?" Raph whispered. No response. Raph stepped in front of Leo, and to their luck, Leo was out cold. Raph looked to Mikey, giving him a thumbs up. "It's okay, it's just Leo. He's sleeping."

Mikey's uneasiness faded, and his smile returned. "Hey, ya wanna start out with a game first?"

"Sure, I'll kick your shell then cheer you up with a show."

Mikey chuckled a bit, sticking his tongue out at Raph. "Uh huh, sure." He walked into the living room and set up the console, both he and Raph sitting on the floor. They made sure the volume was the lowest it could be while they could still hear the gaming audio. Mikey handed Raph a controller and started up the game. Neither of them held back- - just 'cause they hadn't played for a while didn't mean they lost their spunk, and it certainly didn't mean they were going to willingly lose to one another. They were mindful of their sounds of annoyance and cockiness so as not to wake up anyone. After a long while of playing games, they finally stopped, as they had both got too lazy to stay competitive. "Okay, noooooow it's show time."

"Just change the input, yeah?"

"Yep." Mikey watched as Raph started changing the TV input so they could watch their show. "Uh, I'm not sure we have an HDMI cable in, so not that one."

"So ca- -" Raph paused as he heard a noise upstairs. "Wait, shh." Mikey froze, following Raph's gaze to the doors of the living room. They heard the noise again, and again. It came closer. Raph looked at Mikey, who seemed nervous. "It's probably Donnie."

"Y-yeah, I figured."

Raph wasn't sure why Mikey looked nervous for a moment, but he immediately remembered; Mikey wasn't ready to face anyone yet. "...ohh.. oh, okay, uh, I'll go distract him, and ya can go upstairs. Sound okay?" Mikey nodded. They both slowly got up, making sure to not wake up Leo while they tiptoed out from the living room. Mikey stayed glued to the wall beside the door. Raph slowly left the living room, looking up the stairs. The noise had stopped, so Raph stayed put. A door opened, and surely enough, he saw Donnie at the foot of the stairs. "Hey, Donnie, whatcha doin' up this late?"

Donnie yawned a bit. "I dunno, actually," he mumbled. "I'm still really tired, I just wanted some water before goin' back to sleep. What are you doing down here? You're supposed to be on," he yawned for a moment "bed rest, Raph."

"I was just seein' if I could walk around without dyin' or whatever," Raph joked. "I was about to get some water too and head back up, anyways."

"Alright, sounds good, but you better go back to bed right after," Donnie replied, climbing down the stairs. "How's your shell? Does it hurt at all when you're up?"

Raph started making his way towards the kitchen, making sure Donnie would follow so that Mikey could sneak past. "A bit, but it's not as bad as it could be, y'know."

Donnie trudged to Raph's side, both entering the kitchen. "That's good, I guess, have the ..."

Mikey waited a couple seconds before slowly creeping out of the living room and to the stairs, making sure to step up carefully so as to not alert Donnie. He finally made it up the stairs and into Raph's room, breathing out a sigh of relief that he hadn't been seen. He wasn't sure when the feeling of dread and anxiety of possibly facing anyone else but Leo and Raph would go away, but it sure wasn't going to be tonight. He grabbed some snacks and started eating, waiting for Raph to return.

"... yeah I'll make sure to do that, Don, don't worry. Ya could just check up on me if you're that worried, y'know."

"I thought you wanted some space, though, especially when you and Mikey are talking. How is Mikey, by the way?"

"He's hangin' in there. I still feel bad, but I'm glad that he doesn't hate me."

"He couldn't hate you, he loves you too much."

"I could say the same for you, regarding Leo." Donnie dropped his gaze. "It's true, Donnie, he doesn't hate ya."

"...I dunno, we'll see."

Raph drew in a deep breath. "Alright, well, I'ma head back up. Ya better get some more shut eye, alright?"

"Yeah, you too, night." Donnie watched as Raph went back up the stairs. His eyes glanced over to the living room, where Leo was placed earlier. He hadn't woken up... Donnie was getting worried.

* * *

_"Leo!" Donnie, April and Casey yelled. Nothing had happened- - Casey didn't swing at him, Leo didn't move from his position- - he just fell. Donnie dropped to his knees, scraping them a touch but not caring. Leo seemed to have went unconscious before he hit the ground, which Donnie was a bit thankful for- - at least he wouldn't have felt head pain before going unconscious. But he still wasn't sure what caused him to pass out all of a sudden. "Fucking shit, what happened?" Donnie mumbled to himself._

_April and Casey bent down towards Leo's legs, which were bent. His bad leg wasn't folded, thankfully, but his good one slightly was. "Donnie, we have to get him on his beck and elevate his legs up- -" April started._

_"Not out here, though, inside's better," Casey cut her off. "Should we even try carryin' him in?"_

_"He's unconscious, he won't wake up unless there's extreme sudden pain, let's just get him in now," Donnie replied quickly, sliding his arms under Leo and lifting his upper body up off the ground. "Come on, let's get him inside."_

_April and Casey carefully lifted up Leo's lower half, all three trying to book it while trying to not fall at the same time. They made it inside and laid Leo on the couch. "I'll get some ice, someone find something for compression," April said, rushing to the kitchen._

_"I'll go get it," Donnie replied. "Casey, elevate his legs and make sure he's laid on his shell all the way."_

_Casey repositioned Leo, having him lay on his shell. He grabbed pillows and put some under Leo's head and the rest under Leo's legs, making sure they were elevated up to chest level. April came back in, a large bag of ice in her hand. "Should we go try to see if the local store has some of those half ice half heat pack things?"_

_"Yeah, and some anti-inflammatory pills if we're lucky," April replied. "Okay, RICE... rest, ice, compression, elevation, check check check- - compression? Is Donnie- -"  
_

_"- - got something," Donnie replied, dashing in. "Can you two go and see if the store has any- -"_

_"We're about to right now, you've got this? You want one of us to stay behind?" April asked._

_"No, you two go, I've got it. Just try to get anything that'll help. Drive safe."_

_They nodded and bolted out the door. Donnie looked back down at Leo, his worry growing. He wasn't sure what was going on, all he knew was that his brother was unconscious, and he had no idea why. He felt Leo's forehead with the back of his hand, noticing that Leo felt a bit cold._

_"No, my hand isn't a reliable source- - do I have a mouth thermometer? Will that even help my case right now? Shit," Donnie mumbled to himself._ _He looked down at Leo's knee, noticing that his bad knee was swelling up a bit. He tried thinking of what could have happened, and he could only think of blood pressure. It didn't explain his knee, but- -_ _"_ _...locked knee," Donnie said quietly. "That probably did it." Donnie sighed, sliding a hand down his face. "I should've fucking held this off..."_

_Donnie knew there wasn't much else he could do until April and Casey came back. He rolled out some of the compression bandages he brought and started wrapping Leo's knee, making sure it was tight, but not too tight. When there was enough on it, he grabbed the bag of ice and placed it on top of Leo's knee. He went to the kitchen and filled up another bag with ice and went back to the living room, putting the extra bag of ice under Leo's knee. Donnie made sure that Leo's heel was elevated as well to help with the blood flow. Once there was nothing else he could do, he sat on the floor and let the negative thoughts cloud his mind._

_"...I should've stuck with my gut and waited, I was an idiot for letting this happen- - his health could be worse because of me, I need to be more firm, but- - fuck, this is just too much..." Donnie whispered to himself, burying his head in his arms. "Fucking dumbass. I'm sorry I let this happen, Leo. I'm the fucking worst." Donnie stopped talking, just sitting and waiting for Casey and April to return. It felt like forever... maybe this was one of his punishments._

_Casey and April finally walked in after what seemed like ages. Perhaps it was, since from the time they left to when they came back, the sun had gone down. "Donnie, you still down here?" Casey asked._

_"Yeah," Donnie replied. "Find anything?"  
_

_"We found a heat/ice pack thing, we got some muscle cream," Casey replied._

_"I tried looking for anti-inflammatory pills but I couldn't find any," April said, sighing._

_"It's okay, this should do."_

_"Has he woken up at all?"_

_"No," Donnie sighed. "It's probably a good thing. His knee and head must be killer right now. Can you hand me the ice/heat pack whatever thing?" Casey handed it to him. Donnie carefully lifted Leo's head, placing it on Leo's head pillow and setting Leo's head back down. "Hopefully that helps with the head pain."_

_"Are you okay, dude?" Casey asked._

_"I'm not worried about me- -"_

_"But we are. Why don't you go get some shut eye? I can keep an eye on him. The last thing anyone wants is you up and worried."_

_"I'll do that upstairs anyways."_

_"But upstairs gives you a better chance of sleeping."_

_Donnie sighed again. April grabbed his hand, lifting him up. "Come on. There's nothing we can do until tomorrow. I'll walk you up, okay?"_

_Donnie nodded, he and April walking out of the living room. "Thanks, Casey." Casey nodded. They walked up the stairs and to Donnie's room. They stood out in front of the door. April looked up at Donnie, lifting a hand up to his face. Donnie winced. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of anyone. "April... I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I was just..."_

_"No, I know," April replied quietly. "You had every right to be worried. But don't blame yourself, Donnie, none of us saw this coming. It could have been so much worse."_

_"I know, but this feels horrible." April knew nothing was going to ease Donnie's nerves. She embraced him, holding him for a good moment before pulling away. "...I'll see you later, April."_

_"Get some rest, Donnie." Donnie nodded, opening the door and shutting it behind him. He fell on the bed, burying himself under the covers. He thought he was going to stay up thinking, but instead he fell asleep in the blink of an eye._

* * *

Donnie snapped out of the memory, his focus returning to an unconscious Leo. No one had told Mikey or Raph what had happened, but it was probably the best to do at the moment- - both were worrying about their own things and patching things up. Hearing that Leo was once again unconscious would only make them feel more worried. Donnie decided that if Leo remained unconscious for more than two days, he'd inform them. He sighed, getting some more water. He wasn't sure if he would be able to go back to sleep. So, water. He couldn't drink anymore, and trudged his way to the staircase.

* * *

_"Hello? Is anyone here?" Leo walked around, unsure of what the fading of blue to black represented. He wasn't sure where he was. He reached for his katanas, slowly unsheathing them. With every step he took, his surroundings turned to black, no trace of blue in sight. "Guys?" He heard some movement, tensing up. "Casey? April?" He stood up straight, about to assume a battle stance when his knee suddenly buckled. He hissed, losing composure for a moment, but he wasn't about to let his guard down. He stood back up, fighting through the pain. There was a sudden deep cackle. It sent shivers up Leo's body, and he had goosebumps._

_"Weak," the voiced bellowed._

_"Who's there?" Leo asked, trying to gain control of the hesitation rising in his voice. He cleared his throat, gulping and cautiously taking some steps forward. His knee was still bothering him as he walked, and the voice laughed at him._

_"Pathetic."_

_Leo grit his teeth, anger and fear fueling him. "You're the pathetic one. I'm not hiding in the shadows, now am I? Coward."_

_"Oh, I am no coward," the voice replied, growing seemingly closer._

_Leo tightly gripped the hilt of his sword, ready to defend himself to the end. "Yeah? Stop hiding. Or are you all bark and no bite?"_

_"I assure you, I am all bite."_

_"Then come out already."_

_"As you wish."_

_A figure suddenly appeared in front of Leo, sending the turtle reeling back a bit. As the figure stepped forward, other menacing laughs surrounded Leo. Where the face of the figure should have been was instead a sheen. Leo, realizing who it finally was, started losing composure, and the laughs surrounding him were starting to get to him. His grip was loosening, his strength felt like it was draining from his body, and his katana blades glided on the ground as he frantically tried backing away. The fuddled laughs grew their own forms, and they started closing in on Leo. Leo tried backing away from the figures, but there was nowhere to go._

_"The kabuto," Leo whispered, taking a step back. "No, thi-this isn't real, this is- -_

_"—yet another one of your pathetic nightmares." Shredder replied, his fist raised in the air. "Which I will gladly make drag out and as painful as I can make it. You're weak. You are nothing but a chew toy. Your end may be swift here, but when you face me again in reality, I will assure a slow and painful demise for you, as well as your family and pathetic friends." Tiger Claw, Fishface and Rahzar's faces appeared, snarls and grimy grins on their face as Shredder raised his fist, the blades in his gauntlet sliding out. Shredder aimed, and swung his arm down._

* * *

"NO!"

Donnie jumped, gripping the staircase railing with all his strength. He froze, unsure of what to do.

Leo shot up, frantically looking at his surroundings. He hadn't recognized the living room yet. "Where am I? Fuck where am I? Where..." Leo started to recognize things, and he remembered where he was. Where he had been for the past couple months. The blanket that draped over his body was tightly clutched in his hands. His breathing was erratic. His heart was pounding. But what stood out the most was...

"Fuuuuck, my knee," Leo hissed, tilting his head down. As he moved his head, a sudden rush of pain came to the back of his head. He immediately lifted a hand up, cradling the back of his head. "Fuuuuuck, my head!" Leo whisper yelled. He was cold sweating. He looked down at his hands and the blanket bundled in them, squeezing them and trying to focus on his breathing. "I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm at the farmhouse, in the living room, it's night time, I am awake..." Leo mumbled to himself. He managed to get his breathing under control. His line of sight drifted from his hands down to his knee. He noticed the melting bags of ice over and under his elevated and compressed knee. He slowly turned his head to look behind him, spotting a cold pack on his pillow. He grabbed it and lifted it up to the back of his head, sighing as it brought some relief.

Donnie still hadn't moved. Now that Leo was awake, he wasn't sure if he should retreat to his room or go help Leo.

Leo tried thinking of what brought him to this moment. What happened? Did he just sleep and get the RICE treatment just to ease the discomfort when he slept? Did he bump into something? No, that was the other day when he was trying to evade Donnie... did he...

"...training..." Leo mumbled. The routine. Sparring. Blocking. It was going okay. "...I locked my knees... I... I fainted? I fucking passed out? Oh great, just great, I can't even fucking stand without messing it up. Okay, shut up, Leo, you're gonna wake someone up. Just... shut up." Leo sighed, leaning into the back rest of the couch, sinking into it. "Fucking dumbass."

Donnie sighed. _'I knew it... he's blaming himself... I should've fucking waited... this is all my fault.'_ Donnie decided to bail. He couldn't face Leo, not like this. He slowly and carefully took a step on one of the stairs, getting ready to head back up.

Leo tensed up as the stairs creaked. He sat up straight. He waited to see if it would happen again. It hadn't, so he cautiously eased back down. He was about to forget about it when another step creaked. He sat back up, intensely watching the doorway.

"...sewer apples," Donnie whispered to himself. "He definitely heard that."

"...not Raph, not Mikey... Donnie?" Leo whispered loudly. "Donnie, that you?" Leo still had his guard up.

Donnie sighed, stepping back down. He peeked his head around the doorway, giving Leo a hesitant smile. "H-hey."

Leo relaxed. "Hey, you scared me a bit there." Leo suddenly remembered what just happened- - "oh, shit, uh did I... did I wake you up?"

Donnie stepped out a bit more. He tried giving Leo a reassuring look as he replied "no, you didn't, I was already up. I was just getting some water."

"Are you sure? You look worn out- - did I scare you?" Leo rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed.

"A little bit, but you didn't wake me up, don't worry, I was already up, I promise."

Leo chuckled nervously. "A-alright. Still, sorry. Are you... okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"...you were right. I wasn't ready to spar. I'm worried you're blaming yourself for what happened, but look, Donnie, it's my fault. My idea didn't work, and I never should've stuck with it. I should have listened. I was just being a stubborn jackass."

Something about the way Leo phrased it made Donnie think of the main reason why he had been so hesitant around Leo- - the fight back home. About what to do about the invasion. "...no, none of this is your fault, Leo. I need to be more open minded in the future..." Donnie felt his neck tense up and his eyes started getting teary. He cleared his throat. "...it's not your fault. Uh, anyways, try... to get some rest." Donnie mentally kicked himself- - Leo just had a nightmare, and he was telling him to go back to sleep? _'Insensitive asshole...'_ Donnie thought to himself.

"...Donnie, I think we should talk about this," Leo replied. Just hearing him say that made both of them nervous. Leo was ready to talk about it, but Donnie wasn't. Not like this, anyways.

"M-maybe later, Leo, I'm pretty tired," Donnie replied hastily, turning to leave.

"Donnie, are you sure you're okay? What's going on?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it, honest." Donnie started walking out. "Night, Leo."

Leo wasn't going to let Donnie leave until he made sure Donnie hear him. Leo stood up, his knee aching and throbbing. He didn't care. He started hobbling towards the doorway. "Donnie, I'm serious, what's wrong? Just tell me what I did wr- -" Leo immediately stopped short as his weak leg gave out on him, and he fell to the ground. His bad knee made a hard impact with the floor, and the rest of his weight on it didn't help. Leo wanted to scream, but he didn't want to wake anyone up, so he just bit down on his lip and let out a long whimper. He cradled his knee in his hands, trying to control his breathing. Donnie turned around sharply, his eyes wide as he saw his brother on the floor, curled inward and hissing from intense pain.

"Shit, Leo, a-are you okay?"

Donnie quickly bent down beside Leo, hesitant to assist or even touch him. Leo was erratically breathing, making Donnie feel even worse. Leo laid an arm on the ground and tried lifting himself up, but the pain left him weak, and his arm started shaking. He was about to crash back on the ground, but Donnie quickly wrapped an arm around him and helped him sit up. Leo managed to start gaining control of his breathing again, and he gulped in some air.

"...thanks, D," Leo panted. He shut his eyes, tilting his head down. The one thing he hated more than feeling weak and pathetic was looking it. He was humiliated- - embarrassed. _'Hah, so much for progress, right?'_ Leo thought to himself. He chuckled dryly, lifting a hand up to cover his face. All that work for virtually nothing. He hasn't improved. It's just like his nightmares told him- - he's nothing but a chew toy. Donnie knew Leo was feeling embarrassed and pathetic, and it was all his fault. Donnie started to shake a bit, infuriated with himself. Leo felt the shaking, assuming it was himself from the strain he put his body through. After a few seconds, he realized it wasn't him... it was Donnie. Leo lifted his head up from his hand, looking at Donnie with a very worried look. "...Donnie. You have to tell me what's wrong."

"I... I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't, Leo." Donnie was extremely upset, and he knew he probably looked like it, too. "I just can't."

"Donnie," Leo said quietly. Leo raised a hand and placed it on Donnie's shoulder, gripping it a bit. "You know you can tell me anything, right? I'm not here to judge you, I'm here to support you. To help you, in any way I can." Donnie's eyes roamed Leo's face for a moment, then Donnie looked away. Leo sighed, slipping his hand off of his brother's shoulder. He realized... "...or maybe... you don't- - can't trust me ever since I let you and everyone else down- -"

"What?" Donnie sharply lifted his head back up, surprised to hear this from Leo. "What are you talking about? It's not like that at all- - I trust you with my life."

"Then what? What'd I do? What'd I do to make you so upset and angry for these past months? Wha- -"

"It's not you, Leo," Donne shouted suddenly, throwing Leo off. "It's me, alright? I fucked up, I failed everyone, I failed you- - I don't trust myself around you, okay? That's what's wrong!"

Leo didn't know what to say- - he wasn't expecting that. "...wh-what?"

"I..." Donnie sighed, bringing his voice level down. "I don't... trust myself around you, Leo."

"...was it something I did? Something I said?" Leo asked. He felt like shit- - here's Donnie, suffering and beating himself up for something Leo can't even remember.

"No, it's not like that at all. It's just— everything that's happened to you ever since our argument in New York is all my fault. You being unconscious for 3 months, you blaming yourself for every fault you find in yourself, you hating yourself, your nightmares— that's all because I didn't listen to you back in New York about what we should do about the Kraang situation. I was being stubborn and I was so focused on trying the new invention and I shouldn't have even questioned your authority."

"Donnie," Leo started.

"Raph barely getting any sleep, Mikey constantly worrying about whether he'd get his big brother back, having everyone on the edge of their seat worrying about you, the slow, painful recovery you have to go through— that's all my fault, and— Leo... Leo, I am so sorry that this happened to you. It's all because of me and I'll never forgive myself for this. This is the biggest regret of my entire life."

Leonardo couldn't believe Donnie had felt this way this whole time— he couldn't fully process it. _'Donnie blames himself?'_ Donnie raised a hand up to his face, turning his head away and violently wiping at his eyes. Leo had never came close to blaming Donnie for any of this. Leo second-guessed his own suggestion about finding a second location— he told himself over and over again that he should have listened to Donnie in the first place. Everything was Leo's fault, not Donnie's. Leo grabbed Donnie's wrist, inching himself and his brother to the couch so they could lean against something.

"Donnie..." Leo said softly. "I don't want you to blame yourself for any of this. I don't want you feeling like this- - you shouldn't at all. My nightmares and my slow recovery are 'cause of Shredder, not you. We should've went along with your plan in the first place— there was a better chance if we had done it earlier. I'm sorry for not listening to you. Everyone being worried was not your fault— it just showed that they cared— that's not bad. We'd all worry if it was any one of us and you know that, Donatello. My defeat was partially my fault— hell, it was mostly my fault— it was all my fault. I wasn't fully prepared to take on the Shredder, especially by myself. I was overconfident, I was too cocky. That was my fault. I'm so sorry that you feel like this— if anyone's to blame, it's definitely me. You shouldn't feel guilty about any of this, Donnie— never. Everything that's happened is my fault. I was wrong, and it... it cost us everything."

Donnie didn't know what to say. Neither of them knew what to say after that. They had to process each other's statements. Leo lifted his arm up and wrapped it around Donnie's shoulder, giving him a quick squeeze to reassure him that he wasn't upset with him. Donnie patted Leo's hand in return, hoping to send the same message to him.

"...I didn't know you felt that way," Donnie said after moments of silence.

Leo chuckled a bit. "Same to you." Leo sighed. "Donnie... I hated not being able to talk to you. I hated the weirdness. I really thought you were pissed off at me."

Donnie laughed. "I thought you were pissed at me!"

"Why did you explode in the kitchen the other day, then?"

"...'cause you started saying you could trust me with anything and stuff like that, and I remembered the invasion and stuff and the stress of all these months, and I was like, 'why the hell does he still trust me?' I just freaked out- - I didn't know what to do, so I just... yeah." Leo nodded. He started chuckling a bit to himself, then started laughing. Donnie raised a brow, amused but confused. "What?"

"Everyone must've been dying to get us to talk- - I feel so bad for them, they had to put up with our shit for months!" Leo burst out laughing. Donnie started laughing too. They laughed about their suffering and misery. It was a good release for both of them. Once they got it out of their systems, they collected their breaths. "...next time we think we hate each other, we should just tell each other, yeah?"

Donnie chuckled a bit, nodding. "Yeah, we should. So... are we okay now?"

"I'm good, are you?"

"Yeah, I'm good, too."

"...and next time, we do whatever together. No more solo style."

Donnie raised a brow. "When you wanna do something solo in the future, I'm gonna bring this moment up and tell you 'past you said to stop your shit now' and you can't get mad at me." They both laughed at that. They started talking in-depth about the problem and started coming up with resolutions. All those months of uncertainty, anxiety, guilt, pain- - it all started fading away. It was going to take some work for things to get back to how they used to be, but tonight, they both knew that things would be okay again. The feeling of genuine hope and comfort had finally returned to them, and they hoped it'd never leave them again.


	30. Proelium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought
> 
> ***this chapter has details that relate to feelings of anxiety/depression/numbness towards the end of the chapter. if you don't want to read this content, i will catch you up in the next chapter. the part where it contains these details will be marked with [ ◘◘◘◘ ] where it starts and ends***

It was early. Too early for anyone to be up- - which is what Mikey was counting on. He made sure the coast was clear before he crept down the stairs. Ever since he had left the room last night, he was itching to get out again- - when no one else was up, that is. He made his way to the kitchen, a box of cereal catching his eye. He was about to go for it when he suddenly didn't like the idea of having cereal. No, instead he wanted... he wanted to cook. He rummaged through cabinets and the fridge to see if any ingredients would catch his eye, and sure enough, by some stroke of luck, there were ingredients to make pancakes! Of course he ran with it and mixed it up and started cooking. Though it had only been some days of him not cooking, it had felt like years, and he was glad to cook again- - to have that comfortable and light feeling. Once he piled on a tall stack for himself, he happily dug in, making sure he had syrup, butter and other things at his side. He was savoring every bite, thinking to himself, _'I am one heck of a chef!_ ' Once he finally fulfilled his appetite, he cleaned up his plate.

There was a hefty amount of pancake batter left, and he decided he wanted to make some for the rest of the house, as a thank you for being patient with him and being understanding. He was anxious as all shell that the scents of cooking or the sizzling of the pan would wake someone up, but thankfully, no one had so far! He made pancakes until there was no more batter and cleaned up. He managed to catch a glimpse of the time and saw that it was nearing the time that the others would start to wake up by now. It was making him really nervous, so he acted fast. He set up plates and silverware for them at the table, left pancake related toppings on the table, managed to find paper and something to write with, whipped up a note, and headed towards the stairs.

His eyes glimpsed to the living room before he started going up the stairs. He was about to climb them when something in the living room caught his attention. His anxiety and worries melted away for a bit as he saw what he'd been aching to see for ages: Leo and Donnie, together and seeming happy and relaxed. Granted, they were asleep, but they looked more carefree and at ease than they had been previously. A small smile curled on Mikey's face. He heard some talking outside, quickly snapping out of it and going back up the stairs and going into his room.

"...think he woke up at any point?"

"I dunno, Casey, Leo looked pretty outta it. Hopefully he gives us a sign he's okay today," April replied. She and Casey made their way inside, and as soon as they opened the door, the smells of a greatly cooked meal wafted in their faces. "Woah, I am absolutely hungry."

"I hear ya- - let's eat." Casey happily lead the way, and April and Casey were so glad to see a big breakfast spread on the table. "This is an amazing way to start the day... thank you, universe." Casey pressed two fingers to his lips and lifted them in the air, quickly pulling up a seat for himself. April chuckled, walking over to the table. There was a paper towel folded in the center. She picked it up, opening it. Casey eyed her. "What's it say?"

"It's from Mikey."

Casey raised his eyebrows. "Mikey?"

"Yeah. 'Dudes, I wanted to give a thanks for givin' me my space and bein' understanding about me being weird. You're really awesome and love you all loads. Yes, you heard me, Casey, I loooooooove you (;'- -" April glanced at Casey, seeing that he flushed but chuckled. "'- -anyways here's some breakfast as a thanks- - hope you like it! I'ma try harder 'cause I miss ya all, but pls lemme do it at my pace. Trust me- - I'm worth the wait! Peaaaaaaace, Mikey.' Even when he's in a rough place, he's still a sweetheart."

"Can't wait to see him again, just wanna tell him how rad he is."

"And that you love him?" Casey rolled his eyes and flushed again, both he and April laughing. "C'mon, it wouldn't kill you."

"I'll think about it. Just eat your stack before it gets cold, Red." They both ate, enjoying every bite. They finished and cleaned their mess, heading to the living room. They immediately paused when they saw Donnie and Leo talking to each other, seemingly more relaxed and happy around each other than before. The four all looked at each other, stopping short and unsure of what was going on. Casey broke the silence, asking "ya finally broke the ice? About time, dudes." April immediately elbowed Casey's side. "Ow- - I'm kiddin'!"

Luckily, Leo and Donnie found it funny and laughed. April was relieved that Casey's comment didn't make them uncomfortable. "So, you two... you're okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, we're good," Leo replied, giving April a warm smile. "We talked and it feels- -"

"I don't feel like a load of crap as much as I did before," Donnie interrupted. Leo immediately snorted. "I'm guessin' the same for Leo." They all laughed for a bit. "Guys, we're sorry you had to deal with us. We're, uh- -"

"We're really embarrassed," Leo finished, smiling nervously and rubbing the back of his neck. "We must've been unbearable."

April elbowed Casey again before he could open his mouth. Casey hurled over a bit, taking a step away from April. "You guys are fine- - we're just glad you two are okay now, that's all that matters," April replied. "Anyways, Mikey made a big pancake breakfast, so you might wanna go eat 'em while they're hot."

"...hah, hot. Hotcakes." April narrowed her eyes at Casey. "What? It's funny, Red."

"That was a terrible pun." She sat herself down on one of the couch chairs, turning on the TV. "Casey, what's the channel with that one show we binge sometimes?"

"You seriously don't remember? I gotta do eeeeverything- -" Casey quickly gave April an innocent smile. "I'm joking. Gimme the remote, I gotcha."

While Casey and April channel surfed, Leo and Donnie slowly made their way to the kitchen. They sat down at the table. Leo and Donnie read Mikey's note, smiling a bit and digging in. Everything was amazing, as usual coming from Mikey. "At least he's getting out of the room now," Donnie said. "That's a good sign."

"True, I'm just still worried. I haven't ever seen him that hurt or down before. I can't remember a time like that before, at least."

"He's doing better, Leo. He even said he wants to see us all- - before, he wanted nothing to do with anyone and didn't wanna leave the room. We just gotta give him time."

Leo smiled a bit. "I know, but still. Always worried."

"Don't make me shove your stack in your mouth- - Mikey wants you to eat it, one way or another," Donnie joked. He stabbed his fork into a pancake and raised it to Leo's face, playfully threatening him. "Here comes the airplane- -"

"Get that outta my face," Leo laughed, snatching the fork from Donnie and feeding himself. "I'm a big boy."

They ate in a comfortable silence. Leo's relaxed posture was slowly tensing up, and Donnie immediately noticed. He eyed Leo nervously. "Hey... what's wrong?"

Leo glanced at Donnie, then back down at his plate. "...I'm just thinking about... training." Donnie didn't know what to say to that. Leo glanced at Donnie again, and once he saw uncomfortable Donnie looked, he chuckled sadly. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"N-no, I just... I honestly don't know what to do about that. I know right now you might not feel like doing it but... I think... I think you should try again soon."

Leo lifted his head up a bit, looking at Donnie, surprised. "What?"

"It's just- - you've been doing really great in spite of your circumstances. Yesterday you did really well, Leo, I was blown away. At one point, I forgot about everything that happened and it felt like things were normal for a second. For a moment, it felt like just regular training. It was a nice feeling, to forget and feel like things were okay again. Granted, something happened, but you were doing really well. I understand if you don't want to train for a while, but I don't think you should give up on it. I saw how moved and energized you looked whenever you trained. I don't want you to lose that feeling. If training is the only thing that keeps you moving right now, I don't want that taken away from you, and I won't do that to you."

"...what I'm about to say is going to sound gross, but training isn't the only thing that keeps me moving. It's you guys. When I could catch a glimpse of you all at times, I could see some hope and genuine happiness in you. But training is something that kept me moving, you're right. And I know you're nervous about me doing anything to strain myself- - trust me, I am too- - but... I do want to keep at it. Just... not right now. Besides, my leg is killing me and my head still kind of aches."

Donnie chuckled lightly. "Sure thing. And... yeah, that was gross."

Leo flushed, punching Donnie's arm. "Shut up," Leo snorted. They both laughed as Donnie pretended to whine as he rubbed his arm. Finally, they were comfortable and could crack jokes. It was so nice.

"Good to see you two okay again." They turned and smiled a bit bashfully at Raph. "No joke, though. I've been waitin' for this for a long time." Raph walked over to them, suddenly wrapping his arms around them and pulling them close. "You dorks better not scare me like that again, you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah," Leo smiled, pulling away from Raph's hold. "Why don't you just eat so I don't have to hear your teasing."

"Touchy," Raph joked, sitting down. "Mikey says hi, by the way. He hopes you liked the pancakes."

"'Course we do," Casey replied, walking in. "I swallowed mine, and then snatched some of April's."

"You did?" April asked. "When?"

"You don't needa know," Casey replied. "So, D, you wanna help me work on the car today?"

"I can do that, yeah," Donnie replied.

"What car?" Leo asked.

"The car in the shed- - the beat up one. Me and Donnie- -" Casey started.

"Donnie and I," Donnie corrected.

Casey shot Donnie a look. "WE started workin' on it, tryna get it up and runnin' again. But man, it's a lotta work."

"Can I see it?" Leo asked. "Or should I wait for it at its prime?"

"I want my child to be revealed to the world at its pique," Casey chirped.

Leo chuckled. "Fair enough. Raph, ya done eating?"

Raph raised a brow. "...what're we doin'?"

"Can ya help me outside?"

"Sure thing," Raph replied, going to Leo's side and helping him out of his seat and handing him his crutches.

Leo looked at Donnie, giving him a reassuring look. "Don't worry, Donnie."

Donnie smiled. "I'm not."

Leo and Raph went to the porch. Leo shut the front door and went to the railing, leaning against it. Raph leaned against a pole, eyeing Leo. "What's goin' on, Leo?"

"Two things: one, I'm not gonna train for a bit 'cause everything hurts, but when I do... do you think you could start training with me? Two- -"

"Wait, what?"

"What?"

"What do you mean 'everything hurts'? Did something happen?"

Leo searched Raph's eyes, chuckling a bit confusedly. "I-I thought you knew?"

"Knew what?" Raph was concerned as hell. "What happened?" Raph's face was both worried looking but tense.

"I-I passed out during training yesterday. Did you seriously not know?"

"No," Raph replied, sounding a bit defeated. "You fall on your leg?"

"I'm not sure, but I had it locked during the entire training session." Leo tried to lighten the mood, adding "rookie mistake" as a joke, but Raph wasn't amused. "Raph, can you say something?"

"How bad does everything hurt?"

"Not as bad as when I woke up last night."

Raph took a deep breath, letting it out shakily. He seemed to calming down. "Just lemme know if there's somethin' I can do to help. What's two?"

"Two? Oh, yeah. Two: do you think Mikey would be up for a movie night with everyone soon?"

"...one: you better lemme know when you train again, I'll be there. Two: I'm not sure. He's doin' better, but I'm not Mikey. I can't speak for him. I can ask- - we can ask him later. I think he's napping since he was up super early."

"I'll definitely let you know when I train again. And sounds like a good deal." They fell silent, but Leo couldn't shake the feeling away that Raph was bothered. "Just tell me what's wrong, Raph. I know something's up."

"It's redundant."

"Spill anyways."

"Okay, I'm kinda upset that I didn't know something happened to you, 'cause I wanna be there for you, but I get that Donnie and Casey and April thought it'd prolly be best not to tell me or Mikey 'cause they didn't want us to worry too much when we've got our own things to worry about, but at the same time, I'd rather I knew than figuring out like this. I feel bad."

"Raph..." Leo gripped Raph's shoulder. "You gotta try to stop beating yourself up so much. I mean, I'm being a hypocrite by saying that, but they meant well. But I understand how you feel. If something happened to you, I'd wanna know too, no matter what. I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel bad. Look- - I'm awake and alive and okay. I'll be okay, you and I know that. From what I got, I wouldn't budge until my nightmare woke me up- -" Raph immediately gave Leo another concerned look. Leo tried assuring him he was alright, both of his hands now gripped on Raph's shoulders. "I'm okay, Raph, honest. I know you wanna help me and everyone else, but you remember how you broke down? Why you did? You can't ignore your feelings just for the sake of others. You have to help yourself, too." Raph glanced down, tilting his head down. "Raph, it'll be okay. I've got you, we all do. Take your time, okay? I- -"

"Stop talking," Raph whispered through a strained voice. "...for a second." Leo fell quiet. Raph was trying so hard not to let his emotions control him. Leo released his hold on Raph's shoulders and dropped them to his sides, deciding Raph probably didn't want to be touched right now. Raph sighed, finally looking back up at Leo. He patted Leo's shoulder, giving him a small smile. "Thanks. I'll, uh, try to keep that in mind. But you better lemme know if I can help."

Leo nodded. "Yeah, I will. Let's go back in, yeah?" Leo lead the way, going to the living room so he could sit down since his knee was starting to bother him again. Raph followed him, sticking around for a minute before heading out. "Raph, you good?"

Raph turned to look at Leo. "...no." Leo immediately became worried. "But I will be. I just needa be alone for a lil bit, but I'll come back down. Promise."

"...okay." Leo watched Raph leave the living room. Leo sighed, grabbing the remote and switching through channels til something caught his eye. April waltzed in the room a bit later on, taking a seat next to Leo. "Hey, April."

April raised a brow. "You sound happy to see me," April joked.

Leo chuckled a bit. "Sorry- - I just feel a bit drained, I guess."

"Buuuut something's bothering you."

"Something always is," Leo joked. "I wanna ask you something, but I dunno if you're comfortable talking about it with me."

"What is it?"

"Y'know you, Mikey and Raph all went through kind of the same situation, and Raph is feeling a bit low right now. I dunno how to help him out or how it feels. I mean, I know how it feels to doubt yourself and over think things, but everyone processes things differently and I can't... I just dunno. How do I help, how do I understand?"

◘◘◘◘

"...well, it's weird and hard. Everyone puts others before them once in a while, but it's different when you do that every day for an extended amount of time. You're invested in others, you try your best to help, you're there for them through thick and thin, you listen, you try to give advice, you try to cheer them up. At first, you think you're just helping out, and there's nothing wrong with that, but in time you find yourself so involved that you're not even in tune with yourself. Suddenly, things that interested you just really don't appeal as much as they used to. You find it tiring or not worth the time. Even simple things like listening to music or watching a video is too much work. They only really appeal as distractions.

"When you have time to yourself, you don't even know what to do- - you don't remember what you did before when you had me time. You start questioning what happened, what your interests are, how you actually feel- - but you don't even want to think about it, you feel... kind of selfish and bad for trying to address your own state of being. You give so much and don't really give anything to yourself. Things that had meaning lose its luster. When you have time to yourself, you don't know what to do except just... breeze through the day, or just sit down or lay down and look at nothing, think of nothing. I mean, literally nothing. You don't even think about the thing you're looking at, you're just there. You don't feel real, the only thing that feels somewhat routine is waking up and going to sleep. And when people are doing well and have little to no issues, of course you're glad they're feeling better, but that means more alone time and that is just draining to think about. And it can get worse than that. It's a rough process. You're so used to helping others that you forget how to even help yourself." April hadn't realized she started crying until she finished. She wiped her face, laughing a bit dryly. "S-sorry, that was... really intense and dark, sorry."

Leo was pained hearing all of that, his eyes welling up. "Don't be sorry. I'm really sorry you felt that way... that you still are struggling with that."

"But what helps is having someone by your side, ready to listen and who is patient. It's hard to accept help at first and to open up and admit how you're feeling because you haven't done it much in a while, but knowing someone is concerned and wants to help gives a sense of comfort. Raph, Mikey and I are trying our best, and knowing that you guys are trying your best to help out- - giving Mikey space, checking up on Raph, making sure I'm feeling comfortable and asking how I am- - it's really nice. Sometimes we just need to be alone to kind of recharge or think things through, especially when we're feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Just give Raph the space he needs for now. He'll come out when he's ready."

◘◘◘◘

Leo looked at April. "I'm sorry if I made you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable asking you that. Is there anything I can do?"

April gave Leo a small smile. "Maybe later. Let's just watch TV. Can I lay on your arm? I feel tired."

"Go ahead," Leo replied softly. April leaned on him, her head resting on his shoulder. Leo handed her some of the blanket so she could drape it over herself. She did and got comfortable, her and Leo watching TV in silence. April dozed off, her emotions ultimately tiring her out. Leo waited an hour before he slowly lifted her off of him and laid her on the couch, himself getting off. He draped the blanket over April and turned off the TV, leaving April to rest. Leo carefully went up the stairs, peeking in on Mikey, who was asleep. He checked on Raph, too, who was asleep as well. He went back down the stairs, heading outside and to the shed. He knocked on the doors. "Don? Case?"

"What's up, Leo?" Casey asked as he opened a door. Casey saw how tired Leo looked. "You alright dude?"

That caught Donnie's attention. "What's happening?"

"I wanna do something, but I need both of your help."


	31. Adiutare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is really sappy so uh... yeah hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought
> 
> *the underlined text is the notes in this chapter

"Got it, Case?"

"Leo, don't worry, dude, I got this. I'll be back as soon as I can, alright?" Casey climbed in the van and drove off, leaving Donnie and Leo behind.

Leo turned to Donnie. "Let's get to work, yeah?"

"Sure, let's. And when do you want this all done, exactly?"

"By tonight."

* * *

 

"I'm back, I'm back," Casey barged in the shed. "I know, I took longer than I thought, you can kill me later. Woah, that all looks pretty nice- - what else we gotta do?"

"Sort out what's going to who. Lay out the stuff here." Leo watched as Casey hauled in bags of things. "I won't kill you 'cause you got so much stuff. Is there any way we can pay you back?"

"I'll think about that later. Don, ya almost done?"

"Yeah, just about," Donnie replied. "You and Leo sort that all and make what needs to be made, then we'll prep it all. Let's hurry, though."

"Hopefully this gives them comfort. After April explained to me how they were generally feeling and how their anxiety and stuff affected them, they definitely deserve something nice," Leo said. "Alright, let's keep going."

* * *

 

Mikey stirred, sluggishly turning out of his sleeping position. He peeked at the window, seeing that it wasn't as bright as before. He slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes as he looked at the time. "What... 6 in the afternoon? What a nap," Mikey mumbled to himself. He looked around and saw that Raph wasn't in the room with him. "Maybe he's downstairs." Mikey slid off the bed and walked to the door, opening it just a crack. He went silent, waiting for a minute to hear if anyone was around. He didn't hear anything, which he thought was weird. Either way, he went to the bathroom to freshen up. He stepped out after, taking a minute to listen again. Nothing. Cautiously, he went down the stairs. He peeked in the living room, seeing April asleep. He breathed a sigh of relief. He peeked into the kitchen, and no one was there, either. He stepped in, seeing that the table he left full was only covered in scraps. He smiled. He grabbed a snack, trying not to scarf it down but he was still on high-guard mode. He finished eating and didn't know what else to do, so he went upstairs. He decided to look for Raph.

"Raph?" Mikey opened the door to the other room. He saw Raph laying in bed. "Hey, you awake?" Mikey whispered loudly. After no reply, he sighed, exiting the room. "Dang, no one to talk to." He went back to his room and sat on the bed, sighing. He stared out the window. He was feeling conflicted. "Ugh, why is this so hard and weird? I just wanna talk to everyone, but I get too scared and nervous, but I miss them. What the heck, brain? What are you doing to me?" Mikey leaned against the headrest of the bed. "What am I even doing, talking to myself? Jeez, I'm just that lonely, huh?" Mikey laughed quietly, but quickly stopped. "Dang me, that's dark." He was about to think about stuff when he suddenly heard the door open downstairs and bouts of chatter. He listened, hearing Casey talking first, then Donnie and Leo. "Guess they were just outside." He was about to go back to thinking when he heard something that made his heart start racing.

"...your way to Mikey's room, he should still be asleep, I think, so you won't be intruding him."

Mikey panicked as he heard Leo say that. "Shoot shoot shoot uhh what do I do?" Mikey whispered to himself.

"Ya sure, Leo? What if he's awake?" Donnie asked. "I haven't gotten the chance to really see him, maybe it's better if you go up just in case he's awake."

"You're right... okay, I'll do it."

Mikey calmed down a bit hearing that Leo was going to come up instead of Donnie. He felt kind of bad for feeling like that, but quickly remembered that he was about to have company. He wasn't even sure if he wanted it. So he did the only thing he could think of: pretend to be asleep. He listened as Leo climbed up the steps, but panicked a bit as he heard two sets of footsteps ascend instead of just one. He shut his eyes tightly and had his shell turned to the door, trying to calm down. He heard a light knock on his door.

"Mikey?" Leo said, opening the door a crack. Leo stuck his head in, seeing that Mikey was laid down and still. He watched Mikey for a minute. Mikey was trying so hard to convince Leo that he was asleep but the feeling of him staring at him was so intense. After a minute, Leo assumed he was asleep. "...hopefully I don't make too much noise to wake him up, then," Leo mumbled to himself. He shut the door.

Leo set the bag he had in his hand on the floor, sifting through it and starting to pull things out and onto the dresser that was in the room. One of the items was wrapped in plastic and made a loud crinkling sound as he handled it. Leo froze, eyeing Mikey. Seeing that Mikey hadn't moved, Leo sighed a breath of relief, continuing. After a couple of minutes, Leo had set everything up as he had wanted, taking a step back to make sure the display was decent. Leo, satisfied with the result, smiled to himself. He looked at Mikey, stepping over to him and placing a hand on Mikey's head. He rubbed it for a second, then slid his hand off and went to the door. He opened it and took one last glance at Mikey, then shut the door behind him.

Donnie stepped out of Raph's room at the same time Leo left Mikey's. "All good?" Donnie asked.

"Yeah, he was asleep, which I guess is good. At least he'll be surprised. Help me down the steps? My leg is starting to kind of throb again."

"Yeah, let's get you sat down somewhere," Donnie replied. They descended down the steps. "You think they'll like it?"

"I hope so," Leo replied. "There's not much we can do right now, but maybe it'll make them feel like they've got support."

"Let's hope. Casey, you all good?" Donnie asked as the reached the bottom.

"Quiet, dude, she's still asleep but she keeps turning and stuff, it's making me nervous," Casey quietly laughed. "But yeah, I'm mostly done. How's it look?"

Donnie and Leo looked at his display. "It looks good," Leo replied, smiling. "Think she'll like it?"

"If she doesn't, then we suck," Donnie chuckled to himself. "Nah but I think she will. Let's get outta here before we wake her up with our talking."

* * *

 

Raph woke up with a sigh, stretching out to get that blood flow going. He sat up, seeing that it wasn't daylight out anymore. "Hah, some nap." He turned to the side of the bed, about to head out of the room when he saw something that wasn't in his room before. He walked over to the end table, seeing a package covered with plastic. There was paper lining covering the contents inside. There was a note attached. He ripped it off and opened it.

"Raph, you're probably wondering what the heck this is. We're gonna be gross and tell you sappy stuff but only because we love you and wanna try to help you. This is Leo writing, btw. Uh, Casey is yelling at me to write hi, so Casey says hi. Donnie also says hi. ANYWAYS. So we wanna try to help you through what you're struggling with. I can't imagine how hard and confusing the stuff you're feeling is, but I wanna try to help any way I can. So do we. We wanted to leave you alone bc you said you needed to be alone, so we hope the alone time helped you out. I feel weird writing a letter, hah- -"

Raph chuckled a bit at that.

"- - but anyways, uh we spent all day making this for you. We hope you like it and that it helps. We love you- - Casey said 'make me sound manly!' so uh, I'm not telling him what I'm writing, but is it manly to say 'love you, bro'? I don't know what Casey meant. But yeah, we love you and whatever we can do to help, you let us know. You're one of the best people I know, and no, I'm not just saying that. You're one of the bravest and toughest and kindest people I know. I know we're brothers and you think I'm just saying this because of that, but no. I mean it. Hope you like this sappy stupid stuff we got you (: see you later, Leo. And Donnie and Casey. Sorry, they both said 'where are our names?' uhhh yeah love you dude hope this helps. Okay this is really the end of the letter okay bye"

Raph laughed a bit. The letter was all over the place but it made him feel good, so he didn't mind. He finally opened the package and saw a lot of stuff. A lot. There was a box of his favorite snacks and drinks, which he was already glad to see. There were drinks he hadn't had in a while, so seeing them got him happy. There were a pair of gloves that looked stitched to adjust to and fit his hands. There was a sticky note on it saying 'for when you go riding on the bike- - to feel badass! -Casey.' Raph smiled and tried them on. They looked pretty rough and nice, and he was definitely looking forward to using them in the future. There was random things that didn't really have a meaning or backstory tied to it, so he assumed they were just things picked out that he might like, and he did.

There was a picture set of Slash- - from when he was just a small baby turtle, to when he was a little older as a turtle, to Slash and Raph hanging out on a rooftop, laughing and smiling. There was something written in marker at the top, reading 'you raised a good son- - guy- - I dunno what you see him as but you did really great! -Donnie.' That got to Raph a bit, and he smiled but felt himself tear up a bit. There was a picture set of times Raph beat his brothers at various games- - from pinball to video games. It was pictures that showed his victory dance. Raph snorted a bit. The caption read, 'you being a smug wad -Leo.' There were pictures of Raph with everyone at different times, and some group pictures. At the bottom of the basket, there was one final thing: a wooden item that looked familiar. He picked it up and held it. A note came with it. 'It's not the exact one, but this is the closest we could get to recreating your wooden sai you had when we were kids! You used to love that thing, so we made you another one. Hope you like it -Leo and Donnie.'

Raph breathed out a lot, trying not to cry. He looked at the handle and saw that there was an engraving of his name the way he had engraved it when he was a kid. A wide smiled stretched across his face, and he let a tear fall out. "Dorks." The fact that they made him a bunch of things to try to cheer him up and comfort him was something he wasn't expecting. He felt genuinely supported for one of the few times throughout their stay at the farmhouse. He didn't know what else to do but just keep smiling and saying "dorks" under his breath as he looked at everything over and over again.

* * *

 

Mikey had finally calmed himself down after the bouts of anxiety he had trying to pretend to be asleep. He sat up and started doing breathing exercises. He wondered what Leo was even doing in the room in the first place, remembering he was setting something down. He looked at the dresser, seeing a basket of things. He quickly got up on his feet, grabbing it and returning to his bed. He yanked the note off and opened it up.

"Mikey, hi! Uh, that was too enthusiastic. I should've written in pencil instead of marker.. uh, anyways, hey, it's Leo writing. Donnie says hi and that he hopes you're doing okay and that he misses you. Casey said he read your letter earlier and wanted to say 'y'know I'm not a lovey dude but love you bro, you're rad and I'm ready to see your happy face again whenever.' You bring out the niceness in him, haha, anyways, I'm writing this because I know you're struggling. I'm sorry- - we're so sorry we didn't realize you were struggling with something. We wanna help out in any way we can. We know you like gifts so we got you some. I know we've never really written letters to each other so this kinda feels weird but I hope you like the sentiment. We miss you, but we're gonna give you all the space you need 'til you're ready. And when you are, don't doubt that we're gonna try our best to give you the best hug ever. I dunno how you feel about getting attention right now but hopefully this isn't making you uncomfortable, we hope you like what's inside. You're such a sweet, talented, eccentric, interesting, funny dude, and we couldn't ask for a better brother. You're always there for everyone, now it's your turn to get the love you've given to us. Don't hold back on ripping it open! Leo, Donnie, and Casey."

Mikey heeded Leo's advice and ripped the package open with no hesitation. There was a snack box! He immediately opened one of the packs of candies, eating it as he sifted through more. There was a book- - a cooking book! A sticky note was attached. 'I dunno what you really dig cooking but this has stuff you can cook with just a little bit of stuff and I thought you'd like it 'cause you're a crafty dude and like experimenting with food. Go crazy with it dude, Casey.' Mikey smiled and looked at some of the pages, and some of the things he saw he was excited to try out in the future. There were random things, like a rubix cube and a stuffed animal that Mikey knew he was definitely gonna decorate his room with whenever he got the chance. There was something that caught his eye- - a small cube with some buttons and other things. A note attached read, 'I know you like toying with things so I tried to make something that is kinda entertaining but at the same time helps you relax. I hope you like it, Donnie.' Mikey started toying with it, and he was really entranced. He toyed with it as he went through the rest.

There were pictures of him with his brothers and Casey and April. Two pictures he liked a lot; the first was a picture of when an experimental cooking session went wrong and everyone was covered with ingredients, and it turned into a food fight, with everyone smiling and laughing. The second was with him and his brothers when they were little and pretending to be heroes and villains, with Splinter smiling in the background. He teared up seeing his dad. 'We wanted you to have a piece of Splinter with you. Hope you like it, Leo and Donnie.' There was a picture frame that was handmade, and Mikey put the two pictures inside of it. He got to the bottom of the basket and saw something weird.

He lifted it up and started laughing. 'Yeah, I know you remember this! When we were little, you ALWAYS talked about wanting this to be a real thing, so I did that- - sort of. It can't do anything but it looks cool, I hope. -Donnie.' It was a handmade craft of a mass weapon Mikey wanted when he was a kid: a mix of his nunchucks, Leo's sword, Raph's sai and Donnie's staff. The staff was the base, and a sai was at the top, which made it look like a trident spear. The middle spear was crafted to look like a sword, and the bottom of the staff was a hanging nunchuck. Mikey got up and started swinging it around, enjoying himself and imagining how cool it'd be if it was made of metal. He sat down on the bed again, smiling and reading the letter and notes again as he continued snacking. He missed them and wanted to see them, and even though he wasn't ready, having a piece of them with him was giving him genuine happiness.

* * *

 

April woke up to the sounds of steps leaving the living room. She immediately froze as she saw a basket wrapped on the floor. She eyed it, going to the kitchen to see if anyone was in there, but no one was. She went back to the living room, grabbing it and sitting down. She spotted a note and opened it.

"April, hi, it's me, ya boi Casey. And Donnie and Leo. I ma- - sorry about that, this is Donnie. Uh, writing is kinda weird, we don't really do it in this day and age, it feels so personal. Ah, uh, ahem. Hi, April, hope you're doing okay. You've been such a good friend and have helped us through so much, and in doing that, we didn't know you were struggling. I'm sorry. We're sorry. We're gonna do our best to help, if you want us to. We hope this brings some comfort. I'ma have Leo write because this feels too short so yeah - - Leo here. Donnie pretty much speaks for all of us, and from what you told me earlier, I felt like it was overdue for you to get something nice and meaningful. You really are the best friend anyone could ask for. We hope you like it. Casey said to tell you 'you're really awesome and cool and I don't know how someone like me can be friends with someone like you, but I'm glad you're in my life.' He gets so sappy and sweet when it comes to you, awh. Okay he just yelled at me and got embarrassed, haha. But yeah, we'll let you open this. We love ya!"

April smiled and laughed a bit, opening the gift. The first thing that caught her eye were a pack of differently patterned and colored headbands. 'You'll pull any of these off, Red, rock it! -Casey.' April tried one on, actually liking it and keeping it on. Even though none of the guys really knew her taste, she was impressed they found something that she genuinely liked. There was a bracelet with her name on it and a necklace with a locket. She opened it and saw a picture of her dad. She smiled and found a note for the locket. 'He's always with you, and we wanted you to have a piece of him with you, wherever you went. -Donnie.' She put on the bracelet and locket.

There was a box of some of her favorite treats and a nicely palleted journal that came with a pen. 'I know you're bound to run out of room in your current journal, so I thought you could use a new one! I know you doodle, too, so there's some pages that are sketching paper. Hard to find haha hope you like it -Leo.' There was a couple of pictures of her with the guys, with Splinter, with her dad and some with everyone. There was a small stuffed toy that had a really soft feel, even when she squeezed it. It was kind of therapeutic. Finally, there was a handmade weapon for her: a new tessen with a new design! She was really digging the design and tried out the tessen. It definitely required some practice to get the hang of, but she was ready for it. 'We know you already have a tessen, but we thought a stroke of change would appeal. Hope it does! -Leo, Donnie and Casey.'

She sighed happily, putting everything back except the things she put on. It had been a while since she felt the feeling of comfort and support, and boy did she miss it.


	32. Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

April wasn't going to just sit around and not say thanks, so she went to go find Leo, Casey and Donnie. She searched the van, the shed, the entire house- - there was no sign of them. She considered the woods and was about to head into them when she saw them hanging around the big tree in the yard. She wasn't sure how she missed them before, but she didn't think twice. She walked over. They all noticed her and started waving and smiling. The only one standing up was Casey, so she walked over to him.

"I see you took my advice- - you're really owning that headband, Red, it's a good look for you," Casey said, smiling at her.

Donnie saw the locket and smiled. "Do you like it?"

"Of course I do," April replied, smiling and toying with it.

"What do you think of the bracelet?" Leo asked.

"It's a little elementary, but I like it. It's cute."

Leo chuckled a bit. "I knew it turned out kiddy-ish."

"Shut it, I like it," April laughed. "I really like the journal, too. It's nice and I really do like the sketch pages, too."

"I'm glad! So... the tessen..."

"Who did what?"

"I designed it, Casey helped make it, and Casey and Leo argued over the design. They had a lot of ideas and ultimately agreed on that one. Is it... okay?" Donnie asked. "It's our first time making a weapon but- -"

"I really love it, guys," April interrupted. "You guys really made me feel, I dunno, like you cared. I mean, I know you care already, but that... just emphasized it. Thank you guys, really. It means a lot." She hugged each one of them, making sure to give them a good squeeze. They all got kind of bashful but smiled.

"We're glad," Leo said. "We didn't really know what we were doing but... is that a good start? Or was it too much?"

"Stop, I loved it all, it was great. You guys wanna head in?" They nodded and all went inside, gathering in the living room. April, Casey and Donnie sat on the couch. Leo hadn't taken a seat. April eyed him. "You alright, Leo?"

"Yeah, I'ma be right back," Leo replied. He carefully went up the stairs and into the bathroom. He relieved himself and washed up. He stared at himself in the mirror for a bit, lifting up his mask and washing his face. He didn't know why he was starting to cry, but he bit down on his lip to keep from making any sounds. He wasn't sure what was going on- - was he happy? Sad? He didn't feel sad... maybe it was just a rush of sudden emotions. Whatever it was, he let himself cry it out and washed his face until his eyes weren't puffy anymore. He slid his mask back on and left the bathroom. As he was about to head down the stairs, a door opened and out came Raph. They made eye contact and froze. Raph had his mask slid off of his face, and there were dry streaks on his face. "You okay?"

Raph smiled. "Yeah. You?"

"Yeah. Did you..."

"You're a dork, you know that?" Raph laughed, his throat tightening. "It's hard to explain but, uh, you guys... just thanks."

Leo smiled, feeling his eyes well up again. He cleared his throat, trying not to cry again. "I'll see ya whenever you're ready?"

"Actually, you mind hanging up here for a bit?"

"Sure."

"I'll be right back, just stay there."

"Alright," Leo replied, stepping into Raph's room. He stopped short when he saw Mikey in there. Mikey looked up and immediately smiled, standing up. "You like it?"

Mikey nodded. "I've been crying like a baby, dude, ask Raph."

Leo laughed a bit, going over to Mikey. "I don't doubt it. C'mere." Leo hugged Mikey tight, holding him close. "Mikey, I really am sorry. Whatever you need help with or want, let me know, okay? 'Cause you deserve to be happy."

"Okay," Mikey replied, hugging Leo back tightly. "You dudes are awesome." Mikey gasped and pulled away. "The- the thing! Look at it in action!" Mikey grabbed the handmade mass weapon and swung it around. Leo started laughing as Mikey made whooshing sounds and did poses. "This is awesome! I wish it could be used in real battle but it's fun to imagine."

"It's still as dangerous, though," Leo chuckled nervously. "Be careful, don't get hurt, please."

Mikey set it down. "So, you made one for everyone or something?"

"Just you, Raph and April. We wanted to give you something to enjoy, even if it's just for a little while."

"Nah, dude, I'ma love this stuff forever! Especially the snacks in my tummy."

"You ate them all already?" Leo chuckled.

"Not all of them... just half... but I cherished every bite." Mikey smiled innocently. Raph walked back into the room. "You all good, dude?"

Raph flushed. "Y-yeah," Raph mumbled.

"Don't be embarrassed, dude. He loved it all- - look, he's got the wooden sai in his belt!"

"Mikey- -" Raph replied nervously.

Leo smiled. "So you liked it?"

"'Course I did, you shellhead," Raph replied. "I like the gloves too."

"Oh wow, I didn't even notice the gloves 'til now; it's like they're already a part of you. It's a nice touch."

Raph started to feel comfortable again. "I think so too- - I like 'em a lot. Did April get one?" Mikey nodded. "How'd she like it?"

"She hunted us down to thank us," Leo chuckled. "We gave her some new headbands and a locket and she liked those a lot. We gave her more but she's wearing those right now, and a bracelet I made that she likes, even though it looks like a kid's craft project, hah." The two laughed. "So, serious question, did... it kinda help? In any way? I just... this was the only thing I could think of that might help without making you guys talk or leave your rooms when you needed alone time and stuff. I'm just kind of rambling now..." Leo smiled a bit awkwardly. "Ahh I don't know what my point is."

"Chill out, dude, the fact you guys spent the day doing this for us means a lot," Mikey replied, laying a hand on Leo's shoulder. "Now I definitely know you guys have got my back, and you're being patient with me, so it means a lot too."

"Yeah, besides, who can deny a gift?" Raph added. "It really does mean a lot, though. It was personal. I can't jabber on without getting embarrassed or sobby but I really appreciate it, Leo."

Leo let out a shaky breath. "I'm glad." Leo smiled, and they all chuckled. Leo suddenly got a jolt of pain in his leg, and he kind of lost balance. Raph and Mikey immediately caught him. Leo grit his teeth, trying to stand back up. "Th-thanks," Leo breathed. "I gotta sit."

"Sure, bro," Mikey replied, he and Raph helping Leo to the bed. Leo sat down, putting his head in his hands. Mikey sat next to him. "Are you okay, Leo?"

"Is it your knee?" Raph asked.

"Yeah," Leo replied. "My head's acting up, too. Oh, uh, sorry, I don't wanna damper the mood."

"Shut up, Leo, we don't care about that," Mikey said. Raph and Leo looked at Mikey surprised. Mikey flushed. "Sorry, that was mean of me to say. I just wanna make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay, Mikey," Leo replied. He glanced from Mikey to his knee, and he suddenly got dizzy and felt weak. He quickly lifted his arms up to his brothers arms, gripping them to keep himself from falling. "I, uh, maybe not," Leo mumbled.

Raph and Mikey were getting really worried now. "Leo, is it 'cause of your fall?" Raph asked.

"What fall?" Mikey looked at Raph. "He fell?"

"Something happened during training, I'm not sure, I was just told today," Raph replied. "Leo, what do you need?"

"Donnie," Leo replied softly. "G-get Donnie. Get Donnie."

"I'll go get him," Raph replied, standing up. Raph was about to leave, but eyed Mikey. Mikey looked nervous. "Mikey..."

Leo eyed Mikey, seeing why Raph was worried. "Y-you don't have to stay here, Mikey, I'll be okay," Leo said. "It's okay if you want to leave. I don't want you to be uncomfortable or anxious."

Mikey looked at his brothers. He was anxious, but hearing Leo telling him he could leave even though he was in pain was getting to him. "N-no. I'm staying here. I'm not gonna leave you alone. You wouldn't if it were me, and I'm definitely not leaving."

Leo looked at Mikey a bit worriedly. Leo glanced at Raph, who also looked unsure. They looked at Mikey, asking "are you sure?" in unison.

Mikey nodded firmly. "Yeah. Go get Donnie. Heck, you can bring everyone."

Leo chuckled a bit. "I just need Donnie."

Raph smiled. "I'll be right back." He left the room and went down the stairs. He saw Donnie, Casey and April laughing. He sighed. "Hey, Donnie? Can you come here for a minute?"

Donnie nodded. "Sure, what's up?"

Raph wasn't sure if he should say. "C'mon, hurry," Raph insisted. Donnie rushed behind them and went up the stairs. When they reached the top, he led Donnie into his room. "It's Leo."

Donnie went over to Leo. "What's wrong?"

"He said his leg is hurting, his head too," Mikey replied for him. Donnie glanced at him. Mikey gave him a small smile. "Hi, D."

Donnie smiled at him for a moment. "Hey." He shifted his focus back on Leo. "What's wrong with your head? Is it throbbing?"

"I'm dizzy, and uh, I feel weak," Leo replied. "Lightheaded."

"And your leg?"

"Cramp, throbbing."

Donnie searched the room and grabbed the water bottle that was at the foot of the bed. "Drink this." Leo was going to reach for it, but decided it was unwise. "Okay, uh, tilt your head up, I'll give you some, okay?" Leo drew in a breath and did as he was told, opening his mouth a bit. Donnie poured some into Leo's mouth until Leo grabbed his arm to make him stop. Once he did, Leo immediately dropped his arm and head down. "You should just rest for the night."

"But this is Raph's- -"

"Dude, I don't care about that," Raph interrupted. "I'll live. Just lay down, okay?"

Leo didn't feel like arguing, so he laid down. He shut his eyes, waiting for the aching and lightheadedness to fade. He was drifting off to sleep slowly. Before he could, he opened his eyes a bit and saw Donnie and Mikey hugging, smiling and laughing along with Raph. They were talking and enjoying themselves, even though they were all struggling. Leo was nervous about going to sleep, but the fact that he could be in the same room with all his brothers brought him comfort, and he wasn't as nervous. "Hey, guys?"

Donnie, Mikey and Raph looked at him. "Yeah?"

"...love you."

They all smiled and chuckled a bit. "Love ya too, Leo."

Leo soon after fell asleep. The three brothers were catching up, but Donnie couldn't help but to keep sneaking glimpses at Leo. At one point, he was just staring at Leo. He wasn't sure if this was just a one time thing or if this was going to keep happening... he was worried.

"Donnie? Ya hear me?"

Donnie snapped his eyes to the voice. "Oh, uh, sorry Mikey."

"You worried?" Raph asked.

"Yeah, I just..." Donnie trailed off, looking back at Leo. "He looks... pale."

"That fall must have been something," Raph replied.

"Yeah... wait," Donnie looked at Raph. "I don't remember telling you?"

"Ya didn't," Raph replied. "Leo did earlier." Donnie looked a bit embarrassed. "Just tell us next time, yeah? I know you meant well, but I wanna know what's up with my bros."

"Yeah, I will," Donnie replied. "He just had it locked for a long time and he fell pretty hard. He only woke up because of his nightmare, and he shot up really quick with a head injury, so maybe that finally caught up to him."

"Poor Leo," Mikey sighed. "Maybe just the adrenaline of things being okay kinda distracted him from the pain?"

"Maybe the head pain, but he had to sit down a lot throughout the day."

"At least he's doing what he needs to do when he's in pain," Raph pointed out. "If this had happened earlier on, he would've kept pushing himself to the brink."

"True. He's doing better. And so are you guys." Raph and Mikey rolled their eyes but smiled at the sentiment. "I'ma head down, I'm kind of beat. Is it okay if I come back in tomorrow?"

"Yeah dude," Mikey replied. "Now that I've hung with ya, I'm not nervous as much anymore!"

Donnie smiled. "Okay, I'll come back up tomorrow. Night, guys."

"Night, Donnie," Raph and Mikey replied as Donnie left the room.

"Hey, Mikey, can I ask ya somethin'?" Raph questioned, a bit nervous to ask. Not for himself, but for Mikey.

"Sure, what's up, bro?"

"Earlier, Leo asked me if you would be up for a movie night. With everyone. How do you feel about that?"

"Ahhhh uhhh nervous?" Mikey chuckled dryly. "I-I dunno. I know I just hung out with Donnie, but I... I dunno how I feel about that."

"I'm not tryna rush you, I was just askin'. I didn't give him an answer, I told him I'd ask. Since you're not ready, I'll just tell him maybe later on."

"I kinda feel bad now."

"Try not to. You're doin' good, bro, but take things at your speed. Leo and everyone else will understand. I think he just wants everyone together again, and we all do, but it's best to whenever we're all ready, y'know?" Mikey nodded, looking away. "Mikey, seriously, it's okay. I know you're thinking you're holding everyone back, but you're not. We want ya to hang when you're okay, not to force you out. You know that, right?"

"I know. I miss being together with everyone, too, though. It's just..."

"Hard, I know. We'll get there." Raph patted Mikey's shell as he looked at Leo. "Man, Leo's really knocked."

"I was thinking that, too. And Donnie was right, he does look pale. He'll prolly be asleep for a while."

"Yeah. You tired?"

"Only 'cause I cried a lot," Mikey replied.

"Go get some sleep, bro."

"You gonna stay in here?"

"Yeah... I just don't feel like leavin' him right now."

"Okay, but don't ignore your needs and stuff, bro. I mean it." Mikey got up. "Okay?"

"I got it. Night, little bro."

"Night, Raph. You better get some sleep." Mikey left the room and went to his own. He plopped on the bed, got comfortable and quickly went to sleep. Everyone had turned in early that night, the emotions getting the best of them.

* * *

Mikey had woken up relatively early since he had slept a lot the day before. It was around 6 in the morning. He knew no one was awake by this time, so he freshened up and went downstairs to grab something to eat. He cooked up a quick meal for himself, sat down and ate. The quiet was somewhat comfortable but unbearable. He finished eating and sighed. He hated being in his room all the time, but it was his safety bubble. He just wanted to be okay again. He heard steps coming towards the kitchen, and he immediately put up his guard. He couldn't exactly go to his room- - either way, he was going to run into whoever was heading his way. He clenched his fists, trying to calm down as the steps grew closer. He put his head in his arms, not ready to face whoever it was. He thought he had more time- -

"Tired?"

Mikey breathed a big sigh of relief hearing Donnie's voice. He lifted his head up. "Not at all."

"Woah, you look- -"

"- -like crap? Yeah," Mikey chuckled dryly.

"I wouldn't say that. You looked bugged out. What happened?"

"I didn't expect anyone to be awake and freaked out. I just... kinda... got really anxious. I thought I had more time."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you panic," Donnie replied softly.

"Don't be sorry, it's you so it's okay."

"...you gonna stay down here while I eat? I can just go to your room if that helps- -"

"N-no, I don't wanna go back up there right now."

"Something happen?"

"No, I just get tired of being stuck in my room sometimes. I like being out here, but not when people are awake. Gosh, I know it sounds sad, but that's just how it is."

"...you know when you made breakfast?"

"Yeah?"

"It took a lot of courage to come down here and risk being seen. We all know that was a big step for you, and we were really happy and proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone. And you're still coming out here. Yesterday, you talked to me even though you were really anxious, and that was a big step for you too. I just wanted you to know that no matter what you do, we're cheering you on, Mikey, okay?"

Sometimes, Mikey would understand and know what people were saying to him were genuine and sentimental, but his anxiety would tell him otherwise, or they would just register as neutral words with no meaning. This time, though, Mikey felt the sentiment from his brother. Donnie wasn't one to wear his heart on his sleeve very often, so Donnie having expressed such sentiment, Mikey knew that he meant every word. Mikey teared up a bit.

Donnie, seeing this, became worried. "Oh shoot, I'm sorry- - was that too overwhelming to say? Sorry, I just- -"

"No," Mikey replied softly, interrupting Donnie. "Thanks for that, Donnie. Really."

The two brothers shared soft smiles. They were glad they could talk again. Even though not as normally as they would in the past, it was still nice. The moment was cut short when they heard some shuffling from upstairs, followed by loud grunts. A door swung open, and up from the top of the stairs, Raph looked down at his two brothers.

"Hey, uh, mind comin' and helpin' me? He's having a nightmare- -" Raph didn't get to finish his sentence as his brothers came rushing up the stairs. They ran into the room together, watching Leo for a second. He was breathing erratically, he looked frozen yet he was shaking so violently. "I-I don't know what to do, I don't want to slap him to get him to wake him up. Do we just wait?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Donnie replied sadly. "I don't know how to snap him out of his nightmares in a good way. He either only wakes up himself or we have to resort to hitting him to get him to wake up, but either way, he always wakes up in a panic and unsure of where he is."

"Does he just randomly get nightmares? Or does he just get to the scary part when it's time for him to wake up or something?" Mikey asked. He walked up to Leo, who was still stirring and panicking. Mikey hesitantly grabbed Leo's hand and clasped it in his. Leo immediately grabbed a hold of Mikey's hand as tight as he could, as if it was a sudden reflex. Mikey quickly held on tighter. "Wo-would this work? Or help him?"

Donnie and Raph walked over. "I'm not sure," Donnie replied. "I think we just... wait."

"That feels cruel," Raph mumbled.

"I don't know what else to do," Donnie sighed. The three waited until Leo woke up. It took him a while to calm down, but he eventually did. When he did, Donnie looked over him. "Same nightmare?"

Leo looked so drained, it pained his brothers. "Yeah," Leo breathed out. "How long...?"

"...did the nightmare last?" Donnie asked. Leo nodded. Donnie looked to Raph. "You were here when it first started. Do you know?"

"Oh, uh, like 10 minutes, tops," Raph replied. "Why?"

"It felt like forever," Leo replied. "Sorry for waking you. Did I yell again?"

"No, you just started mumbling a lot and shaking."

"At least I didn't wake up the entire house." Leo searched for water. When he found some, he reached for it and drank it quickly. His head was starting to hurt, but it was faint. "I need some meds for my head. I think I'm about to get a headache or something." One of his brothers were about to go down to get some, but Leo started sliding off the bed, making them stay in place. He felt the eyes on him and looked at them. "It's just my head that hurts right now. My leg is okay for now, don't worry."

"If you're sure, dude," Raph replied, he and his brothers clearing the way so Leo could get up.

Leo slowly got up, heading out the door and downstairs. He poured some more water for himself and grabbed some medicine. Even though he didn't like taking medicine, he knew mind over body really wasn't going to work right now. He took the medicine and drank the water. He grabbed more water and drank until he was satisfied. Even though he had taken medicine, the headache was still lurking and making itself known. Leo was a bit annoyed, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, so he got over it. He decided to go outside, since it had been a while he went outside just for the heck of it and the enjoyment. He climbed down the steps carefully, sitting down on the top step and just taking in the view. After a while, he got up and walked out into the grass, starting to do some light katas. He cleared his mind, only thinking of the moves.

As Leo did katas, his brothers watched from an upstairs window.

"At least he looks relaxed," Raph said. "It doesn't look like it's hurting him."

"Yeah, but he told me he wanted to lay off of training for a bit," Donnie replied.

"Y'know Leo thinks katas are like a fun pass time, though, D," Mikey pressed. "It's one of those things that just help him calm down and feel normal. And he's even doing some real easy ones just to be careful. He's bein' mindful, D, don't worry."

"I know, you're right," Donnie sighed. "He does look calm."

"...I'ma go join him," Mikey said suddenly, heading out of the room. Raph and Donnie were perplexed- - they weren't expecting that from Mikey.

Donnie was thinking of going after him, but Raph gave him a look that advised otherwise. "I think he's tryna step outta his comfort zone while he still feels up for it," Raph said to answer the questioning look in Donnie's eyes. "Yesterday, he felt okay enough to talk to ya, and I think he's still got that extra okay-ness in him to do other stuff he wouldn't have done before then."

"Isn't that kind of detrimental?" Raph's lips went thin. "Sorry, I meant, isn't that kind of not good for him? What if he has a low after that extra okay-ness runs out?"

Raph looked back out the window, seeing Mikey and Leo chat a bit before doing katas together. A small smile appeared on Raph's face. "I was worried about that too, but look at him, Don. I think he'll take it as a good experience, not a thought of 'why can't I keep doing this.' I mean, he'll do that, but I think it'll help him feel less anxious about doing stuff later on, 'cause if he could make himself do that and not have it turn out bad, then if he keeps doing that, things won't be as bad as his head makes it seem like." Raph went quiet for a moment, then chuckled once. "Ah, that prolly didn't make a lotta sense, but- -"

Donnie's hand on Raph's shoulder stopped Raph mid-sentence. No other words were needed. Donnie completely understood, and he wanted Raph to know that he was there for him. Raph's smile grew a bit. He and Donnie kept looking out the window. Things weren't in their favor, but they were changing that. They were going to finish this how they started it: together.


	33. Progredior, pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought
> 
> *** more dark thoughts will be featured--- I'll put these ◘◘◘◘ again just to give you a fair warning when it comes up ***

_**[A/N: Hey, this chapter is going to be skipped ahead of time from before the previous chapter. It'll also be pretty lengthy. Hope you enjoy!]** _

* * *

Leo had finally gathered enough courage to resume training after two weeks, and then some. He had been sticking to katas and arm weights beforehand, solely because those were the only two things he felt confident in doing. He had made sure to do katas early in the morning to have Mikey join him. It was a nice and peaceful time for them both. No interruptions and the comfort of each other's presence. It was helping Mikey extend his limits of being out of his room and battle his anxiety. There were bad days, but even then, he had his brothers, Casey and April cheering him on. Donnie and Leo had been getting into lengthy conversations about their ordeal and there was resolve coming to a close. They started discussing on how they would save their city when they returned to New York. Raph and April had been helping each other through each other's issues, thus bringing them closer than before. With each other's help, along with the other guys' help, they were learning how to better attend to themselves and when to take a break. Raph was doing this with Mikey as well, but Mikey was hoping that in time, he could discuss it with April, as well. Casey and April were learning to open their communication lines more, especially when it came to their families back home. Everyone was progressing for the better, even with attacks from random mutants and foes that had happened throughout the weeks. One of those times, though, proved to be progressive for April regarding her abilities. She had learned more about what she could do throughout the encounter with the dream beavers, and Donnie was helping her try to train the new abilities she was showing. Things were looking good for the teens. But, it's as said: there were bad days.

* * *

Leo woke up, feeling like the wind was knocked out of him. Cold sweats, shaking, the phantom pain, the real pain. He calmed himself down, closing his eyes after seeing Raph give him a soft look.

"Another one?"

"Yeah," Leo sighed. Leo's feeling of dread turned into frustration, his hand clenched into a fist now. "I don't get it. I didn't have any nightmares for a while. Things are going okay, so what gives?"

"Bro, you can't expect yourself to get over trauma so quick. You gotta let yourself heal naturally, there's no skip or fast forward button for these kinds of things."

Leo harrumphed, crossing his arms. "I know. It's still dumb, though."

Raph chuckled a bit. "Are ya sure nothin's botherin' ya?"

Leo was quiet for a minute. "...maybe it's because I'm going to start training again?" Leo looked at Raph. "I know I've been doing okay, and now I can get around without the knee brace and the crutches pretty well, but still... I'm kind of nervous."

"You'll get through this, Leo, trust me. I'm gonna be by your side, like I promised. Donnie and April are gonna be keepin' an eye on ya and helpin' ya out when ya need it, and Casey's up for anything you throw at him. You know Mikey's gonna be cheerin' ya on, too. Speakin' of, isn't it time for you and him to do katas?"

"Yeah, just about. I'm not sure if he's up, though."

"I'll go check." Raph got up from the couch and went up the stairs, knocking on Mikey's door before letting himself in. He saw Mikey laying in the bed. "Hey, Mikey, it's about time for you and Leo to do katas. You awake?" After no reply, Raph walked up behind Mikey and peered over his shoulder, seeing that Mikey's eyes were closed. "Mikey, time to wake up, bro." Raph shook Mikey a bit, about to tell Mikey to wake up again when Mikey shrugged Raph's hands off of him. "Hey, did you hear me? Leo's waiting on ya."

"I'm not feeling it," Mikey mumbled.

Raph was thrown off. He sat down by Mikey's feet, looking closely at him. "What?"

"I don't feel like it today," Mikey replied weakly. "I can't today."

Raph's wide eyes grew small. Raph rubbed Mikey's shell to comfort him. "Random or did somethin' happen?"

"It's a random low."

Raph nodded. "Do you wanna be alone?"

Mikey shrugged, then nodded. "I'm just hoping it goes away after today. Tell Leo I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

Raph and Mikey's heads turned, following the voice. Leo was at the doorway. Mikey's eyes were getting teary.

"I'm sorry," Mikey said.

"Don't be," Leo replied, heading over to Mikey. "You take the day to yourself. Do whatever you need to get through this. You let us know if you need anything, okay?" Mikey nodded, sighing and closing his eyes as Leo rubbed the top of his head gently. Leo removed his hand when he saw that Mikey was a bit calmer. He and Raph left the room and shut the door behind them. They climbed down the stairs, heading outside. Leo eyed Raph, seeing that he was upset. "Give Mikey time, Raph. Everyone has bad days."

"I know, but still. I just know how he feels and knowing that there's not much I can do to help just kills me."

"Me too, Raph. But he's got us. He knows that, we know that. He'll come out when he's ready." Raph nodded, and they grew quiet. "...what about you?"

"What?"

"How are you holding up?"

"Oh." Raph looked away from Raph, staring at the general surroundings of the yard. "It's better, but still needs work. I now understand Mikey doesn't hate me, and we're pretty normal again and stuff. I don't feel as numb as before anymore. But y'know, there are bad times."

"Is today one of those times?"

"I dunno. Even though Mikey's down today, I feel like somethin' big is gonna happen soon. I dunno what, though."

"Well, let's hope it's good. You wanna join me on katas or nah?"

"Sure, why not."

Leo and Raph started doing katas together. It was a pretty lengthy session, but neither of them minded. While they were doing katas, Mikey was watching from his room. He wished he felt like joining them, and even though he really wanted to, his mind always battered that thought with negative ones. He had to tear himself away from the window. He laid back down into bed, sighing and just wishing the day would end already. Time flew by, but Mikey only noticed because Donnie peered in, checking up on him. Donnie, seeing Mikey's face, already knew today was not a day to bother Mikey.

"Do you need anything?" Donnie asked.

"No, thanks, though."

Donnie nodded. "Hang in there, Mikey." Donnie shut the door behind him gently. He washed up in the bathroom, heading downstairs afterwards. He offered a wave as he entered the kitchen and saw April sitting at the table, drinking some water. She waved back. Donnie grabbed himself a bowl of cereal and took a seat. "How'd you sleep?"

"Alright," April replied, rubbing her eyes. "You?"

"I think the couch chair cushions have finally betrayed me," Donnie replied, spooning some cereal in his mouth. "I feel kind of sore."

April chuckled a bit. "I hear you there. My back feels like its got knots in it."

Donnie offered a tired smile and continued eating his cereal. A few minutes passed, and Casey stepped into the kitchen, stretching his arms up then rubbing the back of his neck. "Sup," Casey yawned.

"Your neck stiff?" April asked.

"Yeah, how'd ya know?"

"The couches have been giving us a hard time."

Casey sighed, making himself some cereal. "Might as well sleep on the floor, then."

"Not a bad idea- - floors can be comfortable," Donnie replied, finishing his cereal.

Casey raised an eyebrow at him as he sat. "Nah."

"Uh, yeah, they can," Donnie retorted. "Try it before ya knock it, Jones."

Casey rolled his eyes, eating his cereal. "Don't use my own thing against me, D." Donnie and April chuckled. "Mikey up yet?"

"He is, but he's not having a good day. He wants to be alone," Donnie replied.

"Oh no," April said, her eyes looking sad. She sighed. "I hope he's alright."

"Me too." Donnie looked out the kitchen window, watching Leo and Raph practice katas. "Guess Leo's getting ready for today."

"Ya nervous?" Casey asked, finally having finished his cereal.

"Kinda," Donnie admitted. "I know he's doing great, but I can't help but think of last time."

"He learned from that," April replied. "I'm sure he'll do okay, Donnie."

"I know he will." Donnie fell quiet for a moment. "But still."

* * *

"Alright, I'm done." Raph sat down on the grass, laying down.

Leo looked down at him, pausing. "What? Katas aren't even tiring."

"I know, I just can't do it for as long as you and Mikey do. What's it been, an hour?"

Leo rolled his eyes, smiling a bit and standing in a neutral stance. "A bit over, yeah. You didn't have to join me if you didn't wanna."

"I did wanna, but I didn't realize how long ya actually did 'em for. Anyways- -"

"- - you ready for weights, Leo?" Raph and Leo turned their heads to look at Donnie, who was walking towards them. He had some weights in his hands, along with April and Casey following behind him. "How were your katas?"

"The usual," Leo replied.

"Loooong," Raph fake whined, sitting up. "You're doin' weights out here, Leo?"

"I dunno, I don't mind either way." He eyed the weights in Donnie's hands. "15 pounders?"

"Nah, 25's." Leo's eyes widened a bit. "Is that too much?"

"No, I just didn't expect..." Leo cut himself off. "Should I sit?"

Donnie didn't looked worried, which eased Leo's nerves. "Do what you feel like. I'm alright either way."

Leo decided to keep standing, just to see how long he could last. He lifted weights for a good while- - long enough for the others to disperse. Watching made all of them feel weird, so they decided to just wait 'til Leo was done. After Leo lifted the weight limit, he set the weights down and took a breather. He headed towards the house, wanting some water. He went in the kitchen and decided to bring a glass up for Mikey. He went up the stairs and lightly knocked. "Hey, it's just Leo. I'm gonna bring in some water for you real quick." He let himself in, going for the bedside table and setting down the water. He peeked at Mikey, seeing that his eyes were shut. Mikey's breathing was low and even. Leo drew out a breath. "Hang in there, Mikey," Leo whispered, leaving the room afterwards. He went back to the kitchen, getting himself some water and drinking it.

"There ya are," Raph said, stepping in. "Where'd ya go?"

"Went up to give Mikey some water. He's asleep, though."

Raph nodded. "Finished with weights?"

"Yeah. I stopped at 35."

"Really?"

"I didn't wanna risk my leg giving out or anything."

"Ah, gotcha. What's next?"

"Laps," Leo replied. His stare went hard.

"What's wrong?"

"I dunno how I'ma do. What if I fall or something?"

"You know your limits, bro. Besides, if anything happens, I'ma be right beside ya. Okay?"

Leo sighed, nodding. His stare softened. "Okay. I know. I'm just nervous."

"It's okay to be. But you'll do good, Leo." Raph clasped a hand on Leo's shoulder. "Head out whenever you're ready, alright? I'll meet ya out there."

Leo nodded. Raph let go of Leo's shoulder and left, heading outside. Leo drew out a breath, downing another glass of water before heading back outside. Raph and Casey were talking about something, and Donnie and April seemed to be focused. Leo decided to just stand on the porch and wait 'til everyone was done talking amongst themselves. He didn't want to interrupt. Everyone noticed Leo was just standing around after a while and went towards him.

"Have ya just been waitin' on us, dude?" Casey asked. Leo nodded. "Sorry, dude, we woulda stopped earlier if we knew."

"It's okay, I didn't wanna intrude." Before anyone could counter that, Leo asked Donnie, "so what should I start on?"

"We think blocks are the way to go for now. Does that sound alright?"

Leo faltered for a minute. Blocking exercises was what he was doing last time when he... _'No, you're ready this time,'_ Leo thought to himself. "...yeah. Let's do it."

"Good deal. Who do you want to throw the punches?"

"From any of you?"

Donnie paused for a moment. "I didn't know you were considering me or April, but uh, sure."

Leo scanned the four teens, trying to decide. He looked from each of them for a while, his eyes sticking to Raph for a good while. He thought he'd keep considering the others, but his eyes were set on Raph. Noticing this, Raph looked a bit hesitant. "Are ya sure, Leo?"

"I'd go with Casey, but considering he went last time and what happened then, I don't think he's up for it. No ill intentions, though, Jones. I just don't wanna put that on you again, I know how that messed with you. But that's only if you're up for it, Raph."

"I... I said I'd support ya along the way..."

"...does that include to this extent?" Leo asked. "If not, that's okay."

Raph bit down on his lip. "You gotta swear you'll tell me when to stop, Leo. I'm not fucking around."

"I will," Leo extended his hand, balling it into a fist. "I promise."

Raph looked at Leo's fist for a couple of seconds. He sighed, pounding his into Leo's, then twiddling his fingers downwards along with Leo's. Raph looked up at Leo, who, for the first time since he'd woken up, showed a confident smile. Raph was so surprised and happy to see that from his brother that his worries faded for just a moment. They took some steps apart, assuming their positions.

"Don't lock your knees," Raph warned, eyeing Leo's stance.

"Right," Leo replied, making sure not to. "Ready when you a- -" Leo quickly leaned back as Raph swung his leg up. Leo's eyes widened for a minute, then he gave Raph an amused look. "Jeez, eager much?"

"This is my first time trainin' in a while, Leo," Raph replied, shooting Leo a smile. "Gotta get back in the grind of it."

He started throwing punches. Leo dodged or blocked them pretty well at first, but then Raph started getting crafty and was changing up his style. He started moving around, trying to get at Leo from different angles and positions- - something that wasn't done last time and that Leo hadn't accounted for. Raph managed to get a couple hits on Leo, making him stumble a bit. Raph backed up a bit, seeing that Leo was thrown off.

"You need me to go back to how we were doin' it bef- -" Raph was cut off with Leo's sudden sharp turn and punch, sending Raph reeling back some steps. Raph looked up at Leo, and laughed a bit as he saw that cocky grin and sparkle in Leo's eye that no one had seen since they first came. At that moment, Raph knew that his brother was finally coming around after so many months. "Look whose back."

* * *

Training was going so well, everyone's initial worries were fading quicker than anticipated. Donnie, Casey and April had all went against Leo throughout the course of the training, and nothing was hindering Leo or the others. It was nearing the end, and the time everyone was nervous about: sparring. Everyone took a break to get a breather and get some water and food in their system so that they weren't functioning on no fuel. Raph had taken that time to go check up on Mikey, just to see if he was awake. He carefully opened the door, sticking his head in.

"Hey, it's just me, Raph." He eyed the glass on the bedside table. It was almost empty. "Ya want me to get ya more water?"

Mikey didn't reply for a moment. "...yeah, please." He listened as Raph's steps became closer, stopped, then started fading. He heard Raph descend the stairs, then nothing. After a few minutes, he heard Raph's steps coming back up the stairs. The door opened. Raph went towards him and set something on the bedside table.

"I decided gettin' ya a water... bottle, I guess? The things ya can carry around with ya to places- - a portable water bottle, whatever it's called. It's bigger and holds more water, so ya don't run out as quick."

Mikey turned to face Raph. He looked at the water. "Thanks, dude."

Raph was glad that Mikey was okay enough to look at him. "The nap help any?"

Mikey looked up at Raph. "Kinda, yeah. Got that dready feeling away a bit."

"That's good. Ya hungry? There's still some chips if ya want any."

"Actually," Mikey bent over the side of the bed, pulling his basket of gifts out from under the bed. He rummaged through his snack box, handing a package to Raph. "Can you heat that up for me?"

Raph eyed what was in his hand. "A... pizza pocket?"

"What? It counts as pizza, technically. It's pepperoni flavored."

"What, next you're gonna tell me you like pizza rolls or something like that." Raph eyed Mikey, seeing that Mikey grew sheepish. "No you do not."

"Listen- - April and Casey had me try some one time- - they're pretty okay, dude! And there's like, up to 120 of 'em in a big package! But I don't got those right now, just a pizza pocket." Raph stared hard at the pizza pocket. Mikey snickered, shoving Raph. "Just- - please go heat it up for me, you can argue with me about it later!"

Raph sighed. "Fine," he mumbled, leaving the room. Raph came back after a few minutes, with a fork and some little packs on the plate. He handed it to Mikey. "Guess we had parmesan and pepper flakes layin' around. I dunno if that'll work for a... pizza pocket... but ya can try."

"Thanks, dude," Mikey smiled, digging in.

**◘◘◘◘**

"Ya need anythin' else before I head back down?"

Mikey paused, setting down his pizza pocket. "Y-you're not stayin' up here?"

"I didn't know ya wanted me to stay up here... thought ya still wanted to be alone. I didn't know, bro, sorry, I'm not tryna make it sound like I wanna leave."

"It's chill," Mikey replied, going back to eating his pizza pocket.

"No, don't do that." Raph looked at Mikey seriously. "Tell me."

Mikey sighed. "Ya don't usually wait for me to ask, ya usually just stick around, 'cause ya can tell when I wanna be alone or not. I dunno, I know I'm wrong, but the fact that I gotta ask makes me feel like ya don't wanna be around or got better things to do or... that you're just tired of comforting me. Or just tired of me in general. 'Cause now that you're more better, I'm just draggin' ya down and bringing down your mood. My brain is telling me if you don't wanna be around me, you and everyone else are abandoning me and don't want me- - need me- - around since I'm such a downer."

Raph's heart sunk, his serious stare softening. "You're right; you are wrong. I do wanna be around, Mikey, I just knew that today was a low day for ya, so I just didn't know. You're doin' more okay than earlier today, but I dunno how you wanna spend your time at a really low time. I just assumed the safe route- - I didn't wanna push my luck or make ya uncomfortable."

"I know," Mikey mumbled. "I know, I know." It seemed like he was assuring Raph, but really, Mikey was trying to assure himself. He stopped after a while. "I know," he said more affirmatively. "Thanks for lookin' out for me, bro."

"...you good?" Raph asked, unsure.

"Yeah. I made those thoughts go down. I'm keepin' what ya said in my head." Mikey gave Raph a reassuring smile, easing Raph's nerves. "So, will ya?"

"Huh?"

"Stay up here?"

"Oh, ye- -" Raph stopped himself, freezing. _'...Leo's training... but, Mikey...'_ Raph was really in a tight situation. Support Leo, or support Mikey?

After Raph hadn't answered in a manner of minutes, Mikey was getting anxious. He plastered a smile on his face. "D-dude, if ya don't wanna, don't sweat it- - I get it, I'll be okay- -"

"No, I do," Raph said quietly. He made the mistake of glancing at Mikey, whose face looked defeated. "I- -"

"Raph, you up here?" Raph and Mikey's heads turned to look at the door as they heard someone calling in the hall. The door opened, and Leo's face appeared. "Hey, there ya are." Leo smiled and waved at Mikey. Mikey waved back. "Everything okay, guys?"

"I'm not sure," Mikey replied, smiling nervously. "I asked Raph if he wanted to chill up here with me, but he hasn't said anything- - do you wanna hang with me, Leo?"

"I can after I finish this last thing for training today," Leo replied. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, dude," Mikey replied. "Be safe, okay?"

"Sure thing," Leo replied, giving Mikey a warm smile. He looked to Raph. "Ya comin' down, Raph?" Mikey paused, and realized what was conflicting Raph. Raph looked so torn and conflicted, it was worrying Mikey, and now in turn, Leo as well. "Raph," Leo said, walking in the room and kneeling down to look at Raph. "What's wrong?"

Mikey looked at Leo. "I didn't know you guys were training today- - I asked Raph to stay up here with me, but since I didn't know and he promised to be with ya when ya started training again, he's... stuck."

Leo looked at Raph. "Raph, it's okay, you were with me the rest of the time- - I'll live through this last one. You can stay with Mikey, I promise it's fine."

"No, but he really wants to be there for ya, Leo," Mikey countered. "You guys can come back up when you're done, I'll be okay." Mikey tried getting it through to Raph. "Raph, you can go, I'll be okay, I promise."

Raph understood that his brothers were fine with him doing either or, but his mind was screaming that they were lying to him. _'They're just being nice- - no matter what you do, you're gonna let one of them down! Why can't things just be normal again- - no, that's ignorant to think, Raph, you shithead! You're a disappointment, you're a failure, you can't even do this one thing right! Mikey needs you- - you promised Leo- - you fucking suck! You're a pathetic liar!'_ Why was he complicating the situation so much? Why was his mind torturing him like this? The sound of a door shutting snapped Raph out of his thoughts, his head tilting up as he saw Leo at the door. Leo walked back over to him and Mikey, kneeling down again. _'Great, you fucked up, Raph.'_

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Leo asked gently.

Raph wasn't sure what was going on. "You- - Mikey- -" Raph looked between his two brothers. "I just- - wanted to help- -"

"Forget that, we're gonna help you. We can do training another day."

"But... you were happy again, you were... I'm letting you down."

"No you are not, Raphael." Leo locked his eyes with Raph's. "You kept your promise. You didn't let me down at all- - you're the person that helped me find my inspiration today. I know right now your mind isn't going to accept the nice things we're gonna be telling you for a while, but you did great today. You helped me in more ways than I could have imagined today. Let us try to help you."

Raph looked at Mikey. "...I'm making things about me even though you asked me to help you..."

"Bro, I'm more okay than earlier, I just over thought for a bit, but I'm okay. And you didn't steal the spotlight or whatever you're thinking, I'm really okay right now. I'm worried about you right now. So is Leo. I'm sorry I put ya in a tough spot, I didn't know you guys were training today, I didn't mean to overwhelm you. I woulda been okay waiting for you guys, honest. But that doesn't matter right now- - what matters is you. Can we do anything to help?"

_'You selfish, pretentious prick, you have the spotlight, you happy?'_ Raph's thoughts were yelling. _'What, now you can't handle all this attention? Now it's too much focus on you? You fucking baby, you're the one who wanted it in the first place! Make up your damn mind, you idiot!_ ' Raph saw Leo get up and leave from the corner of his eyes. _'Oh great, you really did it now- - of course you let someone down, real nice, asshole!'_ Raph shut his eyes tight, trying to think of something else- - anything else, but nothing was working. _'Hah, right, like you can escape your faults and lies. You thought you were doing better- - that's rich. This is your normal. This is what you've put upon yourself. This is all because of you.'_

**◘◘◘◘**

Raph's eyes shot open as he felt something placed on his legs. His eyes locked on the wooden sai that was made for him. For some reason, the dark thoughts were starting to become muffled. Raph carefully held the wooden sai, looking at the engraving. The pressure building in his chest felt less intense, and his heart didn't hurt as much anymore. He finally looked up a bit, seeing Leo and Mikey watching him as they knelt on the ground. Their eyes met his. They gave him patient, warm smiles. Raph let out a long sigh, finally feeling like he was back in reality.

"Thanks, guys," Raph spoke softly.

"Did it help?" Leo asked.

"Yeah, it did."

Leo smiled softly. "I'm glad."

"Do you need anythin' from us, dude?" Mikey asked. "Ya needa be alone?"

"No, I don't want that," Raph chuckled. "So... training another time?"

"Yeah, we did a lot today anyways. Besides, everyone was dreading the last thing, including me," Leo replied, offering Raph a humored smile. "I know you were."

"Can't say I wasn't," Raph replied. "Are you sure, though?"

"I'm sure," Leo replied, chuckling a bit. "Do you wanna stay up here for a bit? Chat with Mikey?"

"You don't have to go if you don't want to," Raph said. "I don't wanna make ya feel kicked out or anythin' just cause I had... a moment or whatever."

"I don't feel like that, Raph, I just know you and Mikey haven't talked alone all day. I'll come back later, I just wanna shower. I feel gross."

Raph made himself register Leo's assurance. "Okay. If you're sure."

Leo chuckled again, getting up on his feet. "I'm sure, Raph. I'll be back in a bit." Leo left the room.

Raph looked at Mikey, who got up off the floor and sat on the bed. "I'm sorry, Mikey. For freaking out like that."

"First, don't be sorry, second, why are you sorry?"

"I know seeing something like that could possibly set ya off. I'm glad ya didn't, but I- -"

"You didn't do it on purpose, and you need to stop thinking about me for right now. We're chill, no one's mad or upset. We're just glad you're back in reality, dude."

Raph sighed. "I know, it's just... hard," Raph chuckled. "You gonna finish your abomination pizza rip off?"

Mikey rolled his eyes. "It's not an abomination, bro," Mikey replied, grabbing the pizza pocket and stuffing the rest in his mouth. "It's gooooooood."

Raph and Mikey talked for a while, things going smoothly and both of their anxious thoughts and feelings pretty much non-existent for that time. Leo joined them a while later, and even Donnie at one point. They all talked and had a good time, chatting for hours and to the point where the sun went down. Since most of them had woken up really early, they were getting tired. Donnie headed down first, saying his good nights. Raph finally made himself go after he started nodding off. Leo and Mikey were left alone, not minding and kept talking. Even though Leo had woken up the earliest, he wasn't too tired, for some reason. He saw Mikey getting tired, though.

"I'ma head down," Leo said after a while. "You get some sleep, bro."

"You don't gotta go," Mikey said.

"I know, but you look tired. I know you might not be sleepy tired, but you did socialize a lot more than usual today. If it helps, you're doing great at socializing, more than you think."

Mikey smiled. "Thanks, dude."

Leo shut off the lights and closed the door behind him. He headed down the stairs, getting himself some water and going to sleep afterwards.

* * *

_**[A/N: I decided to make this a two parter, hah- - hope y'all liked this first part!]** _


	34. Progredior, pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is another long chapter, hope ya enjoy!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if there's text italicized in-between two horizontal lines, it's either a memory or a dream  
> *if there's text italicized in-between two apostrophes ['], it's a thought

Leo jolted up, the phantom pain being intense enough to wake him from his nightmare. He sighed, wiping the cold sweat off. He rubbed his eyes and yawned. He surprisingly didn't panic too long after waking up, which was good, but he was frustrated that he was having nightmares again. He looked at the nearest window, seeing that some sunlight was starting to spill through. He carefully stretched and got up from the couch, heading to the kitchen. He rubbed his neck as he searched for some breakfast. He got a weird hankering for bananas in milk and decided, what the shell, might as well. He cut up some bananas and put it in a bowl, pouring milk in it. He poured some cereal in there just for a better breakfast to fill him and ate. He went upstairs, checking to see if Mikey was up. He asked Mikey if he was up for katas today, and even though Mikey was doing better than yesterday, Mikey didn't feel like doing katas today. Leo nodded and left, going outside and starting to do katas by himself. After that, he lifted weights, then ran some laps. He finished his warm up for training by the time it was 10 in the morning, and no one had come outside yet. He sighed, unsure of what to do now. He played around with the chickens to pass the time.

Finally, Donnie came out. "Morning."

"How'd you sleep?" Leo asked, backing up from a pecking chicken.

"The car was a better bed than the couches. Those couches betrayed me. Made me feel sore."

"Okay, I thought it was just me. I woke up feeling sore, too."

"Well, you did do a lot of training yesterday," Donnie chuckled. "Remember?"

"Well, yeah, but... shut up," Leo laughed as Donnie gave him a smug look. "You eat?"

"Yeah, I kinda want coffee, though."

"Hooooow about tea instead?" Leo suggested heavily.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I don't need to get hooked on caffeine again or whatever."

"Sooooo... tea?"

"Fine," Donnie sighed. "I can't even have one cup?"

"Can you make sure you don't get hooked again?"

"I can," Donnie replied. "But I know I'm getting tea anyways so I'm not getting my hopes up."

Leo snickered a bit. "Sorry. Maybe you can have some later."

"I didn't know how funny you were- - why haven't you shown your comedian side more?" Donnie asked sarcastically as he and Leo headed inside. As they sat down and Leo started up some boiling water, Donnie noticed something off about Leo. "Hey, you alright?"

Leo raised a brow. "What do you mean?"

"Your eyes- - they're squinted. Your eyes hurt or something?"

Leo raised his hands to his face, lifting his mask and rubbing his eyes, lowering his mask back down after. "Oh, ah, it's probably just because I rubbed them a lot after I woke up from my nightmare."

This alarmed Donnie, and it was apparent. "Is it the same one?"

"Yeah," Leo sighed, rubbing his neck. "I had one last night, too. I don't know why they're back, though. It's annoying."

The fact that Leo was addressing his nightmare situation casually was calming Donnie a bit. "You're not too bugged out when you wake up from them now?"

"Not as much, no, but the pain is worse than before. The phantom pain, I mean."

"Phantom pain?"

"Like, I feel the pain of when Shredder busted my leg when I wake up, and that phantom pain makes actual pain happen."

"How is your leg feeling right now?" Donnie asked, eyeing it.

"It's fine now. I've been up for a while, so there was a good amount of time for it to go away."

"How long have you been up for?"

Leo thought for a moment. "What time is it now?" Donnie gave him an exasperated look. "I woke up around seven."

"When did you sleep?"

"Around ten, I'm sure."

Donnie sighed. "At least you got enough sleep. Are you sure your leg is okay? I really don't want you training if it's acting up, it's too risky."

Leo chuckled a bit. "It's fine, Donnie. Look." Leo swung it around and demonstrated some kicks. "No pain. It's all good."

Donnie glared at him. "I hate that you did that."

Leo laughed. "Why?"

"You'll use your stubbornness to get your way- - if your leg actually did hurt, you might have still done that just to throw me off."

"Ouch," Leo fake whined. "You think so little of me? Shame on you."

Donnie rolled his eyes, balling up some paper towels and throwing it at Leo. "Whatever." They shared a laugh as Leo poured tea, serving himself and Donnie.

"Yes, coffee!" Casey strolled in and headed for the pot of hot water.

"No," Donnie sighed. "It's tea."

"You made tea?" Casey asked, genuinely shocked.

"Not me," Donnie replied. "I wish. Leo made it."

"Lamesauce." Nevertheless, Casey made himself some tea and sat down.

"How are you gonna knock it if you're drinking it?" Leo snickered.

"A, I'm lazy, two, it was already hot."

"Valid points," April replied. "I'm following that mindset, if you don't mind."

"Of course not, Red." Casey watched as April and Raph stepped in. "Sup, Raph."

"Sup," Raph yawned. He eyed the pot of water. "It's tea, isn't it." Everyone nodded, and Raph groaned. "This sucks."

Leo sighed loudly, standing up. "You're all babies. Fine, I'll make coffee."

"Oh thank shell," Donnie whispered to himself, going to the sink and pouring out the tea. Leo gave him a 'what the hell?' look and started sputtering as everyone else followed suit. Donnie shot Leo another smug look. "The odds are stacked against you, Leo. Donnie wins."

"If you talk in third person, no you don't." Donnie rolled his eyes at Leo, making Leo and everyone else laugh. He and Leo were really glad things between them were finally good again, no tension lingering at all. Once the coffee was done, Leo made everyone's the way each of them liked it, serving it to them. "If any of you get hooked on caffeine, I have the right to kick your shins."

"Ouch," April smiled. "Loud and clear."

Leo made a cup of coffee and tea. "I'ma go see if Mikey wants any. Be back." He headed upstairs, announcing he was coming in and walked to Mikey's bed. "Hey, I've got coffee and tea. Do you want either of them?"

"I'll take the tea," Mikey replied, sitting up and grabbing the tea from Leo.

"Wow, no coffee? Everyone downstairs were being butts about me making tea and not coffee."

Mikey snorted. "Typical. Besides, coffee makes me tired, and I'm not planning on sleeping, so it's pointless."

"Gotcha. How you holding up so far?"

"Things are chill. If everyone weren't awake right now, I'd go downstairs. I hate being stuck in here."

"I'm sorry," Leo sighed. "You'll get there, though."

"Yeah, I just wanna snap my fingers and just get to that point already, y'know?"

"I get that. That's how I felt- - feel- - about my leg healing."

"How is your leg?"

"It's okay right now. It's not too bothersome- - only when I have nightmares. Don't worry- - it's not very often."

"Okay, good. Y'know what, though?"

"What?"

"I feel okay enough to talk to Casey or April, but I dunno how to do that when I'm up here."

"Do you want me to bring one of them up here?"

"You think they'll wanna?"

"They miss ya, Mikey. I'm pretty sure either of them are up for it. Is there anyone you wanna see first?"

"...probably April. I know she's going through the same thing, I wanna catch up with her."

"Okay, I'll go get her for you." Leo stood up, rubbing Mikey's head. "You're doing great, Mikey." Mikey chuckled a bit, and Leo left to fetch April. "Hey, April, can you come up for a second?"

"Sure." April followed him upstairs, and they stopped at the top. "What are we doing?"

"You are going to talk to Mikey. That is, if you want to."

April was surprised. "Is he okay with it?"

"He asked me to come get you."

April smiled warmly. "Alone?"

"Yeah. You up for it?" April nodded. "Alright. You two have fun, then." He opened the door for April, waving to her and Mikey as he shut the door. He went down the stairs, heading outside. He saw that Casey, Raph and Donnie were all out there waiting on him. "What's on the agenda?"

"Same thing, but we're gonna try to fit in the sparring today. That sound okay, or you wanna hold off on that until another time?" Donnie asked.

"Nah, I can do it." Leo smiled. "Let's start with..." Leo charged at Casey, throwing him off. "Jonesy."

Casey collected himself and laughed, putting his arms up. "Put 'em up, Leo, let's go."

The same training they did the previous day was going smoothly again throughout the day. There were a few hiccups here and there, but none too serious. Leo was already getting better and gaining the upper hand through the different sessions, and his confidence was staying put. The only thing he was mindful of was to not strike so hard with his bad leg, and he was doing well at that. They went through the training like a breeze, and before they knew it, it was time to spar. Donnie went up first to warm Leo up to it and to give him pointers on what to and not to do when it came to his bad leg, and had Leo practice with it. When he saw that Leo was doing well, Donnie felt good and called up the next person, which was Casey. To make it realistic, Donnie said that Leo's opponents should aim for Leo's weak spot, since it had to be realistic, but to not inflict any damage on it. It was mainly to get Leo to warm up to counter attacks and defend himself against those kinds of attacks, and it was paying off. After a lengthy session with Casey and a break, it was now Raph's turn. Raph was holding back a bit at first, hesitant to heed Donnie's advice for going for Leo's bad leg. After Leo assured him that it was fine, Raph started following the instructions, and since nothing bad happened, he put in all his effort, especially seeing that Leo was, too. It was a lengthy and intense session, but nothing went wrong. They were both starting to get winded, finally, ready to end the match. Leo charged at Raph, ready to try to strike at him. Raph readied himself to counter, noticing the sparkle in Leo's eye again. He shot Leo a smile, and Leo smiled back. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Leo jumped up and was fixing to send Raph down crashing with an aerial kick attack. Raph quickly went into a defensive position just in time. Leo's leg connected with Raph's arm, and since Leo threw Raph off, Raph fell down anyways with the advantage Leo had.

Raph laughed, raising a hand up as he dusted himself off and stood up. "Okay, ya got me, I'm done," Raph smiled, looking up. He was puzzled when he didn't see Leo and thought Leo was trying to do a sneak attack, so he turned sharply and was ready to defend himself again. His smile quickly dropped when he saw Leo on the ground, his hands clasped tightly around his bad knee. "Holy shit- - Leo, I'm sorry- -" Raph quickly knelt down next to him.

"Don't be," Leo breathed out. "It wasn't you, it was me. I put all my weight in that attack. It was my bad."

Raph was pained as he saw Leo hissing and shaking from the pain. "...I'm sorry."

Leo gave Raph a soft look. "Raph, please don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. I'll be okay. It's not your fault."

"I know, I'm just... I'm sorry it hurts so much. What can we do?"

Donnie ran over, kneeling down. "Is it just the knee?"

"Yeah," Leo replied. "I'm sorry, I put all my weight into that attack. I'm just used to using this leg with that attack, I didn't even realize 'til it happened."

"Let's get you inside," Raph said. "Can you stand?"

"Uh, lemme try." Leo lifted up his good leg, managing to get up a bit. He lifted his bad leg carefully, taking some steps forward. The pain was intense, but at least he could walk- - "nope nope nope, I need help," Leo laughed sardonically as he felt his bad leg cramp up and give out on him. Luckily, Donnie and Raph were right by him and caught him before he could fall. "Damn."

"Don't," Raph said softly. "You did great today, bro."

Leo offered a small smile. "I'll try not to, Raph. You better try, too."

"I will."

"Donnie, you too."

Donnie nodded, not wanting to add onto the subject. "Yeah. Alright, here's the couch- -"

"Whaaat," Casey said as he watched them carry Leo in. "What happened?"

"I'm a dumbass, that's what," Leo joked as he carefully sat on the couch. He caught Donnie and Raph giving him looks, and he smiled sheepishly. "I'm kidding. Sorta."

"He put his weight on his bad leg and just fell to the ground," Donnie said, to answer Casey's question. "How does your knee feel? Did it feel like something shifted?"

"It just feels like it's gonna explode from pain," Leo replied, trying to compose himself. "When it happened, it felt like my knee was getting crushed together like in a garbage truck or something." Leo's head suddenly started pounding. He lifted his hands up to his head, trying to get it to stop. "Fuck this hurts," Leo breathed out.

"Well for some stupid reason you're trying to not release any sounds of pain," Donnie pointed out. "Holding that in isn't the best thing."

"I don't wanna ruin Mikey and April's time upstairs- -"

Leo drew in a sharp breath, looking around frantically and grabbing a pillow, smothering his face in it and letting out a blood-curdling scream. Thankfully the pillow did its job and muffled it, but Casey, Donnie and Raph could get the jist of how loud it would have been if there was no pillow. His leg was jolting from the pain, making his screams seemingly endless. Raph quickly offered Leo his hand. Leo grabbed Raph's hand so tight so quick, Raph immediately jumped from the sudden pain in his hand. He readjusted his hand and then let Leo clasp it afterwards. While Donnie was wrapping and putting the splint on Leo's knee, Leo kept screaming and crushing Raph's hand. Casey went and retrieved some lukewarm damp towels and dry towels, an ice pack, and some pain medication to give to Leo when everything was done. At one point, Leo's vocal chords gave out on him and he couldn't scream anymore without straining himself. His voice was raspy and sounded weak. At some point, he couldn't even squeeze Raph's hand anymore. Raph noticed this.

"Is it starting to hurt less?" Raph asked as Leo's hold loosened. Leo didn't reply. "Leo?" Raph shook Leo's shoulder a bit. Leo shrugged Raph's hand away and kept his face buried in the pillow. Raph realized what was happening and eyed Donnie as he finished up. "Everything all done?"

"Yeah," Donnie replied, letting out a sigh. "He definitely needs some down time."

"So do you. Why don't you and Casey head on out? I'll watch Leo for a bit."

Donnie was about to object, but Casey interrupted him. "We can work on the car for a bit, just to clear our heads. 'Sides, I know ya been dyin' to get back to it." Casey lifted Donnie up on his feet. "C'mon, kraang-breath, let's get back to the grind." Casey looked back at Raph, mouthing 'you're welcome' as he led Donnie and himself out of the house.

Raph silently thanked Casey for getting the hint. Raph turned to look at Leo, who still hadn't raised his head from the pillow. "Ya wanna lower that, Leo?" Leo shook his head, turning his head away from Raph. Leo quickly lowered it to wipe at his face, turned the pillow around and put his face back into it. Raph sighed, trying again at offering a comforting gesture. He placed his hand on top of the pillow. "Leo, come on. It's just you and me now. I promise."

Leo didn't move for a while, and Raph's hand didn't move from the pillow. Finally, Leo let out a sigh, his grip on the pillow loosening. Raph gently pushed the pillow down from Leo's face and grabbed it, tossing it aside. Leo turned his head away from Raph, not wanting his brother to see his face yet. Leo roughly wiped at his face and rubbed his eyes. He took off his mask, tossing it across the room in a fit of anger. Raph got up and retrieved it, keeping it with him as he sat down. Leo finally tilted his head up to look at Raph. He looked terrible. He knew he did. His eyes were puffy and narrow, he looked pale and flushed. He didn't know how he would sound, but he knew he'd sound awful.

"Casey brought some things to help you out. Here," Raph handed Leo the lukewarm damp towel. "That'll probably help with your eyes. Here's some medicine and water, too, 'cause I know you're still in pain. And I'ma put the ice pack under your knee, alright?" Leo nodded. He lifted the towel up to his face and closed his eyes, placing it on them. It felt really nice and soothing, a very big contrast as to how he was currently feeling. Leo took the medicine and downed the water, feeling thirsty all of a sudden. Raph lifted up a water bottle, handing it to him. It was pretty big. "I know it's huge, but I figured you'd be wantin' a lotta water." Leo quickly took it and gulped it down. Raph finished setting up the ice pack and grabbed the dry towel, dabbing Leo's head. "Hell, you're like a swamp, dude." Leo shot Raph a look. "Sorry, too soon to joke around?"

Leo sighed, dropping his stare. "No- -" Leo quickly stopped himself as soon as he heard himself. He impulsively lifted his hands up to his throat. He tried clearing it, but it hurt. He winced, shaking his head and drinking some more water. Raph grabbed the damp towel and put it on Leo's forehead. "Thanks. I'm gonna try not to talk a lot, so sorry if I'm too quiet."

"That's fine, don't worry, bro." Raph offered Leo his mask back, but Leo shook his head and looked frustrated. Raph retracted his hand. "You're right; I should wash it first." Leo made a little scoffing sound, a small smile on his face. Raph smiled a bit seeing this. Raph quickly lost his smile, making Leo confused. Seeing his questioning look, Raph sighed. "I'm gonna tell ya somethin'. Ya don't gotta say anything, I just need ya to hear it. Okay?"

Leo couldn't hold back the question in his head. "Is it bad?"

"'Course not, dude. Just sit back and listen, alright?" Leo nodded, deciding to lay down since sitting up felt like too much work. Raph eyed Leo. "Comfy?" Leo rolled his eyes, waving his hands at Raph as if to say 'so you were saying?' Raph cleared his throat. "Right. I know you're probably feeling like you're useless and stuff like that because of your injury, and that you're holding everyone back. Well, you aren't, alright? You needa learn to stop thinking like that. Just because you're injured doesn't mean you're less valued or can't do as much as everyone else. You're just as strong as anyone else here, and you shouldn't let your injury hold you back. Sure, things will be hard sometimes, but you can do crafty and unique things we couldn't do, injured or not. I've seen ya do some pretty impressive shit these past couple of weeks that I couldn't even do. Just because you're injured doesn't change who you are. You're still the same person, you're still Leo. You can still kick ass, you're still our dorky brother who geeks out about space and can't shut up about dork things. I'm not sayin' this won't be a part of you, 'cause it will, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing as long as ya don't make it. You've kicked our asses the past two days in new ways we haven't seen ya do before, and that's with an injury! And I'm not tryna invalidate your feelings, either. You're allowed to have bad days and get frustrated, but you are so much more than your injury. It doesn't have to hold you back. I've seen you use it to push you forwards, and you did real great, Leo. I know it doesn't feel like all of that is true right now, but I'm not gonna lie to you about this. You've fucking got this, Leo, alright? I believe in ya, we believe in ya- - it's time you put faith in yourself for a change." Raph glanced at Leo, who was staring at Raph with a bit of an agape mouth. Raph rubbed his neck. "So, yeah, that's that."

Leo propped an arm up and sat himself up. He looked at Raph, his throat tight and his eyes looking intense. Raph, assuming Leo was upset at his words, was about to say something when Leo threw his arms around Raph, hugging him tightly. Raph froze for a moment, but quickly embraced his brother back.

"Can you do something for me?" Leo asked in a whisper.

"What?"

"Can you try to not be blaming yourself for what happened? Thanks for saying all that- - I really needed it- - but I don't want you blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault and is out of your control. Things happen, and that's okay. I'm tryna come to terms with that, too. I want you to try to, at least, okay?" Raph nodded. "I love you, Raph." Leo somehow hugged Raph tighter, as if he let go, Raph would fade away.

Something about the way Leo said those four words and how he was being held just broke Raph. He shuddered "I love you too, bro," and started heaving a bit. Leo repositioned himself to have Raph more comfortable as he started to cry. Leo couldn't help but to get sentimental as Raph cried. They held each other like there was no tomorrow. And if there wasn't, they'd be pretty content as this being their last figurative day.

* * *

April and Mikey laughed, really enjoying each other's company. "Holy hell, I've missed you, Mikey. It's just so good to see you smiling and hearing you laugh."

Mikey smiled a bit, but it felt empty. "That's kind of sad."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I've been here this whole time, but... I dunno, it's just all sucky. I thought you guys were doing better without me."

"Hell no, Mikey. Things aren't the same without you. I'm glad you're doing better."

"Are you?"

"I think so. I feel like it. There's some moments here and there, but for the most part, yeah."

"That's good. Can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Did you think I was mad at you or something? Or hated you? 'Cause as happy as you are up here with me, you seem kinda... I dunno, like you're expecting something bad to happen? I only think so 'cause you look like Raph did when this whole thing kinda started."

April rubbed her arm. "Honestly, yeah. I mean, I just... felt bad about the entire thing. That was your personal thing, and you weren't ready for everyone to figure that out. And then I just kind of shared it with everyone once I was given the go-ahead."

"Can ya please try not to be so hard on yourself? It's not your fault. What happened happened. We can't stay stuck in the past forever, 'cause if we did, we'd never be happy again. I gotta believe there's always a rainbow after the storm. You were just lookin' out for me, and I'm not mad about that. I was never mad at ya, and I could never hate ya, April. Alright?"

April chuckled a bit. "I'm thinking you're the real Splinter Jr. around here."

Mikey snorted immediately after she said that. "Oh my god stop I'm gonna choke," Mikey laughed, wiping at his eyes. "You're a real comedian."

April laughed along, playfully shoving Mikey. "So do you feel like you'll be okay enough to come out and be in the same room with everyone soon?"

"I think so," Mikey replied, sounding wistful. "I hope so. I'm tired of feeling like this, but it's so hard to break outta it."

"You're doing great so far," April said, giving Mikey a hug. "You take your time. Do things when you're ready." Mikey hugged her back, smiling. She pulled away. "I don't mean to make you feel like I wanna leave, but I'm gonna check on the others real quick. Do you want me to bring anyone back up here? Do you want me to come back up when I'm done?"

"Nah, that's okay. I just wanna be alone right now."

April grew concerned. "Oh no, did I say something wrong?"

"Nah, nah, it's not a bad alone time. I just needa recharge, is all, y'know?"

April smiled again. "I hear you there." She stood up. "Can I come back up tomorrow?"

"Yeah!" Mikey chirped. "Definitely. Tell the guys I said hi. And you better get some good sleep."

"You too, Mikey," April chuckled. She left the room and went down the stairs, peeking her head in the living room. She saw Raph and Leo on the couch asleep. They looked pretty exhausted from afar. She assumed training was just a lot and went to go find Casey and Donnie, who were working on the car. "What's up, guys?"

"Hey, Red," Casey replied, setting down his tools. "How were things with Mikey? Is he alright?"

"He's doing better, he looks more happy. He said hi, by the way." She eyed Donnie, who was transfixed on whatever he was working on. "Donnie, you alright?"

"Huh?" Donnie poked his head up. "Oh, hi, April, how was your talk with Mikey?"

Casey and April smiled a bit. "It went okay, D. Mikey said hi. He wants to be alone for the rest of the day, said he needs to recharge."

"That's good. Did you see how Leo was holding up, by the way? Did he look alright?"

"Well, he and Raph went to sleep, so I'm guessing yeah? Training must have been something today, I guess."

Casey and Donnie glanced at each other, then looked back at April. "Guess she doesn't know." April eyed Casey as he said that. "Training was goin' good, then Leo pulled some sorta ultimate move I guess and hurt his bad knee. He was pretty outta it, was in a lotta pain. Raph said he'd keep an eye on Leo for us, so we came here to distract us."

April sighed. "Maybe they just tired themselves out after the adrenaline wore off. Maybe a rest is good for them. You guys alright?"

"I feel kinda bad, but I'm trying not to," Donnie replied.

"I feel bad 'cause I wasn't there to help when it happened," Casey added.

"Jones, I told ya, there wasn't really anything any of us could do at that moment, don't feel bad."

"Oh wow, I magically feel better!" Casey cheered sarcastically, rolling his eyes at Donnie. "I know you're right, D, but I can't just ignore how I feel."

"Guys, calm down," April interjected, standing between them. Before things between them could get any more heated, April had an idea. "How about we watch some movies?"

* * *

Leo's eyes opened slowly as sounds of talking and loud sounds woke him up from his sleep. He was surprised that he didn't wake up from a nightmare this time, but he wasn't going to complain about it. He blinked a couple of times, noticing the room was dark but that there was some light coming from somewhere. He turned his head carefully, seeing Donnie, Raph, Casey and April on the ground, gathered around the TV. "What are you guys doing?"

"Shhh!" Casey hissed. "We're watching a movie- - hey!"

April shoved Casey. "Don't be so rude. You wanna join us, Leo? It's getting good!"

"Might as well, it woke me up, can't go back to sleep with you loudmouths and the loud movie." They flashed him innocent smiles, diverting their attention back to the screen. Leo eyed Raph, reaching a hand out and placing it on Raph's shoulder. Raph turned around, looking at Leo. Raph gave him a small yet gentle smile. Leo smiled back, dropping his hand down and letting Raph get back to watching the movie.

"The movie is really good," Raph whispered to Donnie.

"It is! Sorry we woke ya up earlier, though."

"I can always sleep later."

Donnie snickered, fist bumping Raph. "I hear that."

He watched as everyone's eyes were glued to the screen. They seemed really happy and like they were having a good time. Was he up for this? Could he do this? Would he let himself do this? He sighed, stepping in the room. He quietly crept his way in, making sure he was up for it. Once he was sure he could do this, he drew in a deep breath. "What are we watching?"

Everyone turned around as soon as they heard him. Their eyes on him made him immediately anxious, but he focused on his breathing to calm him down. This was his family, his friends. People he could trust, people he loved, people who he cared about and who cared about him. It felt like forever, though, with how long it was quiet and how long they were looking at him.

Casey broke the silence. "It's some sorta barbarian movie, it's pretty funny and intense. Wanna watch with us, Mikey?"

Mikey was so glad Casey could make things feel so casual even at the most weirdest times. Mikey smiled softly. "Yeah. Got any room?"

Leo lifted his legs up and patted the empty space next to him, offering Mikey a smile. "C'mon, you're missing the good parts."

Even though Mikey's heart was racing like crazy, he smiled and sat down next to his brother. Even though he was nervous, he felt a sense of comfort and joy being around everyone again. Casey turned to look at Mikey, giving him a peace sign.

"Glad to have ya back around, dude. Now I've got someone to back me up when I critique these shows and movies."

Mikey chuckled. "Casey and Mikey: the critique dream team."

Casey chuckled, patting Mikey's knee and turning his attention back to the movie. Mikey looked at Leo, who gave him a warm smile. Mikey couldn't help but to smile back. He got a bit closer to Leo. Leo gripped Mikey's shoulder, letting him know he was there for him as he turned his attention to the movie along with everyone else. Mikey wasn't sure what compelled him to leave his room, to go down the stairs, to finally tell his anxiety 'screw off' and get back control of his life. Temporary or not, Mikey wasn't regretting this a bit. As the night went along, everyone was talking and getting along great. Things felt smooth, casual, fun. Mikey's worries were lessening, and he felt like he was getting back to his old self again as he started cracking jokes, critiquing some things, talking to everyone and most importantly: genuinely feeling happy. Temporary or not, Mikey was determined to keep this night as a good memory.

* * *

"Pause it!"

"Okay, okay!"

"What's happening?"

"It's happening again."

"What?" April questioned.

"He's having a nightmare," Raph replied, he- - along with everyone else- - looking as Leo started to shake and mumble things in his sleep. Raph bit down on his lip. "Damnit!" He hissed.

Mikey placed a hand on Raph's shoulder, averting his attention to him. "Raphie," Mikey said quietly.

Raph sighed, trying to calm down. "I know, I know. I just hate it."

"I still don't know the best way to snap him out of his nightmares," Donnie said, worriedly looking at Leo. "If we try waking him up ourselves, he's going to wake up and be frantic. If he wakes up by himself, he's going to wake up and be frantic. If he feels us huddling around, he'll panic and wake up. I really don't know what to do." Donnie looked pained as he said all this. Mikey placed a hand on Donnie's knee, trying to comfort him.

"So, what, we just do nothing?" Casey asked.

"I don't know what else to do," Donnie sighed.

"Let me try something." April stood up, going over to Leo.

She stood behind his head, placing her fingers at the sides of his temples. She closed her eyes, trying to focus. Once she had, all the noise, the feeling of the others presences, the world around her started to fade away. She controlled her breathing, keeping her mind focused on the task: ease Leo back awake. She could do it with the turtles during that dream beavers situation, there's no reason she couldn't do it again. She had been training on her mind abilities, too, after all, so she might as well have tried it out. She felt the pulling feeling she felt last time, and she knew she had made it: she was in Leo's mind space. She searched for the active nightmare, and once she found it, she understood why Leo's nightmare always scared him to his core. It was really intimidating, dark, scary. It felt like there was a sense of defeat, hopelessness, nothingness around her. She saw dream Leo, stepping around with his katanas in his hands, looking around himself carefully.

"Who's there?" dream Leo shouted. He looked drained, petrified... lost.

"Leo, it's me, April!" April shouted to him.

Her shout only registered as a whisper. She kept shouting at him, but to no avail. Leo put up his guard, raising his katanas. "Guys? Casey? April?"

April was about to shout at him when she heard herself screaming. "Th-that wasn't me..."

Leo, immediately alarmed, started running towards the source. "Guys! Hold on, I'm coming!"

April was caught off guard for a moment, but she quickly composed herself and started running after Leo. "Leo, I'm here! I'm over here! That's not me!"

Leo stopped for a moment. He turned around, facing April's direction. He lowered his katanas a bit, something in him telling him to go towards that distant light. He bolted for it. He immediately froze as a figure suddenly appeared in front of him. It was Shredder. April gasped, jumping back a bit. Leo quickly raised his katanas again.

"There is no other ending for you other than me personally escorting you to your demise," Shredder bellowed.

Leo felt... off, but he wasn't going to lower his guard. "You're not real." Leo growled.

"And yet, I still have a means to hurt you. You're pathetic, turtle. I will always haunt you, and you can never escape. Reality or not, I will always be the one to end your life." Shredder raised his arm up, the blades in his gauntlet sliding out. He swung his arm down.

"No!" April yelled. Just as she yelled, everything paused. Everything froze, as if she had just paused a movie. She looked around. She sighed, trying to compose herself. She hadn't noticed that while everyone and everything froze, Leo hadn't. He was staring at her, looking shocked. She finally noticed, raising her head and looking at him. "Leo, it's me. It's really me."

Leo took a step forward cautiously. "...dream," Leo whispered to himself. "This isn't real. This hasn't happened before, so... why is this time different?"

"Leo, look at me." April walked towards him. She placed her hands on his shoulders, and they both felt a sudden pull and push effect as they made contact. Leo's eyes widened, and it finally registered. "It's me, I promise."

Leo let out a relieved laugh, hugging April tightly. "How did you get here?" Leo asked, pulling away. "How are you even here?"

"Remember when I told you how I got into your mind with the whole dream beaver thing? I'm doing that again. I didn't know if it was going to work, but it did!"

"Holy shit," Leo laughed, still in a state of disbelief. "That's wild."

"So... this is how your nightmare goes every time?" April asked. Leo nodded. "I'm so sorry."

Leo was about to say it's okay, but he stopped himself. "I'm just glad you're here. So what do we do now?"

"I don't know. Everything's frozen for right now- - I guess you can't wake up until someone strikes the final blow or something? Someone has to end the dream. All I can do is buffer for now, but the original people in the nightmare have to end it one way or the other."

Leo looked at the frozen dream Shredder. He raised his katanas, going over to him. Leo held them high, drawing in a deep breath. This was something he had always wanted to do ever since he had his first nightmare. He was ready. Before he struck, he looked at April, a warm smile on his face.

"Thank you, April."

* * *

His eyes shot open, his heart racing. Leo wasn't having any phantom or real pain. There was no cold sweats. He didn't feel the toll he usually did when he woke up from the nightmare. He looked around him, the faces of his family and friends giving him beaming smiles. He started laughing, feeling like, for once in life, he had control of something- - that everything wasn't doomed or nothing was never going to be good again. Everyone was glad he woke up in a better state than before. Leo turned around, looking up at April and giving her the biggest smile ever. He was about to thank her again, but she placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling back down at him.

"Anytime, Leo."


End file.
